


The Melody of a Fallen Tree

by grimeysociety



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Autism Spectrum, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Kid Fic, Mutual Pining, Parent Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:49:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 98,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimeysociety/pseuds/grimeysociety
Summary: As Darcy's directionless life causes her to quit yet another job, she starts working at a grocer's in Brooklyn with her long-time best friend and roommate Jane. Though it's an unusual fit for Darcy, she finds herself enjoying the change, and soon has a favorite customer - a young, single dad named Steve.
Relationships: Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, Jane Foster & Darcy Lewis
Comments: 1328
Kudos: 626





	1. i. Unsatisfaction

**Author's Note:**

> What's up, gamers
> 
> I threatened ye with a juice bar AU and it's here. I'm sure this will be drawn out and piney as filth but I hope you stick around. This story is based on my own experiences, yet again, so if you're side-eyeing anything dubiously, it's most likely something I stole right out of my own life. Do I have original ideas? Probably not. But don't worry about it.
> 
> Also, yeah, no-one asked for this, but you clicked on it so.... who's enabling whom, hmm? 
> 
> (I'm kidding, please stay)
> 
> For clarity: this is a kidfic. Jane has ASD in this universe. Steve is about eight years older than Darcy. There won't be smut for a while.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)

__

_I don't wanna be on the ground when the time flies_   
_Had so many friends goin', "Wonder when it's my time"_   
_I live everyday like I'll die by the night time_   
_It took me so long getting back to my right mind_   
**\- "Time Flies" by Rico Nasty**

**i. Unsatisfaction**

“You… you quit your job over a guy?”

Darcy squeezed her eyes shut, passing a hand over her face as she sighed, knowing this was how Jane would take the news. She’d hoped to soften the blow by cleaning the kitchen for once when she got home earlier that day, beating her roommate by a good four hours. Darcy had even got out the mop and washed the floors, her least favorite cleaning activity, apart from scrubbing the toilet bowl.

Now that she thought about it, changing her bed sheets was another task she’d rather avoid, which she managed to for a few weeks longer than she cared to share, but it sort of related to the boy she dumped via text that same afternoon.

“I know how it sounds,” Darcy began, and she watched as Jane widened her eyes at her, her hands on her hips. She’d begun to pace when Darcy told her the news, as Darcy sat on their beat up couch, hunching over. “But it’s not like that, it’s not… _because_ of him. But he didn’t help.”

“So what is it, then? If it’s not what it _sounds_ like?” Jane snapped. “I can’t cover your share of the rent anymore, you know that.”

“Yes, you’re right,” Darcy said, her voice rising a little as Jane’s was. “I’ll get another job. I can temp.”

“What was wrong with _this_ job?” Jane said, flinging her arms wide.

The words burst out of Darcy, her thoughts finally out in the open:

“I don’t know but it was making me miserable, Jane, and I don’t want a job that makes me that sad.”

She closed her eyes again, knowing it was the same story as so many other people her age. She had her Bachelor’s degree and string of low-paying jobs. Her morale was never high enough for her to want to stick around for longer than a year, if she managed to not get fired.

Darcy felt bad for Jane, whose friendship had helped her stay afloat for years now. They met when they were both at Culver, Jane’s Masters underway as Darcy was trying to find her feet as a freshman. They bonded over having the same favourite place to study in the south wing of the library. Darcy didn’t even think she took any notice of her until she was sick a whole week, and Jane showed up at her dorm room with several of her favourite things, telling her they always helped her feel better.

“I’ll get another job,” Darcy said again, a little firmer.

Jane gave a sigh, looking away. She waited a few seconds to calm down, which Darcy appreciated, since she used to never do that.

“What happened with the guy? Tim?” she asked, her voice flat.

“Tom,” Darcy corrected, feeling a smirk form on her lips, which was a relief. “He sent me a dick pic when I was in the bathroom and I wrote something back like ‘no thanks’ and then he said I was being a bitch.”

“I _hated_ dating guys in their twenties,” Jane muttered. “So why quit your job?”

Darcy rolled her eyes. She could hear one of their neighbors’ kids screaming upstairs, which felt like good timing.

“I can’t explain it fully, but it was like…”

She motioned something coming toward her with her hand.

“This wave of… complete _un_ satisfaction. And I’m meant to be, like, _grateful_ for all this.”

She swallowed. She’d felt this way for a while, waiting for it to change, to dull. She’d been waiting for her job to get easier. It had been months and she dreaded it every morning. The pressure to perform well when she didn’t get paid a lot, and her bosses were all under the thumb of someone else higher up. Darcy thought she could make corporate America her thing, but just didn’t mesh well at all. She could see the cracks in everything, and she always had the urge to point them out, but she never could.

“I can’t explain it,” she muttered.

Jane had been watching her the whole time, still pacing but not as fast. She stopped mid-step, narrowing her eyes. She got the expression on her face when she got an idea.

“What are you thinking?” Darcy said. “Apart from you wanting to kill me?”

“I don’t want to kill you,” Jane retorted. “If I wanted you dead, you’d be dead. It would actually be really easy to kill you.”

“Jane,” Darcy said, chuckling. “What -?”

“I’ll talk to Carol.”

Darcy scrunched her nose. “Carol… at the grocer’s?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, hands on her hips again. “I can talk to her about a work trial.”

-

Darcy didn’t know how to tell her father. She never liked calling him up when she had good news, so telling him she’d quit yet another job was something she wished she could avoid, however futile that was.

As she spent her Tuesday alone on the couch, feeling like a useless slob, she contemplated writing him a lengthy email about her ordeal at her last job, the perpetual restlessness she’d felt. Whenever she opened up about her feelings to her father John, it was hard to know whether her words truly had an impact on him. Darcy knew she was always better at communicating in written form.

The guy whose nude she’d rejected yesterday before quitting her desk job, he was the receiver of a lot of text messages, long paragraphs explaining how she felt. Darcy felt as if she was always screaming into a void, no-one around her seemed to truly pay attention to her in a way that felt good. Jane had her own issues that Darcy couldn’t fault her for… but her own family, they were always lacking, especially since John remarried a couple years after Darcy’s mom died.

His wife answered the phone, since he still had a landline. He was protective of that, and always made fun of Darcy’s cell phone when she used it in front of him, on the rare occasions she actually visited him, maybe twice a year.

Darcy’s stepmother was Sally, a very cheerful woman compared to Darcy’s mom Rachel. She was also taller, blonder, more normal in general. If Darcy allowed herself to think about it long enough, she knew she hadn’t forgiven her dad for remarrying a woman so different from Rachel. She couldn’t forgive how happy he’d become, how he’d blossomed in his grief.

“Lewis residence, this is Sally speaking.”

The landline was a blessing to Darcy now, as she sat up a little to try to muster the courage to speak. Sally didn’t see the number calling her, Darcy knew that because it was the same phone they’d had in that house for more than thirty years. It had a long cord she remembered playing with at her mother’s feet when she was on the phone.

“Hello?” Sally prompted.

Darcy hung up, her eyes slipping shut as she felt something stuck in her throat, something she couldn’t properly name. There wasn’t a word for what she was feeling.

She’d put off telling her dad about her job a little longer.

-

Darcy had never visited Jane at her job. It was in Brooklyn, owned by a guy named Jay, real name Giuseppe. Jane had worked there for two years, washed her olive green apron at home every Sunday morning and let it air dry overnight.

Darcy agreed to meeting with Carol two days after she quit her job because Jane was getting tenser than usual. Darcy tried to keep her expectations low, since she had little interest in working in a place like that. Then she reminded herself that she’d never enjoyed any job she’d ever had, and she didn’t have a lot of options anymore. It was a trial anyway, she could still fail, but she needed to try for both their sakes.

She slept in, spent the majority of her day lazing around at their apartment and then made sure she checked the email Carol sent her yesterday.

**Looking forward to meeting you on Wednesday! Please wear all black and some comfy shoes.**

Darcy tugged on a pair of black leggings, a black t-shirt and a black hoodie. She scraped her hair into a high ponytail and felt the butterflies begin to swarm in her belly, but they were nothing like at her old job.

She rocked up to the grocer’s, remembering Jane wouldn’t be there because on Wednesday afternoons she tended to assist professors teach at Culver. On top of being a certified genius, Jane was getting her PhD in astrophysics.

Darcy adjusted the strap of her handbag, taking a deep breath as she crossed the busy street, seeing a short man with his back to her putting apples on a shelf outside the store.

“Uh, hi,” Darcy began, and the man turned on the spot.

He smiled. “Hi.”

“I’m Darcy.”

“Oh, you’re Darcy!” he exclaimed. He turned his head to the side, yelling out. “CAROL!”

The man went back to placing apples in rows, a couple customers greeting him before they slipped into the store. Carol appeared, glancing the man’s way before her eyes met Darcy’s.

“Darcy, hi,” she said. “I’m Carol. We talked on the phone.”

Darcy wasn’t sure she’d call it a job interview. Carol gave her the basic rundown of the store, telling Darcy she’d be assisting with stacking shelves, serving customers and making juices behind the counter. Either Darcy sounded sane enough to follow instructions or Jane had vouched her enough for Carol to agree to let her shadow her.

Darcy took her hand. Carol was taller, blonde and smiling. Darcy smiled back easily, taking back her hand after an awkward shake, Carol’s head tilting toward the man who’d turned away from Darcy.

“This is the owner Jay.”

Jay gave Darcy a little wave, in his own world. Carol gestured toward the shop behind her, side-stepping a customer departing with a carry bag full of bananas.

“I’ll show you around.”

“’Kay,” Darcy murmured, following after her.

The store itself was cramped, teeming with rows of fruits and vegetables. Darcy could smell the herbs best of all, and she could hear a radio playing somewhere behind the counters at the front. She kept looking around, seeing if there was anyone else she was meant to acknowledge.

“That’s Peter,” Carol said, pointing at the kid behind the counter. “He’s gonna train you.”

“Oh,” Darcy said, surprised. She thought it was a trial. Training sounded more permanent. “Okay.”

“He’s really good, I promise,” Carol said in a lowered voice. She gave a wink and Darcy made herself respond with a little laugh.

Peter lifted his hand in a wave at Darcy and she mimicked him. Though he wasn’t very big, he was still taller than Darcy, with dark hair and a sweet smile.

“Hey,” Peter called.

“Get back to work, Parker,” Carol called back, smiling.

Carol showed her the back room that was full of leftover stock, benches and large metal sinks. Carol picked up a knife that was left on a chopping board and put it on the rack above the sink, wiping her hand on her pants. She wasn’t wearing an apron like Peter.

“You can put your bag somewhere back here,” she said, and Darcy obeyed, shoving her back in between a navy backpack and a stack of paper towels under a bench.

Darcy was shown the poor excuse for a bathroom, then the exit out the back where a couple men were packing boxes, yelling at one another and swearing.

“Hey! Quill,” Carol yelled, and the taller man glanced their way, eyes falling to Darcy.

“What’s up, ladies?”

Carol didn’t seem fazed, gesturing toward Darcy.

“This is Darcy. Please be nice to her.”

“ _Absolutely_ ,” Quill said, and Darcy deliberately looked away, at the boxes they were stacking in the back of the truck.

“Customer deliveries, we do them twice a day,” Carol explained. “Did Jane tell you about those?”

Darcy shook her head. Carol turned her heel and she followed her, hearing Quill call out:

“See you around!”

“Sorry about him,” Carol muttered, and Darcy shook her head, wishing she’d drop the subject. “You got a boyfriend?”

“No, I just broke up with someone,” Darcy said, giving a dismissive wave.

It was a lot warmer in the backrooms and Darcy was thankful for the cool room Carol showed her. Carol pointed to each row.

“If you need something from back here, ask Jay, or ask Peter,” she said, and Darcy nodded. It was so much information to try to remember that she was briefly distracted when Carol asked her another question.

“Huh?” she blurted, and Carol gave a little smile.

“I said, where were you working before here?”

“Customer service at an insurance company. I mean, it was a company they outsourced to,” Darcy said. “I thought you would have asked that on the phone…”

“You were sort of out of it,” Carol said, and Darcy nodded, ducking her head.

“Sounds like me…”

They slipped back into the store, Carol’s eyes traveling around.

“I’ve been here five years. Jay bought it two years ago, when Jane showed up. It’s a great neighborhood,” she murmured. “Everyone here is loyal as hell. You’ll see. It’ll be easy.”

Darcy wished she knew what Jane told her. She wondered if she’d heard about how awful she felt at her last job. Darcy still got knots in her stomach, and she was pretty sure she had a dream last night about dragging herself back there to beg for another chance.

The customer Peter was serving, a middle-aged woman wearing a tie-dyed maxi dress and a half dozen bangles on each arm, gave him a big smile and waved her goodbye to Carol in turn, who rose her hand in a wave.

“I’ll be in the office if you need me,” Carol said.

The two feet of space between the bathroom and the loading deck was the office? Darcy had spotted a closed Mac book and a broken office chair back there, and one hanging bulb.

“Okay,” Darcy replied.

She walked through the store to the front, slipping behind the benches, moving closer to Peter.

“You studying?” he asked, and Darcy shook her head. “Oh, cool. Like a gap year, or -?”

They were interrupted by another customer before Darcy could explain, an elderly man buying broccoli and a bag of rigatoni. Darcy stepped in front of Peter to use the register, aware of him watching her.

“Hi,” she breathed, and the man smiled at her. 

“She new, Petey?” he said, and Peter smile.

“Yeah, this is Darcy.”

“I was gonna order an apple juice, too, kid,” the man added. He held up his cane. “I’ll be back.”

“Oh, totally,” Peter replied, smiling.

Darcy weighed the broccoli, perusing the register’s touch screen. It was easy to find broccoli under ‘B’, in the vegetables section. She processed the rigatoni with a swipe of the barcode.

“Oh, you’re like, so easy to train,” Peter said.

Peter leaned over, pointing out the juice section.

“Abe gets a small juice. We charge less.”

“I can afford it, don’t let him fool ya,” Abe retorted, but he was smiling. “Thanks, kids. I’ll be back.”

“Thanks, Abe,” Peter called. “Just put the sale on hold. Sometimes he changes his mind when he gets back from the pharmacy and buys strawberries or Jarlsberg.”

“Right,” Darcy said, nodding.

Peter showed her the juicer behind the counter. Darcy had noticed the board behind them as she’d walked in that showed all the different options.

“The kale juice is the most popular one,” Peter said, diving under the bench to open a fridge and grab a tub of cut up green apples. “I dunno why. It’s gross.”

“It’s probably healthy,” Darcy said, and he shrugged.

“People wanted celery juice for a while. It clogs the machine easily if you work too fast, though,” Peter said.

He switched on the machine and the whirring filled the air, and he slipped on a pair of latex gloves and began feeding apple pieces into the machine. A woman with a full basket came to the register and Darcy sprang into action, flashing a smile.

“Hi.”

“Hi, how are you?” Darcy said, and the woman smiled back.

She glanced over at Peter.

“Hi, honey, how’s May?”

“She’s good,” Peter called back.

He turned his head a little to look at the customer as Darcy began to process the food. Peter stopped the juicer and turned to watch Darcy again. Under the microscope, Darcy figured she did okay, considering the way Peter nodded at her when they were alone again.

“You’re so good at this.”

Darcy didn’t know how to explain to him it felt like common sense, since it would probably make her sound like an asshole, but knowing how to use a register wasn’t that difficult.

“We’ve had people work here that don’t know their vegetables,” Peter went on, turning back to the juicer. He switched it back on and finished the apple juice, filling a little plastic jug that he poured into a plastic bottle he retrieved from a crate beneath the sink next to the juicer.

Everything seemed to have its own place among the chaos.

“I’d like to think I know my vegetables,” Darcy said.

“I didn’t know ‘em before this job,” Peter said.

Darcy glanced away, waiting for him to get back to the conversation they were having before the lady interrupted.

“Are you one of Jane’s students?” Peter asked.

“No, you already asked if I was studying,” Darcy said. She didn’t want to feel embarrassed but she did anyway. It was ridiculous, to care about what this child thought of her. “I’m not. I’m just working.”

“Okay,” Peter said, shrugging.

“I live with Jane,” she added. “I quit my last job and I need to pay rent, so…”

“I’m not looking forward to that,” Peter said, and Darcy smirked.

She liked that he didn’t seem to judge her. Darcy felt herself tense when Jay came back into the store finally, sighing as he pushed the empty cart he’d had the pile of apples on.

“Peter, go cut up more apples. What else you need to cut?”

“I’ll check, boss,” Peter replied with a smile.

Jay barely acknowledged Darcy, pushing the cart away to the back room. There were several yells when he disappeared from view, and Darcy felt herself frown.

“He’s the best,” Peter said, and Darcy didn’t know if she could agree.

It was too early to tell. She watched as Peter ducked under to check the fridges, noting aloud what he needed to cut.

“Pineapple, apple. Oranges…”

He straightened up, looking at Darcy.

“Holler if you need me.”

“Okay,” Darcy said. “Am I… Am I just serving?”

“Yeah, you’ll be fine,” he said. “I won’t be long.”

“Okay,” she said again.

There were only two people in the store apart from Darcy, perusing the shelves as the radio played Aerosmith. Darcy took out her phone and saw she’d only been there twenty minutes out of the three hours she’d agreed to be there.

-

Jay appeared as Darcy was playing around with the register and he stood by, watching her as she served a young couple with a baby in a carriage, their dog on a leash waiting from them outside.

It was a black Labrador that barked every few seconds, making Darcy jump the first time.

“Sorry about him, Jay,” the mother said, giving a little sheepish smile.

Darcy processed the sale as fast as possible, bagging the groceries in rapid succession. She stood back when they left, her eyes meeting Jay’s.

“Slow down.”

“Okay, sorry,” she mumbled.

“It’s alright, you don’t need to say you’re sorry,” he said, his voice gentler. “Where’d you work before here?”

“Call center,” Darcy said. She was careful with her answer. “They were really… militant about timing.”

“Customers are happy to wait, they like being here,” Jay said, lifting one of his bushy gray brows. “Alright?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said.

“And smile, okay?” he said, moving back to walk out from behind the benches. “It’s a beautiful day. You can smile.”

Darcy let out a sigh when his back was turned, biting her lip. She knew she needed to perk up, since everything had been fine so far. No-one had implied she was lucky to have this opportunity, no-one had reprimanded her, no-one had pressured her.

She hung behind the register, watching as Peter moved back and forth, helping restock the fridges and then the shelves with Jay. A lot of the customers came in to say hello to Jay, knowing him by name. There were several children that squealed and ran to him for hugs.

Darcy recalled Carol was Jay’s niece. Jane had told her before that it was a family business. Darcy wondered how she fitted into all this, if she had the job in the bag.

Everyone seemed chill and Darcy knew she rarely was. It was hard to picture Jane here, too, considering what she was like at home. A sinister voice in the back of her mind told her it was no wonder Jane was stressed with a roommate like her, so flaky.

She took a second to gather herself, sensing Peter coming up beside her.

“Good shift so far?” he asked, and she nodded, hoping to convince him.

He burst into a smile suddenly and Darcy glanced in the direction he was looking, seeing a tall man with dark blonde hair standing in the doorway to the store, a half smile on his handsome face.

He was _very_ good looking, now that Darcy stared at him as he spoke to Peter.

“What’s up, Queens?”

“Not much,” Peter called back. He stooped to grab another container to fill with more pineapple pieces.

He walked out and Darcy watched as the man picked up a bunch of bananas in one of his large hands, fitting them in the crook of one of his biceps. He was all muscle, curves and lines that made Darcy flush a little, her eyes following him as he moved through the aisles with the ease of familiarity. She waited for Jay to acknowledge him but he was chatting to a young mom with her kids.

Darcy waited by the register, heart hammering when the man approached.

“I came for one thing, now I got way more,” he muttered.

His eyes locked with Darcy’s and she saw they were blue and warm, framed by long lashes.

“Yeah, it happens,” Darcy said.

She could feel herself begin to unfurl, wanting to make conversation. She began to weigh the fruit, scanned the barcodes. The man started to bag everything in the tote he’d clutched in his hand.

He move with a fluency that told her he was used to buying his own groceries. She didn’t see a ring on his hand, but she saw the edge of a tattoo on his left bicep, his sleeve covering the rest. Now that she could see him up close, he had more, hidden by his t-shirt. There was some text on his chest, another dark edge peeking out.

Jay finally yelled across the store, making Darcy jump, snapping out of her reverie.

“Your money’s no good here, man.”

“Nice try, Jay,” the man retorted, taking his wallet out from his jeans back pocket.

Darcy liked watching his arms move way too much, she enjoyed his facial expressions as Jay began to argue with him in Italian. His mouth pulled into a smile, his eyes twinkling with mirth as his brows lifted.

He began to argue back, hand gestures included, and Darcy began to laugh.

“Don’t take Steve’s money, Darcy,” Jay said, pointing at her.

Darcy didn’t know what else was being said, but it was clear that Steve was a favorite by how they argued. Jay only turned away because Carol had appeared to ask him to approve an invoice, and he gave Steve a wave, resigned.

“First day?”

Darcy’s eyes swung back to Steve’s and she pressed her lips together, nodding.

“You’re doing well,” Steve said with a nod, his voice softer.

She took the cash, but he stepped back before she could give him his change.

“C’mon,” she said, trying to shove it back, but he took hold of his bags instead.

“My hands’re full, I can’t,” he retorted, smiling at her. “You better keep it. From me.”

His Brooklyn accent had picked up.

“Keep it, Darcy,” he said, and she relented, her hand dropping to her side.

She watched him leave, knowing she’d gone pink some time ago. She forced her mind to shift back to the task at hand, the next customer.

-

Carol came to the register by the time Darcy was meant to leave, nodding at her.

“So, you think you’d come back?”

“Uh, yeah,” Darcy said, finding herself telling the truth.

“We’ll get you an apron,” Carol said.

She gave Darcy her widest smile yet, and Darcy felt something loosen in her chest.


	2. ii. Riley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this one! ❤ (Please, please, please keep coming back.)

_Lie to me_  
_Tell me I'm pretty_  
_Tell me I'm skinny_  
_Tell me I'm winning, fuck_  
_Lie to me_  
_Tell me I'm something_  
**\- "Lie To Me" by Tired Lion**

**ii. Riley**

Jane ducked her head into Darcy’s bedroom, not bothering to announce herself, which was typical. Darcy had her headphones in and wasn’t listening, so she had to ask Jane to repeat herself when she took them out.

“I said, you’re closing with me tomorrow night,” she said, palm up. “Carol texted me.”

“Oh,” Darcy said. “Right.”

Jane gave a little shrug. They hadn’t talked about working together, which was so clearly inevitable. Darcy hadn’t given the job that much thought before she decided to do that short shift that afternoon. As Jane turned to leave Darcy alone once more, Darcy sat up, rubbing her eyes under her glasses.

“You didn’t tell me about my legs killing me,” she called.

Jane paused, turning back, brows lifting.

“Oh. Well, yeah. Obviously.”

It didn’t seem that obvious to Darcy. She had only been standing at the counter for three hours, and she felt as if her calf muscles were tight as a bow string, threatening to snap. Her lower back hurt, too, like when she used to work in retail.

“What shoes did you wear?”

“I didn’t wear _heels_ , if that’s what you’re thinking,” Darcy retorted, feeling a little condescended to. She blamed her sensitivity on her tiredness.

Her whole body felt heavier than usual. She watched as Jane blinked at her with a blank face before she disappeared down the hallway, shutting her bedroom door.

Before they moved in together, Darcy had complained about her bad roommates she’d had, and the solution had seemed simple to Jane, but at the time Darcy had hesitated. Up until that point, she’d only had dealt with Jane in small, manageable doses. She got used to being in Jane’s orbit for longer, and it turned out fine. They still got along well, and Darcy liked to think they were as close as sisters.

She kept reminding herself of this when they left the apartment together the following afternoon, heading to the grocer’s in Brooklyn.

Peter was back, having started his shift after school. Darcy watched Jane slip on a mask as she stepped into the store, greeting a customer she knew by name. Darcy kept behind her, smiling and waving at Peter behind the counter.

Carol was standing in the cramped office with a black girl Darcy hadn’t met before, their heads turning as she and Jane squeezed through to get to the backroom.

“Hey,” Darcy called, unsure of whether to pause and greet her boss properly.

If that’s what Carol was. It wasn’t clear if she had the job yet, it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours since her last shift.

She decided to halt at the last second, shoes squeaking. The stranger gave her a wide smile.

“I’m Maria.”

“Hey,” Darcy said again. “How do you do?”

“Hi, Jane!” Maria called, and Jane yelled back distractedly.

“I got you an apron,” Carol said, diving for a carrier bag that was crammed under the rickety table her Mac book sat on.

Darcy was handed a little plastic package she peeled open, revealing an olive green apron like Jane’s. It smelt new, factory fresh.

“Thank you.”

“I have a contract for you to sign,” Carol added. “When you get a chance, read over it and then send me an email.”

“We’re heading out,” Maria said, shrugging a bag on her shoulder. She turned toward Carol. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Carol murmured, her voice changing when she spoke to her instead of Darcy. “Just a sec…”

She ducked out of the office, leaving Maria and Darcy alone, calling out toward the backroom:

“Quill? You got a sec?”

Left alone, Darcy fiddled with her knapsack, blinking at Maria.

“You studying?”

“No,” Darcy said. She cleared her throat. “Just wanted a change, I guess.”

“I feel that,” Maria said. “Carol said you and Jane live together.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said. She lifted the apron up. “I guess I better go put this on.”

She walked into the backroom, seeing Jane tying on her own apron, sweeping her long hair into a bun on the top of her head. Darcy could make out Carol and Quill talking out back, and she felt a wave of nervousness she hadn’t anticipated.

“Uh, so, I guess you’ll let me know if I fuck up,” Darcy joked.

“It’ll be easy, just don’t do anything stupid,” Jane said.

Darcy had sort of hoped she’d say something more substantial, and Jane looked her in the eye, blinking a couple times.

Darcy made her frown a little more prominent but Jane still didn’t say anything. Darcy reminded herself Jane loved her dearly but she was simply bad at reading facial expressions.

“Jane…”

She finally caught on, reaching out to touch Darcy’s shoulder.

“You did fine yesterday,” she murmured. “Carol said so.”

Darcy knew it was the best she could do and nodded at her, her attention back on her apron. She unfurled it, looped the leather pieces through as she tied it on. In a last-minute decision, she’d worn the same hoodie as yesterday, but it was a lot warmer that afternoon than yesterday. She gave a short huff, tugging the apron back off, then her hoodie.

Quill appeared, stepping through the backdoor with Carol, stopping mid-sentence as he spotted Darcy.

“Hey, New Girl!” he said, perking up.

Jane glanced his way, eyes narrowing.

“Yeah, I’m back,” Darcy said, pulling her apron back on. She ducked her gaze, hoping he would keep his distance.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t cute, because he definitely was. It just didn’t serve her well right now to try to juggle Jane and him at the same time, especially when this was her second day there.

She made sure to give a friendly enough smile, keeping her gaze averted. Carol spoke, Darcy’s eyes swinging back up to meet hers as she finished tying the apron in place.

“Quill’s gonna be out back, dealing with orders,” she explained. “You’ll be with Jane. Peter’s gonna be here all night, too. If you need anything, ask any of them.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, nodding. “Sure.”

“You got my number if you need it, and read the contract,” Carol said.

Maria appeared and Carol nodded at her.

“I’m going. We’ve been up since four,” she said.

“Four?” Darcy repeated, and Carol and Maria laughed, nodding.

Jane disappeared and Darcy put up her hand in a short wave, knowing she should follow her. She felt a little self-conscious but she pushed it aside, knowing it didn’t matter.

“Bye.”

“Bye, Darcy,” Carol said, with a little laugh that made Darcy feel about as young as Peter.

She took a deep breath to fortify herself, rolling her eyes when she turned her back, racing out to the front of the store, weaving past a woman contemplating a couple limes in one of the aisles.

She slipped behind the front counter and Peter gave her another smile.

“We’re closing tonight, go team!” he said, putting his hand up and Darcy high-fived him.

Jane ignored him, flicking through the catalog on the register, brows furrowing.

“Did he give you a rundown yesterday?”

“I sort of just… used it, I dunno,” Darcy said, shrugging. “It’s not that hard.”

Darcy kept smiling as people drifted in and out of the store, only half-listening as Jane gave a seminar on the proper usage of the cash register. Darcy nudged her when a customer came up to them, basket full.

“Hi, how are you?” Jane said, flashing her best smile.

She was so beautiful, Darcy always stared a little when Jane put on the charm. She wasn’t sure her friend even knew the full affect she had on people when she did it, making men turn pink and women smile back with all the trust in the world.

“I’m good, how are you ladies?”

Watching Jane become this other person for a few minutes was eye-opening, since Darcy hadn’t seen it up close in years. The last time she’d witnessed it was at a New Year’s Eve party when Darcy was dragged for moral support. It was one of Jane’s boyfriend’s parties and she didn’t know anyone there. Darcy had heard her practising conversations under her breath, fretting over what to wear. They’d only stayed at the party for half an hour before they left, Jane’s hands balled into fists.

As soon as the customer had paid and left, Jane’s face morphed back to something neutral, her shoulders slumping a little. Darcy heard a soft pop and realised Jane cracked her knuckle under the bench, swallowing as Peter busied himself with the juicer.

Darcy didn’t have to wonder why Jane hadn’t told her much about this job, even though she’d had it for two years. She didn’t like talking about her masking at length.

“What music are we listening to?” Darcy asked, to break the silence, since there was no radio playing.

“Oh, Carol had the iPad playing through the speakers,” Peter said.

He poured a full jug into a larger plastic bottle. The contents was a deep red, staining his gloves.

“I’ll put something on,” Darcy said, springing into action.

She quickly attached synced the Bluetooth with her phone, opening up a playlist, filtering out the explicit songs. Fleetwood Mac began to play and Peter frowned.

“My aunt listens to this.”

“As she should,” Darcy retorted, puffing out her chest a little.

She sidled up to him, looking at the drink.

“What’s that? What recipe?”

Peter gave a little smile. “This guy named Dallas asks for beet juice and oranges with ginger.”

Darcy made a face and he began to laugh.

“Yeah, I thought so, too.”

“Darcy,” Jane prompted, and Darcy took the two paces back to stand beside her once more.

She knew Jane was all about order and she’d rather not fight with her at work, even though Peter was starting to grow on her.

-

As the afternoon played out, Darcy noted the little bursts of energy Jane had, the little rushes the store seemed to have, and the little sprints of quiet in between.

“Where’s Jay?” she finally asked, and Jane glanced at her.

“He said he’s trying to have more of a life,” she muttered. “Wants more workers so he can have a day off every once in a while.”

“Do _you_ know what those are, Jane?” Peter joked, and Jane’s lips quirked.

Darcy felt a little relief, seeing Jane loosen like that. It was the first time it had happened in hours, she seemed wound so tight. She and Darcy moved out from behind the bench to walk along the aisles, rearranging stock and putting more produce in.

Quill walked in, whistling along to the song Darcy was playing through the speakers.

“Finally, some decent tunes,” he said, and Peter pointed at Darcy. “New Girl’s responsible?”

“Darcy,” Jane corrected, not looking up from the bananas she was unboxing that Quill had pushed in on a cart. “Her name is Darcy.”

“I know that,” Quill said. “How can I forget?”

Darcy felt her cheeks heat, her lips pulling into a half-smile, deciding to not give him much to work with. Jane had other ideas.

“Leave her alone, Quill, she’s not interested.”

Peter laughed, the sound covered by his own cough a second later. Darcy stared at Jane, before she let herself finally look at Quill to see his reaction.

He’d frowned, dropping his hip, but his feelings didn’t seem too hurt.

“You have poor social skills,” Jane added.

“ _I_ have poor social skills?” he threw back, and Darcy felt her stomach drop. “ _Huh_.”

He glanced Darcy’s way, eyebrows hiking pointedly. He turned his heel, whistling again, unperturbed. Darcy picked up some bananas, breaking off four like Jane had done, passing her some to add to the pile.

Jane cracked her knuckles again and Darcy didn’t acknowledge it, licking her lips.

Darcy remembered Jane being called ‘Fembot’ when they were both at Culver, back before Jane had even been given her autism diagnosis. Jane hated feeling self-conscious about how different she was to other women. She didn’t take Darcy’s attempts to comfort her well at the best of times, and she knew doing it at work where customers or Peter could see would do more damage than good.

It always made Darcy defensive on her behalf, seeing people comment on her behavior. It didn’t mean Jane felt anything less, she just had a different way of expressing herself.

She thought about marching to the backroom and giving Quill a smack on the back of the head, but she knew she needed this job. She’d only cause Jane to flip out if she screwed it up, especially if it was over something like Jane being too blunt in public.

Darcy glanced out the front door of the store, pulling back from her thoughts as she saw a familiar figure on the other side of the road.

It was Steve, the hot guy with the hidden tattoos. He was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, a small child in front of him. She had blonde hair and a bag on her shoulders, staring up at him. He lifted her up effortlessly, Darcy’s eyes watching the movements of his full muscles working to hurl her into his arms.

She expected him to hug her close, but at the last second, he tossed her over his shoulder, so she was more or less hanging from her ankles and squealing.

Darcy burst out laughing, smothering the sound with her hand as it bubbled up. She couldn’t stop giggling as she watched Steve walk down the street with the little girl hanging by her ankles behind him.

She was thankful for the little reprieve, turning her attention back to the store as Jane nodded at some cans they needed to restock.

-

Darcy perked up, volunteering she make the next juice that was ordered, Peter and Jane exchanging a look.

“Fine,” Jane said. “But don’t break the machine.”

“You won’t break the machine,” Peter said instantly, probably because of the look on Darcy’s face.

The next juice was something called the Happy Go Lucky, which meant a lot of fresh mint and watermelon. Darcy ended up getting two kale juice orders in quick succession, her hands beginning to fumble as she tried to juggle everything. She felt watched, hunching a little with her back to the customers as she worked, trying not to spill anything.

“Darcy,” Jane murmured, just as the machine began to slow down. “You need to hit the reverse button for a few seconds –”

“Yeah, okay,” Darcy cut in, trying to not let Jane’s commentary feed into her mounting anxiety. “I’m working on it.”

Jane served customers as Darcy flailed in the background, Peter out back cutting up more fruit. Quill was restocking shelves as customers drifted in and out.

Darcy spun back around with the kale juices, handing them to a guy who looked a little unimpressed by how long he’d had to wait. Darcy flashed a little smile.

“Thank you for waiting.”

He immediately loosened. “Yeah, it’s okay. Thanks.”

Darcy turned away, moving back to try and salvage the work bench, seeing the mess she’d left behind. She felt Jane nudge her.

“Darce.”

“ _What_ –?”

The word came out as a half-snarl and she glared at Jane, losing all patience, when she saw Steve standing at the counter with the little girl from earlier latched to his leg.

Darcy stopped abruptly.

“Oh.”

“She wants a juice,” Jane said, nodding at the little girl whose eyes had turned wide at the sight of Darcy the Dragon.

“Of course,” Darcy said, stepping back to wipe her hands on her apron.

She felt herself break out in a sweat, swallowing. Steve moved to the side as another customer was served, kneeling to pick up the little girl again to hoist her onto his hip.

“Hey,” Darcy said, approaching them both. She drew in a breath. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay,” Steve said, looking at the little girl. “Riley, do you know what you want?”

Riley stuck her thumb in her mouth, looking like she wanted to disappear.

“I’m sorry,” Darcy said, looking at Steve this time. “I shouldn’t have yelled…”

“You weren’t yelling,” Steve whispered, brushing a lock of Riley’s hair from her face, stroking her cheek with one of his large fingers. “You tell Darcy what you want, sweetheart.”

Riley still seemed dubious, her thumb popping out of her mouth.

“What do you like, Riley?” Darcy asked.

Riley didn’t say anything. Darcy let her eyes fall to Riley’s feet, her lips pulling into a smile. She lifted a hand to reach over and touch one of Riley’s sneakers, admiring the design.

“Do you like red, Riley? Is it your favorite color?”

They were retro-style sneakers with Velcro straps and thick soles. They looked like they were more comfortable than the pair of shoes Darcy was wearing now, her sad, scuffed Keds from yesterday. She anticipated more aches like she’d had last night.

“Absolutely,” Steve said, nodding.

Riley mimicked him, lifting one of her little arms to point at the board above them.

“Strawberry.”

“What about strawberry _and_ watermelon?” Darcy said, and Riley nodded, pleased.

Steve smiled, Riley wriggling in his grasp. He placed her down on the ground and she raced to the other side of the store.

“Honey, we’ve gotta leave what we don’t want behind,” Steve called, and Darcy laughed, turning away to get the fruit out to make the juice.

She felt his eyes on her when she set to work, doing her best not to move too fast like she’d done in her panic only minutes ago.

“How’s it going?” he asked, and Darcy’s head turned toward him.

He was looking at her differently, his voice lowered, and Darcy swallowed.

“Uh, good,” Darcy said.

Jane was busy serving the line of customers that had formed. Darcy was thankful that her friend wasn’t watching this play out, since Darcy could feel a warmth pooling in her belly.

It was something she’d forgotten about, since before she met Tom, or the guy before him. She’d spent so long being disappointed and she hadn’t realised until that precise moment.

Not that she could let her imagination run wild with his guy she barely knew. She’d allow herself this little sliver of attention he gave her, since it felt nice among the chaos of the last half an hour.

“Riley insisted, she’s got me wrapped around her finger,” Steve went on, sounding a little apologetic. “I was watching you serve that jerk before –”

“Oh, no, that’s fine,” Darcy babbled. “I – I’m more than happy to make you a juice. Your… Riley a juice.”

She let herself glance his way again, tentative with her choice of words.

“Your… daughter?”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling.

Riley came back, careening straight into Steve’s leg. He gave an exaggerated grunt on impact, ruffling her hair.

“Darcy’s making it special for you, you better drink it all. Daddy’s not gonna finish it for you.”

Darcy had the impression that’s exactly what he’d do if she asked him. Riley was smiling openly now, watching with Steve as Darcy made the smaller bottle of juice. When Darcy went to pass the bottle over the counter, Steve pressed a ten dollar note into her hand.

“Keep the change,” he said, and Darcy’s eyes widened, realizing he had given her more than double what the juice was priced at.

“Hey –”

“Nah, hands are full,” Steve said, hoisting Riley back up in his arms, her bottle between her little hands that she put to her lips.

She gulped some down, giving a loud, contented sigh as Darcy put a hand on her hip.

“Verdict?”

“Yummy,” Riley declared, flashing a smile.

“What do you say?” Steve prompted quietly.

He nudged his daughter for good measure and she blurted:

“Thank you!”

“You’re very welcome…”

Steve turned to leave, eyes meeting Darcy’s again, mouthing:

_“Keep the change.”_

“ _I’m gonna throw the coins at you next time_ ,” Darcy stage-whispered, widening her eyes a little.

He gave her a lingering smile, disappearing out the front door. Darcy watched him leave, feeling her tummy somersault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> protect Jane at all costs
> 
> P.S. I watched a man throw his child around by the ankles recently, it was such a sweet embrace until it was clear he meant to drag his child around in the street like that. Yeeting his own blood like that sent me reeling  
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	3. iii. I Hate This Already

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with this ❤

_So step right out_  
_There is no amount_  
_Of cryin' I can do for you_  
_All this time_  
_We always walked a very thin line_  
_You didn't even hear me out_  
**\- "exile" by Taylor Swift & Bon Iver**

**iii. I Hate This Already**

Jane was drunk. Darcy knew by how her cheeks were flushed, and how she kept stumbling through sentences. It felt good to get drunk with her. They’d closed the store together with Peter and Quill again, and Darcy had liked the sense of achievement at the end of the week.

They mixed vodka with whatever they could find, and now Jane was standing in front of her closet door, her hand on her hip, her hand bunching her hair as she posed for Darcy to take a picture.

“How does it look?” Jane said, when she let go, rubbing her face.

“You can barely look at the camera straight,” Darcy muttered, and Jane gave a little snort, which was so unlike her Darcy couldn’t help collapsing into giggles.

They finally got a decent picture and Darcy handed the phone back to Jane, sipping more of her tumbler of drink. She’d only had a few sips but she’d apparently turned into a lightweight like Jane, who was furrowing her brows to inspect her phone.

“So what now? I start swiping?”

“Did you update any answers to those questions?” Darcy asked, reaching for the phone again.

She began to read as Jane flopped down on the bed beside her, draining her glass.

“I wanna order pizza,” she mumbled, and Darcy nudged her.

“This is too much, you can’t have whole paragraphs…”

Jane shot her a grumpy look that only made Darcy laugh, but she knew the sentiment. Jane was obsessed with giving as much detail in the information she gave. It was why she’d changed her thesis topic three times already. Darcy knew there would be a fourth or a fifth over the many months ahead Jane had to research and write. Darcy couldn’t pretend she knew enough about anything Jane was writing about, but she tried to comprehend it on occasion.

“You have to be dumber,” Darcy said, and Jane scrunched her nose in disgust. “Or you could just ask someone from Culver out – what? What’s wrong with that?”

“I already have to worry about being neurodivergent, I don’t want some other fucking… geek to worry about, too.”

“That seems a little unfair,” Darcy said, and Jane shrugged.

“ _I_ wouldn’t date me if I had a choice,” she said. “I want a normal guy.”

“You are normal, Jane,” Darcy said, and Jane looked like she wanted to roll her eyes.

“I know there’s nothing wrong with me, Darce, but I’m hardly the norm,” she muttered.

She got off her bed, disappearing down the hallway. Darcy heard her pour another drink. Darcy began to compress Jane’s answers.

“How about,” she said, when Jane returned with her drink and a bag of tortilla chips, “you say something like ‘when I’m not researching the magnetosphere of Jupiter –’”

“I’m not doing that anymore,” Jane cut in, mouth full. She chewed. “I think I want to change it to something to do with a recent supernova.”

“ _How_ recent?” Darcy said, unable to help herself. “Supernova-wise, that’s a few million years.”

Jane actually smiled at that, when she’d swallowed the chips. She put her drink to her lips.

“When I’m not researching supernovas, I’m cracking one open with the boys?” she drawled.

“Something like that,” Darcy said. “You can tell people you’re smart, but you also need to only be as smart as the room you’re in.”

“I hate this already.”

“Come on. You’re the complete package,” Darcy said, and Jane grimaced. “You pay for your own drinks, you have a steady income, and you’re a genius. You’re gorgeous. You’re also _tiny_ and some men really go for that.”

Jane looked away as Darcy said all this, another little smile forming.

“Yeah, I am pretty cool.”

“I didn’t say cool,” Darcy said, pointing.

“Asshole.”

Jane approved of Darcy’s use of emojis, the planet and the stars she used in her bio section, before Jane began to swipe left and right. Darcy watched with fascination like it was a videogame. She took out her own phone but she lost all will to try like Jane was once she actually checked her matches.

Maybe she wasn’t that attractive and she only got the men who saw she had some type of potential. She knew she used a lot of humor in her profile when the guys on there rarely read any of it with the type of attention to detail Jane had.

“There’s a precise art to this,” Jane said, breaking their silence.

Darcy looked at her, seeing Jane was narrowing her eyes as she read aloud in her deepest voice:

_“Hey.”_

Darcy snorted. “God, they need to be more original.”

She glanced at Jane’s phone, her brows hiking.

“Jesus. He’s so hot,” she murmured. “But douche-y.”

“I feel like he would choke me without asking,” Jane murmured, and Darcy stared at her face. “I dunno, do I message back? I think he’d meet me tonight.”

“You’re very drunk,” Darcy said, shaking her head.

“I am very drunk,” Jane agreed.

Darcy waited another minute before attempting to ask, but Jane already seemed to be ready for it, frowning at her.

“I didn’t get choked by some guy,” she said, hand up, and Darcy tucked her chin into her chest.

“Okay. What made you think –?”

“You said ‘douche-y’, it made me think of porn,” Jane said.

“He did actually look like he’s a porn star,” Darcy conceded.

She settled on her back, staring at the ceiling as Jane swiped and tapped out some messages. Darcy knew she should probably move or she was in danger of falling asleep on Jane’s bed. Jane nudged her thigh with her knee and Darcy jerked back up, a bad idea, her head spinning a little.

She wasn’t as far gone as Jane but she could sense she was getting there, her face feeling too warm.

“You thinking about Steve?”

Darcy hadn’t expected the accusation and she blinked hard to regain some composure, licking her lips. She wasn’t thinking of him for once, she was contemplating that pizza Jane mentioned earlier.

“No.”

“You like him?”

Darcy knew Jane wasn’t teasing, she was probably still trying to discern Darcy’s behavior from earlier. As usual for the past couple weeks, Steve had shown up with Riley and Darcy made them a juice. He arrived midway through the shift, during a quieter time.

Riley smiled up at Darcy as she leaned over the counter to inspect her outfit, pointing at the _Frozen_ themed Band-Aid on Riley’s knee.

“What happened there?”

“Fell at the park,” Riley said, and then she thrust her elbow toward Darcy, showing her yellowing bruise. “I got this, too.”

“Ouch,” Darcy said.

She glanced up at Steve, whose hand was in Riley’s hair, her knapsack on one of his shoulders. His lips pulled into a smile as Riley began to narrate the whole experience. She was running around as Steve sat on a bench with his iPad, drawing.

“Drawing?” Darcy said to Steve.

“Daddy’s an artist,” Riley explained, and Steve ruffled her hair.

“I’m a graphic designer,” he murmured. “I wouldn’t call it -”

“Show Darcy your drawing!” Riley yelled, and Steve mimed being deafened, putting a hand on his ear, eyes widening as Riley began to giggle, her voice dropping. “You drew a _bird_.”

Darcy found her voice, placing a hand on her hip, which she tended to do in their presence.

“I’d like to see that.”

Steve looked at Riley pointedly. “Could you go over to the green apples and pick four you like best?”

Riley kept giggling as she dashed away. Left alone, Steve gave a short breath of a laugh, his eyes swinging back to Darcy. She lifted her brows.

“You’re serious.”

“Well, yeah,” she said. “Store’s pretty empty, I’ve got time.”

He couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “I recall ordering a juice.”

“Show me the drawing and then I’ll get the juice,” Darcy retorted.

She got the feeling that she was like this with him because she knew nothing would come from it. In the little bubble of the store she was safe to be friendly and teasing, knowing Steve wasn’t attainable.

He lifted his eyebrow, drawing in a sigh.

“Alright…”

He unzipped Riley’s bag, taking out the iPad. He unlocked it, swiping through to his camera roll and tapped on something, turning it around to show her.

“Holy shit,” Darcy whispered, the words slipping out.

She’d never cursed in front of him before but he didn’t seem to react badly, laughing a little as he shook his head. The sketch was of a pigeon by a trashcan, so lifelike Darcy couldn’t help maximizing the image without asking, staring down at it.

“That juice, Darcy?”

“Oh, right,” Darcy said, and she stepped aside, finally taking out a couple tubs of fruit to start feeding into the juicer.

Riley returned with the four apples she’d chosen, trying to hoist herself onto the counter, but Steve scooped her up instead to hitch her on his hip.

“You’re getting too big,” he muttered.

“You just have to get bigger,” Riley said. “Why don’t _you_ get bigger?”

Darcy smirked, filling the bottle with the jug she’d mixed, capping it and wiping it with a towel she tossed aside. She moved back to the counter, passing the juice to Riley.

“He’s already pretty big,” she murmured to Riley. “He stopped growing a long time ago.”

“He needs bigger muscles,” Riley said, and Darcy did her best to not smile to wide, pressing her lips together.

She kept her eyes away from Steve’s, knowing she’d blush if he looked at her. He had plenty of muscles, flexing as he took out his wallet.

“I don’t know about that,” Darcy whispered under her breath.

Steve took out some cash and Darcy took a second to grab her water bottle from the spot she hid it under the counter, uncapping it to gulp some down as Steve slapped the cash on the bench, making Riley giggle.

“What do you say?”

“Thank you, Darcy,” Riley said, grinning up at her.

“You’re very welcome,” Darcy said.

She put the bottle back to her lips, Steve’s eyes drifting back to her as he picked up the apples to help Riley pack them away in her bag.

“Keep the change.”

Darcy shook her head at him, sighing a little. He smirked, stepping back and taking Riley’s hand.

“Bye, Darcy!” Riley yelled.

Darcy grinned at her.

“Bye, honey.”

“ _Bye_ ,” Steve mouthed.

His eyes dipped to her mouth for a second and Darcy went still, bottle still in hand, as they walked out. Her heart had begun to hammer and she let herself admire his rear end for all of two seconds before they disappeared down the street.

Sitting with Jane in her room, drunk and loose-tongued, Darcy had no qualms talking about Steve. She hadn’t before that night because she liked having that little treasured thing of her own, something without a commentary from outsiders looking in.

“Yeah, I like him,” Darcy murmured. “But he’s married, right?”

Jane shook her head, looking up from her phone.

“Okay, but he doesn’t have to be married to have a kid,” Darcy said, and Jane shook her head again.

“I’m not completely clueless. I meant he’s single,” Jane said, and Darcy frowned.

“What? _How?_ ” she blurted. “How is that possible?”

She looked away, thinking this new information over. She saw Steve with Riley almost every day. A few times he’d come alone but he’d always say hello, even if he was in a rush. Darcy was out the back last week for a minute and he’d put up a hand to greet her, seeing her from afar as Peter served him instead.

“So he has shared custody?”

“No,” Jane said. “He is full-time parenting. I heard Carol and Jay talking about it once.”

“You couldn’t be wrong?” Darcy said, and it was Jane’s turn to frown again.

“Why don’t you ask him? ‘Steve, where’s your wife’? And then if he’s offended, tell him the token Aspie said to ask –”

“Jesus, okay,” Darcy said, putting up a hand. “I think I’m done with drinking. You want a pizza?”

As she opened an app on her phone, her mind began to wander. If he was alone, why had that happened?

She knew she only saw a version of him he was in public, but she’d like to think her perception of men wasn’t completely off, and then she thought of her ex Tom, and a few guys before him. Darcy ordered breadsticks as well as a s’mores lava cake for herself, knowing she needed it.

By the time the food arrived, Darcy had gone back to the vodka, but kept her nose out of Tinder, unlike Jane.

They sat on the couch with a pizza between them, Darcy’s breadsticks gone, when Jane burst into a smile.

“I like this guy,” she murmured.

“What?” Darcy said, motioning Jane show her the phone. “Gimme.”

Jane passed it to her, and Darcy’s brows lifted at the sight of the man on the screen. His smile was like a sunbeam, so warm and genuine. He was standing with half his wet suit peeled down to his hips, his surfboard under one massive arm.

“Whoa.”

“Yeah. And he asked me what my thesis is on already,” Jane murmured.

Darcy’s fun was interrupted by the buzzing of her own phone that was wedged between a cushion and the couch, and she took it out, feeling her stomach drop at the caller ID:

**Dad**

“No,” she groaned, staring down at her phone as it rang and rang.

“You haven’t told him?” Jane said, and Darcy shook her head. “Darcy, it’s been three weeks.”

“I figured I’d grow the balls to tell him, but I didn’t.”

“Do it now, get it over with. And then eat the lava cake.”

Darcy still hesitated, groaning some more before she finally pressed the answer button, putting the phone to her ear.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hi! I’m not used to not going to Voicemail, but… hi! How are you? How’s the city?”

She hated how happy he was. He was never this happy when her mom was alive. Darcy had another thought, about Steve, among her reluctance to talk to her father.

What if he was a widower?

“Darcy, you there?”

“I quit my job,” Darcy blurted. “That’s how the city is going. I quit.”

There was a silence that fell between them, filled with Jane tapping on her phone. Darcy waited, dreading what he meant to say. He never had the right words to encourage her properly at the best of times.

“I…”

“I got another job already, it’s fine,” Darcy said. “I’m working with Jane now, at a grocer’s in Brooklyn. It’s nice. Sally would like it.”

She didn’t mean that as a dig, she knew Sally would be a customer there if she lived in the area. She’d go there every day and smile at a bunch of strangers that waited on her. Darcy couldn’t remember the last time Sally had smiled in her direction without it feeling forced.

“What was wrong with the other job? I thought you had a plan to get to the manager’s position.”

“No,” Darcy said. “I just said that if I ran the company, it’d probably be better.”

“So, how long’s this gonna last in Brooklyn?” John threw back.

This was going to turn ugly, Darcy could feel it seeping into her skin already, the urge to retaliate. She sucked in a breath.

“I dunno. A while, I hope.”

“Okay.”

“I should go, actually. Need an early night,” she lied. “But thank you for calling. I hope you’re well.”

She was using her call center voice, and if he found it suspect, he didn’t let on. Instead, he gave a sigh.

“Alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

He didn’t say how he was, or how his wife was. He hung up before saying goodbye, and Darcy felt her guts twist, thinking of her mom.

Her mom wouldn’t ever do that to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	4. iv. Auntie Nat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a sadder chapter but it's still cute, I hope
> 
>  **cw** : mentions of cancer

_Love a good cry in the night_   
_Oh this sad girl life, just do it for me_   
_Come to my pity party_   
**\- sadder, badder, cooler by Tove Lo**

**iv. Auntie Nat**

Darcy retreated to her bedroom the moment her dad hung up on her, not giving Jane an explanation. This had happened countless times before in the years they’d known each other.

Darcy slipped into her room, feeling the emotion surging from the back of her throat, her nose tickling as she lay down on her bed, unlocking her phone once more to get to her photo gallery.

She had a special folder, marked Mom, with several flower emojis on either side of the title. She began flicking through snap after snap, until she could feel her eyes begin to well with tears as her vision blurred.

She shouldn’t have answered that phone call. She should have pushed her dad away. She began to sob as she began the eternal inner monologue:

_I want to go back._

_I miss you too much._

_I don’t want to feel this anymore._

_Life is so unfair._

Darcy’s mom died five years ago, after a two years of cancer treatment, remission, and heartbreak. Darcy had some gaps of her memories of that time missing, but there were distinct moments she’d never forget for as long as she lived, like the day she got the phone call Rachel was diagnosed with breast cancer. It came completely out of left field, there was no history of it on either side of her family. There was only before the cancer, and after. Darcy wasn’t the same, and neither was her father John.

He’d seized the opportunity. Darcy knew that’s what Rachel would have wanted for everyone, to move on and try to make sense of a world she was absent from. Darcy was inconsolable in her rage and sadness, often doing the opposite of what others advised. She was told life would be more precious, and it wasn’t that way at all for her. She was only ever angry at how the world kept turning without hesitation, when she felt as if her universe was cracked beyond repair.

She couldn’t contemplate how truly unfair life could be. She knew Jane would feel the sting of losing a parent sometime in the next ten or so years. Her parents had her later in life, because they were dedicated academics and lifelong friends, and now they lived in Florida in their retirement village. Jane would hold her breath when she answered the phone most of the time and Darcy was sure she didn’t realize other people noticed her sag with relief when her mom was only checking in, and not telling her some appalling news.

Darcy stayed on her side, staring at her favorite photograph, one from when she was in high school, standing behind Rachel, her mom sitting in a chair, Darcy’s arms wrapped around her. They were wearing matching lipstick, Darcy remembered setting a timer and running back to get in the shot in time. She didn’t recall where her dad John was, but he probably didn’t want to be part of whatever they were doing. He stopped trying long before Rachel was ill.

-

Darcy was emotionally hungover the next morning, in a real slump that she couldn’t pick herself up out of even as the afternoon dragged on. She made herself go into work, knowing that she wasn’t herself. She hoped that by the end of the shift she didn’t quit.

Jane kept showing Darcy the pictures of the guy she was chatting to. She hadn’t stopped, their conversation dragging on for the rest of the night when Darcy had left her on the couch.

“His name is Thor?” Darcy read over Jane’s shoulder. “What?”

“He’s British,” Jane explained. “I think he was born in Norway, but he’s definitely Nordic.”

“He’s beautiful,” Darcy said, and Jane grinned.

“I _know_.”

Darcy hadn’t seen Jane like this for a long time and she made herself smile back at her, but it still hurt a little to try to perk herself up when her heart wasn’t in it.

When they arrived at work together, she still made sure to say hello to everyone, but she kept her head down as she pulled on her apron, hoping she wouldn’t start crying.

She hadn’t felt like this for over a month. A part of her hoped that this new job had cured her a little of the sullenness she’d felt the entirety of her last job. If anything, working at the call center had exacerbated her issues with grief. Maybe she wasn’t built for employment, and she had some gene missing where she could cope with being a responsible adult.

“You in a funk, New Girl?” Quill asked, handing her a pineapple he’d wrapped in plastic.

She swallowed, shrugging a shoulder.

“Put on some tunes, the shit Carol had on earlier was boring me to tears,” he added, nudging her.

Darcy thought about shoving him into a wall but she knew he meant well, in a ham-fisted way of comforting her. At least he didn’t do what Jay did, telling her to smile.

“Sure,” she said, voice a little clipped, feeling her guts twist.

She didn’t like other people outside her own head noticing how fucked up she was. Jane didn’t say a word, putting on her best smile when Darcy went to her side at the register. She volunteered to make juices as they were ordered.

She made sure she had her music on, trying to let her mind drift with the lyrics instead of thinking of her mom and how her dad didn’t love her the right way.

Peter nudged her when he returned from the backroom with a tub of cut oranges, and Darcy glanced in the direction he was looking.

“Apple Watch is back.”

Darcy felt herself smirk despite everything, seeing a guy who’d fast become the most hated customer that breezed through. He always was on his phone, pushed past other customers without excusing himself, and then threw his bag of kale on the counter to be weighed without acknowledging his server. He wore an Armani suit and tie, and always used his smart watch to pay for everything, and he never stayed to check if his credit card went through.

“Oh, my God,” Darcy said, knowing that Jane was the one to serve him.

She and Peter stood back, watching as Jane weighed the kale, the guy yammering on his phone, looking out the window.

“ _Excuse_ me,” Jane said, knocking the bag onto the floor with her hip when he hovered his wrist over the machine. She’d put on a giggly voice, apologetic as the man was forced to stoop and pick up the kale, the whole debacle interrupting the flow.

He shot Jane a grumpy look and she kept giggling.

“Gosh, I am a _butterfingers_ today!”

He left, talking on his phone, regaining his composure as he went. Darcy moved up beside Jane, putting her hand on her shoulder and squeezing. Jane’s face and gone neutral again, the ditsy façade long gone.

“We both know you don’t have wide-ass birthing hips,” Darcy whispered, and Jane shrugged.

“That guy is always such an entitled jerk,” Jane retorted, tapping on the touch screen.

Darcy noticed that she was able to not think about her personal life when she was at work. She could fall into the repetitive tasks and listen to music, the customers friendly and asking her how her day was when she handed them drink. She found herself glad that she hadn’t called in sick because she’d had a bad night and morning.

She found herself dancing along to music as Peter teased her about being secretly fifty, since every song was deemed as ‘old’ by him.

“I don’t recall telling you my music taste was free game.”

“I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just _old_ ,” he retorted.

Darcy’s hands rose to her ponytail, feeling some of it had come loose and she untied it as she rolled her eyes.

“Well, you’re like, twelve. Everything is old to you at your age.”

“I’m nearly sixteen,” he threw back, scrunching his nose.

Darcy grinned, twisting her tie. She was about to feed her hair through it to make it tighter but the band gave way, falling apart in her hand.

“Shit,” she hissed. “Jane, you got another hair tie?”

Jane glanced over her shoulder, shaking her head. “Parker?”

“Why would _I_ have one?” he said, chuckling.

He turned his heel and walked off to the backroom in search of a rubber band as Darcy dove under the counter as her own search party. She rummaged through the rolls of receipt paper hoping to find something, only discovering thumbtacks and masking tape and a one Euro coin.

She heard a familiar, childish voice while she was down there and she stood up, seeing Steve and Riley standing by the counter, but they weren’t alone.

A woman about Darcy’s height with long red hair in a braid was holding Riley’s hand as Steve held the other. She had full lips, and an hourglass figure framed by the black halter dress she was wearing, her retro sunglasses in her other hand. Her left hand had a diamond ring on it, with a matching wedding band next to it.

Was she Riley’s mom and Steve didn’t wear his wedding band? Darcy realized she was staring and shifted her eyes to Riley.

“Hi, honey.”

“Darcy!” she yelled. “Can I have a red juice, please?”

“Sure thing, chicken wing,” Darcy said, laughing, hoping she didn’t sound nervous.

Her hair was still down and she felt self-conscious, tucking some behind her ear. Her eyes snapped to the redhead as she began to speak in a husky voice:

“Riley wouldn’t stop talking about you all through lunch so we had to come by.”

“Really?” Darcy said.

“Yeah,” Steve said, speaking for the first time.

She was beautiful, the redhead. She began talking to Riley as Darcy moved back, picking up her gloves to slip on. Peter appeared, out of breath but smiling, holding a rubber band aloft.

“Quill said it’ll snag on your hair but it’ll do.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, taking it and tying her hair lightning fast.

She got out fruit as Riley pulled the woman along, showing her the store. Steve lingered by the counter. Darcy felt watched, her stomach somersaulting. She didn’t know what to say, so she stayed quiet, making the juice as Jane kept serving in the meantime.

Riley tugged the woman back, craning her head as she watched Darcy over the counter.

“Auntie Nat, are you gonna get a juice?”

Did ‘Auntie’ mean she was Steve’s sister? They looked nothing alike. Maybe Steve’s sister-in-law? Darcy wished her mind would slow down and stop trying to make connections, to explain the full story. His dead wife’s sister, maybe?

“I’m thinking about it.”

Darcy turned her head finally, seeing Steve was definitely watching her, but she made sure to look at Nat instead.

“What do you like?” the redhead asked, and Darcy drew in a breath.

“Well, anything but the kale juice.”

Nat looked at Riley. “We don’t want yucky kale, huh?”

Riley began to giggle, shaking her head. Steve ruffled her hair.

“Get The Punch, it’s easy,” he murmured to Nat. “Takes Darcy about two seconds to make.”

“Steve doesn’t like being imposing,” Nat said, and Darcy realized she was talking to her.

Darcy smirked a little, letting her eyes swing back to Steve, thinking of all the times he’d refused her change.

“Sounds about right.”

She finished Riley’s juice and made The Punch, which was orange and pineapple with a couple slices of lemon for garnish. Nat paid, which caused a little argument between her and Steve. She took the change Darcy gave her, and Darcy couldn’t help it, she lifted her brow at Steve pointedly.

-

A few hours later as Darcy was sweeping the front of the store as Peter cleaned the juicer machinery out back, Jane counting the till with Quill in the backroom, Darcy heard a knock on the closed door.

She put her broom aside, wiping her hands on her apron as she reached the door, opening it a crack to peer out. They’d already put the blackout curtains down and put up the Closed sign.

She felt her stomach flip when she saw Steve standing there.

“Did you forget something? I can get it –”

Darcy turned her head toward the store and Steve put up a hand, shaking his head.

“No, no… I, uh. I wanted to ask you for something.”

Darcy felt her cheeks instantly heat and she wondered if she could let her imagination run wild, her mouth feeling suddenly dry.

“Anything,” she said.

He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I need – I need a sitter, for Riley,” he said. “I would ask Nat, but she can’t do it as often as I might need. I’ve got projects coming up, and I don’t want Riley cooped up inside all the time, with summer and everything…”

“Sure,” Darcy said, nodding. “Why me, though?”

“I figured you could use the cash,” he murmured, and Darcy felt her lips quirk. “And she loves you. She screamed when I suggested it.”

There was a pause and Darcy nodded again.

“I’d… I’d love to.”

“Okay,” Steve murmured. “Thank you. I’ll…”

He looked like he meant to say more, but he hesitated, glancing behind Darcy.

“Sorry, I’ll let you get back.”

“It’s fine,” Darcy said, putting up her hand. “You want my number?”

He nodded, moving closer to her, before he sighed and shut his eyes.

“Shit, I left my phone at the apartment. I ran down here, Nat’s putting Riley to bed –”

Feeling braver, Darcy tugged him by the wrist, grabbing a pen from her pocket. She wrote the number on his palm as carefully as she could. She could feel the heat of his body as she held his hand, his eyes warm when she glanced back up, finished.

“There you go.”

“Riley’s gonna flip,” Steve whispered, and Darcy grinned. “Thank you.”

“Nat’s not -?”

Darcy regretted the words slipping out and she wished she could shove them back into her mouth and forget the question she’d half asked.

“She’s the best aunt, but I can’t keep exploitin’ her or Bucky’s kindness every time I’ve gotta juggle Riley and work,” Steve said, flexing his hand a couple times, looking down at the number. He glanced away. “Bucky’s a friend. They’re married.”

“You’re not?” Darcy asked.

There was an awkward pause.

“Married,” she added, and Steve drew in a breath.

“Not… not anymore,” he said, shaking his head.

“Your ex wouldn’t have an issue with me? Since I don’t know… them?” Darcy said, not wanting to screw up pronouns. She swallowed. “I wouldn’t want to cause any sort of friction.”

“I haven’t seen my ex in two years,” Steve said. “Riley doesn’t remember her mom that well.”

“Oh,” Darcy said.

Another silence and she felt guilty from the look on his face. Steve looked like he wanted to hide, rubbing his neck.

“I should get back,” she said, jutting her thumb behind her. “Text me.”

“Yeah. Will do.”

She disappeared before she did anything truly mortifying, shutting the door behind her. She picked up the broom and got back to sweeping, her mind reeling.

She wasn’t taking in the music that played behind the counter, or the sounds of coins being dropped in the till as Jane counted them, or the sounds of Peter scrubbing in the sink.

Riley’s mom _left_ her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Darcy the Babysitter is comingggggg into the fires of slow burn we goooooo, no backing out now
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	5. v. But He Made Pancakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heart eyes, motherfucker
> 
> I'm cracking out the Mitski, it's time for yearning

_Do you wanna be my baby?_  
_Are you waiting to touch me?_  
_You look so good, but I keep my hands_  
**\- "Come into the Water" by Mitski**

**v. But He Made Pancakes**

Darcy trudged up the stairs to the apartment, wiping some sweat from her forehead. It was still late-May and when she checked the weather app on her phone that morning, she saw it was already 89 degrees at 8AM, which told her summer was going to make her nothing but a puddle.

She gave a little sigh, taking out her keys to shove them in the door, opening it and slipping inside. She’d put the A/C on when she ducked out before, and although there was hardly a difference in temperature, it was so much better than the stifling humidity of the outdoors.

She wondered how she was going to handle wrangling Riley in this heat that afternoon. As she walked into the kitchen, tugging her earphones out, she could hear loud moaning coming from down the hallway. She paused, fridge door open, the gallon of milk she’d bought still in her hand. The moans were two different voices, one low and harsh, the other high and wavering. Darcy put the milk away, realizing it didn’t sound organic, it was coming from a speaker somewhere down the hallway.

She walked through the apartment, putting her hands over her ears as the moaning recording got louder and louder. She stuck her head in Jane’s room, leaning over to grab the doorknob to shut it. Jane’s back was to the door as her desk faced away, and she was leaning on one elbow, watching porn on her laptop.

She didn’t notice Darcy, which was not uncommon.

“Jane!” Darcy hissed. “Inappropriate.”

Jane turned her head, unperturbed by Darcy. “I found the guy.”

“What?”

She stepped into the room, Jane’s finger raised to point at her laptop screen. Darcy could see Jane’s desk was littered with food wrappers and coffee mugs. She must have had another sprint in the night, both she and Darcy had days off from the store, and Darcy had left without seeing Jane earlier.

“Where were you?” Jane added.

“I went to get milk,” Darcy said, squinting at the screen. “Is that the douche-y guy from Tinder?”

Jane paused the man mid-thrust. He was standing by a couch, the woman beneath him tweaking her own nipples as he had both of her ankles by his face.

“How long did it take for you to find him?” Darcy asked.

“Two hours,” she said.

“It’s –” Darcy couldn’t help being a little impressed. “Jane, you can’t listen to porn that loud without earphones. If our neighbors heard…”

She shook her head.

“Have you been up all night?”

“Yes,” Jane said, rubbing her eyes. She shut her laptop abruptly, pushing back her chair to stand. “I re-wrote my introduction again. I think I might head to campus.”

“It’s your day off –”

“I know,” Jane murmured, looking around for something, ducking under her bed to retrieve a sports bra.

She turned her back to Darcy, tugging off her t-shirt and grabbed her bra to pull it on. She’d been like this ever since they first moved in. She wasn’t shy about her own body around other people, unlike Darcy.

Since she got the text from Steve a couple days after she gave him her number, she hadn’t stopped thinking about what type of impression she wanted to make outside of the store. She purposefully took out her phone to check her messages again, in case Steve had sent any more instructions, as Jane dressed quickly and grabbed her brush from her desk.

Darcy knew she was counting her strokes so she didn’t interrupt, not until Jane was satisfied and put the brush back in its rightful place.

“Are you nervous?” she asked, and Darcy’s brow lifted.

“Yeah, and it’s dumb, I shouldn’t be,” she murmured.

“It is dumb.”

“Okay, thanks,” Darcy said, smirking a little.

Jane grabbed her laptop and put it under one arm. She and Darcy slipped out of the room, Darcy leaning against the hallway wall as Jane went to use the bathroom.

“Why were you looking for that guy on Tinder? What about Thor?” Darcy called.

Jane seemed to pause to think and Darcy wondered if something had turned sour, triggering Jane’s all-nighter.

“I thought I’d send Thor a picture.”

Darcy heard her flush and wash her hands, opening the bathroom door once more. Her eyes had averted as Darcy handed her back the laptop.

“What sort of picture?” Darcy asked, though she knew exactly what type Jane meant.

“I wasn’t sure about poses or… whether or not to…” Jane mumbled.

“Did he ask you for a photo?” Darcy asked, and Jane shook her head.

“No, I wanted him to see what I looked like before he decided whether or not to have sex with me,” Jane said, shrugging a shoulder.

“Go on a _date_ with him,” Darcy said, and Jane looked awkward again. “What? What is it?”

“I was pretending a lot at first with him,” Jane muttered. She bit her lip. “And then I told him everything, about my diagnosis, and how I can’t do relationships that well. I told him I didn’t have any issues with sex and that I like it a lot, actually –”

“So then,” Darcy cut in, putting out a hand to touch Jane’s shoulder, pulling her back to the present. “Go on a date with him and hook up, if that’s what _you_ want.”

Jane nodded. “Okay. I’ll just tell him what I want.”

“Easy-peasy,” Darcy said, smiling now.

-

Darcy skipped every couple steps on her way up, after Riley buzzed her into the apartment building. She had a few ideas for outfits. The first was a summery dress that cinched in at the waist with a little tie. It was black and dotted with little daisies. She nixed that when she realised it was way too flowy for running around with a five year-old gracefully. Darcy knew she’d be crouching and actually playing with Riley, not just supervising her.

She didn’t want to dress up too much or Steve would see she had tried too hard for a babysitting gig, and that would be mortifying. She thought about going the opposite route, dressing down deliberately, but she couldn’t get away with no makeup like Jane did.

She opted for a pair of leggings, her Keds and a long black t-shirt. She kept her hair down, put on a few coats of mascara and the barest hint of colour on her lips from a staining lip oil she feathered out with a finger.

She was glad Jane hadn’t been at the apartment to witness her acting like this, butterflies in her stomach and buzzing with anticipation, unable to keep still for long.

She knocked on the front door of Steve’s apartment, listening out to hear Riley yelling from the inside. Darcy smiled down at her when the door was wrenched open, seeing Riley grinning wide.

“Hi, Darcy!”

“Hi, honey,” Darcy said, and Riley launched herself at her, her face colliding with Darcy’s middle in a tight hug. “Oh, wow, thank you…”

Standing in the doorway, she could see already that their apartment was in dire need of a clean-up. There were toys strewn across the floor, papers on the couch, dust on the TV. Darcy stepped inside, shutting the door behind her before she was tugged along by the hand.

“Daddy’s in the shower, he’s running late.”

Steve appeared, coming from down the hallway, looking sheepish.

“Hey, Darcy,” he said, and Darcy put up her spare hand in a wave. “The place is… not ideal.”

“Organized chaos,” Riley said, smiling, obviously reciting something her dad had said before. “Uncle Bucky stood on my Lego astronaut and said the F word.”

“Oh,” Darcy said, glancing at Steve, who was shaking his head.

Riley tugged her over to the shelves by the TV, letting go of her hand to pick up a photo frame, holding it for Darcy to see, pressing fingerprints into the glass.

“That’s Uncle Bucky. I have more –”

“Honey, I need to talk to Darcy about important stuff for a second,” Steve said, and Riley nodded, but kept narrating each photograph she pointed to.

Bucky and Nat would make beautiful babies together, Darcy would bet her entire college debt on that. He had dark hair, big blue eyes and a dazzling smile, peering at the camera with his arm around Nat at the beach, Riley at their feet looking a little younger than she was now. Steve must have taken the picture.

Darcy’s eyes met Steve’s.

“Any allergies?”

“No, she’s great that way,” Steve said with a little smile. “I’ll be back for dinner, Riley can have the leftovers in the fridge for lunch. She has a key, too, if you wanna go for a walk.”

“You have a key?” Darcy said to Riley, who’d nudged her with another photo frame featuring Bucky and Steve wearing Army uniforms. “What’s this?”

“Daddy and Uncle Bucky,” Riley said, laughing a little. “You’re silly.”

“I didn’t know you served,” Darcy murmured.

“Long time ago,” Steve said, and Darcy could see he was younger in the picture, but the man seemed to age slowly like her. He knelt so he was eye-level with his daughter. “Before I even had any idea _you_ would be here one day. Hey, are you gonna be good?”

“Yeah,” Riley said, distracted. She looked at Darcy. “How old are you? Daddy’s thirty-two.”

Darcy felt self-conscious then, like she needed to explain herself.

“I’m twenty-four. Nearly twenty-five.”

“I’m five!” Riley said, putting up her hand.

Steve pressed a kiss to Riley’s head, standing up to ruffle her hair, glancing at Darcy. Riley took off, singing some nonsense as she stopped in front of a pile of toys, sifting through for something.

“Don’t let her bully you,” Steve murmured, and Darcy pressed her lips together to stop herself from smiling too wide. “I’m talking from experience.”

“She just told me she’s five whole years-old,” Darcy whispered, and Steve smiled, shaking his head.

“Don’t let her bully you,” he said again, and Darcy chuckled.

Riley returned with an Elsa doll that seemed a little worse for wear, her hair a gnarled mess, her dress torn off her shoulders.

Steve checked his watch, eyes widening.

“Shit, I’m gonna be late,” he whispered.

“Daddy!” Riley yelled, and Steve ducked down again, kissing her face several times.

“Yes, Daddy is swearing, I’m sorry,” he said, and he got back up, glancing at Darcy.

“I have your number, she’s gonna be fine,” Darcy said, even doing a thumbs-up for good measure, and it seemed to be the right thing to say.

“Thank you – I’m – thanks,” he said.

He quickly grabbed a messenger bag from the couch, unearthing it from under the stacks of papers that Darcy could see were drawings.

“How do I look?” he said, hand combing through his hair.

He wore a short-sleeved white Henley shirt that hugged the curves of his muscles. He smelt of the body wash he must have used in the shower, something vaguely eucalyptus in its scent. Darcy’s lips parted as he looked back at her, waiting.

“Wait,” she said, moving forward, her hand raised.

She wiped the tiniest speck of shaving cream from his cheek by his sideburn where he’d cleaned up his short facial hair.

“I can never decide whether to grow a beard or not,” he murmured, as Darcy stepped back.

“What do you think, Riley?” she asked. “Prince Charming?”

Riley nodded, grinning. “Daddy’s so handsome.”

Steve let out a breath of a laugh.

“I love you,” he said to Riley, and then glanced back at Darcy. “Thank you.”

Darcy motioned shooing him away and Riley began to laugh, as Steve dashed toward the door. He gave one last look back at them before shutting the door, his footsteps echoing in the stairwell as he disappeared.

Darcy turned to Riley, hands on her hips.

“We’re gonna clean.”

-

It was easy to keep Riley occupied, giving her tasks as Darcy did the majority of the work. She moved through the apartment, finding a spot to put the papers that lived on the couch. She elbowed her way into Steve’s office, seeing another disaster area, dumping everything on his desk before she ducked back out.

They managed to scoop up all the toys, taking them to Riley’s room. Darcy got Riley to show her where the vacuum was, asking her to pick up all the dirty dishes she could find in the apartment to take them into the kitchen.

As Darcy swept in the kitchen, Riley ate pieces of cold roast chicken at the counter, chewing with her mouth open, happily watching Darcy work. Darcy went into the laundry, trying to find floor cleaner and a mop.

“Riley, honey – do you know where -?”

Riley appeared, bumping into Darcy. She was a very tactile child, touching a piece of Darcy’s hair and moving it off her shoulder, following the curve of Darcy’s earlobe.

“I’m bored,” she declared, and Darcy snorted.

“I like your honesty,” she said. “We can go on an expedition.”

“What’s that?” Riley said, screwing her little face up.

Darcy leaned back on her knees, the cupboard still open. She gestured to its insides.

“We don’t have floor cleaner, so we need to go out and get some. It’s a special job for us, an expedition.”

“Can I bring Elsa?”

“Yes,” Darcy said, nodding.

She slathered sunscreen on both of them, and the scent reminded her of the beach with her mom, the memories tugging on her heart a little too hard as she went to find a hat in Riley’s room.

“Daddy’s hat?” Riley suggested, and Darcy bit her lip, wondering if she should go into his room.

“Okay,” she said eventually, and Riley took off, her sneakers squeaking on the floorboards.

Darcy followed her at a much slower pace, lingering in the doorway and staring at how neat the bedspread was compared to Riley’s in the next room.

Army regulation, it had to be. Darcy let her eyes wander as Riley ducked into her dad’s closet, fishing out a navy cap and putting it on. It was definitely too big, but Riley didn’t seem to mind, grinning up at Darcy as she walked back into the hallway.

They wandered out into the street, the sun hitting Darcy like a wall because the apartment was so much cooler. Riley held her hand with Elsa in her other, asking Darcy questions as they walked down the street to the convenience store.

“How tall are you?”

“Not very,” Darcy replied.

“Daddy’s tall.”

“He is,” Darcy said, smiling at her.

“He has a _big_ meeting today, a _big_ client,” Riley said, swinging Elsa. “He had a lot of coffee before you got here.”

“Was your dad nervous?” Darcy asked, and Riley frowned a little.

“He was sad.”

Sad? Darcy squeezed Riley’s hand.

“Why was he sad? What did he do?”

Riley blinked up at her, Elsa knocking into a nearby iron gate, the plastic of her arm making a distinct tapping sound.

“He said ‘I’m tired, I’m tired’. But he made pancakes,” Riley said, perking up a little.

“He sounds like he was a little stressed out,” Darcy said, trying to think of a way to explain it. “I think when he comes home and sees you cleaned the apartment with me, he’ll feel a little better. And maybe then he’ll make you pancakes again tomorrow because he’ll be proud of you.”

“Yeah?” Riley said, grinning.

“Yeah,” Darcy said.

They returned from the store with the bottle of apple-scented cleaner and Darcy put on a DVD for Riley, telling her not to walk into the kitchen for a little while. She mopped the floors and then scrubbed the toilet, took out the trash and settled beside Riley on the couch to watch the last half of the movie.

“When’s Daddy coming back?” Riley asked, when the credits were rolling.

“Tonight, when you’re eating dinner. He’s gonna bring home _pizza_ ,” Darcy said, tickling Riley’s side.

-

Darcy got a text when she and Riley were in her bedroom on the carpet, playing with Elsa and a few stuffed animals.

**_Meeting’s going to run a little late, sorry_ **

Darcy wrote back immediately:

**_That’s okay. I can order pizza. Riley’s happy._ **

She smiled down at her phone when he sent back a thumbs-up emoji, and then she chuckled as he sent:

**_There’s beer if you want it_ **

Darcy lay on her side, tapping out a message as Riley made her purple bunny hop along Darcy’s hip and upper thigh.

**_I won’t get blitzed yet, I promise_ **

She turned her attention back to Riley, just as the bunny nudged her shoulder.

“Daddy’s going to come home after dinner, okay?”

Riley stopped, frowning. “Okay.”

“Do you want to watch _Frozen_ again?”

Riley lit up, jumping to her feet.

“YES!”

-

Darcy woke on the couch, blinking back the living room as she felt a hands on her shoulders, drawing in a deep breath.

Steve stood over her.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered, as she tried to stand up. “Sit down.”

She obeyed, his hands slipping away as she rubbed her eyes.

“What time is it?”

“Nearly ten, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Darcy remembered putting Riley to bed and lowering the volume of the TV, watching TCM as she waited for Steve’s return.

“You cleaned,” he whispered, and Darcy nodded. “God…”

“It’s fine,” she said, and he sat down beside her with a sigh. “How’d it go?”

He’d closed his eyes as he passed a hand over his face, stretching a little.

“We went to this bar, after we got lunch, and we kept talkin’ and talkin’… do you know anything about microbreweries? ‘Cause… ‘cause I don’t…”

Darcy let out a little giggle, realizing he was drunk. His words were slurring, and he swallowed, eyes resting on hers.

“What’s so funny?”

“You’re blasted.”

“Yeah, a little,” he whispered. “You _cleaned my apartment_.”

“Yeah, I know,” Darcy said, shifting in her seat, turning her body toward his. “I think it helped Riley fall asleep tonight. Except we watched _Frozen_ twice.”

Steve gave a sleepy smile. Darcy’s eyes fell to the tattoo peeking out from the neckline of his shirt, where the first button had undone. It looked like the tip of a wing.

“I need to pay you…”

He shifted, lifting his hips to access his back pocket, taking out his wallet. He took a couple bills out, more than Darcy had thought she was entitled to.

“Steve…”

“You’re in my apartment, you’re taking the money,” he said, and he moved toward her, placing the bills in her palm and curling her fingers around it. “Okay?”

Darcy nodded, conceding.

He gave a little smile. “You want a drink?”

She stayed for a beer, sitting next to him on the couch as they watched an Audrey Hepburn movie. Darcy kept glancing over at him to check if he was really there. It felt too nice, like she’d be waking up properly any second now, Steve sober and asking her to leave.

“What was the client?” Darcy asked. “A beer company?”

Steve nodded. “They want me to do copy but I dunno if their rate is worth it, considering how small they are. I hate freelancing…”

Darcy propped up her elbow on the back of the couch, looking down at him.

“Did you work in an office before?” she asked.

“Yeah. And that was worse,” he muttered. “I couldn’t keep up, and Riley –”

He stopped, licking his lips.

“But I stopped that, so…”

His sentence fell away and Darcy watched something pass over his face, something dulling before he put his bottle back to his lips for another sip.

“You can ask me whatever you want,” he murmured, eyes shifting from the space between them to Darcy’s hand wrapped around her half-drunk bottle, then finally her face.

“You’re drunk, I don’t wanna ask anything,” Darcy said, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t think you want to tell me.”

“Riley wouldn’t tell you,” he went on. “I don’t think she’s fully aware.”

“Steve, you don’t have to explain…”

“I feel like I should,” he said, eyes meeting hers.

They silence between them was taut and Darcy held her breath.

“I don’t get sitters because Bucky and Nat wanna help out. Riley doesn’t really mesh well with strangers,” he said. “She likes you a lot.”

“I like her a lot, too,” Darcy said, and she meant it. “She’s amazing.”

Steve’s jaw ticked and he looked away again, shaking his head, eyes traveling around the room.

“Jesus, you cleaned my fuckin’ apartment.”

“Shut up,” Darcy said, and he turned his head back toward her, lips pulling into a half smile. “I wanted to. You needed it –”

“ _You_ need to go,” he said, and Darcy nodded, moving to stand up.

Darcy picked up her bag from his side of the couch, crouching to shove her phone inside. Steve stayed, watching her from above, and Darcy felt a stirring in her guts at the thought of him being able to see down her shirt.

She stood up, hitching her strap onto her shoulder.

“You getting a cab?”

“No, the subway,” Darcy said, and he shook his head.

“Get a cab.”

He took out more money as he stood up, walking her toward the front door.

“Get a cab,” he said again, and she took it, stepping into the hallway.

She turned her heel, readying herself to leave.

“I’ll see you at the store, okay?” she said.

To her surprise, he took hold of her fist that was closed around the cash.

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

Darcy felt hot, hotter than when she was outside in the afternoon sun, her stomach flipping as she held her breath again, blinking up at him.

“Go to bed, you are drunk,” she said on exhale, and he closed his eyes, nodding as he leaned against the doorframe.

“ _You_ …” he said, raising a finger as he let go of her. “…are a diamond.”

Darcy couldn’t help smiling, stepping away, their eyes still locked.

“Bye.”

“Bye, sweetheart…”

She walked down the hallway, turning back when she got to the entrance, to check if he had gone inside. He was still standing there, watching her leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	6. vi. I Could Throw Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me live in this world ughhhhh

_Ready for anything, ready or not_  
_How long I've waited for some lightning sound_  
_Talking ‘bout all the fault_  
_Saves my life like you don't know_  
**\- "Benevolence Riots" by Gang Of Youths**

**vi. I Could Throw Hands**

“Saddle up, cowboy.”

Darcy placed the hat on Steve’s head twenty minutes into her visit, standing by him as he sat on the couch. It was the mid-afternoon and he’d asked her to come by early so he could work without feeling guilty, since Riley would have someone to play with.

Jane frowned when Darcy told her she swapped her shift around a few days before so she’d leave the store after doing an opening shift instead of her usual closing shift with Peter.

“He’s paying you to hang out while he’s there?” Jane said, tilting her head with her nose scrunched. “Why?”

She was in the middle of peeling the skin off of an apple, a pile of skins on her desk beside her. Darcy knew she’d changed up her thesis topic again – it was happening every 72 hours or so those days – and Jane had another all-nighter of doing random things that wouldn’t make sense to people that didn’t know her, but Darcy knew the peeling had something to do with her thought process. She was focused on trying to skin each apple in one continuous line, like a conveyor belt of shiny, green leather in her lap as she sat cross-legged on her bed.

“Riley likes me,” Darcy said, giving a little shrug.

“You think he likes you?” Jane asked.

“No,” Darcy said instantly.

She had tried to forget the drunk version of Steve she got to see the other night, sleepy and adorable and touching her, calling her a pet name that made her weak. She didn’t let her imagination wander. She knew he was happy she got along with his kid, and Riley did like her – there was no denying that. She liked to cling to Darcy like a limpet whenever she saw her at the store now, and Steve still came by every day, whether his daughter was with him or not.

“You’re not lying because you don’t want me to talk about Steve with you?” Jane asked, eyes averting to the apple she was skinning, her eyes narrowing.

“No,” Darcy said. “I think he sees me as a kid slightly older than his own kid.”

“He watches you every time he comes in, even when you’re not at the front counter,” Jane said, when Darcy was moving to leave her roommate alone.

Darcy stopped mid-step, glancing at Jane. She didn’t think Jane would notice that. Her autism made her focus on certain things, sometimes the more obvious things to Darcy went by without acknowledgement.

“How?”

“Yesterday, when you were putting the blueberries out, he kept watching you while I was serving him,” Jane muttered. “It’s sort of annoying, actually, because he took too long to get his cash out.”

Darcy remembered feeling tingly when she knew he was in the store, waving to her as he came in. She’d spent most of that shift feeling sweaty and gross because she decided to switch up their usual tasks and take over cutting up fruit in the backroom. Every so often Quill would come in and whistle along to the music Darcy was playing or to say something about the weather. At one point, wiping her forehead with her wrist and blowing a bit of hair out of her face, Darcy mentioned she felt gross. Her hands were aching from cutting up oranges. Quill chimed in:

“You don’t _look_ gross, New Girl.”

“Right, ‘cause that’s what matters,” Darcy whispered to herself, shaking her head as Quill was out of earshot once more.

Steve texting her that he wanted her over earlier made her tummy flip, and having Jane tell her that little bit of information pushed her further over the edge. She knew she had a crush, and she found herself hoping Steve would smile at her.

He didn’t disappoint, answering the door unlike the last time she babysat. Darcy had offered to make him lunch, which he politely declined, laptop open and a pen behind his ear. Riley snacked on carrot sticks and hummus as she told Darcy about her day, and then Riley broke out the costume box.

Darcy and Riley were racing through the apartment wearing matching cowboy hats, Riley screaming as Darcy laughed. She felt her face flush as she saw Steve was watching her as they ran through the living room, out of breath. To diffuse her self-consciousness, she put the hat on his head, smiling at him.

“Should I skip the meeting?” he murmured, and Darcy will her mind not to turn blank at the sound of his voice all low and rough like that, staring up at her with his long lashes and crooked smile.

Riley collided with Darcy, the moment between them gone as she peered up at Darcy, wrapping her arms around her middle.

“Can we go to the park? We can go on the swings!”

“If Daddy’s okay with that,” Darcy said, glancing at Steve, and she noticed his face had changed again, his brows quirking at Riley.

“Go get the sunscreen first.”

Riley dashed away and Steve drew in a breath, shifting his laptop to the seat beside him, standing up, taking off the hat.

“Ma’am,” he said, with a little nod, and Darcy smirked.

Riley returned, feet thundering, panting as she shoved the bottle toward Darcy. Steve shot her a look, ruffling her hair.

“Hey, be gentle. We need Darcy in one piece.”

“I’m okay,” Darcy murmured, stooping, uncapping the bottle. “You should probably get going.”

Steve checked his watch, hissing a curse under his breath, walking out. Darcy watched Riley’s frown deepen a little at Steve’s retreating back, and Darcy took hold of her chin, smiling at her.

“We’ll get ice cream.”

“ICE CREAM?!” Riley yelled, and Darcy heard Steve’s laugh somewhere beyond the living room and she felt her stomach flip.

Darcy put sun screen on them both, Steve crouching to kiss Riley on the forehead, telling her to be good before he stood back up, smiling at Darcy.

“Thank you, again, for this.”

“Would you please get out?” Darcy said, brows lifting.

She knew her mask was slipping and she found herself not caring, because Steve was an attractive guy and she didn’t think it was a crime for him to perhaps suspect she thought he was irresistible. There was no harm in it, she told herself, especially when Riley began to giggle, finding Darcy’s sass especially funny.

“Guess I’m going,” he said, and he gave Riley another kiss, turning his head toward Darcy.

Darcy went perfectly still as his hand slipped down her shoulder, squeezing her wrist between his thumb and forefinger before letting her go, picking up his laptop. When he left them alone, Darcy kept replaying the gesture in her head, the way his eyes had wandered down her as he did it…

Unless she was tricking herself, seeing what she wanted to see. She was reading too much into something, he was joking. _She_ had been joking.

-

She packed Riley’s backpack and they set out, the sun beaming down on them as they made their way to the park a block over from Steve’s apartment. Elsa came along with them, and Darcy kept glancing at the poor doll, thinking she needed to do something about the state it was in. Riley didn’t seem to mind how knotted the doll’s hair was, but Darcy knew it couldn’t be hygienic anymore.

When they reached the park, Riley insisted on the swings first. Darcy had to explain she couldn’t fit in one of them but she’d be happy to push Riley.

“You’re not too fat,” Riley said, a little confused.

Darcy shook her head. “I’m – well, my hips, honey. Look how wide they are, and the seat’s about half the size. But your skinny little butt can fit, because they’re for skinny butts.”

Riley chortled at Darcy, as she took off the back pack for Darcy to hitch onto her shoulder, leaning down to push her when Riley was seated.

The swings ate up several minutes, until Darcy sensed other kids wanted a turn so she coaxed Riley away, handing her a water flask.

“Wanna go down the slide? I’ll watch you.”

Riley nodded, racing off, barging into a pair of twins in matching denim coveralls. Darcy rose a sheepish hand at their nanny, whose face set into a deep frown. Riley was oblivious, or chose not to care as she cut across other children to reach the top of the slide, waving at Darcy.

“Ready?” she yelled, and Darcy gave her a thumbs-up.

“That your kid?” someone asked, and Darcy’s head turned toward the voice, seeing a group of women seated at a picnic table, watching her.

There was a loud groan in the distance and Darcy’s eyes snapped back to Riley.

“Sorry, honey! I know I wasn’t watching. Go again!” she called. She looked back at the four women, all of them older than her.

“I’m sitting,” Darcy said, giving a little smile. She felt shy.

“Whenever she comes, our kids miss out,” one of the women said with traces of an Eastern European accent. “We don’t mean to sound rude –”

“I get that,” Darcy said, seeing Riley tear through the same twins on her way back to the top of the slide. “Uh, she’s an only child, she’s very confident.”

Darcy thought about whether that would stop with Riley. She hoped it didn’t, even if she was a little overbearing sometimes.

“I’m sorry,” she added, and she took a few steps closer to the playground to watch Riley properly as she flew down the slide with a squeal.

Riley raced toward her, tackling her and Darcy clung her back, kissing her hair.

“You want ice cream?” she whispered, her eyes shifting back behind them at the women watching.

She felt a wave of something she often felt for Jane, a righteousness she couldn’t tamper down. She wanted to protect her, coddle her, even. She didn’t care if she caused damage, Riley hadn’t done anything malicious.

She took her hand and they walked to the edge of the park, searching for the truck that was usually parked, joining the line.

“What are you gonna get?” Riley asked, and Darcy smacked her lips.

“Do they have… broccoli flavour?”

Riley scrunched her face. “No, silly! Ew! Brocolli?”

“What about mashed potato?” Darcy went on, and Riley shook her head. “Vanilla sorta looks like mashed potato…”

“I’m getting triple chocolate chip!” Riley declared, pointing at the sign on the front of the truck.

“What one does Daddy get?” Darcy asked, and Riley glanced around, shrugging a shoulder.

“He doesn’t have ice cream…”

“What? That’s silly of him,” Darcy murmured, swinging their hands as they took another step forward, the line moving.

She suspected Steve would rather treat Riley over and over instead of thinking of himself. He had the beer in the fridge, but Darcy hadn’t seen a lot of candy in the cupboards, or anything indulgent adult tastes responded to. Darcy thought of the smelly cheeses her mom liked to get, how she’d groan in appreciation when she peeled open a particularly welcome brie to have with fig jelly.

“I’ll get a triple chocolate, too,” she said. “Why not?”

“Why not!” Riley yelled. “Why not, why not, why not…”

Darcy couldn’t help laughing. When they reached the front of the line, she paid for two cones and they wandered over to a patch of grass under a tree, their backs against the trunk as they licked and watched the clouds and birds in the sky.

“Yummy?” Darcy murmured, and Riley grinned, ice cream smeared on her mouth.

Darcy licked, eyes scanning the park, seeing the group of women from earlier in the distance, thinking of their judgemental eyes trained on Riley.

“Ow.”

“Hhmm, honey? You okay -?”

Riley gave a scream that could cut glass and Darcy whipped her head toward her, scanning her body, her eyes falling to Riley’s little hand turned palm-up, her cone on the grass, forgotten.

“What happened?”

“A BEE! A BEE!”

Darcy saw the culprit, dead and sting-less on the ground. How Riley managed to do that so fast in the half a minute Darcy spent with her eyes elsewhere, she didn’t know, but she could see the stinger impaled in Riley’s skin.

“Okay, okay,” Darcy whispered, springing into action. “Oh, God…”

Riley was sobbing, screaming as Darcy tried to calm her, her hands fumbling as she let her own ice cream fall to the ground. She stood up, scooping Riley into her arms with a groan, remembering she was a lot heavier than a baby or toddler.

“It’s okay, let’s go. We’ll go wash up –”

Darcy could see people were staring at them because Riley wouldn’t stop screaming and she was flailing around. Darcy wanted to swear long and loud but knew it wasn’t the time, no matter how tempting it was. She couldn’t remember where the bathroom was and she asked a passing couple that took their headphones off, looking alarmed at Riley.

Darcy wanted to curl up into a ball when they said there was only a little cubicle on the other side of the park. Darcy set Riley down again and took hold of her wrist, plucking the stinger out and blowing on it.

“Riley, you’re okay, honey… I’m sorry. I’ll wash your hand and we’ll go home…”

Riley was still sobbing, less screaming involved, but she was deeply distressed.

“I want Daddy!”

“I know, I know,” Darcy whispered. “I want him, too, but he had to go to work…”

She undid the water flask and washed Riley’s hand, Riley snivelling as Darcy did the best job she could do, before she kneeled down.

“Piggy-back, honey. Come on.”

Riley sobbed all the way home, and Darcy could feel she was sweaty and red all over, from either embarrassment or exertion, she wasn’t sure which. She set Riley on her feet when they reached the apartment building and they took longer than usual to walk back up the stairs.

Darcy took her into the bathroom and washed her hand under cold water, stroking Riley’s hair, listening to her plead over and over for Steve, knowing he was hours away.

**_Riley was stung by a bee. I’m sorry, it’s my fault._ **

She’d deserve it if Steve decided to drop her as a sitter. Maybe he’d avoid the store and people would know Darcy was terrible at everything, including making sure a five year-old stayed safe. She felt her guts twisting once she sent off the text.

“Let’s get some ice,” she whispered, remembering one summer as a little girl when she swatted at what she thought was a fly at a lake upstate.

They went to the freezer, Riley drooping as she offered her hand to Darcy, a cube wrapped in paper towel pressed into her reddened skin. She didn’t seem to be allergic, and Darcy remembered what Steve said, that Riley didn’t have allergies.

“We’ll keep that there,” Darcy whispered. “Do you want to watch _Frozen_?”

“I want Daddy,” Riley said, voice thinning. Her chin wobbled. “Please?”

“I’m sorry, honey –”

“I want Daddy!”

Riley hit her face, with not as much precision as a slap, but the intent was clear. Darcy clutched her face, freezing as Riley glared up at her.

“I want my daddy!”

Riley found her feet, taking off, and Darcy stared after her, her heart racing.

“Riley!”

She took out her phone, putting it to her ear as she tried to call Steve with no success, going straight to his Voicemail. She didn’t leave a message, snatching the list of emergency numbers from the fridge Steve left her since last time.

Sam picked up after a few rings.

“Hello?”

“Hi, you don’t know me,” Darcy babbled, walking out of the kitchen and through the hallway, looking around for Riley. “I’m sitting for Steve and he left your number in case of emergencies.”

“Is Riley okay?” Sam said, voice changing from light to concerned. “It’s Darcy, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s – she’s okay, she just wants Steve and she won’t let me calm her down, we went to the park and after we got ice cream she got stung by a bee…”

Darcy felt so stupid, crouching to check for Riley under the coffee table. She stood up again, racing through to Riley’s bedroom, not seeing her there either, as Sam began to speak.

“It’s okay, she sometimes has a bad temper, but she’ll apologize just as fast –”

“Riley!” Darcy called, putting her hand over the phone to muffle her voice.

“Can’t find her?” Sam said, as if he could see what she was doing. Darcy went still, swallowing.

“I –”

“Check Steve’s closet.”

Darcy obeyed, running through to Steve’s bedroom, dropping to her knees, the phone on the floor as she pulled the closet door wide, seeing Riley sitting as she hugged her knees.

Darcy brought her into a hug, Riley’s hands around her neck, sniffling.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“It’s okay,” Darcy said, rubbing her little back in what she hoped were soothing circles.

She didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but she remembered her phone, twisting around to grab it, still holding Riley against her as she glanced down at it, putting it back to her ear.

“I’m sorry,” she said to Sam. “Thank you.”

“Want me to come over?”

-

A part of her considered it a bad choice to ask for Sam’s help, but he’d already been a lifesaver by telling her Riley’s hiding place, so she figured it was better to let him in when he came by ten minutes later.

He was local and knew Steve from a veteran’s group, and he had been one of Bucky’s groomsmen at his wedding, from what Darcy remembered from photos she’d seen in Steve’s living room. She watched as Riley gave Sam a little wave, subdued by all the drama of the afternoon.

“Not happy, huh?” he said, and Riley deflated more, flopping back onto the floor as he and Darcy remained standing, _Frozen_ playing in the background.

It was still another half an hour or so until Steve was meant to be home, and Darcy needed to get dinner fixed for Riley. She bit her lip, eyes meeting Sam’s.

“I’ll stay, go,” he said, and she nodded, grateful.

She went into the kitchen, preparing the casserole she’d planned before. Steve offered her takeout money but she told herself she could cook for him as well, it wouldn’t hurt. She wanted a home cooked meal for Riley, to dissipate Steve’s inevitable guilt. She was finishing up as Sam called out:

“Hey, man!”

“DADDY!”

Darcy felt her stomach twist, occupying her hands with the washing up in the sink, the casserole in the oven, keeping her head down as she listened out. She could hear Riley being comforted, lots of kisses and comforting murmurs. She tensed, hearing Sam mention her by name.

“Darcy. She’s – she’s cute, man.”

Darcy went still, ears straining. Then it was Steve, soft but undeniable:

“She’s gorgeous.”

Darcy scrubbed a spoon twice over, fumbling it as she heard footsteps behind her on the linoleum, swallowing as she sensed Steve.

“Hey…”

“Hey,” she said, trying to keep her voice light, spinning around, suds flicking onto his shirt. “Sorry.”

“You cooked dinner?”

He was staring at the oven for a couple seconds before his eyes set on her and Darcy wondered if maybe she’d overstepped. She tugged off her rubber gloves.

“Uh, yeah…”

_She’s gorgeous. She’s gorgeousshe’sgorgeousshe’sgorgeous –_

“I fucked up,” she blurted, and he blinked at her, brows knitting. “I-I’m sorry, I should have watched her.”

“Darce –”

“I understand if you think I’m not a good fit anymore, I’m sorry. Don’t worry about avoiding the store, I won’t be an asshole about it, I get it –”

He took hold of her shoulders and she stopped mid-babble, pressing her lips together.

“Do you know how many times I’ve felt like I’ve damaged her beyond repair?” he said, and Darcy didn’t know what her answer should be, staring back at him.

“Steve…”

“You didn’t fuck up, she got stung by a bee and I still want you,” he said, and Darcy felt her cheeks heat. “She loves you, you’re good for her.”

Darcy made herself nod, no longer wanting to argue.

His eyes slipped down to her mouth, then back up to her eyes, his words a little softer and careful.

“You’re good for both of us.”

“Okay,” Darcy whispered, and he nodded back at her.

He squeezed her shoulders, stepping back as Riley appeared, walking over to nearly knock Darcy over with another tight hug.

“Daddy,” she said, tugging Steve’s arm, pushing it into Darcy’s back. “Give Darcy a hug, too…”

Darcy knew a five year-old wouldn’t know a babysitter wasn’t usually like this with the parents of the kid, hugging them when they’d had a hard day, but she didn’t want to refuse and make it weird. Steve smiled, his arm wrapping around Darcy’s waist.

It felt right. It was undeniable. The three of them together, Darcy’s arm looped around Steve’s massive shoulders, standing on tip-toe as he cuddled her, Riley’s hand resting on her hip, Steve’s other hand in Riley’s hair.

They broke apart and Steve cleared his throat, gazing down at Riley.

“You wanna help set the table?”

“Yeah!”

She dashed over to the cutlery drawer and Darcy got back to the dishes, finishing them as Steve, Sam and Riley flowed in and out of the kitchen. She felt a hand on the small of her back and knew it was Steve again before he murmured in her ear.

“You want a beer?”

She nodded. She was too happy. She was too happy being there with him, with his family. She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want him to pay her, either.

They sat at the table, Darcy between Sam and Riley, sitting opposite Steve. She kept stealing glances his way, feeling watched, feeling that warmth bloom in her chest and stomach. She sipped beer and kept quieter than Sam or Riley, happier to listen than try to steer attention away.

“How’s the store, Darcy?” Sam asked, and Darcy was pulled away from Steve, blinking at him.

Sam was smirking and exchanged a glance with Steve.

“I’ve never been, but I’ve been hearing so much about it lately.”

Steve got up from his chair, taking Darcy’s empty bottle with his own, and Darcy watched him leave, leaning on her elbow.

“It’s good. What do you do?”

“I help out with veteran’s affairs,” he said. He crossed his arms, shooting Riley a glance. “I’ve known Trouble all her life.”

Riley gave a little giggle, playing with a piece of chicken she had on her plate. Sam’s face slackened a little, his voice dropping.

“Did Steve tell you much about that?”

“Before Riley was born?” Darcy murmured.

Riley was busying with Elsa, walking her across her side of the table, and Darcy felt unsure of what to ask. It wasn’t her place to know something that Steve didn’t offer. Darcy kept her eyes on the doorway to the kitchen, shifting in her seat.

“Jennifer,” Sam murmured.

Steve’s ex was named Jennifer. The ex he hadn’t seen in two years. Darcy changed the subject, wanting to avoid popping her little bubble.

“I think it’s bathtime,” she said, standing up to take the dishes and pile them together.

Steve returned, two beers in his hands, eyes falling to Darcy’s full arms.

“Don’t do that,” he said, and Darcy moved past him just the same, walking into the kitchen to put them in the dishwasher, Steve helping her.

Sam walked in, offering a hand to Steve.

“I’ll jet. Thanks for dinner,” he said, smacking Steve’s arm. He turned to Darcy, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Nice meeting you, Darcy.”

“Yeah, you, too,” she said.

Steve walked him out and Darcy stayed behind, feeling unsettled. She bit her lip, listening out to Riley bidding Sam farewell, the front door shutting. She checked her phone’s clock for the time. It wasn’t that late, but she could feel she was beginning to fade, the stress of the afternoon taking so much out of her.

She sensed Steve return to her.

“I left your beer in front of the TV.”

“Yeah,” Darcy replied, not looking up from her phone.

She was aware of him leaving, hearing him begin to run a bath for Riley. Darcy walked into the living room, changing the channel to TCM again, seeing _The Misfits_ playing. Clark Gable was staring deep in Marilyn’s eyes with the desert behind them.

Darcy walked into the hallway, stopping abruptly in the doorway of Riley’s bedroom.

Steve was sitting on the edge of Riley’s bed, taking off her shoes. His daughter had passed out, Elsa in her arms on top of her blankets.

“I asked her to go get her pyjamas ready, and then I found her like this,” Steve whispered.

Darcy smiled. She turned away, walking back to the bathroom and shutting off the faucet, standing back up and looking at herself in the mirror.

_She’s gorgeous._

Steve settled beside her on the couch, tapping his beer bottle to hers.

“To bee stings,” he said.

Darcy stared at him and his eyes twinkled with mirth in the low light, Gable filling the silence as Darcy shook her head at Steve.

“Too soon?”

“She was screaming,” Darcy whispered. “She sounded like she’d been stabbed.”

Steve gave a little sigh, tipping his bottle back for a sip of beer. They lapsed into silence, watching the movie play on, but Darcy knew they weren’t taking it all in.

Darcy felt something shift, wanting to know more. She wanted to know what he was thinking, his eyes falling to her hand that rested between them.

“Sam mentioned –”

His eyes snapped to hers.

“- he’s known Riley her whole life.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, with a little smile. “He helped me find this apartment. Helped me move in, too. He’s good. He’s a good man.”

Darcy allowed the pause, hoping Steve would say more, but he went quiet, rubbing his eyes. Darcy drew in a little breath.

“There were these ladies at the park. I thought I might have to throw hands.”

“Throw hands?” Steve repeated, and Darcy nodded. “I’d pay to see that.”

Darcy felt her lips quirk. “They said something about Riley pushing kids around whenever she was there.”

Steve’s eyes rolled but he was smiling. “Sounds familiar. I think Bucky’s encountered them before when he and Nat take Riley there. They’re nannies.”

“Like I said, I could throw hands,” Darcy said.

“I don’t doubt that,” Steve said.

Another pause, but they were staring at one another. Darcy wondered what he saw, if he could read what she was feeling, the sense of belonging.

“You haven’t damaged her,” Darcy whispered, when Steve’s smile had completely faded. “You… must know that you’re doing your best. I’m talking from experience.”

“What do you mean?” he murmured.

“My dad – he,” Darcy ducked her gaze, to Steve’s fingers so close to hers. “He never knew how to try, so he didn’t. I think I confused and overwhelmed him. I was close with my mom.”

“You lost your mom?” Steve said, and Darcy nodded, swallowing.

Her eyes stung and she blinked rapidly.

“Sorry. Jesus.”

“It’s okay,” Steve whispered. “I lost mine.”

Darcy felt her throat tighten and she willed herself to keep a hold on everything, sucking in a breath. Her eyes met Steve’s again.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

She thought about ruining everything, lifting up to tug him by his shirt and kiss him. She pictured it now, wondering if he’d be gentle in his rejection. He probably would be, to try to spare her feelings. She sniffed, licking her lips.

“I’m sorry, too,” she mumbled. “When did you -?”

“Long time ago,” he said. “I lived with Bucky’s family for a while before I graduated high school.”

 _“Jesus,”_ Darcy said again, a little louder.

He rubbed his nose with a finger.

“My dad died before I was born, and I don’t have any other family. So I know what it can do to a kid, being alone.”

Marilyn was crying, a fitting image for what Darcy was feeling. She drew in another fortifying breath.

“My mom had cancer. Mother’s Day is always hard,” she murmured. “Figured it would get easier, but… it doesn’t. I guess I just get better at avoiding it as best I can.”

A little tweak of Steve’s lips, the ghost of a knowing smile.

“I think Riley knows her mom not being around is unusual,” he murmured. “At preschool they had a Mother’s Day breakfast last month and she didn’t go.”

Darcy didn’t dare say a word in case it meant Steve retreating again, but she didn’t want him spilling too much and feeling worse.

“I dunno,” Steve murmured, his face slackening. He sounded tired.

Darcy couldn’t take it anymore, seeing him settle into an old, familiar sadness.

“Steve, what happened?” she whispered.

He kept staring ahead, and she thought maybe he’d decided to ignore her question, the one she’d wanted to ask him for weeks. She felt her guts twist and she sat forward a little.

“I’m sorry –”

Steve cut in. “Riley’s mom left us when Riley was six months-old. She packed up her things and left her at home. Alone.”

Darcy snapped her mouth shut, staring at him.

“I was working. I came home, Riley was screaming. Neighbors were yelling at me, the landlord found out what happened and threatened to report us to child services. Jen left. She just… left.”

“I’m sorry,” Darcy said, but she wished she hadn’t said a word by how Steve squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head.

“I didn’t see the signs. She wasn’t happy. She never warmed to it.”

“Being a mom?” Darcy whispered.

Steve didn’t look at her, shaking his head. “No. Being with me.”

He said it on exhale, and Darcy refused to believe it. It couldn’t be as simple as that, because it made more sense to her if his ex had took baby Riley with her, but she hadn’t. She’d left a whole life behind that she and Steve had made together.

“Steve,” Darcy moved toward him, though a voice in her head was screaming at her not to dare touch him.

She caught him in a tight hug, wrapping her arms around his neck, his face fitting into her clavicle, arms furling around her as Darcy stayed kneeling next to him, her chin resting on his head.

When they broke apart eventually, she couldn’t look him in the eye, she had to build a wall back up, picking up her beer and draining it with several gulps, feeling watched. Her heart was tugging, a lump forming in her throat.

“I’ll get you a cab,” Steve said, and she nodded, not wanting to argue over his generosity for once.

He walked her down instead of saying goodbye at the door, and Darcy didn’t know how to come back from any of this, the day she’d had.

She kept staring at her feet, Steve’s hand out to hail someone down. It took a couple tries and he turned to her when the taxi pulled up, opening the door. It occurred to her that he was waiting for her to speak, to let him off the hook for the conversation they just had, the heaviness still lingering.

Darcy could feel she was being pressed down, like a weight was on her shoulders. She swallowed, moving toward him again.

“I’ll see you at the store,” she whispered.

Before he could say anything, she took his hand, squeezing it.

“Okay?”

 _Please don’t run away from me_ , she pleaded, her eyes glued to his. He nodded.

“Okay.”

She nodded back, ducking into the cab. She’d begun to shake. She was staring up at him as he shut the door, waving to her. She could just make out what he was saying behind the glass.

“Bye, sweetheart.”

The taxi pulled away, taking off into the night. Darcy felt her resolve disintegrate, stammering out the address to the driver who was mercifully distracted by the radio that blared from the front seat.

Darcy couldn’t hear the music, she only could put her face in her hands and weep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	7. vii. You're Welcome

_All I do is pretend to be ok so my friends_   
_Can't see my heart in the blender_   
**\- "Blood in the Cut" by k.flay**

**vii. You're Welcome**

Darcy was sweeping the store at the end of the night, Jane standing by at the till as Quill packed away the spinach leaves and fresh herbs in the cool room.

Work was a good distraction, because she hadn’t heard from Steve in a week and she was certain her was avoiding her.

Quill rubbed an apple on his thigh and then took a big bite of it, chewing loudly as Jane bristled, irritated. She glanced up from the wad of cash in her hand, brow raised.

“You give your boytoy that look, Foster?” Quill quipped, and she went deadpan again, sighing. “Wonder if that gets his motor running.”

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t had sex with him yet.”

Darcy snorted. She knew Jane was aware of how embarrassing for others the topic could be, it wasn’t her autism skewing what was appropriate or not to talk about with Quill. She simply didn’t care what the guy thought of her, which seemed to only embolden Quill.

“It might work on me,” he retorted, and Jane didn’t pause her counting.

“You’d be lucky to have me.”

“You’re not wrong, Foster,” he said, nudging her with his elbow, mouth full. “You’ve been wearing the hell out of your apron lately.”

Jane ignored him, writing down a number in the bank book. She picked up the stack of singles and counted faster than Darcy knew she could, Quill still watching her.

“What’s wrong with the guy, anyway?”

“Nothing,” Jane said. “He’s perfect.”

Darcy didn’t know how true that was, she was yet to meet the guy herself. He was certainly handsome and hadn’t rejected Jane for who she was. It was a pitifully low bar, but Darcy knew Jane had higher standard than hers.

“Show me his picture again,” Quill said, and Jane wordlessly handed him her phone without pausing her counting.

It took Quill a couple seconds to find a picture and he tutted once, frowning.

“Dude, whatever. I’m sure he’s dumb as hell.”

“And you’re not?” Jane said.

Quill handed the phone back. “Alright. New Girl, what about you? You doing anything tonight?”

Darcy didn’t think he was that serious. She stopped, glancing up from the floor, shrugging. This time last week she was babysitting for Steve. She’d thought she’d adopted a new routine.

“If you’re seeing Steve, don’t tell me,” he added, and Darcy put on a little smile, shaking her head.

“I’m not seeing him,” she murmured.

She didn’t like thinking about him anymore. It hurt a little too much, thinking about how right it felt to be with him and Riley in his apartment where everything was warm in a way that wasn’t stifling. She noticed Jane went silent and she glanced her way, seeing her staring at her like Quill was.

“It doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Dude’s got a kid, not all chicks dig that,” Quill said, moving away from Jane with his apple core, tossing it in the trash.

“That’s not a problem for me,” Darcy said. “Riley’s great. I mean, I wouldn’t be her sitter if I didn’t get along with her. Steve’s –”

Jane cut in as Quill went back to stack the avocados in boxes to put them in the cool room.

“His wife leaving Riley behind doesn’t make any sense. She’s her mom.”

“ _You_ don’t want kids,” Darcy retorted, feeling defensive for some unknown reason. She walked over to the counter, leaning over to pick up the dustpan and brush to clean up the pile of crud she’d accumulated.

She crouched, sweeping as Jane went on.

“Is that why she left?” Jane said, and Darcy stood up again, squaring her shoulders.

“I dunno. It doesn’t feel right to talk about it –”

“Don’t worry about me, I don’t give a shit,” Quill said, walking past Darcy with his arms full.

Darcy didn’t care about him overhearing anything. She didn’t want Jane passing judgement without a filter. She put her hands on her hips.

“Maybe she had post-natal depression or something like that,” Darcy said.

Jane blinked. “So she left a crying baby at home? And I thought Steve told you he hadn’t seen her in two years. Riley’s five.”

“Maybe she came back!” Darcy snapped. “Could we drop it? I don’t want to think about him.”

Darcy put her head down, moving behind the counter again. She had been pushing aside her hostility all day, because this wasn’t the first time Jane had tried to talk this through. Darcy had come home from Steve’s with pink, puffy eyes from crying in the cab and she’d told Jane everything. Since then, she’d regretted it, because she knew Jane wouldn’t let it go.

Darcy knew it was a little hypocritical of her, since if the roles were reversed she’d never let Jane push her away when she was trying to help her. Darcy made it her duty to take care of her, whether Jane appreciated it or not.

“Why don’t you ask Jay about it? He’s come here since before Jay bought the joint,” Quill said, returning with his hands empty.

Darcy shot him a look and he frowned.

“What? What did I do?”

“I’m not gonna ask him about Steve’s ex.”

“Right, so you’re just going to pine over the guy until you give yourself an aneurysm,” Quill said, brows lifting. “Or, we could –”

“She’s not interested,” Jane interrupted. She went back to counting, eyes averted.

Quill didn’t seem offended, shrugging. They worked in silence, and on the way home and between she and Jane no more words were exchanged.

Darcy shut her bedroom door and lay on her back, phone in front of her face as she scrolled through Instagram for the umpteenth time, not taking anything in.

Friday night and she was doing absolutely nothing. Usually that was heaven to her, she’d dedicate a whole night to bingeing junk food and TV, Jane joining her as they went well into the next morning. It was something she liked about Jane, that she didn’t have to explain why she was doing something that would seem irresponsible or dumb to other people that gave themselves a proper bedtime.

She sighed, trying to remember if they had anything alcoholic, sitting up on her bed. She heard a knock on her door, which was unusual for Jane.

“Hey. So,” she said, eyes on Darcy’s hands instead of her face. “Thor asked if I wanted to come out tonight and I said yes.”

“Okay,” Darcy said.

This was good. She’d be distracted by being a supportive friend.

“Do you want me to curl your hair?” she asked, and Jane nodded.

“Also, can you come, too?”

“What?” Darcy said, and Jane swallowed hard.

“I think he wants to go dancing and I said yes because – because I guess the toyboy comment made me a little ticked off with Quill –”

“Whatever, that guy’s best friend is probably an old gym sock,” Darcy said, and Jane frowned at her. “It’s a little mean, but –”

“You meant he has sex with the sock?”

“Probably,” Darcy said, smirking like Jane was. “But, probably too mean. Quill’s just a goober.”

There was a pause and Darcy glanced over at her pile of laundry she didn’t fold properly that sat on the foot of her bed, rumpled and sad.

“You don’t have to go dancing.”

“I said we’d meet at a bar,” Jane said, and Darcy’s brows rose. “You don’t have to come.”

Darcy rose from her bed. “Can we at least do one shot before we go?”

-

Thor was taller than Darcy expected, towering over them in a gentle giant sort of way. She didn’t know what he did professionally but she could see he was as tall as the bouncer that let them into the club he’d mentioned. He spoke with an English accent, everything an effortless fanciness.

“He sounds like Henry Cavill,” Darcy yelled into Jane’s ear when Thor left them alone to buy them drinks. “I’m trying to think of a way to convey how much trouble he’d be in if he hurts you.”

Jane seemed outwardly blank-faced but she squeezed Darcy’s hand, shaking her head.

“He’s the real deal, Darcy,” she yelled back. It wasn’t her usual phrase, which meant she’d given it a lot of thought and tried to decipher it before giving it a proper name.

Darcy could feel the bass of the speakers in her sternum as they waited in a little booth. The music sounded all the same, but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Darcy never got used to the idea of having this as some kind of weekend routine. Getting dressed up could be fun. She liked putting on makeup with Jane in the bathroom together. They used the same body glitter on each other, one that smelled of coconuts and promised skin like J.Lo’s under club lights.

She was meant to be in the prime of her life, Darcy thought, glancing around the sea of people. She didn’t resent them, she just didn’t know if she belonged among them.

She’d felt that way before her mother died, and before she kept quitting jobs that made her feel empty inside. She tried to not slump too much as Thor returned, smiling down at them both with the drinks he’d managed to not spill on his journey back.

“How are you, Darcy? Happy it’s Friday?” he asked, and Darcy gave a little smile.

He made it difficult to be grumpy around him.

“She doesn’t want to be here,” Jane said, and Darcy watched Thor give a hearty chuckle.

“Where would you rather be?”

She knew where – Steve’s place, eating dinner at his table with Riley between them. She shrugged, sipping the vodka soda he passed her.

“Somewhere I could put Netflix on,” she yelled, leaning closer to him.

She was definitely the third wheel but Thor didn’t make her feel unwelcome, including her in the conversation as they drank. Darcy felt the steady thrum of the liquor circulating, her mood lifting a little. She knew she’d inevitably crash but at least Jane seemed happy, which mattered the most to her.

Jane slipped away to the bathroom and usually Darcy would join her, but she wanted the moment alone with Thor, and he seemed to have something on his mind as well by the way his face changed as Darcy rounded on him.

“I need to be the over-protective den mother for two seconds, okay?” Darcy yelled, and he nodded, his smile fading a little. “Do you like Jane?”

“Very much. I was hoping you’d tell me she felt the same way,” he said, and Darcy could see he was serious. “I’ve never met anyone like her before.”

“You never will again,” Darcy said, and he flashed a smile, nodding.

“Well, I’m glad,” he said. “I’ll have to hold onto her. If she lets me.”

Darcy nodded, looking down at her drink, fiddling with her straw.

“She does,” she said, and he smiled again. “Like you, I mean.”

They lapsed into another silence and Darcy drained the rest of her drink, licking her lips, tasting the remnants of lime juice.

“Would you like another?”

“I think I should stop for now,” Darcy said, shaking her head.

She was tempted to go further, make a dent in her own wallet because she didn’t mind paying for her own drinks, but she also knew being hungover wasn’t worth it. She felt tired, and not because it was getting later into the night.

Something had felt off for years about her place in the world and she’d run from the feeling for a long time, hoping if she was distracted for long enough she’d find her groove and feel better.

What if she always felt like this?

“Is something wrong?” Thor asked, his hand on Darcy’s shoulder, and she glanced up at him.

“Sorry, I – I’m a space cadet,” she said, laughing a little to cover herself.

Jane returned, taking her drink back from Darcy to sip, smacking her lips.

“You staying much longer?” she asked Darcy, who realized then Jane didn’t need her any longer. “I thought we might leave.”

She and Thor exchanged a glance Darcy wished she didn’t see, there was some heat to it, an undeniable flirty spark between them. Darcy was happy for them, she supposed, but it made her feel lonelier than she wished.

“I’ll go home, I think it’s Wet Blanket Hour,” she said, putting her empty glass aside.

Thor and Jane walked her downstairs to hail a cab and Darcy was thankful they didn’t shove her into the dark street alone. The line into the club was rowdy and Jane gave it a quick glance, unamused.

“We’ll go back to Thor’s,” she said, and Darcy nodded.

She didn’t want to hear about the sex they were about to have. She knew tomorrow she’d get an earful about it regardless, Jane’s boundaries shifting too much when she got excited. She had no doubt in her mind they have a ton of fun together…

“See you,” Darcy said, raising a hand to wave at them both.

To her surprise, Thor came forward and hugged her tight, pushing the breath out of her lungs. Darcy patted his back, appreciating it. He was a good hugger.

“Lovely to meet you,” he murmured, looking down at her.

“You, too,” she said.

She ducked into her cab and waved goodbye.

-

She went to bed relatively early for a Friday night.

She was awoken by her phone buzzing while she still had it still charging on her bedside table and she squinted in the dark, groaning as she fumbled for it blindly, her glasses knocking into a water glass.

She unlocked it, not recognizing the number.

“Darcy? It’s Peter.”

She ground the heel of her palm into her eye, wondering why this kid was calling her this early on a Saturday, and then she remembered he was the one to do the early weekend shifts. He did afternoons after school and then half a day on Saturdays and Sundays.

“Hey, buddy. What’s up?” she mumbled, and then yawned. “You okay?”

“Could you work today? Jay’s sick. I already asked Jane but she can’t –”

He sounded apologetic and Darcy cut in.

“I know, she’s tutoring,” she said, throwing her blanket off her legs and glancing around for some pants. “What time is it?”

“Seven. If you can’t –”

“I can, gimme half an hour,” she said. “And I get to pick the music.”

“Okay, I’ll see you soon. Thank you, Darcy…”

Darcy hung up before he laid on too much praise, it was too early for that. Despite her early night she was sure she hadn’t had enough sleep and she felt grumpy still from how the shift had ended last night. She tugged a shirt over her head, rubbing her eyes some more as she yawned extravagantly.

She knew she looked rough when she rolled into the store, makeup couldn’t cover how much of a zombie she felt like, but no-one there seemed too occupied with appearances as they rapidly stocked shelves and cut fruit before they opened the doors.

Quill passed Darcy a gallon of Starbucks wordlessly and she rose her eyebrows at him, stunned by his generosity.

“Thank you –”

“Shut up,” he said, waving her off, retreating to the back room to prepare the Saturday morning deliveries.

Peter and Darcy were working in the front of the store while Carol, Maria and Quill were out back. Saturdays tended to be the busiest day at the store, so Darcy never had a chance to think much about the bad feelings she had last night as she ran around, serving, stacking and juicing.

When they finally had a lull after 9AM, Darcy turned to Peter, who was hopping up and down like he was a boxer in a ring waiting for a punch thrown his way, his eyes darting to look through the store windows.

“Get up to much last night, Parker?” Darcy asked, and he glanced her way, blinking as if he’d only noticed her then.

“Oh. Uh – I watched this old movie –”

“Oh, brother, what was it?”

“ _Gladiator_ , have you seen it?” he asked, and Darcy stared at him for several seconds, letting his question hang in the air, Quill wandering in and whistling along to the song that was playing.

“Have I seen Ridley Scott’s 2000 period drama action film _Gladiator_ starring Russell Crowe?” Darcy said, folding her arms, hearing Quill begin to laugh as he set down a box of lemons in front of a shelf.

“Yeah, that one,” Peter said, smiling.

Darcy walked over to the lemons and started to help stack the fruit with Quill, glancing his way.

“These Zoomers, I can’t stand ’em,” Quill muttered, feigning a forlorn shake of the head. “Don’t know anything about anything, huh, New Girl? No offense.”

“How old do you think I am?” Darcy retorted, scrunching her nose.

“There is… a wrong answer to that, right?” Quill said, tilting his head.

Maybe she should go on a date with him, not that she felt much beyond a strange curiosity. He was funny, goofy, and terrible at making a good impression. She’d dated guys like him before and they were usually harmless, but things tended to cool off pretty quickly. If not a date, she could at least let him harass her outside of work, get a drink after a shift sometime, making sure he knew it wasn’t anything beyond a friendly hang out.

“Yeah,” she said eventually. “I’m twenty-five in a couple weeks.”

It was closer to ten days. She knew it probably had something to do with what she was feeling. Every birthday she’d take too close of a look at herself and always be a little upset by what she saw. She knew a lot of milestones were meaningless, but she knew she wasn’t happy last year with how far she hadn’t got since her last birthday. She didn’t know how different this year would be.

“No shit,” Quill said, grinning. “You look great for your age.”

“Thanks, I guess,” she muttered.

The store picked up again and Darcy was making juices one after the other, the sweat on the back of her neck making her shirt stick, her apron too thick. She kept at it, drinking from her water flask every few minutes, Peter a model worker and chatting to everyone that came through.

Darcy was ripped away from her little world of feedin the machine with pieces of fruit when she heard Riley’s voice break through the little crowd in the store.

“Hi, Darcy!”

Darcy turned her head toward her, feeling her stomach drop. She figured there was a possibility they’d come in today, and since she hadn’t told Steve she’d be in that morning, it was no wonder that he looked surprised to see her when she finally let her eyes swing his way.

“Hey, honey,” she said to Riley.

She didn’t want Riley to suspect anything was wrong. It wasn’t that she deserved Steve’s constant attention. He was busy working and looking after his kid. Darcy wasn’t entitled to anything, she only hoped he wasn’t going to ghost her forever.

“I want a red juice, please,” Riley said, approaching the counter.

Steve stood behind her with a hand on her little shoulder. With a gentle voice, he told Riley they needed to buy some other things first. Darcy didn’t look at him until she knew his eyes were on a shelf, and she could see he wasn’t smiling as much.

“Darcy,” Peter prodded, and she got back to the task of the oranges she was juicing for a blonde jogger who took the bottle she was handed like a baton before she dashed back into the street.

Steve and Riley took their time, and soon they were the only ones in the store and Peter ducked under to check if they needed to top up on any cut fruit.

“I’ll get some watermelon,” he said, and Darcy nodded. He turned to Steve, calling out, “Hey, Steve!"

“Hi, Queens,” Steve replied, and Darcy kept her eyes averted, busying herself with cleaning up some of the mess around the juicer.

Peter nudged Darcy in the ribs.

“You wanna change over to a song from this century?”

Darcy smirked at him, shoving him. “What’s wrong with Aretha?”

Quill came wandering in, whistling along as Darcy scrubbed in the sink. He was ducking under the counter to get one of their address books. He began to sing long and loud, ignoring Darcy’s widening eyes.

“Jesus Christ,” she said out loud, shaking her head, stepping back from the sink and wiping her hands on a towel.

He was not a singer but it didn’t deter him. It never had. He winked at her, singing louder, taking hold of her hand and making her dance. Darcy couldn’t help laughing, he was such a dork. Darcy obliged, turning on the spot as she clutched his fingers.

He tugged her close, their hips bumping as Darcy felt her cheeks heat.

“What are you doing after work, baby?” he said, and Darcy froze, aware of Steve at the register now.

“I’m –” Darcy began, and her eyes darted behind Quill, seeing Steve staring at them. Riley was too busy playing with Elsa to notice any of this mortifying moment.

Quill took hold of her chin between his thumb and forefinger.

“Think about it, alright?” he murmured, and Darcy didn’t dare nod, she only slipped out of his grip and approached the counter, Quill whistling again as he walked into the backroom.

She felt like her words were stuck in her throat as she tried to recover, taking a little bag of potatoes too weigh from Steve, keeping her eyes on the touchscreen.

“The juice, too,” he murmured, the first words Steve had said to her the entire time.

“Uh, yeah,” she stammered, finger slipping.

She put all the food through, adding on the juice. She turned away to gather the ingredients for the juice, not wanting to process his sale. She didn’t think she had the guts to argue with him over taking his change she tried to hand him, at least not yet.

Her mind was still reeling from what transpired. She’d never heard from Jane about Quill doing something like that to her. It’s not like Jane kept anything secret from her.

“He’s...”

Her head whipped toward Steve, realizing he’d begun to speak again.

“What about him?” she said, and Steve looked toward the backroom.

Steve seemed to stall, and Darcy didn’t let him off the hook, still feeding the machine with pieces of strawberry and watermelon as the song ended, an INXS tune starting up.

Peter announced his return with a groan.

“Another one of Aunt May’s favorites,” he said with a faux grumble, shoving fruit away.

“We listen to 80s music in this establishment,” Darcy said, and Peter snorted. “Michael Hutchence was a beautiful, beautiful man.”

Darcy rose a gloved finger, determined to not look Steve’s way. She was more thankful for Peter’s interruption than he’d probably ever know.

“Respect your elders.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Peter said. He jutted his thumb toward the speakers. “Didn’t he die?”

“Yes,” Steve and Darcy said together, unintentionally.

Peter put up his hands, backing out. “I’m gonna get more pineapple.”

Darcy finished up the juice in silence, pouring it into a bottle for Riley, turning toward the counter again, handing it over the edge for Riley to take.

“Thank you,” Riley said, unprompted, which was an improvement.

“Does Parker always make you feel about a hundred?” Steve said, their eyes meeting as he ruffled Riley's hair. “Since he’s always saying your music is old.”

“I’ve always liked older stuff,” Darcy said with a little shrug. “Nothing to be ashamed of, even if kids these days can’t tell The Beatles apart.”

Steve was packing his tote bags as they spoke, and she was thankful for the distraction. She didn’t know what to do when he finished, since she didn’t want him to leave but her cheeks were still pink from the moment between her and Quill he’d witnessed.

As if reading her mind, Steve glanced over her shoulder toward the backroom, lifting his chin a little.

“You gonna go out with him?” he asked.

She hadn’t expected him to be so direct. Darcy blinked.

“Probably not the best idea,” she said, voice lower to match his.

They weren’t saying what they meant. Darcy couldn’t shake that she felt like she wasn’t being altogether truthful. She bit her lip.

“He’s not your type?” Steve said, and Darcy frowned a little. “He too old?”

She made sure she didn’t chicken out and kept her eyes on his.

“I like older,” she said. “Older’s my type.”

She let her gaze fall to Riley and grinned at her.

“I missed you, honey. How’s your hand?”

“Better,” Riley said. She offered it to Darcy for her to inspect. “We went to the park yesterday.”

Steve checked his watch.

“We better get back because I’ve got a phone meeting in half an hour, honey,” Steve said, and Darcy moved back, letting go of Riley’s hand.

“Can Darcy come, too?” Riley asked, and Steve’s eyes met Darcy’s.

“Maybe after work,” Darcy said. “If Daddy wants –”

“You’re busy,” he said, and she felt the urge to tense up.

Something felt off and she frowned.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she murmured.

They departed and Darcy frowned after them, wondering if her mind was playing tricks again, but she hadn’t seen Steve like this before. When she was alone, she set off, almost colliding with Quill on his way through the doorway, a smile spreading across his face.

“Quill –”

“You’re welcome,” he said, and Darcy pushed him with her hand in the middle of his chest.

“What the fuck -?”

“I said,” he crouched a little, whispering in her ear. “ _You’re welcome_. Look outside.”

Darcy turned her head to the side, staring out the window, seeing Steve in the street, glancing back at the store as he and Riley held hands, waiting for the lights to change.

His head turned away and Darcy felt her stomach flip, knowing he’d been watching her through the glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate writing contrivances but at least we get to see a hint of Steve being a little jealous, mayhaps a little possessive of his girl, that he should DEFINITELY call back sometime?
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	8. viii. Where'd You Go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're not completely hopeless, I promise

_I can't get my head around it_  
_I keep feeling smaller and smaller_  
_I need my girl_  
**\- "I Need My Girl" by The National**

**viii. Where'd You Go?**

Darcy did her best to ignore her impending birthday. She filled the next week and a half with work and Jane, which turned out to be incredibly easy to do.

Jane changed her thesis topic to something to do with Einstein-Rosen bridges, which Darcy had to look up, since during her rants Jane hardly ever paused for a longer explanation. She had a habit of speaking to Darcy as if they were on the same page, only for Darcy to be confused. Darcy figured it had something to do with the obsessive apple peeling.

If she wasn’t talking about wormholes, Jane was talking about Thor. Darcy knew more about him than she ever intended to, but she knew Jane was happy. Thor made her happy, and that’s what mattered. She’d figure out how to tell her she didn’t know exactly how they had sex.

Darcy was relieved Jane didn’t talk about it at work. Since the incident with Quill, Darcy had appreciated him more. Though he was a certified doofus, he had good intentions.

Darcy got a text from Steve the day after he witnessed Quill’s flirting, asking if she was free to babysit the night before her birthday. Darcy told herself not to read into it too much, but of course she had been replaying everything on a constant loop in her mind’s eye ever since.

Darcy didn’t immediately reply, thumbs hovering over her keypad, wondering if it was better to say no. She’d missed him but she didn’t want a repeat of the last time she’d been at his apartment, all that longing to reach out and comfort him. She had missed Riley, though. She didn’t like the idea of having nothing to do that night while she counted down the hours until her birthday. That would be excruciating without the distraction of other people, no matter how much her heart squeezed in her chest when she saw Steve so sad and resigned.

She was trying more, she knew, when she picked out what she was going to wear. It was a dress she’d got a few years ago that would be racier on a taller girl, but because Darcy’s legs were short it wasn’t showing a few inches of her thighs. The fit of it, the way it hugged her waist and flared out at the hips made her think of romantic picnics she’d witness at the park, couples with baskets filled with food, cuddling each other on a blanket.

It occurred to her that Steve hadn’t seen her in a dress before when she walked up the stairs to his apartment two at a time, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. She knocked and Riley appeared, beaming up at her.

“Hi, honey,” she said, crouching to give her a tight hug.

“I missed you,” Riley said, tracing the tip of her nose with a finger.

“I missed you, too,” Darcy said back, kissing her face. She stood up, her hand in Riley’s. “Where’s Daddy?”

Riley pulled her along, down the hallway, Elsa in her other hand.

“He’s brushing his teeth.”

Darcy knew he was going somewhere with friends tonight, and a part of her was proud of him doing something fun instead of it being all work. This was something for him, not just Riley. Riley led her down the corridor, her little hand pressing against the door that stood ajar.

Darcy felt her mouth go dry at what was revealed. Steve stood in front of the mirror, shaving the edges of his short beard, shirtless, and it was more of his skin than she’d ever seen before. She thought she could have the upper hand in her dress, but she could see all his muscles, the hair that covered his chest and abdomen, and all his tattoos.

They were all on the front of him. There was the bull beneath his shoulder, the eagle on his chest, the name on his ribcage. Several more Darcy couldn’t make out completely in the quick glance she had of him, but she wanted to stare – she wanted to know every part of him, but she ducked her head instead, taking a step back to retreat, Riley oblivious.

“Hey,” she said, from outside the doorway, eyes on the carpet. “Sorry.”

Steve didn’t seem bothered by her barging in. He quickly put aside his razor and wiped his face, picking up a shirt that hung on the back of the door, pulling it on as he began to button it up.

“Hey –”

Riley cut in. “Daddy, where are my crayons?”

“They’re not on the coffee table?” Steve said, and Riley shook her head. “We’ll go check my desk.”

Riley bounded away, leaving them alone, and Steve gave Darcy a little smile.

“Thanks for this,” he said, and Darcy shook her head. “You’re a little early.”

“I think you’re running late, actually,” Darcy said, finally looking him in the eye again.

“Shit, probably,” Steve said, drawing in a sigh. “Got a little side tracked…”

He didn’t elaborate, the two of them walking into his office, where Riley was rummaging through piles of papers and fancy calligraphy pens.

“Careful with those, hon,” Steve said, and Darcy wished her own father had spoken to her that way when she was growing up. She knew it bothered Steve that Riley wasn’t being careful with anything, but he didn’t lose his temper easily.

Darcy moved to help, reaching for a little notebook, but Steve picked it up faster, shoving it in a drawer. She stared as he locked it with the key already in the drawer, stooping a second later to find the pack of crayons Riley was missing under his desk.

“You’re not allowed to clean tonight,” he said, straightening back up again, and Darcy realized he was talking to her. “Alright, sweetheart?”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, though she intended to the second he left. His office made it impossible to find anything.

Steve’s eyes met hers. “Good girl.”

Darcy wished there was some way for her to train her body not to physically react to Steve, because she felt a warm pooling of desire low in her tummy when he said _that_.

She didn’t know she was into that, being called that, not until he said it.

He moved out the room, Riley pushing the box of crayons toward Darcy, and she wondered if any of it had shown on her face. She was buzzing as she moved back into the living room, kneeling by the coffee table like Riley was, a large sheet of paper between both of them.

“What are you gonna draw?” she asked, finding her voice eventually, picking out a brown for a tree trunk she began.

“A kitty cat,” Riley said, grinning. “He’s green.”

“Oh, okay,” Darcy said with a little laugh. “In that case, I need blue for my leaves. It’s a special tree.”

They were giggling together with their heads bent when Steve came in, wearing his brown leather jacket Darcy had seen before. The top button of his shirt was undone, the eagle’s wing poking out from behind the material, and Darcy made sure her eyes didn’t linger too long on him, shifting in her seat on the floor.

“Love you,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to Riley’s forehead. “What about a purple dog?”

He stayed beside Darcy, picking up a lilac crayon to start drawing a little sheep dog, with more detail than Darcy could ever attempt, and she watched him the entire time, fascinated by how a few simple strokes turned into something so life-like.

“Wow,” she murmured aloud, and his eyes swiveled to hers.

“Stop, I’m already paying you as a sitter,” he murmured back.

“It’s _really_ good,” she said, and he put the crayon aside, shaking his head but he was smiling.

“And I’m really late,” he said, getting back up.

“Stay and draw, Daddy,” Riley said, and Darcy didn’t disagree with her.

She’d rather he didn’t go out, but then it wouldn’t be her babysitting anymore, and that wasn’t the best idea for anyone. Steve needed some time off, and Darcy needed to rein in what she was feeling more and more.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, giving her one last kiss.

Darcy got up, following him to the front door. His eyes fell to her bare feet beside his shoes.

“I have emergency numbers. She’ll be in bed by eight-thirty,” Darcy said. “We’ll have a great time, I promise.”

“Okay,” he said, hand reaching for the door.

He hesitated, rolling his lip between his teeth before he let it go.

“You look really beautiful,” he said, and Darcy blinked at him, not sure what to say in return.

Darcy chose to raise a hand goodbye and watched him go, staring at the shut door for several seconds after he left, hearing his echoing footsteps.

-

Riley seemed happy, alone with Darcy for the next couple hours.

Dinner was simple, Riley ate it all. She took a bath and splashed around, slapping her washcloth against the tiled wall over and over as Darcy sat on the floor beside her, watching her.

Darcy’s eyes drifted to Elsa who lay face-down on the floor, her hair like a tangle of white blond twine. She picked her up, turning her over.

“Maybe Elsa could use some repairs?” she said, and Riley turned her head, lips parting.

“Don’t cut her hair!”

“I won’t,” Darcy said hastily, shaking her head. “I was going to try to wash it, and sew her dress back together. See?”

Elsa’s gown hung half off her shoulder and the general state of her had been bothering Darcy for weeks. Riley slowly nodded, not completely convinced.

“I promise I won’t cut her hair,” Darcy said, leaning over with her pinkie raised. “Okay?”

Riley took her pinkie in her fist instead of looping it with her own finger but Darcy could see she was trusting her.

Riley fell asleep after Darcy read a few pages of a book for her, switching off the lamp when her eyes fell shut. The little nightlight close to the floor meant she didn’t trip over anything as she made her way out into the hallway, keeping the door an inch-wide open.

She walked into the bathroom, placing Elsa on the edge of the sink. She took off her dress, walking back out in search of a sewing kit.

She supposed Steve might have one in his office, since it’s where he kept a lot of the more important things. She let herself into his office, moving as quietly as possible, smelling him there as she pushed back the leather chair.

Her eyes went to the drawer with the key in the lock. She thought he’d put the notebook away pretty fast, like maybe it was a journal.

She took a step back, feeling guilty for considering taking a peek, retreating into the hallway after a few minutes of searching. It didn’t stop her from putting the papers into neat piles on the desk and putting all his pens back in the holder.

She found the little sewing kit, which looked brand new, in the junk drawer. It made sense it was there among the dead batteries and random cords, and she unearthed it, returning to the bathroom.

The dress seemed poorly made for a kid’s toy. Darcy knew now why her mom made her Barbie clothes by hand, even though as a kid Darcy had wished her mom wasn’t so cheap. She remembered the figure skating costume she’d longed for and never got.

She managed to brush the worst of the knots out of Elsa’s mane, scrubbing it with some of Riley’s strawberry scented conditioner and squeezing the excess water out.

She knew she was going out of her way for one little doll. She could be watching TV instead, but it was getting closer to the end of the night, and the countdown looming over her was unappealing. When she finished, she lay Elsa on a hand towel on the kitchen table, her wet hair spread out to air dry as she began to stack the dishwasher and wipe the benches.

She made herself a hot tea, blowing on it as she walked back into the living room. She watched a tiger swimming in a nature documentary, sipping her mug when she heard the front door opening, people laughing as she sat up.

Steve wasn’t alone, Nat came into view behind him, along with Sam.

And Bucky.

“Hey,” Sam said, and Darcy put her mug down, arms coming up as Sam hugged her.

“Hi,” she managed to reply, her heart picking up speed.

Bucky’s megawatt smile was almost too much, and she stood up to regain some control, offering her hand.

“So _you’re_ the babysitter,” he said, taking her hand and squeezing it.

“Darcy, this is Bucky,” Steve said, and Darcy nodded, stammering a little.

“Hi, I-I’ve heard so much…”

Nat came forward, hugging Darcy before she’d managed to recover from the attention. Sam and Steve disappeared into the kitchen, saying something about beers.

“How was she?” Nat asked, and Darcy smiled, glad she didn’t have to talk about herself.

“Riley was great. She was out like a light.”

“Thank fuck Steve actually took a night off,” Bucky said. “Whenever we offer to help, he leaves late, gets home early –”

“Sounds familiar,” Darcy said, and Bucky smiled at her again, a different one, his head tilted.

“Nat said he found you at that store –”

“Yeah,” Darcy said.

Bucky put his arm around Nat, rubbing her arm, still looking at Darcy like she was a curiosity.

“You in school?”

“No, I’m not a student,” Darcy said, furling her fingers of her right hand by her side, pressing her nails into her palm, wishing she didn’t seem so anxious.

“You’re a student of life,” Bucky said, and she felt herself smile. “That’s what matters.”

Nat peeled away, murmuring:

“Does Steve have bourbon?”

Darcy alone with Bucky, Steve’s best friend, was more daunting than she realized. She tried to fill the silence.

“Where’d you go tonight?”

“Old dive,” Bucky said. “A real shithole, but it’s the best. Steve doesn’t do the whole dancing thing, so when we _do_ go out, it’s to that bar.”

Darcy smiled.

“And we got hotdogs,” he added.

“Sounds like heaven,” Darcy said, and he grinned back at her.

“I could’ve sworn he was jonesing to get back, ASAFP,” he murmured, eyes darting to Nat who was returning with a tumbler of clear liquid, sipping it as she passed Bucky a beer. He put it to his lips, still talking to Darcy. “Haven’t seen him like this in a long time.”

His eyes had a different glint to them and Darcy stared back, before he let it go, head turned to his wife, who stood several inches taller than Darcy in her heels.

“He had vodka, but no bourbon,” she muttered, feigning being unimpressed, and Bucky’s lips pulled into a smile.

“Poor baby.”

Steve came back with Sam, passing Darcy a beer, his other hand on her arm.

“You’re staying for a drink, okay?” he said, before she could protest.

She nodded mutely, swallowing.

They sat on the couches together, Steve between Sam and Darcy as Bucky and Nat sat on the other, their voices relatively low to make sure Riley wasn’t woken up. Darcy didn’t check her watch, she didn’t want to break the spell, but she knew it wasn’t just one drink she stayed for.

At one point, Nat returned from the bathroom, eyes a little wider.

“I saw Elsa’s been to the spa.”

“What?” Steve said, and Darcy felt herself blush.

Natasha lifted the doll, showing Darcy’s handiwork, and Darcy put a hand over her face.

“That’s fuckin’ cute,” Bucky said, beer at his lips as he grinned at Darcy.

Darcy went still, feeling Steve’s hand on the back of her neck, rubbing her there.

“Riley’s gonna flip,” Sam said. He made a show of stretching. “I should go.”

Steve didn’t tell him to stay, in fact he didn’t move at all, only his hand slipped away from Darcy and she took a deep breath, watching as Nat and Bucky did the same, standing like Sam was to leave.

“Nice to meet you,” Bucky said, leaning down to kiss Darcy, and Nat did the same.

They retreated, letting themselves out. Steve had a little smile playing on his lips, his eyes shifting to Darcy, and the warmth there made her blurt out:

“It’s my birthday tomorrow.”

His eyes widened as he blinked down at her.

“What? Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shook her head, her lips still pulled into a smile.

“Don’t…”

“You should be out somewhere, with your friends,” he said, and Darcy actually laughed at that. “What? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in your 20s?”

“I only wanted to be here,” she said, and he went quiet. “I promise.”

The silence that settled between them wasn’t heavy like other times, it felt warm, and perfectly okay. Steve stared back at her as Darcy nodded, as if she was repeating the promise again and again.

Darcy made herself smile.

“It was the perfect distraction.”

She should probably put this to rest. The closer she got to him, the more it felt like she was going to disappoint him. It felt like if she didn’t try this hard, he might see her as less than what Riley needed. Realizing that now, clean and mended Elsa lying on the coffee table, she thought about how easy it would be to slip up, like with the bee sting at the park.

She wondered if he pointed out she was in her 20s so she’d take a hint – she was young, too inexperienced and immature for him.

“Where’d you go?” he said suddenly, and Darcy blinked at him, surprised.

“Nowhere,” she said. She ducked her gaze to her hands in her lap. “I figured I’d grow out of this, sooner or later.”

Steve frowned a little. “What do you mean?”

She swallowed. “I dunno. I should probably go.”

She rose from the couch, picking up her bag along the way, slipping her feet into her shoes. Steve stayed close by, taking out some money from his wallet. It was too much and he knew she knew that, shaking his head as he curled her fingers around the cash in her palm.

She thought of his hand on her neck before, how he was a steady grip on her, as if she belonged to him. At least, her brain had led her to feel that way, whether or not it was true.

Just the two of them, it felt like a dream. His apartment was the dream world and everything was wonderful, a vacation from everything else, and he was the dream boy – the dream man – and Darcy was the dream girl.

Instead of letting her go, once Darcy put the cash away in her bag, his hand slipped into hers, their fingers twining together as they walked out of the apartment, down the stairs and into the open night air.

He hailed a cab with his free hand, and it pulled up a moment later, their heads turned to one another.

“Bye.”

“Bye,” Darcy echoed, and she drew back, opening the door.

He smiled down at her through the glass before she pulled away from the curb. She watched him from the back window, and he didn’t move at all as she sped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you better believe I've Trojaned a praise kink into this, I have devil horns hidden under my hair
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	9. ix. Dente di leone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the cat that left you a dead bird on your doorstep, give me pets for the carnage

_But I get tired of runnin', fuck it_  
_Now, I’m runnin' with you (With you)_  
**\- "positions" by Ariana Grande  
**

_You're so golden_  
_I'm out of my head_  
_And I know that you're scared_  
_Because hearts get broken_ **  
\- "Golden" by Harry Styles**

**ix. Dente di leone**

“Darce.”

Darcy whipped her head toward the doorway, seeing Peter standing there, thumb jutting behind him in the direction of the front of the store.

“You gotta get her out.”

“What? What happened?” Darcy said, dropping her knife she’d been cutting oranges with for the last fifteen minutes, giving Peter a break.

She stepped away from her cutting board, wiping her sweat on her forehead with her wrist, following him back out.

“Mrs Alderson came, she saw an article online,” Peter said in the corner of his mouth, and Darcy drew in a breath.

For the most part, the store didn’t attract annoying customers, so the ones that stood out for being a pain in the ass tended to derail Jane’s entire operation. Darcy moved up behind her, keeping a safe distance as she tried to best determine where Jane’s head was at.

Mrs Alderson was a middle-aged woman that liked to share bits of information she thought the workers might not have known. Darcy had been the receiver of several visits, all of which crammed full of pseudoscience. Darcy crossed her arms, watching.

“These bags of salt are bad, I’d like a different kind,” she said, tapping on the plastic half pound bag of Himalayan pink salt Darcy watched Quill stack on the shelf a few hours ago.

“Why is that?” Darcy said, and Mrs Alderson pushed her thick glasses back up her nose, frowning.

“It’s poisonous. I saw something on Facebook about it expiring,” she said, and Darcy glanced at Jane, waiting.

“Salt is millions of years old, it can’t expire unless it’s the table salt kind, and that’s to do with iodine,” Jane said, her voice more levelled than Darcy expected.

“This is salt,” Mrs Alderson snapped, tapping the plastic again.

“Ma’am, to be fair, it’s organic Himalayan rock salt, it’s got nothing else in it,” Darcy said, before Jane could snap back.

Mrs Alderson drew her hand back.

“I would like to speak to the manager.”

“Good, I’ll go get him,” Darcy said, spinning on the spot. She marched out, widening her eyes at Peter, who looked like he was trying not to laugh.

He followed her out back, and Darcy cupped her mouth.

“Jay! Customer wants to dispute some salt.”

Quill appeared with Jay, who looked like Darcy was the last person he wanted to see, his bushy brows furrowing as he walked alongside her.

“I work with hens, pecking all day. You. Jane. Carol. Carol’s Maria,” he muttered, then some Italian followed that led Darcy to believe he was swearing as much as Quill liked to in English. “You want my advice? Don’t have daughters or nieces. Have sons.”

“Noted,” Darcy said, and Jay went ahead of her, slipping back into the store as Darcy returned to her oranges.

Quill gave Darcy a little wink, a box on one shoulder he picked up from the floor next to her.

“Better get started on those sons, New Girl,” he said. “You wanna meet me in the bathroom?”

“Sure,” she said, unable to keep the smile off her face.

Quill made several trips back and forth as Darcy cut more oranges, filling a couple metal containers, before Jay appeared in the doorway, not unlike Peter had.

“What is it _now_?” Darcy said, and Quill smirked.

“Brick shithouse here to see you,” Jay retorted. “Unless Her Highness is too busy.”

“Her Highness will allow one commoner,” Darcy said airily, giving up, peeling off her gloves and shoving them into her apron as she slipped past Jay, breaking into a bigger smile when she reached the front of the store.

Steve stood with Riley, his hand in her hair, both of them smiling back at her. Jane was still serving customers so they stood to the side of the counter, Darcy leaning against the wood.

She knew she probably looked better a few hours ago, less frizzy, but she’d been waiting to see them for hours. Since the night before her birthday, she’d been replaying each moment with Steve over and over in her head, hoping he wouldn’t retreat. Him showing up now, smiling at her openly and asking for her made her think it was different to the last time she got that close to him.

“Hi, honey, c’mere,” she said to Riley, and she moved out from behind the counter, kneeling to give her a tight hug.

“We’re going to the park,” Riley said.

“Yeah?” Darcy said, her eyes shifting up to Steve. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied.

Jay interrupted, a string of Italian that made Steve shake his head with a smile. Darcy didn’t decipher much from it, except that Steve seemed to understand it. He yelled something back, waving him off.

Jay came over, gesturing to Darcy now, and she began to laugh.

“What did you call me?” she said, and Jay winked at Steve.

“No longer _gattara_ ,” he yelled over his shoulder, and Steve kept smiling, eyes falling to Darcy again. “The Rogers’ turned you into a happy _dente di leone_.”

_“Si, si…”_

“What is a _gattara_?” Darcy murmured, in case it was a curse word.

“An old cat lady,” Steve said, and Darcy turned her head in Jay’s direction, but he’d moved on, talking to another customer by the cabbages.

“That’s sweet,” Darcy muttered. “And what’s -?”

“You’re a happy dandelion,” Steve said, and Darcy felt her stomach flip, straightening up again, Riley’s arms looping around her middle.

“How do you know so much Italian?” she asked.

Steve pressed his lips together for a second.

“My ma, she’s – she was half Italian, and I – I was in Italy for a little while, in art school. With my ex.”

His smile faded a little and Darcy didn’t want to allow him that, feeling bad, so she pressed a kiss to Riley’s head.

“I can’t come to the park today, I’m working.”

“Tomorrow? Daddy’s working,” Riley said.

Darcy looked back at Steve, whose lips were curling into a smile.

“I was gonna ask…”

“Sure, I can sit,” she said, and Steve’s eyes shifted to Jane behind them, who thankfully was preoccupied. “You want a juice?”

He gave another smile, nodding, and Darcy loved how easy it was.

-

The next day she had off, so Darcy had plenty of time to overthink everything, anticipating seeing Steve. She woke early, staring up at the sun coming from under the blinds. It was meant to be warm, clear blues skies according to the weather app on her phone.

She showered, shaved and tried to best tame her hair for the humidity, opting for a braid. She knew it might look a little childish, but she made sure to pick a dress that didn’t make her look like Dorothy in _The Wizard of Oz_. It wasn’t a bad look, she’d been Dorothy a couple times for Halloween, it just wasn’t the vibe she was going for, if she was going to see Steve.

Jane shook her bottle of pineapple juice she’d made yesterday, watching Darcy put on clothes, the blank expression on her face indicating she was not swayed by anything Darcy was trying on.

“I look twelve,” Darcy mumbled, brushing her hands down her front.

Her shirt had ruffles that she’d bought because the model on the sight looked like an adorable plus-sized cream puff, but on Darcy she looked like a leg of ham wrapped in an antique sheet. The model must have worn a couple layers of control wear at least, and Darcy didn’t want to, she didn’t see the point in killing herself by strangling her massive chest and wide hips.

“Not with those tits, as my mom has said,” Jane said, and Darcy frowned at her.

“Good old Gloria Foster,” she mumbled.

“She bought me boys t-shirts until I was sixteen,” Jane muttered, uncapping her bottle and putting it to her lips. “I’m still flat.”

“You are gorgeous,” Darcy said, managing to peel the shirt off with a huff. “Your mom is worse than you at being nice.”

“They’re both neurotypical,” Jane said, and Darcy rolled her eyes.

“They’re boomers,” Darcy said.

Jane smirked, swallowing. “Wear the dress with the dots.”

“I’m trying to not look like I work at Forever 21,” Darcy said, and Jane scoffed.

“He sees you in an apron six days a week,” Jane retorted. “Those things make us look like we live in District 12, with government mandated uniforms…”

Darcy began to laugh, and what was doubly funny was knowing Jane hadn’t intended to make a joke, she’d made what she thought was an obvious observation.

She pulled the dotted dress on with the daisies, examining herself in the mirror inside her closer. She turned to the sit.

“Your butt sticks out.”

“I can’t help that,” Darcy said.

“I meant, he’ll like that,” Jane said, wiping her mouth with the back of her mouth. “If he’s not too preoccupied with your boobs.”

“I’m seeing him for five seconds…”

She knew that wasn’t true. What Bucky said a few nights ago echoed in her mind – Steve left late and came home early when he knew Riley was with a sitter. Darcy bit her lip, contemplating her makeup. The dress was probably the best she could do.

She wrapped herself up, tying the little string tight at her waist, taking a steady breath in and out.

“Thor went down on me for half an hour yesterday,” Jane said, breaking the brief silence between them.

Darcy spun around, leaning over to grab her tube of mascara from the pile of crap on her drawers.

“How was it?”

“Great. I ask him to do something and he does it,” Jane said. “Weird how that’s not normal. I think a lot of guys would get the girls they wanted if they did that.”

“Yeah, figures,” Darcy murmured, starting to coat her lashes, raising her brows.

“I don’t have a lot of time for him, though,” Jane added.

It wasn’t the first time she’d said this. Darcy knew it was something that bothered her if she was repeating herself.

“Maybe you should’ve got a dog,” Darcy joked, leaning back to examine her eyes.

“Yeah. I still kinda want one,” Jane said, and Darcy smirked. “If I got one now, he’d look after it if I asked him to.”

“Yeah, he’s great that way,” Darcy said.

Jane watched her fixed her braid again, drinking the rest of her juice. Darcy consulted her phone’s clock, her heartbeat picking up again.

“Okay, I’ll see you,” she breathed, and Jane nodded, distracted. “You good?”

“I think I’m gonna stick with Einstein-Rosen bridges,” she said, nodding.

Darcy smiled at her, since it was the most self-assured Darcy had seen her about her PhD in several weeks. She gave Jane’s shoulder a squeeze on her way out.

-

“It would be absolutely criminal to be stuck indoors today,” Darcy declared, as Riley led her through the front doorway, skipping as Darcy grinned down at her. “So I’m glad we’re going to the park.”

“Elsa’s excited, too,” Riley said, dashing toward the coffee table and picking her doll up, revealing the new face tattoo she’d drawn on her plastic cheek – a scribble and a flower next to each other.

“Wow,” Darcy said, as she was handed Elsa.

“Those markers are washable,” Steve said, walking into the room, and Darcy pressed her lips together to suppress her relieved smile.

He was wearing one of his short-sleeved Henley shirts, a thin chain around his neck, his tattoos peeking out. Darcy tried not to notice how much he was looking at her as Riley chatted about something called The Butterfly House.

“They fly around and they land on you if you’re very quiet!” she half-yelled, and Darcy smiled down at her. “Daddy said we can go.”

“Yeah?” Darcy said, glancing at Steve. “I don’t think I know it, I’ll need directions. But first, sunscreen.”

Riley took off down the corridor to grab the bottle and she and Steve were alone, several feet away from one another.

“Meeting today, or catching up on something?” Darcy said, and he lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck.

“I… was sort of hoping the three of us could go together,” he said.

Darcy’s lips parted and she blinked at him, wondering how to reply without sounding too dense. He looked so cute, almost shy as he waited for her to say something.

“Is that okay?” he said, since she stayed quiet and stunned.

“Yeah,” she said, and Riley came running back in, shoving the bottle of sunscreen into her hand.

Darcy moved on auto-pilot until they left the apartment. Being out in the open air seemed to make it more real, that Steve was with them, walking in the street. They stopped at the lights and Steve glanced down at her, Riley between them and holding their hands.

“You look really nice,” he said, and Riley interrupted.

“Daddy!”

“Yes, honey?”

“Can we get ice cream?”

“Ice cream after?” Steve said, eyes darting to Darcy. “I’m not the boss right now.”

“Ice cream after,” Darcy said, and Riley grinned. “But Daddy has to get a cone, too. I’m the boss.”

He didn’t argue, and Darcy will still riding the high of his compliment. She was glad she chose this dress, since pants would have meant sweating more than she already was.

They walked the few blocks to the Butterfly House, which Darcy could see from a distance was made up of several small rooms with high glass ceilings and walls. Admission wasn’t expensive, but Darcy still said thanks to Steve as he paid. Riley loved using the turnstile as they walked through, linking hands with Darcy again as they moved ahead of Steve.

The first room was dark, cool and showed displays of caterpillars and cocoons. Darcy pointed to each display, knowing Riley knew some of the context from her last visit, and one of her favourite books was _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_. Steve followed behind and every so often Darcy would glance his way, seeing him look back at her with warm eyes and a half-smile.

When they finally stepped into the glass rooms of the butterfly enclosures, Riley was jumping up and down with excitement, and Darcy placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Remember we have to be slow and careful,” Darcy said, and Riley stopped moving, but she was still jiggling on the spot as they lingered by the entrance.

Steve only rose his brows pointedly at his daughter and she nodded, balling her hands into fists.

“ _Please_ can I go in!” she whispered, unable to contain herself, and Darcy couldn’t help smiling.

“Okay.”

They stepped through a door, then began moving through curtains of plastic, and Darcy was hit with several intermingling floral scents, the air thick with moisture.

Looking around, there were little stations where butterflies were feeding from little dishes. Others were flying around, and many were landing on the people already inside the glass house.

Riley moved faster than anyone else there, but Darcy knew she was actually dialling it way back compared to the times she’d been to the park.

Riley was probably going to be like one of the nerdy beautiful girls in high school Jane was. Darcy loved bringing up that Jane was homecoming queen and a massive space geek, it made her best friend roll her eyes.

She looked at Steve, who had his phone out to take a picture of Riley with a butterfly already landing on her little finger. She grinned.

“Darcy, look!”

Darcy found the sign with the species on it, seeing it was a Ulysses butterfly, blue and black and rare. She moved closer to Steve, glancing down at his phone.

“Wow.”

“Darce,” he said suddenly, and she went still, feeling a tickle on her arm.

Two yellow-winged butterflies had landed on her and she kept very still, staring at them as Steve turned slightly to take a picture.

“You look like you’re about to cut the red wire,” he murmured. “Or the blue wire…”

He showed her the picture, and Darcy couldn’t argue, she looked terrified but the butterflies were beautiful, several flying behind her.

They kept moving, following the vague oval of the glasshouse, marvelling at all the creatures that flew around. Riley kept laughing loudly, looking like she was dancing with excitement, and Darcy wanted to bottle the feelings she had, to keep them for the next time she was sad.

Riley insisted on ice cream after close to an hour there, and they seemed to have stayed longer than anyone else.

“Where will we go, then?” Steve asked, and Riley grinned.

“Park! Ice cream truck at the park,” she said.

“Smart girl,” Darcy said, giving Riley’s nose a little tap with her finger.

On the walk back, Darcy kept catching Steve looking at her more and more, and she felt her tummy flipping again and again, her cheeks flushed from more than the weather.

They stood in line and Riley kept talking about the butterflies, how she wanted her own glasshouse, and Steve was smiling down at her, encouraging her.

“We’ll need to move some stuff around at home,” he said, and Riley grinned.

“We can move your desk out.”

“No more working?” he said, and Riley nodded. “Sounds pretty good to me.”

He got a cone of Neapolitan ice cream and Darcy copied Riley again, getting triple chocolate. They wandered over to a bench, Steve and Darcy beside each other, Riley crouching to march Elsa through the grass.

“Good?” Darcy said, nodding at his cone.

Steve, mouth full, nodded. “What about yours?”

“Why, you wanna get in on this?” she mumbled, licking.

“Yeah,” he replied, and Darcy didn’t hesitate, shoving the ice cream into his nose and upper lip.

Riley was watching and began to cackle, Steve’s hand grabbing Darcy’s side to tickle her and she began to laugh, a little disbelieving she’d done that to him.

The smear of ice cream was wiped away with his thumb, licking it.

“It’s pretty good. Thanks…”

His hand slid up, wrapping around her shoulders to pull her closer and Darcy let him, settling into his side. They ate in silence as Riley played in the grass. There were no bee stings.

-

Riley was worn out, struggling to get through the bowl of pasta she had for dinner, drooping at the table as Darcy pushed back some of her hair.

“Bath time?” she said, and Riley nodded, too tired to argue.

Darcy sat on the floor as Riley washed, playing with less enthusiasm than usual, Steve cleaning in the kitchen. Riley kept rubbing her eyes and yawning.

Riley flopped onto her bed, eyes heavy-lidded as she listened to Darcy reading aloud. It didn’t take a whole picture book to get her to settle, her eyes fluttering shut by the time Darcy got halfway through Peter Rabbit’s visit to Mr McGregor’s garden.

“Night, honey,” Darcy whispered, leaving her door slightly ajar as she slipped back into the corridor.

She found Steve on the couch and fell in beside him, picking up the beer bottle he’d left for her on the coffee table, putting it to her lips.

“She’s wrecked,” Darcy murmured, and Steve nodded, a little smile on his face.

They turned the TV on, keeping the volume low as they found a movie. Darcy didn’t intend on leaving for a little while, it was still early, and Steve wasn’t making any move to let her go, his hand on the back of the couch behind her, their knees bumping.

“You have a good day?” she asked, and he nodded.

He shifted a little, turning toward her. “You?”

“The best,” she said.

“Yeah,” he said.

They watched one another instead of the TV, the sounds of the dialogue filling the gaps between them. Steve lifted a hand, his knuckles stroking Darcy’s cheek.

“I wanted to send you flowers,” he whispered. “I was gonna ask Jay for your address, or Jane, for a late birthday bouquet…”

“Why didn’t you?” Darcy asked, and he kept stroking her.

“I like to keep a safe distance,” he whispered. “But…”

“But?”

He swallowed, cupping her jaw, staring at her mouth. Darcy licked her lips, his eyes shifting back to hers.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

She knew he’d been hurt before. She knew he was still hurting now, it was manifesting as guilt. He was worried he wasn’t enough for Riley, he thought he was going to damage her. He felt guilty for doing anything for himself, including touching Darcy like he was now.

He was constantly fighting with himself, his eyes back on her mouth.

“Steve –”

Whatever she intended to say was cut off by his lips pressing into hers, Darcy’s eyes flying shut, her mouth opening to his as his tongue slipped between her lips, everything careening forward, Darcy’s hand on his face, fingers gliding through his beard.

Her body’s response was immediate, a burning radiating down to her front, stomach dropping as her heart began to race, her moan slipping out of her as he kissed her with a hunger she’d longed for.

It was like he meant to wreck her, pulling her into his arms, shifting so she was in his lap, one hand in her hair, the other gripping her hip over her dress.

He sucked on her tongue, lips smacking messily as Darcy began to pant, feeling wound tighter, wishing she could rub her thighs together for some kind of relief, and then he was kissing her cheek, sucking on the skin of her throat, Darcy smiling dazedly.

“It’s too hot,” she panted, and he chuckled.

God, he was so warm, and feeling the heft of him wrapping around her as he kissed her, hands mapping out the shape of her – she wished they were both naked now, she wanted everything at once.

She rocked, feeling he was hard, and it almost didn’t feel real, until he pulled back, hand going to the tie of her dress.

“Let’s take this off, okay?” he whispered, and she nodded, whimpering a little at the heat in his gaze.

He unwrapped the front of her dress, Darcy’s bra on display. He slipped a hand inside, cupping her naked breast.

“Look at you,” he whispered, and Darcy moaned again, feeling helpless, and he chased her mouth for another kiss, filthy and wet.

Darcy rocked into him, her clit insistent and nagging, bumping into Steve’s erection, and they broke apart, Steve’s mouth sealing over her nipple when he managed to reach it, Darcy’s hands deep in his hair. She moaned by his ear, her cunt trying to clench on absolutely nothing.

“Fuck, I want you,” he breathed, and Darcy nodded, frantic.

He drew back, kissing her hard, one hand slipping down to grab a handful of her ass, rocking up into her.

“Daddy?”

They both froze, and Darcy knew then she hadn’t imagined it. She turned her head, seeing Riley facing them in the corner of the room, rubbing her eyes.

“I don’t feel well,” she mumbled.

She then promptly vomited on the floor.

“Okay!” Steve half-yelled, alarmed, peeking out from behind Darcy.

Darcy finally hopped off of Steve, shoving herself back into her bra, tugging her dress back in place as he ran over to scoop Riley up, carrying her out.

Darcy stared at the puddle, panting. Everything happened so fast she took several seconds for it to all sink in, passing a sweaty hand over her face.

She went to the laundry to grab the bucket and fill it with water. She cleaned the floor, hearing Riley throw up again, Steve murmuring to her. Darcy went to find them, her eyes meeting Steve’s.

“She’s burning up, we’re out of aspirin,” Steve muttered, shaking his head. “Fuckin’ idiot.”

“Hey,” Darcy said, frowning. “Don’t.”

She left without giving Steve a chance to beat himself up again, racing down the street to the convenience store to grab a bottle before she came back, out of breath as she reached the apartment.

She knelt beside Steve who had a listless Riley in his lap, rubbing her back as she sniffled into his neck.

“I got some aspirin,” she whispered, and she offered it to Steve, with a water glass.

Riley took it, groaning a little. “My throat hurts,” she mumbled.

Steve closed his eyes briefly and Darcy leaned over, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Stop it,” she said, and he blinked at her.

“Okay.”

“I mean it,” she said, and she pressed a kiss to his lips. “Stop it.”

“Thank you,” he whispered back.

Darcy sat back on her heels, sighing, Steve staring back at her. The moment on the couch felt further away, Riley sick in his arms, but she wasn’t going to let him ruin the fun he’d had.

Darcy went home another half hour later, Steve grabbing her chin at the last second to give her a proper kiss, her tummy somersaulting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that happened. Good talk. *uncaps water bottle and downs it in one go*
> 
>   
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	10. x. I'm Not Dangerous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhh okay. Okay. Okay. OKAY. Okay.

_But if the chance remained to see those better days_  
_I'd cut the cannons down_  
_My ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits_  
_But I still crave that sound_  
**\- "Giving Up The Gun" by Vampire Weekend**

_I'll be your baby doll and your bodyguard if you tell me to_  
_I'll try to make it all not as hard if you let me through_  
**\- "Peach" by Kevin Abstract**

_Who do you think you are?_  
_Who do you think you I am?_  
_What do you wanna say?_  
_What do you think will change?_  
_Maybe I'm afraid of you_  
_Maybe I'm afraid of you_  
**\- "Bite The Hand" by boygenius**

**x. I'm Not Dangerous**

The inevitable happened – Steve got sick, too.

It was some kind of virus, he’d told Darcy in a few texts after he’d taken Riley to the doctor’s, updating Darcy the afternoon after the vomiting. Darcy had sent sympathy texts throughout the day, her heart aching for them both. She knew he was stressed out, and she could remember how overwhelming it was to throw up as a kid, when everything felt out of control.

At least Steve was understanding and patient about Riley’s illness. Darcy used to absorb her parents’ worries, knowing they were missing work to look after her. She recalled feeling guilty for colds when her mom couldn’t take her into work, her father John irritated that it was his duty to care for her.

Pushing that aside, she asked Steve how he was, and all he ever said was that he missed her. She texted him when there was a quiet gap at work, two days after she’d last seen Steve and Riley, and Quill pretended to read over her shoulder, declaring for the rest of the store to hear:

“New Girl’s sending nudes!”

“You want one?” Darcy retorted, feeling her ears grow hot. She looked over at Peter, who looked uncomfortable. “There _are_ minors present, Quill.”

“Please don’t include me in this,” Peter muttered, shaking his head as he fed some beets into the machine, laughing nervously. “I know you’re kidding –”

“You’re still here, buddy? Don’t you have homework to do?” Quill cut in, changing the subject.

Darcy went back to typing, seeing Steve hadn’t replied to her last text. She didn’t want to nag him, but if she could check in properly she’d feel better about the situation. She didn’t want to give him a chance to avoid her again.

“You won’t use geometry after you finish high school,” Quill said, and Darcy realised she’d missed half the conversation taking place right next to her.

“If I wanna be an engineer, I will,” Peter retorted, hitching several empty containers in his arms. “I’m gonna cut oranges, Darce.”

“’Kay,” Darcy replied, still distracted.

**_I can make Riley a juice and bring it over_ **

“You got it bad, huh?” Quill said, and Darcy put her phone to her chest, frowning up at him. He smirked, calling out to Peter: “Hey Petey, get you a girl who wants to play nurse!”

“I think I’m supposed to tell you you’re being misogynistic!” Peter yelled back, and Darcy snorted.

“That’s a big word for a twelve year-old,” Quill muttered.

Darcy turned away, starting the juice before Steve could reply.

-

She took the stairs two at a time, knocking on Steve’s front door, her tummy flipping. She’d been replaying how they’d made out on his couch since it happened, but being back in his building was something else.

She thought, belatedly, that she might be overstepping things. He could tell her to come back later, and then she’d be crushed and have to cover it up somehow. She felt a spike of panic, hearing rapid footsteps beyond his door. She took a step back, hoping she wouldn’t be met with cold eyes…

Not that he’d ever been cold. She’d had experiences with her own father and a few boyfriends over the years and she knew she wouldn’t be able to stand it if he was even a little mean, not after how he’d kissed her like he was starved for it.

Riley appeared, beaming up at her. She was glowing.

“Honey, you look so much better!” Darcy said, dropping to her knees to hug her tight, kissing her face. She opened her bag, showing Riley the two juices inside.

“One’s red,” Riley said, pointing. “The other one is orange!”

“Orange for vitamin C, but maybe you don’t need it,” Darcy murmured.

“Daddy can have it,” Riley said, and Darcy frowned. “He’s sick.”

“What?”

Darcy stood up, shutting the door behind her, Riley dashing away into the living room.

She walked in, her brows hiking at the sight of Steve on the couch, a blanket wrapped around him, creases under his eyes. Darcy stared for a couple seconds. Riley, unaware of her shock, dropped next to the coffee table to get back to her crayons, Elsa under her arm.

Darcy found her feet, walking over to Steve, kneeling and shoving her bag aside. He was waking up, swallowing and blinking up at her, frowning.

“Hey, baby,” he mumbled, but he was smiling. “You shouldn’t be here, you’ll get sick…”

Darcy put a hand on his forehead, feeling his burning skin.

“Steve, you’re _green_ ,” she whispered. “How long have you been on the couch?”

“I managed to get outta bed this morning,” he mumbled. “Rest’s sort of a blur.”

Darcy picked up the baby thermometer from the table, placing it by his forehead and waiting for it to beep, reading the damning numbers on its display.

“You’re a hundred and two,” Darcy said. She placed her hands on his face, smoothing back his hair. “You eat anything today? Did you throw up?”

He nodded, swallowing and squinting, remembering.

“Yesterday.”

“Yesterday?” Darcy repeated, and he nodded slowly. “You threw up yesterday? How come when I was asking you how you were yesterday you were telling me you’re fine?”

He didn’t have a decent answer, shaking his head, and Darcy sighed.

“Come on, let’s go…”

He obliged with some difficulty, and she followed behind him as he walked out of the living room. He was shivering and trying not to show it, glancing over his shoulder at her along the way.

“You’re wearing your apron…”

“Yeah, I came from work, keep moving,” Darcy said, flapping her hand. “Go…”

She didn’t have time for his self-preservation. She vowed that if he got worse, she was taking him to the emergency room. Being ill meant he was less likely to physically fight her off if she tried to bundle him into a cab.

He shuffled into his room, his bed unmade, which had to be a bad sign if there ever was one. He flopped down, pulling the blankets around him, one hand slipping out as Darcy sat on the edge of his bed, staring him down.

“You need to rest,” she said, and his hand was on her back, rubbing it as she leaned over him. “Okay?”

He nodded, smiling. “I missed you…”

“You’re delirious,” Darcy said. “I’m getting you aspirin.”

She ducked out of his room and returned with water, aspirin, and the orange juice she’d made earlier for Riley, passing it to him.

“Drink,” she said. “You need it.”

He uncapped it, taking a sip. “It’s cold.”

“You need cold,” Darcy retorted.

Steve began to shiver more, settling against his pillow, putting the bottle aside faster than Darcy liked. She heard Riley making a distant whooping sound and she turned her head back toward him, narrowing her eyes.

“Finish that bottle for me by the time I get back. And try to sleep.”

He nodded, but he put the bottle on his bedside table, his eyelids heavy. Darcy switched off his lamp and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

Darcy played with Riley for half an hour, making Elsa go bungee jumping off the back of the couch with a pair of old shoelaces from the junk drawer. She ordered pizza on the app in her phone and went back to Steve to see if he was sleeping.

The light in the halfway was enough for her to see his face, she preferred to not disturb him by switching the lamp back on. His eyes were closed and she lifted a hand to feel his skin and he sucked in a breath.

“You’re the same,” she murmured, and she got up again, coming back with a washcloth she’d dampened with cold water, placing it on his forehead.

“I’m fucking… freezing,” he whispered.

Darcy relented, switching his lamp back on, flooding his room with yellow light. He was shining with sweat and she took the washcloth away, letting it sit on her knee as she pulled back his blanket. She grabbed the bottom of his t-shirt, peeling it up.

“Darce –”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to take advantage of you in your weakened condition,” she murmured, and Steve shook his head, chin jutting.

“Darce, I’m gonna be sick.”

He covered his mouth with his hand, Darcy jumping back as she glanced around his room for a trash bin, finding one just in time, Steve’s head ducking as he puked.

The sound was terrible, and it hurt a little to hear, his body leaning over the mattress as he emptied himself. He winced, sniffling and groaning a little, before spitting and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“That’s gross,” he mumbled.

“I’ve seen worse,” Darcy said, and he shook his head, wincing again.

“Fuck –”

He threw up again, mostly bile. He coughed, spitting once more. He leaned on his elbow, keeping his eyes closed.

“I need your help getting my shirt off,” he whispered, and he’d begun to shiver again.

Darcy scooted closer, helping him up enough to tug his shirt off, tossing it aside, her hands on his chest to help him settle back on down. His hand was on her thigh, squeezing every so often as he lay on his back, eyes still closed.

“I’m gonna stay the night,” she whispered, and he shook his head.

“Jesus, your first sleepover here and I’m throwing up –”

“Shut up,” she said, and he clenched his jaw, cracking an eye.

“Is Riley okay?”

“She’s fine. We’re gonna eat pizza,” Darcy said. “Please try to sleep. I’ll check on you again soon…”

She reached for the washcloth she’d tossed aside in their haste to catch his puke, placing it on his forehead. His hand was on her hip now, rubbing over the widest portion of her.

“Please try to sleep,” she said again, more a whisper that time, pressing a kiss to his burning cheek.

She went back to Riley just as the delivery guy knocked on the door, Riley bounding toward the sound to retrieve their food. Darcy ate with her on the couch, a box on her lap as Riley chewed with her mouth open, staring at the TV in front of them.

Darcy slipped into Steve’s room later to take the puke away, not seeing more in the trash bin, which gave her a little hope. She heard his soft snoring from his bed as she crept back out to clean up as Riley watched some of _Frozen_.

“Honey, it’s bath time,” Darcy said, and Riley pouted.

“Can I stay up until _Let It Go_?”

“Fastforward to it, and then bath time,” Darcy said, pointing.

Riley did as she was told, slumping a little when the song had finished, but she enjoyed the bath she had, Elsa on the tiles beside her as Darcy texted Jane where she was.

**_Are you his girlfriend now?_ **

Darcy stared at Jane’s question. Her answer felt like it should be ‘maybe’, but she wasn’t sure. She was certainly Steve’s friend, and he liked her – like her enough to kiss her the other night – but she wasn’t going to say either way.

**_Can I swap shifts with you to finish early tomorrow?_ **

She bit her lip, waiting, and Jane mercifully agreed. She’d go to work and then come straight back here.

Riley was giggly and happy to hear a bedtime story as Darcy tucked her in, Elsa beside her. She went back out into the hallway when she’d finished with Riley, balling her hands into fists as she crept back to Steve, hoping he was better. She took the thermometer with her that time, sitting on the edge of his bed as he stirred at her arrival.

“If you’re a hundred and three, we’re going to urgent care,” she whispered.

He didn’t argue, only blinked up at her groggily. She put the thermometer to his forehead, waiting with her breath held. From feel alone, he didn’t seem different.

The machine beeped and she sighed.

“A hundred and one. Okay,” she whispered. “That’s better…”

She replaced the washcloth, and Steve’s eyes were closed again when she return, but he reached for her, hand on hers as she put a fresh, cooling cloth to his skin.

“Go to sleep…”

A little smile was on his face, slipping away as he faded, Darcy’s hand on his bare chest.

She walked back to Riley’s room. She didn’t like being alone in the apartment. It was still early, but she was so tired, the evening suddenly hitting her, on top of her long shift.

She lay down beside Riley, who shifted to her side, Darcy’s chin brushing her head. She let her eyes droop, listening to the little girl breathe…

-

Darcy woke with a tiny shoulder colliding with her eye, reeling back as she remembered she’d collapsed on Riley’s bed, her arm wrapped around the little girl’s middle. She swallowed, her mouth dry, shifting back to grind her palm into her uninjured eye. She couldn’t discern what time it was by sight alone, the room was washed in a pale blue hue that had Darcy believing she’d slept through most of the night.

She’d had an early night, which was good, considering she needed to get back to the store in the next hour or she’d be late. She consulted her phone, confirming it was after dawn, her tummy gurgling. Riley was still asleep as she left her, tugging her shoes on in the hallway, creeping back to Steve’s room.

The door creaked as she let herself in and she held her breath, hoping she –

“Morning,” she heard, and she winced.

“Hey,” she breathed, moving toward his bed.

He seemed better than last night, a bit fresher. His eyes were warm and sleepy, but he wasn’t shivering anymore. Darcy put the thermometer by his forehead, Steve watching her as she waited.

“Ninety-eight point six,” she murmured. “Perfect.”

She was relieved, smiling down at him when she showed him the display. His hand was on her thigh, and his hair was rumpled from sleep. He looked adorable – that never seemed to stop. Darcy placed a hand on the side of his face.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he murmured. “Still a little tired.”

Darcy nodded, Steve’s eyes drifting to her mouth as she spoke.

“I swapped shifts with Jane, I’ve gotta go soon. You want breakfast?”

“Let me –”

He went to pull his blanket off his legs but Darcy shook her head, her hand pressing into his chest.

“Stay there. I think you should try to sleep, I’ll be back this afternoon,” Darcy murmured. “I’ll get you toast.”

He looked like he meant to argue but she shook her head again, then remembered she needed something from him.

“I need to borrow a shirt,” she said, peering around.

“The drawer there,” he said, pointing behind her, and she got up to stand by the set of mahogany drawers that came up to her neck.

She opened the top drawer, finding socks. The second had clean shirts, folded like in a store, and she picked out a black one, holding it up.

“It’ll be more like a dress,” Steve said.

“I’ll have it taken in,” Darcy murmured, joking.

It didn’t matter much how it looked, she just needed something for to go under her apron. She crossed her arms at the bottom of her shirt, before remembering Steve.

They were close, that was undeniable, but she wasn’t sure if she should be getting undressed in front of him. A little voice told her not to, for whatever reason. She hesitated, her eyes shifting back to Steve in bed, looking back at her in the semi-dark.

“You embarrassed?” he said, and Darcy’s eyes ducked for a second.

“I dunno.”

She knew it was silly. She’d seen him throw up last night. He’d sucked on her nipple a few nights ago. She still felt self-conscious as she yanked her shirt over her head, tugging Steve’s clean one on a second later.

She walked out of his room to make two rounds of toast, taking two pieces to him with her own, sitting on the edge of his bed as she ate. She sipped coffee, chewing fast, aware of the time.

“Hey,” Steve murmured, and she turned her head, looking at him.

“Hey,” she said, and she finally moved toward him again, feeling stupid for her awkwardness before.

He gave her a slow kiss to her lips, tasting of coffee and peanut butter, and Darcy pulled back, his thumb rubbing her cheekbone.

Tonight, it was going to happen tonight. Darcy swallowed, wanting him, pressing another kiss, short that time, to his lips.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” she whispered.

She departed quickly, not meaning to have sounded so ridiculously serious, but she felt it building again, the sense of belonging in Steve’s apartment. She wanted to fight against it, to protect herself. She knew Steve wouldn’t hurt her, she knew she could trust him. Things hadn’t worked out for her usually, in those other times when she’d given her heart to someone. Over the years, she did it less and less, until her ex Tom and others before him, when she hardly let a good thing get started before it was wrecked completely.

It was hard to explain to anyone that she was both desperately lonely and yet completely willing to stay closed off at all times. There was a comfort in what she knew, the solace of being single with high walls surrounding her since her mother died.

She knew she couldn’t conceal her feelings if she slept with Steve, and it felt inevitable now. She knew it meant something more than an itch to scratch, a flare of desire.

She practically ran out of his building, earphones in as she raced to work. She got there early, slipping into the back room, Carol’s arm around Maria, their backs to her. Maria turned her head and kissed Carol on the cheek.

Darcy felt something fit into place. She’d suspected it, and hadn’t asked if they were a couple. She didn’t want to assume that just because they were close and Jay referred to Maria as ‘Carol’s Maria’ from time to time, that they were anything more than friends. Darcy didn’t want a label for something that wasn’t really her business. And maybe it was a little homophobic to assume –

“Oh, hey,” Maria said, and Carol turned around, going pink.

“Hey,” Darcy said, hand jutting up in a brief wave. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Maria said, but Carol looked embarrassed, moving away to pick up a stack of papers, flipping them to seem occupied. “Carol’s in a bad mood.”

“I’m fine,” Carol retorted. Her tone changed to her Manager Voice. “How are you, Darcy? Jane said you swapped last night.”

“Yeah, my… friend – I was sitting for his kid again, he’s sick,” Darcy said, unsure if the word ‘friend’ was a little insulting at this point. “I’m heading back there after work, when Peter gets here.”

She knew on Thursdays Peter finished school around 2. Carol nodded, seeming pleased with her initiative. Maria nudged her hip with her own, Carol shooting her a little smile.

Darcy left them alone, wanting to punch the air.

_I knew it!_

Most likely it was common knowledge Carol and Maria were together, but it was never spoken about at work. Jane probably thought it wasn’t necessary for Darcy know, but Darcy was happy for them. Darcy was packing shelves with Quill at the front of the store when Carol came in, holding a notepad and pen, giving Darcy a smile she hadn’t before.

“Maria had an idea, for your friend,” she said. “It’s Steve, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Quill said, and Darcy glanced his way, unimpressed. “ _What?_ Everybody knows, including the truck guys, it’s annoying.”

“ _You’re_ annoying,” Carol said. “Maria’s idea was we put a box together for him and you take it to his place after work. Like a Get Well hamper.”

“Oh, that sounds amazing,” Darcy said, thinking of all the pasta she could make. “I was going to make some juices…”

They started to pack a box together out back, in between little rushes throughout the morning. Maria patted Darcy’s arm as they passed one another, and Darcy realized it was the best job she’d ever had, at this rundown little shop in Brooklyn.

Jane arrived mid-morning, holding up a toothbrush when she came to Darcy’s side at the juicer.

“Yours.”

“Thanks,” Darcy said, and she hooked her arm around Jane, giving her a brief hug.

Jane patted her back, frowning a little, since Darcy knew she wasn’t much of a hugger. By the time Peter arrived, the butterflies were back and Darcy was hoping she hadn’t imagined how Steve smiled at her that morning.

She took the box from the backroom, ducking her head in the little office on the way, seeing Maria and Carol together in front of the Mac Book, murmuring about orders.

“Hey, thanks,” Darcy said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Good luck,” Maria said, and Carol lifted her brows at her. “I mean, bye.”

“Bye,” Darcy said, laughing as she slipped back out.

Quill saluted her and she shook her head at him, smirking, unable to pretend the gesture wasn’t appreciated. Jane was busy with price tickets and Peter was juicing apples but they both still waved goodbye.

The walk back felt different. She wasn’t dragging her feet. She walked up to Steve’s door, knocking as she hitched the box further up in her arms, waiting.

She hadn’t expected Bucky to answer the door, her stomach dropping as he appeared in the doorway, eyes falling to her. His brows hiked and he leaned one arm against the doorframe.

“What the shit,” he murmured, staring at the box full of food and Riley gasped somewhere behind him.

“Uncle Bucky!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, and he winked at Darcy, before standing aside to let her through. “Steve said you’d show up.”

He took the box from her without asking, pressing a kiss to her cheek, while Darcy was trying to reorientate herself, feeling different as Steve’s best friend was here without warning. She walked over to Riley, but this time Steve wasn’t on the couch. She gave Riley a kiss to her forehead, following Bucky into the kitchen.

Steve was standing at the sink, his head turning as Bucky said:

“Look who’s here.”

His glanced at the box Bucky brought in and set on the table.

“Whoa,” he said.

Darcy stayed by the table, taking her bag off her shoulder, as Steve came over to look at the food she’d brought. She felt shy, a little too earnest for a whole other person to witness. She was relieved when Riley yelled from the living room.

“Uncle Bucky!”

“Yes, darlin’?” he yelled back, and he walked out, leaving Steve and Darcy alone.

Steve put up a hand. “Nat sent him, I didn’t know –”

“It’s fine,” Darcy said immediately. She wasn’t about to complain about his family being there. She could roll with the punches, if last night had proved anything.

“I’m a little pissed off,” Steve said, voice dropping. He moved toward Darcy, his hands coming up to cradle her face. “But Riley hasn’t seen him in a little while.”

He brushed his nose with hers, and Darcy closed her eyes as he kissed her, slow and thorough, deepening it with Darcy’s sigh to follow. He kept at it, until Darcy was pulling back, his lips bumping her cheek and then her temple, her hand curled in his shirt.

“You seem a lot better,” she whispered, and he nodded, smiling down at her.

“Scratch that, I’m kicking Buck out. Him and Riley,” he whispered, chasing her, but Darcy stepped back, Bucky’s footsteps prompting her.

He seemed utterly unperturbed by them making out in the kitchen, grabbing a packet of potato chips from the box and ripping them open, crunching loudly.

“Hell of a spread.”

“Thanks,” Darcy said, licking her lips as Steve cleared his throat, turning back to the sink. “What’re you two up to?”

“I think Riley’s about to head into a dragon phase.”

“It’s not a phase, it’s a lifestyle,” Darcy retorted, which seemed to be the right thing to say, Bucky bursting into a grin.

“Yeah…”

She went to sit on the couch, Riley coloring in a dragon in a book with a purple crayon. She flashed Darcy a smile, proud, which Darcy returned with ease.

Over the next few hours, she sat on the couch beside Steve as Bucky played with Riley on the floor, and by the time dinner rolled around Darcy felt the synchronicity from other times in the apartment. Everything felt safe and tender, blending with the anticipation she felt for when she’d finally be alone with Steve again.

It helped that his hand lay on the back of her neck, his thumb rubbing the top of her vertebrae as she chatted to Bucky about the store.

“He tell you about Italy?” Bucky said to her, nodding in Steve’s direction.

“A little,” Darcy said. “That he went with Jen during art school.”

“He wanted to stay,” Bucky said. “Eat pasta and pizza for the rest of his life. Didn’t even want to finish his degree.”

“How old were you?” Darcy said, glancing at Steve.

“About your age,” he murmured. He didn’t seem upset to be talking about the past for once.

Riley was eating pieces of ravioli, humming and scribbling in between bites, Elsa under her arm. Steve was watching his daughter, drawing in a breath, before his gaze fell to his watch, his hand slipping away from Darcy.

“Time to get you into a bath, Riley,” he said, and Riley groaned.

“No-oo-oo…”

“Come on,” he said, firm but friendly, tugging her by the hand.

Darcy watched them go, shifting in her seat, pulling her feet under her, leaning on the arm of the couch, Bucky’s eyes meeting hers.

“He doesn’t like to talk about her,” Darcy murmured, and Bucky nodded.

“It’s the best I’ve seen him in a while,” he said. “But I’m surprised he didn’t run out sooner, when you said the ‘J’ word.”

He rubbed his eye, face falling a little.

“I try not to think about her, too,” he murmured. “I try… I try to not judge her. Nat reminds me all the time it’s more complicated.”

“She sounded like she was depressed.”

“Steve – Steve was, too,” Bucky said haltingly. His eyes swung away as if to gather himself. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “He left the army ‘cause of me. Then I realized he’d lost his mind a little, too. He just carried it differently.”

His eyes shifted to Darcy’s hands in her lap, and he frowned, swallowing.

“I don’t have to tell you,” he began, and Darcy held her breath. “That _hurting_ him is something _I_ won’t handle well.”

He was warning her, like Darcy had with a few of Jane’s exes. She took a breath, letting it go, feeling her guts twist.

“No, you don’t have to tell me,” Darcy murmured. She felt a lump in her throat. “I get it.”

“You’re young,” he said, and Darcy blinked at him. “And he’s got Riley.”

“I know,” Darcy whispered.

“Sorry,” Bucky added, and he sat up a little straighter, reaching for his beer for a sip.

“It’s okay,” Darcy said, and she was standing up, moving to gather up some of Riley’s things to clean up the coffee table.

She stopped at the little notebook she recognised as Steve’s that he’d locked away last time she saw it, and she left it there, feeling Bucky’s eyes on her. She put the crayons and coloring book away on a shelf, picking up Riley’s bowl to take into the kitchen. She began to stack the rest of the dirty dishes away, hearing Steve and Bucky murmuring, opening and shutting the front door.

Steve appeared, stopping behind Darcy.

“Bucky said he had to go.”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” she murmured, trying to not replay his best friend’s words over and over like a mantra.

She was young and inexperienced. He had Riley to think of. He had more to lose than she probably knew. But she did know. She felt the same way, she just didn’t know how to tell Steve without making him feel worse.

They finished cleaning up, Darcy’s smile forced, but she was trying to push it away, the anxiety.

Maybe she wasn’t enough. Bucky had looked into her heart and found her wanting. He’d seen someone different to Jennifer, when she and Steve were still good. She didn’t want to think about that woman, somewhere out in the world, but she knew Steve did. He had to, every time she smiled back at him.

Was this all a huge mistake?

When they reached Riley, who was dressed in her pyjamas, tucked in bed and waiting to hear a story, Darcy knew she wasn’t doing anything badly. Riley was innocent and she’d never done anything to hurt her, she’d only ever felt right in being this close to her.

She sat beside Steve, his arm around her, as she read _The Hungry Caterpillar_ again.

They left Riley soon after, walking hand in hand back to the couch, and Steve was reaching for her, pulling her into his lap like the other night, Darcy hovering above him.

“Bucky give you a stern talking to?” Steve murmured, and Darcy was a little relieved, then.

“How could you tell?” she said, and he sighed.

“You put your armor back on,” he whispered.

She couldn’t lie, nodding a little, trying to not feel ashamed. She supposed he saw himself in that behaviour, that barrier between himself and her.

“He should be telling me to back off,” Steve whispered, and she frowned.

“Why?”

“Five year-old kid. I’m too old,” he murmured.

Darcy shook her head. “Those sounds like positives, not negatives to me.”

They only stared at one another for several moments, Darcy’s fingers tracing his face, breathing together as the TV played in the background.

“I wanna show you something,” he whispered, and Darcy held onto him as he shifted them both, leaning forward to reach for something on the coffee table.

It was his notebook. Darcy watched as he thumbed through it, the pages full of pencil sketches. He flipped to one page, holding it under her nose.

It was her. It was Darcy’s face. She saw the date in the corner of the page, feeling like the Earth was beginning to tilt.

“This was months ago,” she whispered.

“Yeah,” he said. “The day Riley met you.”

She felt her eyes smart and he put the book aside, hands holding her face again, leaning up to finally kiss her on the lips, and Darcy surrendered, breath hitching.

His tongue met hers and Darcy’s hands were in his hair, Steve’s hands slipping down to her curves. It was like the last time, heavy and warm, his arms strong and anchoring her to him, his fingers digging into the top of her ass cheek, his others deep in her hair.

He was sucking the air out of her, giving her everything, it was impossible for Darcy to keep it inside anymore, moaning softly as he pulled her apart with his lips and tongue…

“Bedroom?” he whispered, and she nodded, their lips bumping.

He wrapped her thighs around his middle and he carried her out, down the corridor, his hand cradling the back of her head as he cuddled her to him, placing her on her feet as he shut the door behind them.

He backed her into toward the bed until the back of her knees hit the mattress and she stumbled, Steve landing on top of her, the feeling of him pressing her down enough to make her roll her hips against his, feeling he was hard, another moan ebbing from her mouth.

She knew she was wet already, reaching for him, lips colliding in another searing kiss, Darcy’s fingers tugging on his hair, and then she was gliding them down, wanting more, her hands tugging at his shirt.

He peeled it off, tossing it on the floor, and Darcy pushed against him, hands on his chest, directing him back down for her to lay on top of him, her lips trailing down his skin. She studied his skin, the names and pictures he hid away. A tree on his side. A few stars scattered on his tummy. She kissed them all, Steve’s hand rubbing her back, before his hand was fisting in the back of her shirt – his shirt- yanking her back up, a surprised giggle falling from Darcy’s lips.

“Shh,” he whispered, and she pressed her lips together to try to smother the sound.

He kissed her hard, his spare hand slipping down to the waistband of her leggings, tugging, and Darcy shoved them down with her underwear, his hand moving between her thighs.

Her breath hitched and she broke off the kiss, looking down between them. Her knees were on either side of his hips but Steve had to push up the long shirt to get a better look of her, fingers moving through her slick.

“Christ,” he whispered. “God, you’re so beautiful…”

Darcy felt dizzy, a whimper escaping when he pushed two fingers inside her, his eyes darting from her cunt to her face and back again.

“Please,” she whispered, and he pressed on her clit with two fingers of his other hand.

“You took care of me,” he whispered, leaning up to kiss her, fingers working inside as he swiped her clit. “Let me take care of you…”

Darcy huffed, and the next kiss was open-mouthed and filthy and it was everything, her body tightening already, seeking the relief she’d craved for days. She rocked, gripping his fingers, and he was swapping hands, taking hold of the back of her neck, his thumb rubbing her clit and his fingers pushed and pulled –

“Steve –”

Darcy’s back arched and she came, the world dissolving, sweat breaking out all over, her face burning as she slumped forward, Steve catching her, wet fingers slipping out. She stayed with her face in his neck for a whole minute, panting as Steve stroked her back.

She moved back, staring into his eyes. He smiled at her, eyes shining back at hers.

“Come here,” he whispered, kissing her. “Come here, baby…”

They shifted, Darcy’s shirt pulled off, her bra following soon after, and Steve’s sweatpants were shoved down, kicked off his ankles, Darcy’s fingers already on the waistband of his boxer briefs to reach him, she wanted to tear them the fuck off –

“You okay?” he asked, and she pulled back from her wild scrambling, blinking at him. “You want this?”

“Yes,” she breathed, and he lifted his hips again, his underwear tugged down.

She hadn’t gauged how big he was from feel alone. His cock was thicker than Darcy had ever had before and uncut, Steve taking hold of his shaft as Darcy stared down at him.

“I’m on the pill,” Darcy said, and he nodded.

“It’s been a while,” he murmured, and Darcy wrapped her hand around him, bypassing his own hand, and he gave a little groan.

He began to pant as she stroked, catching her in a kiss, tugging her hair as he held her close, the crown of him rubbing against her belly, sweat and stickiness intermingling.

She could smell his musk, stroking him faster, Steve’s mouth ducking down to seal over her nipple like the last time – he sucked and pulled on it enough to make her hiss.

“I want you,” he breathed.

She moved back, aiming him upward, shifting to begin her descent. She took him inch by inch, grunting a little as he stretched her, their foreheads pressed together as she went still, full to the brim. Steve drew his knees up and kissed her, Darcy beginning to rock.

She was already gripping him in earnest, Steve’s hisses in her ears as she dictated her pace at first, before his fingers were digging into her hips, pushing back against her.

He licked his thumb, which seemed a little redundant but nonetheless thoughtful, pressing it to her clit, Darcy sucking in a breath.

“Please,” she gasped. “Please…”

Her nails dug into his arms as she rocked back and forth, working herself against his thumb and cock, her climax slamming into her, and she shuddered, gritting her teeth to keep the sound inside as she fell apart.

With little warning, Steve flipped her onto her back, tucking back inside her, arms wrapped around her as he drove into her, hitting a spot that made Darcy want to curl in on herself, still twitching from coming hard only moments ago – her ears were ringing as he fucked her hard and fast, the strength he had no longer kept in check. His kisses grew sloppy, he was still determined to be tender somehow, even when his thrusts were making Darcy whimper and plead.

Steve’s hand pushed the hair out of Darcy’s sweaty face, and he shushed her softly, Darcy’s head shaking when he whispered:

“Am I hurting you?”

She grabbed his wrist, placing his palm over her mouth to seal the sound inside her throat, and he picked up speed, Darcy’s body twisting beneath his.

She knew she was moaning, the sound ripped from her but still smothered by his hand. If he hadn’t do that, she’d be groaning long and loud as she came the final time, her fingers squeezed between their bodies.

He gave a moan by her ear, pushing up into her as he lost control, the sound soft but so raw as he came deep inside her, bucking until he had nothing left…

He stayed inside her, face in her hair, nose brushing the space behind her ear, both of them panting. It felt strange, the calm after the storm. Darcy waited, and he emerged, pulling out and falling on his back, their shoulders brushing.

Darcy ached, a kind of ache she hadn’t felt before. It felt good, knowing how she got that way, but her hand slipped down to cup her mound in case the mess began to spill out.

Steve’s eyes followed her hand, and he closed his eyes, passing a hand over his shiny face. He sucked in another breath, blinking hard.

“Hey,” Darcy whispered, turning onto her side, leaning over him to look him in the eye.

“This is gonna sound crazy,” he whispered, and he blinked up at her, throat bobbing.

“What, what is it?” Darcy whispered.

He took a while to answer her, hesitating, jaw ticking.

“At any given time, with two people,” he murmured. He swallowed again. “Two people being me and someone else, I feel like – I feel like one is in danger and the other is dangerous.”

“I’m not dangerous,” Darcy said, as clear as she could manage. “It’s not crazy, Steve.”

She got up, dealing with the clean-up, slipping down next to him a few minutes later, Steve’s arm wrapping around her shoulders.

“Tell me that wasn’t a one-time thing,” he whispered in the dark, sometime later, when Darcy was beginning to drift off.

“It’s not,” Darcy whispered back. “Go to sleep.”

 _I love you,_ she thought, after. It was when she heard his breathing slow down, signalling he’d fallen asleep.

_I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	11. xi. Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [the projection inside of this fic is astronomical](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXepJ5rtLxU)

_I know sometimes you feel alone_  
_I know some nights you wait by your phone_  
_I know you wish you had somebody to hold_  
_It don't have to be lonely being alone_  
**\- "Lonely" by Chloe X Halle**

_All the skeletons you hide_  
_Show me yours, and I'll show you mine_  
_All the bad dreams that you hide_  
_Show me yours_  
**\- "Savior Complex" by Phoebe Bridgers**

**xi. Baby**

Sometime in the night, she’d fallen asleep with Steve behind her, arms wrapped around her middle, his nose pressed to the space behind her ear.

Darcy had never slept naked with someone else before. Every time she’d slept over at a guy’s place, she’d redressed enough to not feel as self-conscious about her body. With Steve, it was so warm that clothing felt a little silly, even with the A/C on.

Darcy didn’t need an alarm. Riley burst in with a yell, Darcy startling and making herself smaller, Steve shielding her from view for the most part, the sheet covering her to her chin.

“What’s Darcy doing here?” Riley yelled, and Steve was half-awake, trying to come up with a decent answer.

“She wanted to… sleep over, and I thought the couch was too small,” he said, and Riley was frowning at them both.

Her instincts were probably telling her Steve was lying, but she wasn’t sure why. She held Elsa up.

“Elsa wants pancakes. Please,” she said.

She took off, leaving the bedroom door wide open. Darcy put a hand over her eyes and groaned, the romance completely gone. She leaned back on her elbows as Steve got up, retrieving a pair of underwear from his drawers, tugging them on.

Darcy didn’t know where her phone was. Probably out in the living room with a drained battery. She hesitated, unsure of what to say. Last night’s intensity had seemed to wear off, Riley interrupting their slumber that morning. Steve turned back, hitching his sweatpants on from last night.

Darcy knew she was staring at him, his chest and the body hair, his tattoos clearer in the morning light. He scrubbed his face.

“Sorry about her,” he said.

What was he doing? She remembered what he said about danger last night. The reverence of his lovemaking had broken down all Darcy’s resolve. She wondered how he was managing this, acting like they weren’t as close as she thought. Maybe she’d read into it too much…

“It’s fine,” she murmured, sitting up to wrap her arms around her knees.

He pulled on a clean shirt, pausing when he noticed she was still watching him, and he dropped his arms, his hands slapping his thighs as he drew in a breath.

“Let’s start that again,” he said, and he moved toward her, sitting on her side of the bed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good,” Darcy said, and he rubbed her arm.

“I gotta get her breakfast.”

“I need to go home,” Darcy said, and they both nodded. “Will you – will you call me?”

He nodded.

He slipped out of the bedroom, shutting the door. Darcy pulled her dirty clothes back on. She knew she could shower here, but she didn’t want to overstep anything. She didn’t want to break the spell by assuming she was welcome, by assuming she was something more than she was to him.

She only sipped some coffee when she came to sit at the kitchen table, Riley happily eating. She went to brush her teeth, wishing she could stay, but her fear was growing. She did need to go home and have time away. Time apart was meant to be good…

She gathered her hair into a bun on the top of her head, hitching her bag on her shoulder as Riley departed from the table, Steve stacking the dishwasher.

“You going?”

Darcy nodded, and he followed her out, Riley already sitting in front of the TV. Darcy gave her a quick hug goodbye, stopping at the front door as Steve opened it for them to step out.

She took his hand between her two, trying not to read too much into how he wasn’t kissing her now they were alone. They walked down to the foyer and Darcy put a hand on his chest.

“I’m gonna take the subway home,” she said, before he could offer cab fare.

“I still – uh, need to give you the money for yesterday,” he said, and Darcy felt her cheeks heat.

She had babysat for him yesterday even though he’d been there. She swallowed, shaking her head.

“Some other time, okay?” she said, and he nodded.

She didn’t want to argue with him this early in the day, not after last night. She felt a little sick when he glanced back at the staircase they’d descended.

“I’m gonna be swamped for a few days, I think,” he said. “Because I was sick, my projects didn’t magically go away…”

He sounded a little annoyed and Darcy nodded.

“Oh, totally,” she said, her words feeling empty. She’d rather sit for him while he was there, working. She’d do that for him and Riley. It didn’t mean he had to keep sleeping with her.

She might have to put aside everything she felt, she thought, as he gave her hand a little squeeze. She stood on tiptoe and kissed him, shutting her eyes, one hand on the side of his face.

He returned it, tasting of maple syrup, and he pulled back just as fast.

“See you.”

“Yeah, bye,” he breathed, and she ducked out of the building, tummy flipping.

She felt about twelve years old, a child he had to deal with on top of everything else. She knew what she wanted, but his reality was harsher than hers.

-

The next couple of days were torturous. Darcy couldn’t keep her mind of Steve and Riley, wanting to call or text him to tell him everything, but the idea of him knowing it all was too overwhelming.

She began to cry when she was home alone with too many cans of Whiteclaw, sniffling because she hoped he’d be chasing after her by now. He had Riley to worry about, though, and a job that was way more complicated than Darcy’s.

He hadn’t been avoiding her, but she didn’t see him at work. Jay told her Steve had been by, making some joke she didn’t absorb properly, forgetting it as soon as it was told. He’d asked for her, apparently. Darcy wished he’d call instead of texting.

She knew already that he left stuff out when he had texts, like how sick he’d been that week.

Jane, who’d had to deal with all of Darcy’s moods, lost all patience with her.

“Call him!” she yelled, when Darcy had brought up yet again how she didn’t know what she and Steve were. “Maybe he’s doing the same thing, staring at his phone like a fucking idiot and not talking to you about how he feels. Did you maybe think he’s terrified of you?”

_I’m not dangerous._

“Maybe,” Darcy said, a little alarmed from Jane’s outburst.

Jane’s were still wild, his hands up as she slammed the fridge shut.

“Jesus Christ…” she muttered to herself, walking out of the kitchen.

Darcy bit her lip, unlocking her phone. She thumbed through to her contacts, placing her phone to her ear when she pressed the Call button.

Steve answered after a few rings.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Darcy said. She swallowed. “It’s… it’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, yours, too,” he murmured. He gave short laugh. “I’m – what are you doing?”

“Literally nothing, except Jane just burst my eardrum,” Darcy muttered, flicking a stray crumb from her leg. She cleared her throat, planning to be honest again. “I kept annoying her with my boy angst.”

“Boy angst?” Steve repeated, a hint of irony to his tone. “Don’t tell me there are boys I have to worry about.”

“Um,” Darcy replied. “No. No, I don’t think so.”

“Good,” Steve said. “I don’t want to share you.”

 _Okay_ , Darcy thought, feeling her stomach flip. She thought about how she’d smelt his come on her for hours after they’d slept together, the musk blending with her own.

“When can I see you?” he asked, unprompted.

Darcy made a ridiculous little sound, half between a sputter and a giggle, rubbing her eyes.

“Um, tomorrow? Is it Sunday tomorrow?”

“Father’s Day?” he said, and Darcy felt an immediate shift in her, shutting her eyes.

She vaguely remembered wanting to remind herself some time ago about calling her father, knowing it was going to be a whole _thing_. She’d feel anxious, tense with anticipation, and then she’d have the fall out to feel for a few days afterwards.

“Yeah. It is,” she muttered.

“You okay?”

She must have sounded as irritated as she felt, and she sighed.

“Nothing. It’s just – I don’t like talking to my dad. I don’t like him talking to me, either. I don’t like seeing him, I don’t like knowing he’s out there with his wife and… I don’t _like_ my dad.”

The words had tumbled out and it occurred to her that this hadn’t come up before with Steve. She only ever talked to him about her life now, which didn’t involve John Lewis if she could help it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, after a pause. “I’m complaining about my dad when you don’t –”

“Darcy, it’s okay,” Steve cut in. “My dad died a long time ago. For the past couple of years, Bucky and Nat have come over for me to get a break.”

“So – we’d go somewhere together,” Darcy said, and Steve chuckled.

“I hoped. Can I see you?”

“Yes,” Darcy said, a little louder than she’d meant to. “I mean, I’d love to see you.”

-

She chickened out, emailing her dad a gift certificate and a little note about being busy with work. That was a lie, but she’d rather acknowledge him than not, knowing that talking to him later in the week once her guilt had set in would be far worse.

She spent the morning buzzing with anticipation, fluttery and attuned to the comings and goings of the whole apartment building. 

She’d texted him to meet her there, mid-morning. Jane was with Thor, which Darcy appreciated, though she knew it had nothing to do with giving her roommate privacy. Jane had been spending more time at his place, disappearing for whole days at a time.

When Darcy heard the knock on the door, she bounded over to answer it, taking a deep breath before she opened it.

“Hey,” she said on exhale, and he was staring down at her, smiling.

He greeted her with a short peck to her lips, like they’d done it so many times before, and Darcy smiled back at him, opening the door wide as he followed her through.

“It’s not really – uh, child-friendly,” Darcy said, waving a hand around.

She’d spent a lot of time tidying but the place was still undeniably cramped, and the cracks in the ceiling pointed out just how crappy her dwellings were.

“It’s a good thing I didn’t bring Riley, then,” he murmured, but he didn’t seem too bothered.

“Where did Bucky and Nat take her?” Darcy asked, as they sat down on the couch. She glanced at her empty mug sitting on the coffee table. “You want something to drink?”

“They went to the pool – you-?”

Darcy darted over to the kitchen, Steve staring after her, a little smile curling his lips.

“We’ve got water, um. Coffee. Tea. I could -?”

“Darce, come sit with me,” Steve murmured, patting the spot next to him on the couch.

Darcy obeyed, walking back to sit beside him, his arm now resting on the back of the couch, their eyes meeting again.

“I missed you,” he said.

“Missed you, too,” Darcy whispered.

His hand slipped down, touching her neck, rubbing her. Darcy shifted, turning her body into his, Steve’s other hand on her thigh.

-

Within minutes, Darcy was on her back, arching from her bed, Steve’s head between her thighs, her dress hitched up, his tongue pressing up inside her.

“Oh, _fuck_ …”

His attentiveness was overwhelming, the way he plied her apart with his tongue and lips, tasting her and groaning, his thumb pressing to her clit as Darcy tried to keep anchored to her own body.

No-one had done this to her before – made her scramble and whimper with their mouth on her, breathing her in and licking her all up. He was _enjoying_ it, eating her out, eyes closed as he panted his warm breath against her center, wet sounds following as he went back in for more.

She was shivering and trying to twist away, simultaneously pushing against his face, her fingers feeding through his hair, gripping his scalp when he began to suck on her clit, pushing two fingers inside and curling them.

“Oh – oh – oh – _oh_ … _!”_

She sucked in a breath, moaning as she came, hips lifting off the bed, Steve determined to ride it out with her. She settled back down, panting and covering her face with her hands, aware of Steve pulling back with a few kisses to her thigh, rubbing his hand on her knee and leg.

He crawled back up, settling between her thighs, brushing the hair from Darcy’s sweaty face, his smile making her stomach flip as he stared down at her.

“That feel good?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, and she watched him turn his face into his shoulder, wiping her arousal away.

She felt braver, pushing her hands against his chest, and he let her move him onto his back, moving her face down his shirt, pressing kisses to the material, until she was kneeling by him, hands going to his belt, sound of her unbuckling it making it all the more real.

Her eyes swung to Steve’s as she reached inside his underwear, pulling him out, the smell of his musk in the air.

She opened her mouth, laying the crown of him flat against her tongue, wrapping her lips around him. His chest rose and fell, eyes on her as he leaned on his elbows.

He was as hard as the first time he was inside her, twitching, warm velvet as Darcy began to suck and move her head up and down, allowing him further in…

He gave a little sigh, head falling back as Darcy took him all the way down, her throat flexing around him as she willed herself to relax.

He let out a groan, like it was a relief any of this was happening. Darcy felt a little burst of pride, knowing she was the one drawing these sounds from him, his hand moving toward her, rubbing her shoulder.

She began to suck and stroke him with what she couldn’t fit in her mouth, twisting at the end, the old technique she’d hoped she’d mastered over the years. She liked to think her enthusiasm showed. Steve’s hand gripped her tighter when she pulled back each time, suckling on the tip of him, her other hand slipping down to cup his balls.

_“Baby –”_

The word seemed to slip out of him, another groan following, bitten back when Darcy sucked him straight down again, the deepest she could manage with the angle, everything slippery.

When Steve came this time, she saw his face. His brow furrowed as his eyes flew shut, his body taut as she could see a tendon standing out on his neck. His come hit the back of her throat and Darcy swallowed it down, Steve panting as his fingers finally curled into her hair. She was determined not to waste a drop, pulling back when he’d stopped twitching, swiping her tongue over what was left.

His hand cupped her jaw as she panted along with him, her hand still wrapped around him, and she leaned against his hip bone with her cheek, sighing as she cleared her throat as best she could – she had forgotten the congested feeling that came with it.

“Come up here…”

He tucked himself away, his belt still undone as he pulled her into his arms, Darcy’s face on his chest as they lay on top of her blankets, Steve’s head resting on her pillow.

_Steve’s head was resting on her pillow._

She knew she was in love, but she didn’t want to say it, in case he felt obligated. A blow job could make a man say all types of things, Darcy had been there before. She let herself relax into his touch, his fingers stroking her hair, his lips brushing her head.

-

They arrived at the pool an hour later, Riley greeting them with her towel wrapped around her, shivering and beaming up at them.

Darcy and Steve had showered together, but she could feel Nat and Bucky’s eyes taking them in, how loose Steve was now. It was obvious they’d been up to something.

Darcy kept thinking back to before, the way he’d made love to her with his mouth, how he’d smiled down at her when she passed him a washcloth in the cramped shower stall. She’d mapped out the tattoos in the shower, glancing up at him as she brushed a finger over each piece.

“Eagle,” he murmured.

“Which one was your first?” Darcy asked, and he rolled his shoulder a little to show her the bull on his arm.

“My mom was a Taurus,” he said, and Darcy nodded, passing a thumb over it. “Some of them are dumber. Tackier.”

“I love them all,” Darcy murmured, and Steve watched her admiring his skin, shaking his head a little.

 _Riley_ was on his ribs, right by his heart. Darcy didn’t see a _Jennifer_ anywhere.

Walking to the pool, they’d mostly been quiet, but Darcy didn’t take it as awkward at all.

Bucky pulled her into a hug.

“You alright?” he murmured, and she nodded, smiling at him.

He probably regretted the shovel talk last time he saw her, but Darcy knew it came from a place of love. Riley clung to her next, shivering.

“Elsa was holding her breath under the water,” Riley declared, and Darcy could see the doll was currently drying beside Nat on the patch of grass they were sitting on.

“Oh, wow,” Darcy said, and the rest of the adults were chuckling.

“Are you going swimming?”

“Maybe another day,” Darcy said. “You get lunch?”

“We were gonna get hotdogs,” Bucky said, and Darcy made a point to raise her eyebrows.

“ _The_ hotdogs I’ve heard so much about?” she said, and Riley began to giggle.

Bucky pulled a shirt on, asking Nat she wanted before he winked at Darcy, smacking Steve’s shoulder.

“Father’s Day, it’s on you, punk,” he said, grinning.

“That’s not really how it works,” Steve retorted.

He turned to Darcy as Bucky took off toward the cart on the other side of the pool to stand in the line. His hand on her shoulder, he searched her gaze.

“You hungry?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, feeling watched by Nat.

“Good,” he said, and he pressed a kiss to her lips, light and natural, in full view of his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	12. xii. Happy Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's angst, that's all I can say.

_No you don't need my protection_   
_But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking_   
_I love in your direction, hoping that the message goes_   
_Somewhere close to you_   
**\- "Close To You" by Rihanna**

**xii. Happy Birthday**

The next two weeks were magical.

Darcy fell into the girlfriend role with ease. Steve made it easy. She worked and stayed over at his place almost every night. He asked her every time he knew her shift was ending at the store. Some days he’d come pick her up and they’d walk with Riley between them as the sun set, the summer nights drawing out the days longer and longer.

Everything felt dreamy and warm. Darcy found herself laughing more at work, smiling without it feeling put on at all. She was picking up some of Jay’s Italian. She made fun of Quill as much as he ragged on her. She hugged Peter a couple of times when he said something especially sweet, in his fumbling teenager way. She talked to Thor on FaceTime when she checked in with Jane one night.

She didn’t have to think it over at all when Steve asked her about going away with him for the Fourth of July weekend. Darcy hadn’t forgotten it was also his birthday. She nodded, watching him try to keep his excitement in as he told her about Sam’s lake house upstate.

She still felt a little new to the dynamic of his group of friends, but they never made her feel like an outsider anymore. She checked in with Jane, finding she already had plans in place to meet Thor’s parents that weekend.

If he were another guy, Darcy would anticipate Jane’s flurry of nervous messages about it, but she and Thor seemed to be thoroughly loved-up. Meeting the parents would be daunting, but Jane seemed secure enough in herself about it.

Darcy packed more than two options for swimwear, not sure of how confident she would be in her body until she reached the lake. Her suitcase turned out to be smaller than Riley’s, made the more obvious when they packed it into the backseat of Sam’s car. Darcy had helped her pack and knew she’d brought a lot of toys and not just Elsa for once.

Steve didn’t have any issue with it. They knew weren’t taking their DVD up there for her to watch _Frozen_ so they were encouraging ways to cope with withdrawals. This included a CD of the soundtrack to be played in the car, which Steve handed to Sam with an apologetic smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Steve muttered, turning back to look at Riley grinning up at them. “You ready?”

“I can’t find the bug spray,” Darcy said, and Steve lifted his brows.

“Shoot. I meant to get some,” he said.

Sam shook his head. “I don’t have any here. Plenty up at the lake.”

Steve looked at Riley. “I don’t want her eaten alive on the way there. _Frozen_ ’s not gonna help you get through that…”

Steve was planning on taking Darcy, while Bucky and Nat were on their way over shortly to go with Riley and Sam in the one car.

“I’ll go with her to the store,” Sam said, shrugging. Darcy appreciated how mellow he was. He pointed behind him in the vague direction he needed to go by foot to reach the convenience store. “Right now. You two wait for Bucky and Nat.”

Sam offered Riley his hand and she took it, Elsa in her other hand. Sam flashed a smile, setting off with her.

“Don’t let go, Riley!” Steve called after them, and Darcy touched his arm.

“She’s okay. Sam’ll sooner jump in front of a bullet than let anything happen to her.”

Steve’s attention was back on her, a smile forming as Sam and Riley began to shrink in the distance. Darcy felt her tummy flip as Steve’s eyes changed, his hand slipping down to her waist to give her a squeeze.

He moved her around, hand on the small of her back now, walking them back toward his building, leaving Sam’s car – he’d thankfully locked it before taking Riley’s hand – reaching to open the door, pulling her inside the foyer. He kicked the apartment door shut and kissed her, Darcy laughing into it, her arms looping around his neck.

It was as if Darcy had never felt so touched or had so much attention in all her life.

Steve took hold of her waist, lifting her up and catching her, carrying her down the corridor to his room where he set her back on her feet.

“We don’t have a lot of time,” Darcy whispered, and began to giggle again as Steve kissed her throat, hands slipping cupping her chest over her dress.

Darcy lay on her back, Steve’s hands leaving her to unbuckle his belt, her breaths already turning to panting as she watched him shuck down his pants enough to get his cock free, her hands under her dress to tug of her underwear, their bodies rearranging as Steve caught her in another kiss, everything rushed –

Darcy let out a soft gasp as he pushed inside her, hips already beginning to move, the stretch scrambling her brain, her hands gripping his shirt for purchase.

They weren’t going to have a chance to do this again for a couple of days, and they’d been having a lot of sex in the last couple of weeks.

They locked eyes, smiling at each other, Darcy’s body gripping his as he slammed into her.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he breathed, moving down to kiss her again, hips picking up speed.

He kept going, until Darcy was starting to keen against his lips, breaking away from her to slow down, his hand slipping under her skirts to reach where they joined.

“There?” he whispered, and she nodded, arching her back as he rubbed her clit.

He began to move again, thrusts shallow at first before turning sharper, both of them panting, lips smacking as they kissed, everything narrowing to a pinpoint between Darcy’s thighs.

“Fuck,” she moaned, eyes squeezing shut as she came, Steve grunting in response, following her soon after.

He drew back, pink-cheeked, his hair sticking up, and Darcy began to laugh, cupping his face with her sweaty hand. He turned his head to the side to kiss her palm.

There was a distant knocking and Steve’s eyes widened, a sheepish chuckle falling out of him.

“Shit, I bet that’s Bucky –”

He pulled out of her, kissing her a couple times, Darcy’s hands pushing him back. He wiped his sweaty face with his arm, shoving clothes back into place as Darcy got up, retrieving her undies from the floor as Steve slipped into the corridor, shutting the door behind him.

From the low murmurs, Darcy knew it was Bucky. She managed to sneak into the bathroom and catch her breath, cleaning up and trying to not seem so well-fucked.

When she finally walked into the living room, Bucky and Nat glanced her way, Bucky’s smirk suppressed as his wife shot him a look.

“You ready?” Bucky said to her, once he’d given her a hug hello.

“Never been on a motorbike before,” Darcy said, doing her best to steer the conversation away from whatever innuendo could arise.

Steve met her gaze, handing her a helmet. “We don’t have to –”

She rose her brows for effect and Nat gave a little smile in the corner of her eye.

“It was, in fact, _my idea_ ,” Darcy said.

Steve had told her about his motorcycle gathering dust. Since he had Riley, he’d been reluctant to use it as often as he used to. Darcy got it into her head that if they used it that weekend and he didn’t enjoy it, maybe then he could decide whether or not to get rid of it. It couldn’t hurt to try, and Darcy had been more open to potential fun with him, if the weekend getaway meant anything.

Downstairs, Darcy hopped on the bike, Steve turning to inspect her, snapping her helmet shut when she put it on.

“We’ll meet you there,” Bucky called. “Don’t die.”

He and Nat rose their hands in farewell, slipping into the car with Sam and Riley. If Riley was concerned about the well-being of her dad, she wasn’t showing it, instead playing with Elsa in the backseat with Nat beside her, Bucky in the front with Sam.

Steve snapped his helmet shut, Darcy’s arms wrapping around his middle, her heart beginning to race as he switched the engine on, the beast coming to life. She was thankful for the leggings she’d put on minutes ago, since her dress was already trying to fly up when they took off from the curb, slipping into the traffic.

Darcy knew she could trust Steve to not be completely reckless, but she still gripped him for dear life, her stomach dropping when he first sped onto the highway. She kept needing to shut her eyes, feeling like she could fly, the engine roaring, the wind going straight through her.

They finally stopped an hour later. Darcy sensed Steve didn’t need to, it was for the sake of checking in with her. She pulled the helmet from her head, gulping the fresh air, his gloved hands on either side of her face.

“You good?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she breathed, even though she knew she’d been terrified only minutes before.

She’d begun to settle into it, if that were possible. All she had to do was hold on, trust Steve would keep her safe. He’d done that so far, pulling her into a short kiss before they put their helmets back on.

-

When they arrived at the lake house, Riley came running down from the deck, arms wide as Darcy dropped to her knees to hug her.

“You didn’t die!” she said, when Darcy pulled back from the hug.

So she had been listening to Bucky. He appeared in the front doorway, squinting with a distinct sheepishness directed at Steve.

“Harmless,” he said, as Steve shot him a look, jaw ticking. “It’s harmless!”

Steve walked past him to duck inside, muttering:

“You wanna explain death to a five year-old this weekend? Be my guest…”

Bucky smirked all the same, watching as Riley tugged Darcy up the steps, opening the door wide for them both.

The lake house resembled a log cabin, but not without most of the luxuries of the city. There was enough room for Bucky and Nat to have their own room, while Steve and Darcy would be squeezing into the same room as Riley, her camp bed at the foot of theirs. Sam showed her the view of the lake from the back porch, then the spa on the corner of the deck.

“Oh, wow,” Darcy murmured.

“Yeah, it’s my pride and joy,” Sam said, smiling at Darcy’s awe.

Everything was so green, and she was such a city slicker, made more obvious by how she kept missing the mosquitoes landing on her bare arms before it was too late.

“You need that spray,” Sam said, and Darcy nodded. “Especially if we’re out on the lake.”

Darcy slipped into the bedroom after Riley emerged in her little swimsuit, Elsa hanging by one arm. She contemplated her clothes and felt a little too self-conscious for her own liking, stripping off to tug on her high-waisted bikini, wrapping a sarong around her middle. With her hair in two long braids, she headed out into the living room, Steve’s head turning toward her.

He blinked. “Hey.”

“Okay, let’s go before your daddy starts drooling,” Bucky murmured, hoisting Riley onto his back and walking out of there.

Darcy felt her cheeks heat, she and Steve lingering as Sam and Nat followed Bucky out the door. Steve kissed her, with a heat that made Darcy start to giggle, her blush deepening, his hands on her wide hips.

He broke away, another press to her forehead, letting out a breath as his hand went to adjust himself in his dark swimming trunks.

They walked down to the pier hand in hand, Bucky kneeling for Riley to take off the rest of the way on foot. She took a running jump into the lake, squealing, and Steve let out a chuckle.

She was wearing her inflatable armbands so he didn’t seem troubled by her being so eager to launch herself into an open body of water, and Bucky was quick to follow with a yell, canon-bombing and splashing his niece.

Nat sat on the edge of the pier, feet in the water as Sam put down the cooler, opening it to take out beers to pass around.

“Riley, you want apple juice now or later?” he asked. “I can put it in a wine glass at dinner…”

“You what?” Steve said, uncapping a bottle with the opener, passing it to Darcy wordlessly. “I wouldn’t trust her with glass –”

“It’s plastic,” Sam said, shrugging a shoulder.

“I’m giving her a tattoo later,” Nat said, lowering her shades. “We haven’t decided on the design yet, though.”

Steve gave Nat a long look, Darcy beginning to giggle.

“Temporary, of course,” Nat added. She rose her voice. “Riley, you want a unicorn?”

“Bloody heart with a knife stuck through it!” Bucky yelled from the water, and Nat began to chuckle.

“Fuck all of ya,” Steve muttered, putting his bottle to his lips.

Bucky had a single tattoo on his chest, over his heart – N.A.R. – which Darcy suspected was his wife’s initials. She asked about it, pointing to her own chest.

“Natalia Alianovna Romanova,” he said, arms resting on the edge of the pier, hand reaching out to touch his wife’s ankle.

“Big fucking softie,” Darcy heard Nat whisper.

He winked at her, pushing back and deliberately knocking into Riley, who yelled out in protest. Steve put his beer aside and stood up straight, his back to the water.

“Show off,” Nat said, and Steve gave Darcy a little salute, before looking down at his feet and taking a deep breath.

He did a backflip, Darcy’s eyes widening as she took a pull of her beer.

“What the hell?” she half-squeaked, covering her mouth a second later. “Since when?”

“Since always,” Bucky said, giving Steve a hearty shove when he emerged from the water. “You comin’ in or what?”

“Soon, I’m thinking about it,” Darcy retorted. “I don’t see you harassing Nat.”

“Because he knows not to,” Nat murmured, drink to her lips.

“I can speed up the process,” Steve said, swimming over and leaning up on his arms in an attempt to reach Darcy.

He managed to plant a quick kiss on her lips, wet from the lake water, and Darcy pushed him back.

“Either of you tug me in, I’m knocking you on your asses. I don’t care.”

The men and Riley swam around while Nat and Darcy lay on the pier, talking and drinking. It wasn’t until Darcy was buzzed by three beers that she felt comfortable enough to take off her sarong, aware of Steve’s eyes on her as she stood up, assessing the water.

She held her nose and jumped in, resurfacing, Steve right by her, hitching her into his arms.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered, moving them in a little circle, their noses brushing.

-

As the afternoon faded into night, they went back to the house to start barbecuing. Darcy could see neighbors across the lake doing the same. Sam rose a hand to a figure in the distance, smiling.

The men were arguing about hotdogs for some unknown reason as Riley played with Elsa on the deck, Darcy and Nat slipping into the spa. The men had switched to bourbon. Darcy didn’t want to overdo it, watching Steve become a little louder over time, his baseball cap appearing and sitting backwards on his head as he guffawed with his friends.

“Hey, peanut gallery!” Nat called, interrupting their hooting. “The ladies are starving.”

Darcy watched as Nat gathered up her hair into a little bun, the slope of her neck on display. Her back looked incredible, so toned, Darcy’s body so different…

She pushed those thoughts aside, seeing Steve yet again catch her eye, watching her from a distance, her chest peeking out from the water. Darcy felt like she was at a college party, though she’d never been invited to one.

“I’ll get the salads out,” Darcy said, and Nat frowned a little.

“Make them do it,” Nat said, waving her off, but Darcy still rose from the water, dripping as she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around her middle.

She walked across the deck, giving Riley a little smile on her way through, the air inside much cooler, the whole house smelling of the barbecue as she wandered through to the kitchen.

She opened the fridge, taking out one giant bowl of Caesar salad to place it on the counter. As she turned back to the fridge, she sensed someone come up behind her.

She turned her head in time for Steve to catch her in a kiss, his hands coming up to hold her face, Darcy’s head tilting, his tongue pushing past her lips. Darcy gave a soft sigh, Steve’s lips bumping her cheek as she pulled away, one of his hands slipping down to grip her ass.

“Jesus, Steve…”

He had to be drunk, he usually wasn’t this blatantly sexual with company. Granted, everyone else was outside, but they were still close enough for Darcy to believe his inhibitions were in rapid decline.

“You look so cute, with your hair and your…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Darcy said, pushing him back, grabbing another bowl from inside the fridge and put it next to the other one.

She kissed him as she shut the fridge door, light-headed with good feelings, Steve smiling back at her, nuzzling her.

“I wanna go down on you so bad,” he whispered.

She couldn’t promise anything, so she shook her head, kissing his cheek. His stubble rubbed her as he nuzzled her shoulder, before they both broke apart and each took a bowl to the deck outside.

-

Riley had to be carried inside for bed, she’d more or less passed out on the floor when the sun had set. It was well past her bedtime, the crickets in the background as Steve lay her down, Darcy’s hand brushing the hair away from her face.

“Come on,” she whispered, tugging Steve by the hand back out.

Bucky, Nat and Sam were in deep discussion as they returned, drinking with music playing softly from the speakers behind them, a playlist Darcy put on that she usually kept for work.

Darcy sat on Steve’s lap in the deck chair, his hand rubbing her back in small circles as he nursed his drink. It was clear Bucky was the drunkest of them all, yelling out at one point:

“I fucking love Dolly Parton!”

“Shhh, shut up,” Nat chided, putting her hand over his mouth, pulling her into him, kissing his cheek. “Riley is sleeping.”

“She might not be now,” Steve mumbled, but he seemed too loose to care.

There was a resonating bang from behind them and Darcy glanced up, seeing a burst of fluorescent pink in the sky, another firework set off by a neighbor.

“Whoa…”

“What time is it?” Sam asked, consulting his phone’s clock. “Nearly midnight.”

“How close?” Nat asked, and Sam grinned.

“Like, two minutes.”

“Two minutes until you’re thirty-three, dude,” Bucky said, words slurring, blinking slowly. “It’s all downhill from here.”

“Thanks, buddy,” Steve retorted. “Fucking jerk…”

As they began to countdown, Darcy’s eyes met Steve’s and he smiled at her, joining in. Everyone but Steve was yelling as Sam held his phone aloft, the marimba alarm going off:

“Happy Birthday!”

Darcy kissed him, Steve laughing into it. When they broke apart, Steve was being hit on his shoulders by Sam and Bucky, Nat laughing from her chair.

They watched more fireworks, the colors reflected in the lake, everything glowing and fading again and again.

Darcy settled against his chest, his arms around her, stroking her hair, Bucky busy laughing along badly to a song. Sam began to join in, and then Darcy was humming, Steve’s lips brushing her forehead.

There was a prolonged buzzing coming from the floor beneath them and Darcy sat up a little, seeing Steve’s phone lighting up.

“Someone’s calling you.”

She handed him the phone, but there was no caller ID. He frowned a little, placing the phone to his ear, Darcy getting off him so Steve could step aside to take it.

Darcy watched his back as his hand fell to his side, his whole body going still as he listened to the caller. She couldn’t make out his murmurings.

He finally turned back as Sam was talking about gentrification yet again, Bucky nodding along with him. Darcy swallowed, waiting for Steve to say something.

He rubbed his eye.

“Uh, that was Jen.”

Sam, Bucky and Nat all turned their heads toward him. Steve took a deep breath.

“Yeah, she – she was wishing me a Happy Birthday. And – and she wants to come to see Riley.”

Darcy felt as if her stomach could fall out of her, staring at Steve being eerily quiet, when moments ago he’d been so expressive and warm. He wasn’t looking anyone in the eye as he said this.

 _Look at me_ , she begged.

“Just like that? She calls and she’s coming to Brooklyn?” Bucky snapped.

“Bucky,” Nat murmured, reaching to touch his arm.

“No. No, fuck that,” Bucky said, voice rising. “She calls you tonight, of all nights? That’s fucked up. Is she coming back for good, or is she gonna -?”

“She’s my kid’s mom,” Steve cut in, still looking away.

“We can talk about this in the morning,” Nat said, and Steve shook his head, barely detectable.

“I said yes already. Sorry, I need…”

He walked off, Darcy’s heart beginning to race as she stared after him. She sucked in a breath, wiping away a tear as she heard Bucky start up again. She hadn’t realised she’d begun to cry.

“You think she’s gonna try something like last time? Try to get back with Steve?”

“What?” Darcy said, glancing their way finally, frowning. She sniffed. She had no urge to weep but the tears still fell. “What do you mean?”

She swiped at her face and Nat bit her lip, hesitant to say.

“The last time she came back, Steve let her stay with him. They were going to get back together.”

Darcy set off before anymore could be said, aware of Sam calling after her, but he was ignored. She spotted Steve in the distance, her breaths coming in huffs as she marched down to the pier.

“Steve,” she said, and he bristled. “Steve.”

“I just want to be alone for a minute, sweetheart,” he murmured, and the pet name was not appreciated. Not at a time like this.

Darcy felt a fierceness rise up in her, her hands balling into fists.

“You have to fucking talk to me!” she yelled.

He turned, eyes a little wider. The crickets filled the tense silence and Darcy sucked in another shaky breath.

“What did she say?”

“She said she knew Riley was starting kindergarten next month. She wants to see her,” he said.

He looked deeply uncomfortable, his own hands balled into fists.

“Right. So,” Darcy said, her voice stiff. “What are you gonna do?”

“I have to try,” Steve said, and Darcy swallowed hard.

Darcy forced herself to nod. It wasn’t something she had any business dictating. She couldn’t demand she stay away. She couldn’t bar her from the whole of Brooklyn. If Riley meant anything to Darcy, which she did, she deserved a chance at knowing her mother.

“Yeah,” she said, voice breaking. She swiped at her eyes. “I’m going to bed.”

She turned her heel, putting a hand over her mouth to keep the noise in as she stalked back up the path.

“Darcy!”

She didn’t want to turn around. She didn’t want to keep the conversation, it was too painful. It was late and Darcy didn’t have the energy. She didn’t want to ruin the weekend. It was Steve’s birthday. She kept piling up the reasons to not say another word on the subject, when deep down, the simplest answer was that she didn’t want to fight with Steve.

She never got much further than a couple fights with a guy before everything fell apart completely. She didn’t think she’d make it this time, if this was another relationship that failed.

“Baby,” he called, sounding wretched. “Baby, _please_ …”

She didn’t stop walking until she got to the bedroom, where Riley was sound asleep. She lay on the bed, her back to the door, squeezing her eyes shut, praying for the silence of sleep.

Maybe this time her heart wouldn’t survive another beating. She thought of her mother then, sitting on the edge of her bed, giving her a stern look, telling her to pick herself up again.

Life goes on. She heard that over and over again, all her life, all through the grief.

 _Life goes on?_ Darcy thought. _Maybe that’s not a good thing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	13. xiii. As You Hoped

_Girl, let's talk about love_  
_Is it anything and everything you hoped for?_  
_Or do the feeling haunt you?_  
_I know the feeling haunt you_  
**\- "All The Stars" by Kendrick Lamar & SZA**

**xiii. As You Hoped**

Steve came into the bedroom sometime after Darcy laid down to try to shut out the world.

She was angry with him, and she hated that. He was trying to keep Riley’s best interests at heart, and she was making it about them, _their_ relationship. She knew it wasn’t right. He’d choose his kid over anyone. He had so many times before. Darcy was angry because the bubble had burst, and she’d been in the dark for months about so many things.

She hadn’t asked questions, either. She hadn’t asked what she wanted to know. She’d hoped in time he’d tell her. He’d tell her more about Jen and why it didn’t work out. She’d begun to ignore that itch to know painful pasts. She wanted to stay in their happy little enclosure of family and sex. It was the perfect summer romance she’d never had before.

Instead of ignoring him completely, since it was impossible anyway, Darcy tugged his hand without turning over, pulling him in so he settled against her back, his arm wrapped around her middle. He didn’t kiss her or grip her curves appreciatively. It was tender, something she’d grown accustomed to because of Steve.

She didn’t sleep well, waking alone in the bedroom, seeing the rumpled sheets next to her, Riley’s camp bed in the same state at the foot of the bed. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, feeling too warm. She stripped off her clothes from the night before, listening out for voices, not hearing Steve among the kitchen crowd. Riley was laughing and yelling at Bucky and Sam, Nat’s distinct husky murmur cutting in every so often. Darcy liked them all too much, and they made it so easy to like them.

She stepped out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind her with a soft click, then walked out to the kitchen. Steve wasn’t there, that’s what she noticed first. Then she saw Bucky’s face slacken from the broad smile he had seconds before he noticed her arrival. Sam and Nat were doing a better job than him at concealing what they felt, if they had any opinion on last night at all. Riley turned in her chair, mouth full of pancake.

“Hi, Darcy!”

“Hi, hon,” Darcy murmured, pushing back her hair to kiss her forehead. “Where’s Daddy?”

“He went for a run,” Bucky said, and Darcy looked his way, as Sam began to talk to Riley again, something about the Loch Ness monster.

Instead of getting scared like Darcy had the first time she learned about the fabled creature, Riley was jiggling in her chair, wishing aloud there was a similar animal living in the lake below the house.

Darcy sat down in the empty chair between Bucky and Sam, grabbing an empty mug to fill with coffee, sipping it gratefully. She bit into a strawberry, letting herself settle into the room, assuming the position of listener rather than storyteller, as she was inclined to be when Riley was present.

“Finish drinking your juice before you leave the table,” Nat murmured, pushing the glass toward Riley, which she took and put to her lips.

She seemed perfectly content, which helped. It was hard to stay in a crappy mood when Riley was happy. Another five minutes later, she was taking off to go swim in the lake, hand in hand with Nat and Sam, Bucky lingering behind.

Darcy felt uneasy, watched as she drained her mug and filled it up again, putting it to her lips.

“What?” she said, when the silence had stretched out between them for too long, Bucky’s arms folded as their eyes remained locked.

“When he was here earlier, he said he was surprised you stayed all night,” he murmured, and Darcy gave a little laugh, a nervous one as she rolled her eyes in attempt to lighten the mood.

“How the fuck was I supposed to do that?” she said, with a shrug for good measure. “Carjack Sam? Or steal Steve’s bike?”

“It’s what Jen would have done,” Bucky said, finally looking away, toward the screen door his wife had exited moments ago.

“I’m not Jen,” Darcy said. “Unless I _am_ a lot like her. I wouldn’t know –”

“You’re not,” Bucky cut in, their eyes meeting once more.

He gave a short sigh. They fell into silence and Darcy drank her coffee, waiting for him to say more, but instead they were interrupted by approaching footsteps, Steve appearing in the doorway, sweaty and still short of breath. He changed when he caught sight of Darcy, pressing his lips together as he let himself in.

Bucky got up from his chair without a word, leaving them alone, smacking Steve’s arm on his way out.

Steve remained standing and Darcy patted Bucky’s chair beside her.

“Sit down.”

He obeyed, forearms on the table, passing a hand over his sweaty face. Darcy poured him a glass of water from the jug in the middle of the breakfast spread and passed it to him. He took a sip, his breath fogging up the glass.

He swallowed, jaw ticking a couple times. He was hurting, that wasn’t difficult to discern. Darcy wasn’t going to take that away from him by pretending everything was okay, though. She waited, leaning her chin in her hand, her elbow on the table.

Steve stared at his hands for a good minute before he let his gaze drift to hers.

He was _really_ hurting. He swallowed.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry about last night. I’m sorry I tried to shut you out. I’m sorry I’ve tried to push you away over and over again.”

Darcy licked her lips, nodding. “Well, you’re my first divorced guy. It’s been a steep learning curve.”

Steve’s lips quirked ever so slightly. Darcy smirked.

“You have been resisting me.”

“It’s been hard,” Steve muttered. “I wanted you closer but I didn’t know how to do that without hurting you. You didn’t push –”

“As you hoped,” Darcy cut in, unable to help herself.

“Yeah,” he whispered. He drew in a shaky breath. “Yeah.”

“It’s never good, mixing family with relationships,” Darcy said. “I probably should’ve stayed babysitter.”

“Probably,” Steve conceded, but neither of them sounded sad as they said it.

“But you couldn’t help yourself,” Darcy whispered.

She reached for him, placing her hand over his. For a couple seconds, he didn’t respond, until he turned his hand to thread their fingers together, his eyes on where they joined.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, humor gone.

“It’s okay,” Darcy said, because it was. She didn’t need to forgive him for something she would have done in the same position. “You want what’s best for Riley.”

The silence that passed between them then was filled with distant sounds of the lake, the clock in the kitchen ticking, and one another’s breathing. Darcy scooted a little closer, their eyes meeting once more.

“Do you love her?” she asked.

She didn’t need to give context. It was obvious she meant Jennifer. He shook his head.

“No.”

“Since when?” she asked, and he blinked a couple times.

“Since… since the last time she left,” he murmured.

Two years ago. They’d been divorced longer than that. Darcy didn’t know how to wrap her head around it, a person leaving another and still having feelings so strong for years after the fact. She didn’t hate his ex, she just didn’t understand her.

“When did you say Riley could see her?” she asked, and Steve turned Darcy’s hand over, his fingers tracing the ridges of her palm.

“In a few days. She’s coming up from California,” he said. He cleared his throat. “I didn’t even know she was out there. She blocked my number a long time ago, and my emails were going unanswered.”

He took a second to think over what he was going to say, swallowing.

“I think… she feels a lot of shame,” he murmured. “And she wants to make it right. I don’t wanna stop her, if her intentions are good.”

“How did that go last time?” Darcy asked.

He didn’t look at her. “She’s not great with kids. Doesn’t remember that they need patience. Doesn’t remember how draining it can be.”

“Steve, none of this your fault,” Darcy said, possessed by the urge to tell him so.

He still didn’t look at her and Darcy took hold of his chin with her spare hand, turning his head to meet his eye.

“You got that?” she said. “It’s not your fault.”

“How is it not?” he retorted.

She stared him down, clenching her jaw for a second, trying to find some way to convey just how insane that was.

“If she was mentally ill, how is that your fault?” she whispered, and he let out a sigh. “You can’t make someone ill. I bet you did everything you could at the time –”

“Then why’d she leave us?” he murmured, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Because sometimes people leave,” Darcy said.

He looked at her again, and Darcy’s hand cupped to glide through his beard, finger tips reaching his sideburns. She rubbed, leaning a little closer.

“I love you,” she whispered. “You know that, right?”

His eyes turned glassy, his throat bobbing.

“Yeah, I did…”

“You just didn’t want to believe it?” Darcy said, and he nodded.

They pressed their foreheads together, breathing as Darcy felt her heart squeeze. After what felt like an eternity, he whispered:

“I _love_ you.”

They hugged, and Darcy was relieved they’d got this far without either of them running away again. She pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Come take a shower with me.”

He let out a little chuckle, his hand on her back, rubbing her in slow circles.

“Okay…”

-

The ride home that night was quiet, but there was a strength to it that Darcy hadn’t felt before. A partnership not dependent on constant noise.

With Bucky and Nat heading home and Sam doing the same, it was the three of them again. Riley was wrecked by the weekend, only getting through fifteen minutes of _Frozen_ before she fell asleep upright, her face falling into her coloring book as she still clutched a crayon, Elsa under her other arm.

She gave Steve the birthday present she’d kept stashed at his apartment, a Polaroid camera with plenty of film. He could always need more pictures, she said, when he unwrapped the box on the couch with Darcy watching him.

He loaded up the camera and took her photo first. She was leaning on the back of the couch, looking frizzy from the humidity, sans makeup, her clothes rumpled from staying folded in her bag.

She chose to take the subway home. She wanted to be comfortable being alone. She didn’t want to feel completely lost when Steve wasn’t there with her. She didn’t want to live in a bubble separate from reality.

There was too much at stake. She couldn’t lose. She refused it, turning up the volume of her music blasting through her earphones as she weaved through Brooklyn, heading to the station.

_Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down_

_Letting the days go by, water flowing underground_

_Into the blue again after the money's gone_

_Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground_

_Same as it ever was, same as it ever was_

_Same as it ever was, same as it ever was_

_Same as it ever was, same as it ever was_

_Same as it ever was, same as it ever was…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not saying the angst has gone away. It's coming and going. I promise to stick with this story. I haven't felt this swept up in a narrative for months and months. I'm sharing this on Election Day, knowing I need this, I need to keep doing what I love to cope. I love this little verse too much to not allow myself a tiny escape. Or a big one.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [Once In A Lifetime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-__aX0ApT7w) from the Stop Making Sense concert movie is magical and every so often I listen to it to exit my own brain a little. Especially when they drop hits at 4:00. *shef's kiss* [Sobbin'](https://tiktoksthataregood.tumblr.com/post/631873191827193856)...
> 
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	14. xiv. Jennifer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angsty but smutty and fluffy, yay. This _is_ Biden's America, after all.

_What you don't know won't hurt you, yeah_   
_Ignorance is bliss_   
_I'm a happy idiot_   
_Waving at cars_   
_I'm gonna bang my head to the wall_   
_'Till I feel like nothing at all_   
**\- "Happy Idiot" by TV On The Radio**

**xiv. Jennifer**

Darcy checked her phone for the third time that hour. She’d been doing it obsessively throughout the whole day, her guts twisting every time she was reminded of the evening drawing closer.

Work was becoming chaotic, there were more people ordering juices than Darcy had ever seen before. Both Peter and Quill were out back cutting up fruit, while Jane and Darcy tried to contend with the sea of people ordering and waiting, on top of them trying to restock shelves and man the register.

“Jane, I can’t be late,” she murmured, as Jane took a large orange juice from her. “Okay?”

“Yeah.”

Jane wasn’t as bubbly as usual. She wasn’t trying to mask as hard. Darcy knew it was because for the last few days, Jane had been tossing up whether or not to break up with her, and she was miserable over it. Her weekend of meeting Thor’s father had gone so badly that she didn’t even speak to Darcy about it, only told her not to ask and to leave her alone while she stewed.

Darcy had tried to push back, to let her know she was supported, but Jane seemed to have tapped into her stubborn variety of sullenness she reserved for disappointing men. Darcy couldn’t believe how badly she must have got her impression of Thor when she’d met him. He’d seemed so warm and understanding… She just hoped it didn’t mean Jane didn’t push herself even further to compensate with how upset she was.

Darcy didn’t think the non-masking was much of an issue. The loyal customers spoke to Darcy mostly instead, probably thinking Jane was having a once in a blue moon bad day, which wasn’t entirely inaccurate. Darcy hadn’t seen Jane this low in weeks, and she’d hoped she wouldn’t ever again. Thor had seemed so different to all the other guys that chewed Jane up and then spat her out.

“Jane,” Darcy murmured again. “I mean it, I _cannot_ be late.”

If she was late, she’d be letting Steve down. That felt unbearable at the moment. She was reminding Jane because she needed her to take over juices when the time came for her to leave, which was – after consulting her phone – in fifteen minutes. It may as well have been three by how her stomach twisted yet again.

Darcy forced herself to put her head down and work, glancing at the list of orders Jane had jotted down for her, working as fast as possible through the list. She was only interrupted when she overheard Jane beginning to argue with someone.

Darcy turned her head, recognizing Mrs Alderson and gave a short sigh.

“What’s up?” she asked, and Mrs Alderson shot her a glare.

“I am asking for a piece of watermelon that isn’t pale,” she snapped.

Darcy capped the bottle she’d finished pouring into and handed it to the customer waiting in line, wiping her hands on her apron as she approached the counter. Mrs Alderson pointed at the wrapped watermelon quarter she’d sat in front of Jane, her mouth a thin line of disapproval.

“They’re all like that today, Mrs Alderson,” Darcy replied, giving a little shrug. She hoped she didn’t sound condescending. “When Jay went to the market this morning, this is what they had. But it’s cheaper today –”

“I don’t care if it’s _cheaper_ ,” she snapped, and Darcy nodded.

“Why don’t you try some? It’s still really good,” Darcy said.

She unwrapped the watermelon, taking a knife from her apron to cut a little piece to offer Mrs Alderson, which she took and ate, still with a pinched expression on her face. Darcy would laugh if it wasn’t clear that Jane was also barely holding back her anger. Her hands were balled into fists, her knuckles white. Darcy knew she had to stay to try to diffuse the situation.

“Do you like it?” Darcy asked, when Mrs Alderson swallowed.

“Yes,” she said stiffly.

“Jane’ll wrap it back up –”

“No, I want a new one, _not_ this one,” the woman snapped, seeming irritated that Darcy wasn’t on the same page as her. “You people never think when I come here, you’re always arguing when I give clear instructions. I’ve come here for years and I’ve never dealt with such poor service in all my life.”

She went further, but Darcy had already begun to purposely tune her out, seeing the faces of the other customers that were still in the store in the aisles or waiting for juices. One mother stepped out from behind Mrs Alderson and gave a little sigh, walking back to the shelves, probably to avoid overhearing the tirade, which Darcy knew Jane was not ignoring like her.

“So leave,” Jane snapped, after Mrs Alderson had begun to attack the store for how old it was, pointing out the chipped paint on the ceiling.

By that point, Quill had walked in, a tub of apples under his arm, placing it under the juicer. He gave a little fake chuckle, walking over to Jane’s other side, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“She’s a rescue,” he said to Mrs Alderson. “I’m so sorry.”

“This is unbelievable,” Mrs Alderson snarled, stepping back, the watermelon she didn’t want in her hands. “I would like to speak to Jay. JAY!”

“Ah, criminy,” Quill whispered.

She’d begun to yell his name, Jane flinching from the sharpness of it, and Darcy glanced over at the juicer, knowing she needed get back to it. She stepped aside as Jay eventually appeared, his smile falling when he saw Mrs Alderson scowling at Jane and Quill.

“Quill, out back.”

“Yes, sir,” Quill said dryly, exiting. Darcy wanted to yell at him for not defending Jane.

Darcy darted to the juicer when Jay shot her a look. He beckoned Mrs Alderson away from the register to speak to her, Jane serving the next person in line. Darcy kept checking her phone, knowing she was going to be late the longer Mrs Alderson ranted. She kept retelling the stupid story about the watermelon in harsh whispers, Jane’s shoulders lifting overtime as she barely acknowledged each customer she served.

It wasn’t until the customers had dwindled down that Jay finally came back to them, gesturing Jane follow him, as well as Darcy.

“We’ll get Carol out here. CAROL!”

Carol appeared, looking confused, but then lit up once she approached the register. Maria was called a second later, and Darcy _knew_ she’d be late.

Darcy stayed beside Jane, Jay’s brows lifting at them both.

“Please apologize,” he said, and Darcy opened her mouth to oblige, but Jane snapped:

“For what? She always makes ridiculous demands.”

“She is a loyal customer Jane, you can’t have this attitude,” Jay retorted.

Mrs Alderson glanced from Darcy to Jane, looking smug. Darcy grit her teeth.

“She was disrespectful and abusive to Jane,” Darcy bit out to Jay.

“I was not!” Mrs Alderson said hotly. “Maybe you have a different idea about what is abusive –”

“No, I’m not wrong,” Darcy cut in, raising her hand. “How many more ways can you imply that we’re stupid and beneath you every time you come here? You must be running out of ways.”

“I don’t know why you can’t get any of your employees to behave, Jay,” Mrs Alderson said, as if she were discussing children at an elementary school. She shook her head at Darcy and Jane. “Unbelievable.”

“Jane’s IQ is 160!” Darcy snapped.

“Yeah?” Jay retorted, voice rising. “And how’s that working out for her so far?”

Jane sucked in a breath, before taking off, pushing past their boss and Mrs Alderson to slip into the back room. Darcy stared as Mrs Alderson accepted Jay’s apology willingly, shooting Darcy another smug glare as she walked off with her quarter watermelon for free.

Darcy stared after her as she left, shaking her head.

Jay clicked his fingers at her and she glanced his way.

“I’m glad you’re finishing now,” he said. “Respectfully, fuck off.”

He did a shooing motion with his hand and Darcy’s lips parted, and she scoffed. She pushed past him.

“Okay…”

She found Jane, cracking her knuckles over and over, sniffling and fierce. Darcy’s heart sank, hearing Jay’s footsteps behind her.

“You go home, too, Janey,” he said, and Darcy knew then he felt guilty. “You work yourself too hard.”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled, not looking his way.

She tore off her apron, Darcy doing the same. Instead of hesitating, Darcy took her hand and they walked out together. She narrowed her eyes at Quill along the way, shaking her head.

“What? What did I do?”

“Exactly,” she retorted.

“Oh, come on!”

He called something else after them but she wasn’t listening. As soon as they were outside the store, far enough so they wouldn’t be seen through the windows, Jane snatched her hand back.

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?” Darcy said. “I’m being the concerned friend. You _need_ those. You _know_ that.”

“That’s not it!” Jane yelled, squeezing her eyes shut. “I’m sick of you – you being like this with me. Everyone else treats me the same way. Except you…”

She sucked in a breath, scrubbing her face.

“And Thor.”

“Jane,” Darcy said, trying to reach for her, to touch her shoulders and try to ground her. “What happened?”

Jane shook her head, tears beginning to fall. She swiped at them, irritated.

Darcy frowned, pieces falling into place.

“Tell me this isn’t about you being autistic,” she said.

Jane threw her arms wide.

“WHEN IS IT NOT?”

Her chest was heaving and she sniffed hard. She’d begun to shake.

“When is it not?” she said again, much quieter. “I keep pushing, and pushing, and it doesn’t sustain itself. I don’t belong here.”

“At Jay’s store?” Darcy said, but Jane shook her head.

“Anywhere.”

“Jane, you’re normal,” Darcy said, but Jane shook her head again.

“Nothing about me is even remotely normal,” she said. Her chin quivered. “That’s what Thor’s father said. Not normal, and not good enough.”

“Fuck that guy,” Darcy snarled instantly. “Fuck _anyone_ who says that.”

Jane closed her eyes, shaking her head. She sniffled.

“You have to go,” she mumbled.

Darcy remembered Steve and she shut her eyes, too, briefly.

“I can stay –”

“Don’t. I’m going to the campus library. I should work.”

Jane stalked off without another word, Darcy staring after her. She sighed, wondering what she was meant to do to help if Jane kept pushing her away.

-

Darcy’s feet pounded up the stairs, and she was breathless by the time she reached Steve’s front door, hammering her fist on it when she arrived.

The door was opened by Bucky, whose eyes widened.

“ _Where_ were you?”

“Don’t gimme that shit,” Darcy muttered, impatient.

She didn’t need another man berating her. She’d thought Bucky was above that. He shrank a little, sighing.

“M’sorry,” he whispered, stepping aside. “I’m stressed.”

“Join the goddamn club,” Darcy muttered in the corner of her mouth, forcing her widest smile as she approached Riley sitting at the coffee table with her crayons. “Hi, honey!”

Riley gave her a tight hug, looking down at her bag.

“Did you bring me a red juice?”

“Yes,” Darcy said, whipping it out to hand to her. “Where’s Daddy?”

“In the shower. He’s tired,” Riley said, uncapping the bottle of juice to take a gulp, a great sigh following.

Little kids were always so hardcore when they drank something, and Darcy couldn’t help kissing Riley on the forehead for being so aggressively herself. She stood back up, walking out and down the corridor. She heard Bucky talking to Riley, thankful she wasn’t going to be the only one there when Jennifer was meant to arrive.

Darcy let herself into Steve’s room, seeing him standing by his bed, staring at two different shirts.

“Hey,” she said, moving toward him to wrap her arm around his waist, kissing his bare chest. He pressed a kiss to her forehead in return, rubbing her shoulder.

They hadn’t seen each other for the few days leading up to Jen’s visit. They’d made sure to communicate often, with phone calls and texts, but Darcy had missed him terribly. She’d offered to babysit for Riley, only to have Bucky offer the same. It was clear that they were mostly there for moral support.

Steve was distracted, but turned himself properly, kissing her on the mouth, a hand on her face.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered, when they broke apart. “I can’t decide.”

“White’s okay. Where are you going?”

“I dunno. Some place we can get coffee. She should be here any second,” he muttered, breaking away from her with a little sigh, picking up his white Henley short-sleeved shirt to tug it on.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, swallowing.

Steve met her eye, then glanced away.

“I don’t know. I’m trying to not feel anything, to be honest.”

“Oh,” Darcy said, and he kissed her forehead before stepping aside to leave his bedroom, Darcy following him.

She went back to Riley, sitting beside her, eyes drifting back to the door every so often. Jen must have been running late. Steve weaved in and out of each room, ducking into his office and coming back with his black notebook in hand when there was finally a knock on the front door.

He went to answer it, and Darcy sat up a little straighter, holding her breath.

She let it go when he opened the door.

Jennifer was tall, blonde and athletic. She wore a tank top, her toned arms on display, a golden tan that resembled Bucky’s. She had high cheekbones and a cute little nose. Her eyes were brown like Riley’s. In fact, she seemed like a taller version of her daughter, so striking it was hard to not want to look at her.

_I’m trying to not feel anything, to be honest._

No wonder he was in love with her, by how she smiled up at him as if he was her best friend in the whole world. Darcy longed to glance at Bucky, to gauge his reaction, but kept her eyes on Jen, waiting.

“Hey, Steve,” she whispered, and she hugged him, kissing his cheek.

It was then that Darcy felt the first pang, her eyes finally shifting to Bucky, whose jaw was ticking as he let out a nearly undetectable sigh from his seat on one of the couches.

Steve let her go, and she walked in, smelling fresh. Her long legs were emphasized by her high-heeled sandals. Her pedicure was lilac, and her short skirt gave Darcy a clear view of her round, perfect ass as she twisted her body a little to glance Bucky’s way, raising a hand.

Darcy thought of how Steve liked to grab Darcy’s rear and pat it. She knew he would have done the same with Jen over the years, staring deep into her eyes…

“Oh, my God,” Jen said aloud, crouching a little to gaze down at Riley. “Hi, Riley. Do you remember me?”

Of course she didn’t. Why would she? Darcy was irritated by the question, and Bucky clearly was, too. Steve stood behind Jen, talking to Riley.

“Hon.”

Riley had gone quiet, frowning a little, her pencil poised as she stared at this woman. She didn’t rise to hug her, nor did she seem like she’d speak a word. Darcy touched her shoulder.

“Riley, this your mommy,” she said.

Jen looked at Darcy, as if only just realizing she was present.

“And you’re -?”

“This is my girl,” Steve said, and Darcy felt her stomach flip. “This is Darcy.”

Jen didn’t seem interested in saying hello, focusing on Riley.

“Can I get a hug?” she whispered.

Riley still seemed unsure, but got up, offering to receive the hug Jennifer gave her, moving back lightning fast, the moment awkward. As Jen straightened up, she flashed Bucky a little smile.

“ _Hi_ , Bucky,” she said. “How’s Nat?”

“Great,” Bucky grunted.

“You got any kids yet?” she asked.

Bucky didn’t smile back at her. “Nah, probably shootin’ blanks.”

Darcy would have laughed if she wasn’t so shocked by the admission. She had no idea whether or not that was true or if he was being ironic, but by the reaction Steve had, the slight slumping of his shoulders and the tiniest tilt of his head, either way Bucky’s comment was not appreciated.

Jen’s smile slipped for a second and she turned back to Steve.

“Ready to go?” she said, and he nodded.

“Yeah.”

“So, let’s go,” she murmured, taking him by the arm.

She was so assuming, but Steve wasn’t warming up to her, instead looking over at Darcy.

“See you soon,” she called, not allowing him the space to feel guilty.

He wanted to have some type of communication with his ex. He was willing to give her a chance to try, and Darcy knew she had to respect that, and let this play out.

As the door shut and their footsteps faded away, Bucky let out a low chuckle, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Riley added, like it was a game, beginning to color again.

As she murmured to herself, Darcy let her eyes drift back to Bucky’s.

“She mentioned once, years ago, that maybe I was shooting blanks,” Bucky said, when Darcy hadn’t actually asked anything. “When we were trying to get pregnant. She was pregnant already.”

“That’s rude.”

“Yeah, well. I’m not,” he muttered. “Nat’s got endometriosis. Not that it was ever something we wanted Jen to know. She was always a little… fuckin’ tasteless.”

“Uncle Bucky,” Riley warned, and he smirked.

“Excuse _me_ , darlin’,” he drawled. “Are you gonna make me play Candyland again?”

“No, I want to watch _Frozen_ ,” Riley retorted.

“We stopped trying,” Bucky said. “Whatever happens, happens.”

“I hope it happens,” Darcy said.

The moment between them stretched and Bucky leaned over, squeezing Darcy’s shoulder.

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

They set up _Frozen_ for Riley, while Bucky complained half-heartedly that he could feel a migraine coming on. To pass the time, he and Darcy set up a game of Yahtzee.

Darcy hadn’t played it since she was a little kid, between her mom and her grandparents. All of them were dead now, so she felt as if she was tapping into something deep inside the recesses of her mind when she took her first turn.

“Oh, you gotta be fuckin’ kidding me,” Bucky said, laughing as she rolled an instant Yahtzee.

“Oh, wow,” Darcy said, laughing.

Riley was too distracted to admonish her uncle for cussing again. Darcy and Bucky played two games before Darcy went to make dinner in the kitchen, turning down every offer Bucky made to help. They ate at the table, Darcy laughing at Bucky and Riley interacting, bickering with each other.

“Uncle Bucky,” Riley said, when she’d drained the rest of her water with a large sigh.

She sounded so serious Bucky’s brows lifted.

“Yes, darlin’?”

“I’m gonna marry you,” she said, and he smiled at her, surprised.

“Really? What about Auntie Nat?”

“She can be married to you, too.”

“Oh, okay,” Bucky said, indulging her with a little nod. “I see. But you’ll have to wait a few years, you’re not a grown up yet.”

“We can get married when I’m… nine,” Riley said, tilting her head to remember a number she knew was greater than her current age.

“Okay,” Bucky said again, nodding.

Riley’s bath and story time later was much the same, Bucky letting her boss him around, nodding at her instructions. Darcy felt a little pull on her heart when he pressed a kiss to Riley’s forehead goodnight, Darcy watching from the doorway.

“I love that kid,” he murmured, when they stepped back into the corridor and walked out to the living room.

-

Darcy and Bucky drank beer and waited for Steve to return, Darcy’s concentration slipping as they tried to watch a movie, her elbow propped up on the couch’s arm.

Bucky checked his watch, sighing.

Darcy tried to not think about the hours and hours Steve was having with his ex, how she’d touched him before with ease, like she was allowed to no matter what. Darcy rubbed her eyes, shifting at little in an attempt to resettle herself, hating her imagination for stirring up more intimate images.

“You heading home, after?” Bucky asked, and Darcy shook her head.

He gave a little smile, tilting his head to look at her a little closer.

“You’re already fading and it’s not even 9PM…”

“Maybe I’ll turn in –”

There was the sound of keys in the door and Darcy was wide awake, standing from her seat as Steve appeared, shutting the door behind him. His notebook was bent, stuck in the back pocket of his pants, and he took it out to toss it onto the coffee table, his eyes downcast.

“How’d it go?” Bucky asked, when Darcy couldn’t form the words.

Steve rubbed his eye with a finger, not looking him in the eye.

“Okay, I think…”

“That’s good,” Bucky said, a little sweeter. “I’m glad.”

Steve glanced at Darcy. “Uh – baby, could we go to bed?”

He hadn’t called her that in front of Bucky before. He sounded bordering on urgent, Bucky’s brows lifting. He got up from his seat, giving a chuckle that seemed to cover his uneasiness.

“Well, _okay_. I know when to leave.”

He gave Darcy a kiss and then shook Steve’s hand, waving at Darcy when he let himself out. Alone with Steve, Darcy moved toward him, her hands rubbing his arms.

“You okay?”

He nodded, but she knew he wasn’t. He wasn’t ready to tell her how he felt. Maybe he couldn’t put it into words. She reached up to hug him, his hands on her lower back, his face buried in her neck. When they went to bed a few minutes later, he curled himself around her.

-

Darcy couldn’t stop the worry churning in her guts, and it was no wonder, when she woke some hours later, hearing sounds beside her.

She blinked in the dark, trying to see what Steve was doing, his arms no longer wrapped around her. He was saying something unintelligible, and when Darcy managed to make out the shape of him, she could see he was tensing and grabbing handfuls of the thin sheet that covered them both.

“Steve,” she whispered. “Steve, it’s okay.”

He was having a nightmare, which she’d never seen before. She didn’t know what else to do but try to soothe him, rubbing his arm, then shaking him as he panted and strained.

“Wake up…”

 _Please stop_ , she wanted to say. _You’re scaring me._

He sucked in a breath, going still, and Darcy touched the side of his face, their eyes meeting as he woke slowly, and then he was turning her onto her back and kissing her, catching Darcy off-guard.

“Okay?” he breathed, pulling back for air, and Darcy murmured her consent, her heart racing as he plied her lips open with his tongue, her sigh following as she clutched his face.

He drew back, quickly crawling down and tugged Darcy’s sleep shorts off, and then dived straight in, burying his tongue inside.

“Fu-uck,” Darcy gasped, overwhelmed, attempting to sit up a little, brushing his hair with her fingers, biting back her moans.

He was so _good_ – she could feel everything tightening, her hips rocking against his face, his tongue wiggling and probing, the soft sucks and slurping…

And then stopped, so suddenly Darcy froze, wondering what she’d done. She lowered her hand again, stroking his hair.

“Steve?”

She leaned over a little, to try and make out the word he’d whispered, his face resting in the cradle of her hips, his breath hot on her skin.

“Please…”

“Steve?” she said again.

“Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me…”

To her horror, she could hear he was crying, and she pulled away, just enough to reach over to switch his lamp on, flooding the room with light, revealing Steve was in fact weeping softly.

He sat up, as Darcy moved toward him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him into an embrace, his nose bumping her clavicle.

He was so quiet, sniffling as Darcy held him as close as possible, breathing with him. She pulled him back after a few minutes of silence, brushing his tears away with her thumbs, then kissing his cheeks, Steve looking pained.

“You are so beautiful,” she whispered. “And you are so strong, and I love you.”

“Darcy…”

“I don’t lie to you,” she said, and he nodded. “You are those things, and you’re a good father. And you’re a good man.”

He let out a sigh, blinking up at her, his hands now reaching for her wrists to squeeze them.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say shit like that.”

He was so scared. So scared of being hurt, but knew that being alone was worse. It was like looking into a mirror and Darcy wished she had the answers for him, she wished she could take away all of it.

“If I could carry it, I would,” she whispered, and he gave a weak smile, the ghost of a smile. “I’d carry all the pain but I know you won’t let me. I know you want me to stay away.”

“Not anymore,” he mumbled, swallowing thickly.

She wanted to know what happened with Jen, whether she’d said or done something out of line. She trusted Steve hadn’t crossed a boundary. Maybe it was all the old hurt coming back, seeing the mother of his child again.

Before Darcy could ask, he kissed her again, tasting of her musk, pushing her back onto the bed, but this time he climbed back up to settle his hips between her thighs, pushing his underwear off in the process, reaching between them.

He bit her lip, tugged on it a little when he pushed inside her to the hilt, Darcy’s gasp making his eyes flash with heat. He moved slowly, but in hard strokes that made Darcy claw at his arms, her back arching.

When Darcy came, everything rolling over her like a warm wave, evaporating the world for a few seconds, Steve’s hand was clamped over her mouth to smother the sound. His hips sped up, and he didn’t stop until there wasn’t a drop of him left, panting and kissing her sweaty neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as happy as I am about election results, and as happy as I am about being deep into this universe, I could really use some encouragement, my loves. I'm in a dark place because of crap I'm dealing with in my personal life, I'd appreciate some nice words. I mean, I need them. I need someone to tell me I'm good and enough.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	15. xv. Caveman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't put into words how overwhelmed I was with encouragement yesterday. Thank you. I have something in my eye.
> 
> P.S. this part is bonkers

_And you had every chance_   
_You destroy everything that you know (that you know)_   
_(Uncontrollable)_   
_If you don't need me_   
_Just let me go_   
**\- "Flesh Without Blood" by Grimes**

**xv. Caveman**

“Thanks, Darcy.”

In the days that followed their last encounter with Mrs Alderson, Jay had been the closest thing to contrite Darcy had ever seen him. She was pretty sure he was still swearing at her in Italian, but he did that with everyone, and he’d begun to say thank you when she did things he asked her to do.

She was cutting up beets in the back room when he ducked in to tell her they needed pieces of fresh ginger, too, and Darcy obliged with a little nod. Jane was working up front and Steve said he’d be coming by with Riley.

It was a pretty typical work day. At work, she usually only had to worry about doing her job. Since meeting Jen, Darcy had struggled to create a distance between herself and Steve’s family situation.

Last night when she was brushing her teeth with Jane in their tiny bathroom, Jane was avoiding talking about making up with Thor, instead finding Jennifer within seconds of her mention, holding up her phone for Darcy to inspect.

“That her?”

“Yeah,” Darcy mumbled. “How’d you find her so fast?”

“Linkedin,” Jane said. “She looks like a Victoria’s Secret model.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said, sighing after she spat. “Don’t remind me.”

She washed her toothbrush and put it away.

“The hell is she doing on Linkedin, anyway?” she said, glancing at Jane’s phone again, frowning.

Her profile had a professional photograph. She wore her hair down, wearing a sleek blazer as she grinned at the camera. Darcy’s eyes fell to the text below.

“Creative Director,” Jane read. “Two years’ experience in a firm in L.A. She makes a lot of money.”

Darcy was jealous and didn’t want to be. She hated how insecure this woman made her, when she was the one that chose to leave Riley, crying and alone at six months-old. Darcy also reminded herself just as fast that if she’d decided to stay at her last job for two years, she’d be earning a lot more than what Jay paid her each week.

“She and Steve were in art school?” Jane said, and Darcy nodded.

Darcy didn’t have a creative bone in her body. She couldn’t draw. She didn’t know to write more than a few sentences without her brain hurting. She felt as though her twenties were proving that she was only getting dumber.

Jen had seen Steve twice now. Steve didn’t say where she was staying or what she was up to, except that she’d taken time off to try to get to know Riley. Darcy thought it was so bizarre, that the woman that gave birth to Riley didn’t remember her well enough, either. Darcy thought of her father and how he was always so stunted in conversation with her, since she was around Riley’s age.

She hated being insecure. She kept waiting for something to snap into place but it never did. It was exhausting, imagining Riley and Jennifer bonding, with Steve watching, while she worked in this sweatbox back room cutting up juice ingredients.

She had avoided feeling so shitty about her job for a little while, because she knew she was a great babysitter. It didn’t matter if she barely earned more than minimum wage and had no health insurance if she felt held and loved.

She sighed, cutting her first knuckle-sized chunk of ginger off a longer root, dropping it into a little metal container. Quill walked in, whistling. He stopped when he noticed Darcy.

“Jane told me you’re letting him hang out with his ex,” he said, and Darcy slumped a little, staring at him.

“I’m gonna kill her-”

“So, you are?” Quill said, and Darcy shrugged, nodding. “That’s fucked up.”

“For the record, he has his own life and I didn’t _let him_ do anything,” Darcy retorted, turning her attention back to the ginger.

The soft plunk-plunk-plunk of her dropping pieces of ginger in the tub filled the relative silence as Quill shifted a couple boxes.

“I could help you,” he said over his shoulder

“I don’t wanna know how –”

Quill ignored her, elaborating. “I take his ex out for dinner, treat her great, and then _never_ call her back.”

Darcy smirked, unable to stop herself. “Small problem, though. I don’t think you’re capable of treating a girl right, Quill.”

“Oh, that hurts, New Girl,” he said, but he was chuckling. “I can _show_ you just well I’d treat–”

He took a step closer to her, snorting as Darcy picked up her knife again, staring him down, the smirk still on her face.

-

Quill was harmless. The guy that showed up when Steve and Riley were waiting on a juice Darcy was making Riley was not.

It was an hour since Darcy was out back, and everything was chaotic and sweaty for a while, before the store was suddenly quiet and Steve walked in. Darcy stood on tiptoe to kiss him hello over the counter, her tummy flipping at the sight of his warm eyes drinking her in.

Steve stepped out of line, murmuring to Riley about buying a couple red peppers, and she nodded, taking off in a little skipping run down the aisles, Jay starting up with Steve in Italian.

Jane turned her head at the register, eyes dipping to the empty crate under the juicer that housed the bottles.

“I’ll get more small bottles, yell if you need me.”

Darcy doubted it, since Jay was chatting in the aisles with Riley about her new plastic dragon she held in her hand along with Elsa. Steve kept catching Darcy glancing his way, smiling at her as she fed the machine with watermelon pieces. A man around Steve’s age walked in, didn’t acknowledge Darcy’s greeting and then started loading his arms with lemons.

He approached the counter, dropping the lemons. He clicked his fingers and Darcy turned her head, doing her best to keep her face neutral.

He was handsome, smelt of too much cologne and towered over Darcy like Steve did. He looked at his pile of fruit pointedly.

“Hey, girl. What’s the hold up?”

“Sorry,” Darcy said, taking off her gloves and shoving them in her apron, feeling her face burn.

The quicker she worked, the better. She began to weigh the lemons, the man staring down at her. Darcy tried to make herself smaller, frowning as she fumbled one of the fruit, dropping it on the floor. He sighed and picked it up.

“You got mint leaves?”

“Yeah, in the rows behind –”

He turned, moving to grab a bunch of fresh mint from the stack by the far wall. Darcy swallowed, her face still hot as he strolled back.

“I guess this’ll do.”

“We might have fresher bunches out back,” Darcy said, trying to be helpful. He might even be kind back if she was going out of her way to accommodate for him. She didn’t want another Mrs Alderson situation.

“You’re telling me you got the shitty ones out here, and the nice ones are out back, but I have to ask for them, like a schmuck?”

Darcy bristled. “No, I mean, they’ve only been out since this morning, and they’re sitting in ice but the ones out back –”

He cut her off. “ _Tits_ , I don’t need your whole speech about the fuckin’ mint. I’ll pay for your rip-off shit. With the lemons.”

Darcy had frozen and he didn’t have a shred of remorse, Darcy’s lips parted as he waited. Darcy found the mint bunches in the system. Her hands shook as she pushed the items toward him, keeping her eyes averted.

She didn’t see him coming when he reached out, grabbing the edge of her apron at the top, his two fingers brushing her bare skin.

“I want a bag.”

She nodded, her jaw tight as she bent to retrieve one, wondering how the hell she was so eerily calm for the situation. She hated that she didn’t know what else to do with her body but to obey him, to make him go away, instead of fighting back.

She didn’t say a word as he handed her cash, shoving it into the register and gave him his change. She didn’t watch him leave, and was only aware of being in her own body again when she heard Steve murmur:

“Riley, honey, stay here with Jay for a second.”

Darcy swallowed, letting her eyes finally swing back up, watching Steve march out. She realized too late what his intention was, her eyes bulging as she saw him follow the man past the store.

“Steve!” she yelled, and she hopped over the front counter, racing out.

They weren’t in the street but Darcy heard the distinct collides of several sharp punches, and she followed the sound down the alley behind the store, skidding to a stop as she stared at the scene revealed before her.

Steve was holding up the guy by the front of his shirt, fist still raised, the stranger’s nose already bloody. Steve had backed him into the wall, his eyes fierce as the man was ashen with fear, eyes wide as he shook like a leaf.

“I swear on my mother if you fuckin’ touch her again, I’ll make you wish you died as a child,” Steve hissed, and Darcy stared and stared, her hands balled into fists at her sides.

The stranger nodded, and Steve stepped back.

Thw man took off, picking up the carry bag along the way, and Darcy didn’t take her eyes off Steve, who was still breathing with a clenched jaw. His eyes met hers.

“He passed on his apologies –”

“What is -- _WRONG_ with you?” Darcy exploded, putting up her hands. “I can’t believe you did that. Are you _actually_ insane? What if Riley saw you? Do you this a lot? Are – are – are…?”

She couldn’t form the words, the shock of the last several minutes finally hitting her.

“I can’t believe you,” she breathed. “I can’t _believe_ you.”

Steve didn’t seem apologetic, and that was what scared her most, how poised he was to defend her with honest to God violence, and her eyes fell to the knuckles of his right hand.

“Jesus Christ, Steve,” she groaned, moving toward him. She took hold of his hand to examine his cuts closer.

After a long minute, she tugged him by his uninjured hand out of the alleyway, pulling him back into the store. Riley was unbothered, while Jay was staring at him with his eyebrows almost merged with his receding hairline.

“Is this gonna be a regular thing?” he said, and Steve shook his head.

“He said he’d kill him, more or less,” Darcy muttered.

“Good for you, buddy,” Jay said, and Darcy rolled her eyes.

She dragged him to the back room, just as Quill let himself through the back door with a box of baby spinach. He went still, watching as Darcy tugged Steve over to the sink, the two men watching each other.

“Dude, I –”

“Get out, Quill,” Darcy snapped, and Quill nodded, making himself scarce, walking out to the cool room.

Steve’s eyes followed him and Darcy frowned.

“Hey. Caveman. Not him, too,” she said.

“Are you okay?” he asked, as Darcy dug out the first aid kit, dusting it off. She took hold of his injured hand, switching the faucet on to wash it.

His voice was low, concerned. Darcy glanced up at him, sticking his hand under the water to rinse it.

“I’m… fine,” she muttered. “I’m guessing that’s not the first time that’s happened.”

“First time here –”

There were footsteps and Jane appeared at the back door, her eyes widening.

“Hi,” Steve said, and Jane gaped at him, confused.

“What -?”

“Get out,” Darcy said, and Jane obliged, arms full with the crate of empty bottles.

Alone again, Darcy worked efficiently, dabbing cream on his cuts before Steve began to talk again, voice still quiet.

“I’m sorry that I scared you,” he said. “I’m not sorry I punched that guy.”

“I figured,” Darcy said, letting go of his hand. “I wasn’t scared of you, exactly. There’s taking care of me, and then there’s… that, and – and I don’t think I can handle that.”

“Okay,” Steve said.

Darcy felt her cheeks flush, picturing him threatening that guy again. Steve’s brows lifted only slightly.

“I am _not_ turned on right now,” Darcy snapped, and Steve nodded.

“Course not.”

-

“I am not rewarding your behavior,” Darcy whispered, Steve’s lips pressing to the back of her neck, arms circling her as they lay beside each other in bed, after he’d slipped in behind her once she’d showered.

“Okay.”

“I mean it,” Darcy snapped, as Steve sucked on the space behind her ear, her hand already trailing behind her to bring his hip closer in, backing into his crotch.

“Are you okay?” he murmured, nuzzling her with his nose.

He’d kept asking it over the last few hours, when she’d gone quiet several times. She’d pushed aside her feelings for the sake of Riley, who had stayed oblivious to what had happened that afternoon.

Darcy avoided the question now. “How was Riley with Jen?”

“Shy,” Steve said. “I could Jen was struggling.”

 _Deservedly_ , Darcy thought, before she decided it was unhelpful to spite the woman constantly when she seemed to be trying. Steve drew in a breath.

“She offered to take Riley sometime, just the two of them,” Steve said.

He didn’t sound excited about it. Darcy turned in his arms, cupping his face. He swallowed.

“I really am sorry for scaring you,” he whispered. “I won’t do it again. I should’ve – I dunno. I can’t see myself not doing something like that if I could turn back time.”

Darcy appreciated he wasn’t trying to bullshit her, but she sighed, stroking his cheek bone with her thumb.

“He won’t come back, so there’s that,” she whispered. “For fuck’s sake, Steve.”

They only gazed at one another for another minute, Steve’s jaw ticking.

“I’m not okay with Jen being alone with her,” he whispered, and Darcy nodded. “I – I just remember the day she left so well, so fucking… _vividly_.”

Darcy didn’t interrupt.

“She was so normal. I kissed them both goodbye before I headed to work. And then I felt like my heart had fallen out of my stomach when I got home.”

Darcy drew in a breath, trying to remind herself that that was years ago and she could be different now. She needed to allow her the space to try, even if she didn’t like her and was jealous.

“God, I remember I burnt my tongue on my coffee that morning, too. I remember the taste of the turkey sandwich I had for lunch…”

Darcy watched him squeeze his eyes shut and shake his head.

“And then I turned everything upside down, trying to find a note, something. She’d emptied all the drawers, she’d left the cabinet in the bathroom wide open, too. She took her fucking toothbrush…”

He passed a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry,” Darcy whispered.

“Am I spineless?” Steve said, the question so sudden it took Darcy a couple seconds for it to sink in.

She stared at him, shaking her head.

“No – you… you beat up a total stranger today for sexually harassing me, what part of that was spineless?”

She knew he meant it about him letting Jen come back at all, considering what she’d done. She kept shaking her head, the question caught in her throat for weeks, finally coming out.

“You were still in love with her, after the first time she left?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“You’re not spineless because you’re trying to give Riley a fighting chance,” she said. “I don’t blame you for wanting to patch things up the last time. If… if…”

She felt herself blush, a shame washing over her, her face ducking.

“Darce.”

“If you want to go further, to see if she’d be willing to try that other part, too.”

“Darce, I am divorced,” Steve said, and Darcy forced herself to nod. “I don’t recognize the guy I was back then.”

“You don’t need to give me some big speech –”

He pressed a kiss to her lips, cutting her off. He clutched her face.

“Believe me when I say that I keep thinking I’m gonna scare you away with my bullshit. I keep waiting for you to step back and see the situation for what it is.”

“I love your life,” she whispered, feeling tears spring in her eyes. “I love your family.”

He stared back at her. “Nothing has happened to you. You’re young, and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

“Yeah, my life I’ll spend _with you_. With you and Riley.”

He looked stunned, staring back at her as Darcy tried to keep it together, thinking out loud.

“I could be a chaperone, when Jen wants time alone with Riley. I know Riley won’t want to come out of her shell if she’s alone with her, and – and you being uncomfortable with them being alone is a good enough reason as any to not let Jen sole-parent.”

Darcy frowned, Steve’s eyes dipping to her mouth.

“Stop it. Stop it with this shit,” she said. “I’m choosing _you_. Okay?”

He kissed her then, pouring everything into it. He made love to her that night with the usual reverence, lost in her, building her up and tearing her back down again, cuddling her afterwards as the world tried to right itself.

It didn’t stop Darcy worrying about Jen, even when she could feel the weight of Steve in her arms, his face buried in her chest as he slept, her hands in his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve "Fucking Fight Me Seven Days A Week" Rogers.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	16. xvi. L'Chaim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu when you write to escape your reality because Steve would never hurt you

_And I'm the idiot with the painted face_  
_In the corner, taking up space_  
_But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved_  
**\- "Me and My Husband" by Mitski**

**xvi. L'Chaim**

Darcy jogged up the steps, moving aside as a student ducked out of the glass double-doors, ducking into the air-conditioned foyer of Culver’s Lieber Library. She raised her hand to the woman behind the front desk.

“Hey, Denise.”

Darcy weaved past students, groups studying and others using their laptops at the long oak tables in the middle of the main area. She slipped between two shelves, raising her hand to drag her fingers across the spines. She got to the end of the row, seeing Jane at her usual table with her papers spread across it, her laptop in front of her.

Darcy was carrying a tray of coffees and put it down, picking up hers to take a sip, smacking her lips.

“I think he burnt it,” she muttered to herself. She was never too sure about those campus baristas. They were all students that had little interest in making a decent cup of coffee.

She knew Jane wouldn’t care so much, not if she could put as much sugar in it as she liked to combat the bitterness.

Jane finally glanced up from her laptop, brows furrowing. Darcy knew that look. When she texted her about coming to campus, Jane hadn’t asked for coffee, but Darcy knew that by the time she arrived she would have changed her mind. Jane was always telling her she meant to cut back on any type of drug, only to drink coffee by the gallon like Darcy did, as well as stuff her mouth with edibles a few times a week.

“Thanks,” Jane murmured, taking the cup and drinking it, making a face, before uncapping her cup and grabbing a few packets of sugar Darcy lay next to the tray.

Darcy glanced behind her, then at the papers surrounding Jane.

“How’s it going?”

“I started over,” Jane said, licking her thumb.

“What?”

“Just this section,” Jane said, waving her hand, her other holding her cup. She downed her coffee in a few steady gulps, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand when she finished it, putting the empty mug back on the takeout tray provided. “Professor Selvig said it’s too dry.”

“Well _, if Professor Selvig said_ …” Darcy muttered, a little irritated with him on Jane’s behalf.

He probably was unaware that Jane was throwing herself deeper into her thesis to combat her broken heart. She still hadn’t told Darcy in detail about the weekend she met Thor’s father.

Jane fell silent, typing and pausing to examine notes, then typing again. Darcy sipped her coffee, letting her eyes wander again, listening to other students typing and murmuring every so often.

“I was thinking about doing my own research today,” she said, and Jane looked at her.

“What for?”

“Uh, just – just, like, art. In general,” Darcy murmured, trying to keep casual.

It was her insecurities coming into play again. Jane wouldn’t make fun of her for that, it just wasn’t her style. She was frequently reading about things she didn’t know much about, and if Darcy were honest, Jane’s lists of things she wasn’t an expert on was constantly shrinking because she didn’t allow herself to be ignorant for long. Jane never saw the need to hide why she wanted to learn more about something, especially if it was a man.

“Because of Steve?” she asked, and Darcy nodded. “Where do you want to start?”

“I don’t know anything,” Darcy mumbled, shrugging. “I only know who Vincent Van Gogh is because of _Doctor Who_.”

“So what?” Jane muttered. “Everyone likes _Doctor Who_.”

“That’s actually not true,” Darcy said.

“Well, everyone _should_ ,” Jane retorted, as if it was obvious.

Darcy lifted her brows. “So, art history -?”

“709,” Jane said instantly. “700 is Arts. Steve’s ex is a graphic artist, that’s 740 –”

Darcy put up hand to stop Jane. She didn’t want to talk about Jen if she could help it.

“I’ll start with the basics.”

She returned to Jane’s table with a few thick books, flipping through the pages and admiring the artwork. She began to take note of what she liked, jotting down some pieces in her phone, pausing to read a little about composition.

“Maybe I should read about portraiture…”

“Do you not talk about art with Steve?” Jane asked, and Darcy averted her gaze.

“I dunno, we talk about his work,” she muttered. She recalled him showing her a sketch for a beer ad he’d been working on, because he wanted her opinion. “He sort of hides it.”

“Why?” Jane asked, confused.

“He doesn’t like to brag,” Darcy said, shrugging. “He locks away a lot of that.”

“That doesn’t make any sense to me,” Jane muttered, eyes shifting back to her laptop.

They were silent together, the next hour going by in little spurts of information actually beginning to stick, which Darcy was relieved to know. She hardly read those days. She couldn’t remember the last time she finished a book instead of giving a raincheck. She knew she enjoyed reading, she just didn’t concentrate.

“Maybe I have ADD,” she murmured absently.

Jane scoffed. “You do not.”

“Okay,” Darcy said, rolling her eyes. “Then I’m just stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Jane retorted. “I would not be your friend if you weren’t smart.”

Darcy hunched over her book again, flipping the page. It was all well and good that she had this stuff to learn, but she didn’t know how to talk about it without sounding like an idiot. If they were talking about fruit and vegetables, she’d be fine. She didn’t see art professionals doing that. Darcy didn’t know how to tap into passions like creative people did.

“I’m gonna go,” Darcy said, after giving up on another art history book, its language too dense for Darcy to form her own words in her head.

She understood why cubism was important, but she didn’t like it. She couldn’t appreciate it like others did. Like maybe Jen did with Steve when they were in art school.

“Okay,” Jane said, not looking up. “Are you back tonight?”

“No, Bucky and Nat are babysitting Riley,” Darcy said. “Steve and I are gonna actually go on a date.”

“Okay,” Jane said again, voice flat.

Darcy hadn’t want to tell her that, probably bringing up Thor in the process and how Jane was single while Darcy wasn’t, which was unusual in itself. Jane churned through men, but Thor had done the damage to make her draw out singledom for longer than the standard work week.

“Are you gonna stay here all day?” Darcy asked, and Jane still didn’t look her way.

“Probably.”

“Please don’t,” Darcy said, unable to help herself. She knew Jane wouldn’t be able to read her face anyway if she managed to look at her now, so she made her voice softer and concerned. “At least, leave when the sun goes down.”

“Okay,” Jane said, not indicating if she intended to follow Darcy’s instructions.

-

Arriving at Steve’s, Darcy was able to tear away herself from Jane’s bubble, kissing Riley’s forehead when she let herself into the apartment.

Steve gave her a key earlier that week, after she told him she intended to chaperone Riley and Jen, whenever that was supposed to happen. She got a little thrill from unlocking the front door and shutting it behind her, smiling at Riley.

“Hey, baby,” Steve murmured, when she walked into the kitchen, pulling off her bag to place it on her usual chair. “You look so beautiful today.”

He was so nice to her. It always floored her just how sweet he was without even trying, smiling at her like she’d invented dressing the way she did, which wasn’t even that fancy. All she’d done was wear yet another dress, this time with jelly sandals reminiscent of the kinds she wore when she was Riley’s age. They were clear with sparkles, showing off her painted toenails.

“Thank you,” she murmured, standing up on tiptoe to kiss him, smiling into it.

She eventually walked back out to the living room, seeing Riley pick up the remote to load Disney+, as it was her daily routine to consume _Frozen_ between the hours of noon and dinnertime.

“Hey, hon,” Darcy said, and Riley didn’t look at her, her little lips parted as she tapped the arrow key slowly, the cursor edging towards _Frozen_. “What about a movie with a dragon in it?”

“A dragon?” Riley said, glancing at Darcy.

She settled beside her, taking the remote.

“This one has a princess in it, too,” she said, and Riley’s eyes widened

“YES!”

“It’s called _Sleeping Beauty_ ,” Darcy explained, searching for it and then pressing on its banner.

Riley went into a trance as soon as the Disney credits began, staring straight ahead as Darcy turned around in her seat, glancing at the shelves behind the couch.

She recognized a book she’d seen at the campus library, leaning over to grab it, opening it as Steve came in.

“ _Not_ _Frozen_ today?” he said, sounding genuinely surprised.

Darcy nodded, flipping a page. “ _Sleeping Beauty_.”

He slipped in beside Darcy, Riley shifting to crawl over and sit in her dad’s lap, his arm wrapping around her middle as she watched, his eyes falling to Darcy’s open book.

“What’s got you reading that?” he murmured.

Darcy wondered if he thought she wasn’t knowledgeable. She’d been to college. Political science was her major, but nothing ever came from it. She hadn’t wanted to go to law school or get a Masters like her dad wanted her to. It was hard to care about any of that when her mom died.

“I don’t know a lot about art,” Darcy said, a little self-conscious now and trying to hide it. She shrugged a shoulder. “Doesn’t hurt to read.”

But it might actually hurt her brain. This book was dense, with the type of writing that made Darcy dread ever reading Jane’s thesis when it was finally complete, whenever that was. She’d avoided asking about reading any of it, and Jane had mercifully never offered.

Darcy felt Steve still watching her.

“I mean – I don’t know anything, really. It’s kind of sad,” she muttered. “All I really know is from pop culture or what I can remember from college.”

“Yeah?” Steve said, and Darcy looked at him, not feeling condescended to. “Like what?”

“Just… it’s dumb, but things like the portraits presidents would have done,” she muttered, rolling her eyes. “They’re kind of boring. There’s the one – the Lansdowne portrait of George Washington. It was a gift to the British Prime Minister, and five copies were made. It was sold for, like, twenty million dollars so something like that to the National Gallery.”

“Darcy, _you do_ know about art,” Steve said with a little chuckle.

“I can’t draw,” Darcy said, and she hated how she sounded.

It was like she was broadcasting that she was a silly little girl, so insecure about her lack of anything, and Steve was meant to be making her feel better.

“So what?” he said.

“You don’t have to – to be kind, or whatever,” Darcy said. She shut the book. “I don’t like this one.”

“Neither do I. A client bought it for me, one Christmas,” Steve said, taking it from her and turning it over, examining the blurb. “Completely sucks the fun out of it.”

He twisted around, tucking the book back on the shelf, managing to keep Riley in place in the process. His hand then slipped to Darcy’s thigh, giving it a little squeeze.

“Tell me more about the presidential portraits,” he said.

Darcy blinked. “What do you wanna know?”

“Which one’s your favorite?” he asked.

He seemed to care. He wasn’t talking to be polite. He waited, as Darcy scanned her brain, already knowing the answer but still reeling a little by how well this conversation was going.

“Woodrow Wilson’s, it looks half done,” she said, taking out her phone and Googling it, showing Steve the painting. “Racist guy, but Johansen’s portrait is the best one, to me.”

She took her phone away and Steve’s lip curled, their eyes shifting toward the TV screen, his hand still on her thigh.

-

Darcy couldn’t help smiling at Bucky when he hitched Riley’s backpack on one of his massive shoulders, not unlike Steve whenever he was visiting the store.

Nat was busy chatting to Riley, about where they were going to get dinner on their way back home. Bucky kept motioning for them to leave, Steve moving closer to kneel in front of his daughter.

“You gonna be good?” he murmured, and Riley nodded. “Hey, I love you. So damn much.”

He kissed her face a few times, Riley giggling.

“You’re tickling me, Daddy.”

“You like the beard?” Bucky said to Darcy.

“Yeah,” she murmured, feeling a stir in her guts as Steve glanced her way. “I love it.”

Bucky was tugged out the door, after more farewell kisses. Nat gave little wiggle of her fingers, shutting the door.

Steve smiled down at Darcy, eyes falling to her mouth.

“Think it’s about time I showed you the dive.”

The bar hung a picture of JFK by the TV. There didn’t seem to be a lot of décor post-Vietnam war, which had Darcy believing the owners shared a lot of her views of current American politics. Darcy knew Steve lived in a hipster neighborhood, and no matter how much Sam griped about gentrification with the others, Darcy appreciated nothing _felt_ outdated. She couldn’t say the same when she ever returned home, seeing her dad’s neighbors’ yards with American flags and NRA bumper stickers on their minivans.

They sat in a booth, sharing loaded potato skins, and every so often Steve would take hold of Darcy’s hand as they were talking, just because he could.

They walked home, the air still warm, Steve’s arm around Darcy’s shoulders, kissing at every traffic light, waiting for them to change.

They switched to tequila back at his apartment, Steve cutting a lime he’d bought from Jay’s and pouring two shots out.

“L’Chaim,” Darcy murmured, and Steve grinned.

“Exactly.”

She threw hers back, shoving the lime wedge in her mouth, the delicious burn fortifying her, her eyes lifting to meet Steve’s.

“You trying to get me drunk?” she murmured, and he kept smiling, moving closer to her, hands on either side of her hips, caging her into the kitchen sink.

“Would’ve thought it was easier, vice versa,” he countered, leaning down, nose brushing hers. “You’ve seen me wasted a couple times, now.”

“You think I have an unfair advantage?”

“Lil’ bit,” he whispered.

“I haven’t seen you _high_ before,” Darcy said. “Is that very different?”

“Depends,” he said.

He intended to kiss her, that was obvious. What he didn’t expect was Darcy’s hand slipping behind her into the sink, plucking the wet sponge and tossing it into the side of Steve’s face, a giggle erupting from within her, Steve’s eyes widening in shock.

“You –”

Darcy took off with a cackle, running out of the kitchen and down the hall, way ahead of Steve, slipping into his bedroom. She ducked into his closet, shutting it and held her breath.

She heard Steve’s approaching footsteps, trying to keep the snort inside her, failing when he opened his closet, looking like he was trying to seem unimpressed but he was smirking down at her, hands going to his hips.

“Well.”

Darcy darted out, running across his bed to make her escape, bursting back into the corridor, hearing he was right behind her, squealing when he managed to catch her as she got back to the kitchen.

He put her down, backing her into the counter by the sink, forehead pressed to hers. She caught him in a kiss, his lip between her two, tugging on it as he let out a soft chuckle, lifting her up to settle her on the counter.

He all but devoured her, Darcy’s hands curling into his shirt, trying to tug it up, her palm slipping down his stomach to feel the muscles.

When he wasn’t kissing her lips, he was pressing kisses to her cheeks, her eyelids, her jawline. He went in for the kill again, his hot tongue demanding as Darcy whimpered.

He made her so needy. She craved him all the time, but she was afraid of coming on too strong, but he always floored her with his passion, as if _he_ couldn’t get enough of _her_.

He pulled back finally, eyes meeting hers.

“You want it so bad, huh?” he whispered, and Darcy nodded. “Poor baby…”

“Don’t make fun of me,” Darcy whispered, gulping.

“I’m not, I love you like crazy,” he whispered, hands ducking under the skirts of her dress, reaching the waistband of her underwear and yanking them down her legs and off her ankles, tossing them aside. “Wanna love you like crazy…”

“Steve,” she whispered, when his fingers brushed her folds, not far from begging.

He persisted, kissing her throat, Darcy’s moan bitten back.

“Wanna hear you,” he whispered, pulling back a little to look her in the eye.

Darcy moaned, a little more urgent when he circled her clit precisely, her hand coming up to grip his hair, the other clinging to the edge of the counter, her thighs falling further apart.

He buried his face in her neck, Darcy riding his hand, groaning as she came, unsure of whether she intended to laugh or cry from relief. It was like that every time he brought her off. He kissed her on the mouth, the sound of his belt unbuckling making another thrill of anticipation run through her.

“I want you right here,” he panted, taking his cock out, lining up with Darcy, pressing up against her. “Right – _here_ –”

He sighed as Darcy gasped, pushing inside her. With a few little thrusts, he was buried to the hilt, Darcy’s helpless little grunts spurring him on, and there was no hesitation. He began to buck in sharp thrusts, Darcy’s hands transferring to his face, taking it all.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he panted, laughing a little. “Jesus, Darce, I just wanna live here –”

One of his hands slipped under her dress again, finding her clit to rub and Darcy sucked in a breath, tightening and straining.

They were both moaning with each slam of him, the sound of their bodies together getting louder, too. Darcy could feel the coil deep inside rapidly growing taut, feeling so full and wanted, cherished in his arms as he kept staring at her face, pulling back after each greedy kiss to watch her as he fucked her, sweat growing between them…

Darcy came, her back arching, Steve grunting in response, not stopping his hips. He took hold of her thighs, thrusts speeding up, the distinct _slap-slap-slap_ of him among his breathless pants –

“Fuck!” Darcy yelled, everything bordering on too much.

“You’re gonna make me come, you’re gonna make me come,” he panted, over and over.

He went still, fingers biting into her ass now, groaning long and loud, Darcy feeling him jump inside her, among the haze.

He stumbled, Darcy catching him with her hands on either side of his face, panting and kissing sloppily, Steve’s laugh breaking through, a little delirious.

“Fuck,” he whispered, when he pulled back, lifting her dress a little.

He’d made a mess of her.

-

They spent the rest of the night and most of the following morning in bed, stopping whenever Darcy was too sore, or when they needed more water or food.

She’d never had this before, when all there was ever needed was to be next to someone. She hadn’t thought she’d ever find the type of love where sex could feel this way.

They ate naked in bed, at one point doing it on the floor, slow and sleepy. Steve put his mouth everywhere. Darcy didn’t think of how she looked beneath him, red all over and moaning.

“I feel so awake,” Steve whispered, when he was in fact heavy-lidded, spent and wet against his thigh, arms around her.

Nuzzling noses, she took the kiss he gave. And the next one. And the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Larry Lieber Libary, obviously.
> 
> [Woodrow Wilson](https://npg.si.edu/object/npg_NPG.65.84) by John Christen Johansen. 
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	17. xvii. I Don't Believe That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've neglected this story but I'm super delicate these days, and wowwwwww does this story carry so many of my projections. I am super depressed and constantly pushing through it, so writing angst is extra hard.

_Don't wanna be dreamin', warm in bed_  
_Don't wanna be old with one regret_  
_Gotta be a diva, have respect_  
_Be that girl you can't forget_  
**\- "She" by Hayley Kiyoko**

**xvii. I Don't Believe That**

Darcy was too deep in thought, probably. She wasn’t concentrating hard enough to realize it wasn’t in fact Jane standing in front of the fridge when she walked in, after staying over at Steve’s again.

“Hey, so I’m like, two seconds away from doing edibles –”

She abruptly cut herself off when the fridge door shut, and Darcy let out a little shriek. She hadn’t expected a shirtless man to be standing in her kitchen this early on a Tuesday morning, his curly dark hair wild, his eyes wide as Darcy stared back at him, her hand covering her mouth.

“I am so sorry!” she squeaked. “I thought you were Jane – not that you’re… uh, girly or anything, you’re very masculine, I’m just – fuck, I’m just a space cadet –”

Darcy ducked her eyes, turning away from him, trying to place him, because he seemed familiar.

“It’s okay, Darcy… I didn’t know you’d be back.”

“Oh, my God, _Bruce_ ,” Darcy said, her eyes going wide again, and she turned back, seeing his usually sheepish face was flushed. “What are you -? Oh.”

They fell silent and Darcy ran her hand through her hair, clearing her throat awkwardly. Bruce looked like he wanted to jump out the window.

Darcy lifted her eyes eventually. “So, how are you?”

She knew the answer couldn’t be great if he was here, no offence to Jane.

“Okay. I should probably…”

He sentence trailed off and Darcy stayed behind in the kitchen as he walked off, slipping back into Jane’s room. Darcy put on a pot of coffee, listening out, waiting for him to leave. Jane appeared, hair sticking up at the back, and Darcy sipped from her mug, watching her roommate get a bowl of cereal.

“So… Bruce, huh?”

“We used to hook up all the time, it’s not a big deal,” Jane said.

“He did _not_ look happy to see me,” Darcy retorted, unable to stop herself. She smacked her lips. “I mean, did you remember it’s my day off, or -? It’s a walk of shame for him.”

“They’re dumb and don’t make sense. No-one cares who has sex with whom,” Jane said, pouring her milk. She put the lid back on, grabbing a spoon.

“What about Thor?” Darcy said. “Did you call him back?”

“No, I did not, obviously,” Jane said. “He and Betty are going through a rough patch.”

Darcy vaguely recalled all the nuances of the Culver staff. It wasn’t entirely ethical that any of them slept together, especially with Jane being a PhD student and an assistant tutor, but it wasn’t like it was policed.

“I’m not going to call Thor back, ever,” Jane added. “So stop telling me to.”

“Okay,” Darcy breathed, crossing her arms as she set her mug aside. “You’re meant to cover my shift this afternoon –”

“I didn’t forget that,” Jane snapped. “I don’t need your angst today. If you’re worried about Steve’s ex again, don’t. Just don’t think about her.”

“Easier said than done,” Darcy retorted, feeling snippy.

All she ever did was look out for Jane, and she tended to respond with only hostility those days. Jane made a fair point though, she shouldn’t be so caught up in Jennifer again but she was meant to be chaperoning her and Riley that afternoon, hence her day off.

She wasn’t joking about taking something to mellow out in the lead up to it all, but she knew it was no way to cope with responsibilities. She gnawed at her lip, seeing Jane roll her eyes at her as she walked off to her room.

Darcy threw her arms wide suddenly.

“Did he at least wear a condom or did he just come on your stomach like last time?”

Jane ignored her, slamming her bedroom door, and Darcy deflated, sighing.

-

Darcy’s stomach was in knots when she arrived back at Steve’s. Her makeup was subtle, but she knew she’d spent far too long fussing over everything for no good reason. Jennifer was way prettier than her, _objectively_. And it wasn’t about looking good, it was about making sure Riley was safe.

Steve greeted her with a kiss, his hand slipping down to pat her butt a couple times and Darcy grinned at him, wishing they were back in bed like that morning, sleepy and loving, practically carefree. She kept waiting for him to not be so nice, for him to cool off. Every relationship started out that way with Darcy.

She quickly reminded herself she’d never met someone like Steve in all her life, so maybe her expectations were unfair. Darcy knew she tried to find the worst in people, and she usually did that pretty fast. It was easier than sticking anything out for longer than she was comfortable with.

She knew Steve was different. She’d already fought her way into his heart, and he’d done the same with her. This was just another stage to it, adjusting to his ex being around. She’d be fine. She could do this. It was fine. It was _fine_.

“She here yet?” Darcy murmured, and Steve shook his head, shutting the front door.

Darcy walked over to Riley in the living room, who was sitting on the couch already wearing her backpack. Darcy consulted her phone. Steve said Jen was arriving at 2.30 and it was nearly 3. He meant for her to have some time with Riley before Darcy arrived.

Darcy felt a fleeting triumph, before it was replaced with a disappointment she’d felt toward her own dad countless times. Without much effort at all, Jen had already let Riley down again. Darcy reached for Riley, brushing her hair from her face.

“You excited for the gallery, honey?”

Riley was distracted by the TV. Steve had begun to feel a little guilty about her screen time, but Darcy argued at least she didn’t have an iPad like a lot of the kids she saw on the train. That freaked her out, seeing toddlers watching YouTube, their heads permanently bent toward their laps.

Steve snatched up the remote, turning off the TV, and Riley glanced at him, confused, before her mouth set in a pout.

“Nope,” he said, shaking his head. He wasn’t going to let her argue. “When you’re in kindergarten, you’re not gonna watch TV all day.”

Riley’s frown deepened. “But I’m not at school.”

“You’re gonna get used to it before you go,” Steve countered, and Riley glared at him.

Darcy leaned down to kiss her forehead, Steve crossed his arms, nodding at her.

“Darcy asked you a question.”

“I. Am. Excited,” Riley mumbled, grumpy.

Darcy changed the topic, hoping to diffuse the situation. “You got sunscreen on? Where’s Elsa?”

Steve slumped slightly, faltering, but Darcy shook her head at him a little, retrieving the sunscreen from the kitchen, kneeling to start applying it to Riley’s arms. She knew Steve would probably spoil Riley when she got back, maybe buy her brownies or cake from the convenience store down the street even though he was supposed to be working that afternoon.

He had every right to not let her walk all over him, but she knew it was hard for him to put his foot down sometimes.

Riley’s little hands were balled into fists as Steve walked out to his office, while Darcy attended to her, humming the same few notes over and over from _Let It Go_. It didn’t take long for Riley to forget that she was unhappy with her dad, especially when there was a knock on the door.

Her little brows furrowed slightly with concern and Darcy rose to her feet, cupping Riley’s face.

“It’s okay.”

She went to the front door, concealing her own anxiety, feeling a little sick when she opened it, her eyes meeting Jennifer’s. She was wearing perfume, something sultry that Darcy’s stepmother would wear, heavy and adult. Her dress was a simple halter style with ruching up the sides, showing off her lithe bronze limbs. Her gladiator sandals were gold and high-heeled, and she towered over Darcy now, her taupe, groomed brows rising.

“Hey,” she said, her smile lacking warmth. “Didn’t know _you’d_ be here.”

 _You’re not a kid, she can’t talk to you like that_ , Darcy thought. Her brain was trying to goad her into being petulant but she willed herself to smile up at her with the false friendliness she gave to the fussier customers at Jay’s.

“Steve said you’d be here at 2.30,” Darcy countered.

She stepped aside, letting Jen walk through, and she shut the door, hearing her begin to justify it.

“I got caught up with something, I had a late lunch with some potential clients…”

 _Yes, make it about work. That’s always the best idea_. Darcy imagined Riley hearing this at an older age, Jen giving her the message that work was more important than family, implying that if Riley had a problem with it, it wasn’t Jen’s fault. Darcy’s dad had perfected that stance long ago. He always insinuated that Darcy was ungrateful, too, but Jen didn’t have a leg to stand on if that was the route she’d eventually take.

As far as Darcy knew, she’d never paid child support.

Darcy stood back as Steve appeared, watching Jen walk over to Riley and bend at the waist, smiling at her.

“Hi, sweetie. We’re gonna go have fun.”

She saw Steve and she beamed at him.

“Hi, Steve.”

“Hey,” he said, not as bright. “I’m working, sorry.”

“Oh, it can be a girls’ day out,” Jen said, giving a little wave. She looked down at Riley again. “And I’m gonna buy you so many presents.”

Riley didn’t look excited, only confused by this attention, especially after Steve tried to give her a reality check about kindergarten.

“I’m coming, too, hon,” Darcy said, and Jen gave her a quick glance, laughing a little.

“No, that’s okay –”

Riley, standing up, raced over to Darcy, colliding with her middle and hugged her tight.

“I want Darcy to come…”

“I’ll come with you, hon,” Darcy whispered, aware of Jen’s eyes on her. “We’ll make sure Elsa has a good time, too, okay?”

Jen straightened up, and Steve came over, dropping to kiss Riley’s face.

“Be good.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“I’m sorry for before,” he added, and Darcy felt her heart melt a little, watching him rub Riley’s little arm, his jaw ticking. “We’ll talk about it later. I want you to be happy when you go to school.”

“You’re gonna make _so_ many friends,” Jen said, and Riley glanced at her, confused again.

Darcy felt that was a warranted reaction. She had no idea what Riley was like around other children, how bossy and intense she could be. Jen was oversimplifying a lot of things, probably to just get a word in edgeways.

Steve stood back up, taking Darcy’s face in his hands to kiss her, with a tenderness she hadn’t expected, and when he drew back, he looked a little sadder. She wished she could stay, to comfort him, but she suspected he wasn’t going to let his own apprehension derail things further. Something else to talk about later, Darcy concluded.

They set off down the street, headed to the subway, Riley holding Darcy’s hand but not Jennifer’s. Darcy felt as though Jen looked out of place, a model walking down the street with a couple nobodies, though she and Riley looked so alike. Riley kept chatting to Darcy, and whenever Jen tried to interrupt, Darcy pictured a baseball pitcher.

Swing and a miss.

“Maybe I can take you shopping tomorrow?” Jen asked, when Riley had stopped talking to take a breath.

She was retelling _Mulan_ from start to finish, even though Darcy was the one to watch it with her two nights ago. Riley had fallen in love with it when Mushu arrived, which was Darcy’s intention.

Jen carried on when Riley looked up at her, frowning a little.

“You’ll need new clothes for school. Steve said you’re going next week for your first day. You wanna look fresh.”

Riley was five, she didn’t need to look any type of way, except herself. Darcy tried to not glare at Jen, choosing to look ahead as they kept walking. It also bothered Darcy that Jen referred to Steve as ‘Steve’ and not ‘Daddy’ or ‘your dad’. Everything Jen did and said seemed slightly off.

When Riley didn’t answer either way, Jen gave up, taking out her phone. They got on a train and they sat together, though Darcy wasn’t happy about it, pretending she and Riley were alone together, Riley on her lap with Jen next to them.

“How long have you and Steve been dating?” Jen asked, which caught Darcy a little off-guard.

She was thankful that Riley wasn’t paying much attention, playing with Elsa, making her walk across the window as they sped through the tunnels.

It was six weeks, by some arbitrary technicality, but Darcy knew what she and Steve had felt for one another had spanned longer than that. It was months, plural.

“Couple months,” Darcy said.

“And you were, like, the babysitter before?” Jen asked.

She was looking at Darcy a little closer, assessing something. Darcy had avoided doing this with several of her exes. She had often felt a little sorry with whomever had to deal with them next, but sometimes there were ones that turned into wives and on Facebook they seemed happy enough. Her high school boyfriend, if she could even call him that, had two kids and taught high school French in Rochester.

“We met at my work,” Darcy corrected, hoping she didn’t sound defensive. “It’s a grocers in Brooklyn.”

“Oh, my God, that’s adorable,” Jen said, grinning. “Like a cottagecore little moment. Love that for him.”

 _Oh, she fucking hates me,_ Darcy thought, a little floored by the realization. She stared back at Jen as she began to ask more about her work.

Darcy knew it outsiders her job was pretty basic, but she had begun to not care as much about her employment. At least she had a job. At least she wasn’t beating her head against a corporate wall and drinking herself into a stupor every weekend to cope.

“Has he told you he loves you yet?” Jen murmured, dropping her voice. “Cause he did with me after the third date, he was intense –”

Darcy didn’t know what to say, feeling her cheeks heat.

“- I think it’s because of his mom, losing her so young,” Jen went on, unlocking her phone and starting to type into it, replying to a text she’d got. “When we met in art school he was always all over me, especially after the tours.”

Darcy looked at Riley, seeing she wasn’t taking any of this in.

“He doesn’t talk about the Army with me,” Darcy admitted, and Jen’s face changed again.

“ _Really?_ He wouldn’t shut up about it when we were together. Or Bucky,” she said. “Maybe he thinks it’s too scary to hear. He might be over a lot of it, now.”

Darcy knew that couldn’t be true, especially with how he always changed when she tried to ask him about his past. She didn’t press, but she wanted to know, especially since he’d left so young with Bucky, before going into art school and meeting Jen. She wanted to know everything about him, because she loved him. She didn’t need a huge explanation, just some blanks filled in.

“Does he still have nightmares?”

 _Inappropriate_ , Darcy thought. She took too long to reply, and Jen’s eyes widened a little.

“ _Really_? _Still_? And then he was always _super_ intense after them…”

She was implying they had sex when he’d had a nightmare, and only Darcy would know that, since Steve hadn’t slept with anyone else since he and Jen had broken up. Darcy stared at Jen, words failing her as she kept going on and on, divulging too much.

She wanted to butt in, demand why they’d broken up if apparently they were so good together, but it was a childish move, and not worth her time. She turned her attention to Riley pointedly, when Jen had begun to share about Italy:

“We’d spend whole days in the apartment and walk around at night, throw coins in fountains, eat tons of spaghetti – I can’t do that now, though, ugh…”

Jen patted her perfectly flat stomach as Darcy kissed Riley’s forehead, the little girl resting against her chest, walking Elsa back and forth.

They walked out into the sunlight a few minutes later, weaving through tourists as they approached the gallery, one that Steve told Darcy about recently. He’d meant to take her there, just the two of them, but Darcy thought it wouldn’t hurt to take Riley there with Jen.

“God, I haven’t been here in _years_ ,” Jen said, laughing. “You been here?”

“No,” Darcy said, realizing her mistake. Steve had obviously been there with Jen in the past.

It made sense, she was his wife once. Darcy didn’t like remembering that detail over and over again, because her brain was trying to sabotage everything and tell her she wasn’t that special, what she and Steve had was too brand new to have that much weight to it.

Maybe he only was this into Darcy because she was the first woman to come around in two years that got along with his daughter…

She willed herself to snap out of it, taking Riley’s hand and walking up to the front doors, pushing in with Jen bringing up the rear.

“There’s a summer program I thought Riley might like,” Darcy said to Jen.

She lifted her brows. “Well, it’s educational.”

That was a dig. Boring Darcy with her boring, basic life. Darcy ignored her, leading Riley through the foyer after she donated a few dollars in a tin along the way. There were a dozen kids all sitting at little tables, coloring and drawing on sheets of paper, with other craft supplies in the middle containers that bordered each child.

Darcy knelt beside Riley, who was hanging back, unsure.

“Want me to come with you?”

Riley shook her head, biting her lip. She was shy. Jen touched her shoulder.

“I’ll sit with you. Wanna show Mommy what you can draw?”

 _She can draw anything_ , Darcy thought. _She can_ do _anything._ She was so defensive she felt hot with it, standing back as Jen and Riley walked over, Jen looking like an angel among a sea of cherubs. Other parents and nannies were watching her with Riley and Darcy felt her guts twist.

 _It’s not about you. It’s about Riley and her mom,_ she thought. It was Steve’s attitude, and she knew she had to adopt it, too.

At one point, Jen glanced up from the table.

“You can go check out one of the exhibitions and come back.”

Darcy didn’t want to, shaking her head. Jen smirked.

“Really, it’s okay.”

Darcy walked off, sighing a little, too anxious to take a lot of it in, though the paintings were intriguing. She kept thinking about Jen being there with Steve, years ago, happily married. There had to be things about her that Steve had loved, or otherwise he never would have fallen for her. Bucky seemed to constantly talk shit about her, though Nat often came to her defence.

She was thinking too much about her. Darcy walked back, feeling on edge, finding Riley smiling and giggling with her mom, eating ice cream in the foyer.

“Where’d she get that?”

“The guy on the street,” Jen said, unperturbed. “No big deal.”

Riley was going to think Darcy was controlling while Jen was fun and free. She’d start to see her trying too hard to look after her, she’d sense her anxiety. Maybe Darcy would make her anxious…

Riley still sat on her lap on the train ride back, but she was talking to Jen now. Darcy was hurting, trying not to, and trying her best to cover it. Her throat had a lump in it the whole time, all the way home. Darcy had begun to convince herself that Jen barely thought about her at all, until they met with Steve in the living room, Jen approaching him to hug him hello.

“Hey, Daddy…”

Did… she used to call him that? Darcy stared, watching as Jen kissed his cheek, Steve’s arm around her waist. He looked surprised at her affection, while Darcy felt the urge to throw herself at her, but knew it would solve nothing, only create more problems.

“How was it?” he asked, and Darcy saw his cheeks had gone pink.

The betrayal she felt, she couldn’t squash, so she walked out of the living room wordlessly, retreating to the kitchen to get a pitcher of water from the fridge and fill a glass.

She gulped it down, hearing Riley’s happy chattering, and Jen’s laughter.

She knew if she acted crazy and jealous it would make things worse, and Steve hadn’t done anything wrong. Jen was throwing her weight around in the way attractive people did, with their looks and arrogance. She fired off a text to Jane:

**_I could really use some weed when you get the chance._ **

She wished she had the balls to say what she wanted, which was that she needed Jane to be there for her, to listen to her and support her. She needed all the friends she could get, because she knew she was in so deep to care this much about this stranger and her influence.

She returned to the living room, draining her glass, her eyes meeting Steve’s for a second before she deliberately looked away, to Jen and Riley laughing together.

“So, what day is kindergarten?” Jen asked.

“Monday,” Darcy said instantly, voice empty.

Jen glanced her way, then back at Riley. “Then I guess you’ll have to tell me all about it Monday night. Maybe I can come over for dinner -?”

She’d looked at Steve as she suggested it, and from his seat on the couch he’d opened his mouth to answer, but Darcy cut in.

“Why don’t you go with Steve to drop her off on Monday?”

Darcy knew it was her going originally, but the more she thought about it, it made more sense if Jen was the one to go. Steve hadn’t forgotten their arrangement, his brows knitting.

“Darce –”

“Really, it makes more sense with you, right?” she said, and Jen gave a little shrug, smiling.

“I’d love to. If that’s okay with my girl,” she murmured, giving Riley a little wink.

Darcy felt sick, like the world could evaporate, forgetting to take her with it.

“It’s only a half day, and then we were gonna go to the park,” Steve said, but his voice was off. He wasn’t as excited as Jennifer.

He kept looking at Darcy but she refused to give him an inch.

“That sounds like so much fun,” Jen said with a grin.

She was so stunning it was difficult for Darcy to find any fault in her appearance. She lay on the charm so easily, while Darcy had to work so hard to be that type of gem. She didn’t speak again as Riley chatted, happily telling Steve about the ice cream Jen had got her. Darcy didn’t even sit beside Steve, fiddling with her water glass as things began to wind down.

“I need to get back,” Jen said. She gave Riley a little pinch on the cheek. “But I’m gonna miss you so much, sweetie.”

Steve walked her to the front door. She whispered something to him and Darcy told herself not to try to decipher it, watching her take his hand and squeeze it, her eyes shining up at his.

Darcy stayed quiet all through the night, unable to say anything worthwhile, feeling it building up and up, whatever it was that was making her feel like she’d been poisoned. She tucked Riley in bed, read to her with Steve leaning against the doorframe.

She slipped out into the hallway, Steve waiting for her, his voice dropped to a soft whisper.

“Are you gonna say anything to me?”

“What needs to be said, Daddy?” she said instantly, and he dropped his crossed arms, staring at her.

She walked toward the living room, feeling so angry but not knowing what to do with it. She glanced over at her bag, contemplating walking out. She didn’t know why she’d stayed this long, she wasn’t needed –

He tugged her back and Darcy meant to protest, but he caught her in a fierce kiss, Darcy melting into it, his possessive hands on her face, holding her still.

“Talk to me,” he said. His thumbs rubbed her cheeks. “Darcy…”

“What do you want me to say?” she hissed. “Nothing I say would be okay. I sound crazy. It’s not like she did anything wrong, she’s just – she’s your ex, and I’m an insecure little girl, pretending to be grown –”

“I don’t believe that,” Steve said, shaking his head.

“Steve, you know I’m right, whatever I say won’t help,” she whispered, feeling her chest tighten. “Because this was never about me. It’s about Riley and giving her a fair shot.”

Steve shut his eyes for a second, dropping his chin to his chest with a sigh. His hands left her and he stepped back.

“You know I’m right,” Darcy said again. “And you and Jen have years of your life I don’t know about. How could – how could I compete with that?”

“You’re not gonna listen to me when I tell you I want you, not her?” Steve retorted, and Darcy went still, unsure of what the right answer was.

“I don’t… I don’t know,” she mumbled. “I mean, I’ll be here. I can look after Riley whenever…”

Steve grit his teeth, surprising Darcy with his lack of patience.

“For fuck’s sake, Darce –”

“Fuck you,” she said, the words slipping out. “Stop acting like you get to be the only one with fucking baggage.”

He stopped abruptly, staring at her. Darcy felt as if she’d slapped him, summing up everything with the most heartless phrasing. ‘Baggage’ didn’t begin to describe what Steve had been through. She put her face in her hands.

“Fuck. Fuck,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. Fuck.”

This was such hard work, was it even worth it? She hated the villainous thought for existing, but there it was. She was ruining everything so fast, just because she was being selfish and jealous, and so, so childish.

“I’m gonna go, I’m only gonna make this worse.”

She turned away, ignoring him trying to reach for her again, seeing his face had changed. He was turning needy, wanting her to stay, following her as she grabbed her bag.

“Darcy…”

“No, I need to go, please,” she whispered, racing toward the front door, nearly stumbling in her haste. She grabbed the doorknob to open it, Steve reaching her side.

“Baby, you have to let me love you,” he said, and she shook her head, shutting her eyes for a second. “We can argue, it’s okay to disagree. It’s okay for you to call me out on my bullshit. _Please_ do that.”

She was panicking, opening the door. She turned, kissing him, only for Steve to deepen it, cupping the back of her head.

“I love you, please,” he said, and Darcy felt her eyes stinging. “Please let me love you.”

She whimpered, and Steve kicked the door shut, spinning her back around, pushing her bag strap off so it fell to the floor.

She knew that sex tended to be a reset button with them. It wasn’t a way for her to get over her insecurities, but she loved him too much, she loved the way he gave her everything.

They walked back to his bedroom, stripping bare, Steve’s mouth everywhere. Darcy threw a leg over him, taking him to the hilt, Steve’s knees lifting as he pushed up into her as Darcy clung onto his shoulders, tongues tangling –

Darcy was trembling so much she was making Steve shake in turn, whimpering helplessly as he wrecked her, sucking the breath out of her.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, and she couldn’t take it, she wished he didn’t say a word, only made little sounds like her, trying to smother them.

He flipped them, driving into her hard and slow, Darcy’s hand trailing down his chest, eyes following the moment to see each tattoo, each mark of his life.

He tipped her chin up to kiss her lips, looking her in the eye.

“I love you,” he whispered, with a reverence that made the lump return to her throat. “I _love_ you.”

When she came, she began to sob, and she didn’t know what she was crying about. She had what she wanted, which was a job and a person who loved her.

After, she lay beside Steve, stroking his face, seeing his lashes against his cheeks in the lowlight of the lamp. She leaned over, switching it off, and he drew in a breath, turning onto his back.

She leaned her head against his bare chest, willing sleep to come. Instead she lay there for hours, listening to him breathe.

_I’m not going to make it, if this doesn’t work out._

Maybe she needed to prepare herself for her inevitable fuck-up that destroyed everything. The fear wasn't melting away when Steve was on top of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swearrrrr this has a happy ending. I swear. It's going to hurt for a little while is all.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	18. xviii. Sail Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **cw** : mentions of cancer, drug use, angst on angst on angst

_Did you have fun?_  
_I really couldn't care less_  
_And you can give 'em my best, but just know_  
_I'm not your friend_  
_Or anything, damn_  
**\- "Therefore I Am" by Billie Eilish**

**xviii. Sail Away**

Darcy leaned back, until she was lying down, staring up at the night sky.

She still smelt the orange juice that had splattered on her apron earlier that day. She hadn’t taken it off, walking home from the station with Jane and Quill. It was Friday night, and she wasn’t seeing Steve for once. He’d be going out with Jen and Riley tonight, and Darcy had faked a headache.

It wasn’t that big of a lie. Thinking about Jen made her feel sick. Sometimes, she’d catch her breath and she’d feel her face grow hot, as if her envy brought on a fever. She shoved it all down as best she could, and she refused to talk about it, lest she cry and feel like a blubbering idiot. She sensed Steve knew she was off, but he didn’t demand an explanation. 

She, Jane and Quill had closed that evening. Quill had invited himself and neither Jane nor Darcy had argued. Darcy didn’t mind his company, despite his unwavering ability to be annoying more often than not.

She was handed the joint Quill had rolled, taking a long drag she held deep in her chest, everything growing taut, passing it to Jane. They were also drinking tequila, to speed up the process of unwinding.

“Jay didn’t buy the sponges I like,” Jane muttered, coughing once, subtly, before passing the joint back to Quill.

“Mm?” Darcy replied vaguely, knowing Jane had been particular.

“They’re not squishy enough,” Jane went on, and Quill snorted.

“How will you cope,” he murmured.

“Shut up, asshole,” Jane muttered, smirking a little.

She took another drag of the joint as Darcy willed her body to relax, checking her phone even though she knew it was a bad idea. She sighed, audible enough for Quill’s brows to lift, exchanging a glance with Jane.

“You good, New Girl?”

“You’ve gotta stop calling me that,” Darcy retorted, putting her phone away, rubbing her eyes and nose, an unflattering gesture, which proved that she was closer to him that simple work acquaintances or she was already feeling a little high.

Or both.

The tequila was making her cheeks begin to flush. She glanced over at Quill, frowning.

“What?”

“Does it give you a complex? I don’t wanna start calling you… ‘Darcy’ or whatever.”

“It’s my _name_ ,” Darcy retorted, and he flicked some ash, chuckling.

“Gross.”

He’d been on her case all shift long, which in a way she appreciated, because it meant she could be distracted for a few fleeting moments throughout the long day without Steve and Riley being around. She knew it was her choice, and therefore her own doing that she was fretting about not seeing them, and Jennifer taking her place, but she still didn’t want to suffer. She was pretending she didn’t feel so messy. 

“Would’ve thought you’d be hanging out with Steve-o tonight,” Quill murmured.

Darcy had already checked her phone for any new messages, seeing none, and she was tempted to do it again. She leaned up on her elbows, frowning yet again.

“How long’s his ex meant to be staying in town?” Quill added, when Darcy didn’t answer.

“Dunno,” Darcy said, leaning over to take the joint, sticking it between her lips. “She’s taking Riley with Steve to kindergarten on Monday…”

“I thought you were meant to be going,” Jane said, and Darcy remembered she hadn’t actually told her about that.

She glanced away, exhaling. “Yeah.”

“So it’s a sabotage,” Quill said, and Darcy shot him a look, inhaling long and hard again, holding it. “I’ve been there. Not worth it.”

“Your life is a long, slow sabotage,” Jane said, and he snorted.

“Yeah. But so’s yours.”

Jane was still ignoring Thor’s texts and calls. Darcy knew because Jane’s phone would blow up when her roommate was in the shower, early in the morning, and during her usual breaks at work. Thor knew her schedule well enough, which warmed Darcy’s heart, but she also didn’t know why Jane didn’t just block his number already.

“I’m getting my PhD,” Jane said, after a long pause.

She sounded already a little out of it. Darcy was beginning to feel things stretch in front of her. She wasn’t in her body as much, and her phone felt further away than just in her pocket.

She sat up, taking longer than usual to finally untie her apron at the back and pull it off, tossing it beside her as she kept the joint in her mouth, hogging it as Quill and Jane drank from their little tumblers.

She and Jane hadn’t occupied the building rooftop for a few months. The last time Darcy was there, she was dating that other guy – Tim or whatever… Her brain was taking longer to join the events that led her up to here.

“Darcy’s gone,” Quill said, beginning to laugh, and Darcy let out a soft giggle.

“You said my name…”

“Yeah,” he said. “You guys wanna play Never Have I Ever?”

“No,” Jane said, shutting her eyes. “I always lose.”

“Seriously?” Quill said, and Darcy gave a little snort. “Fuck it. I wanna lose.”

“Okay,” Jane said, shifting to sit cross-legged, looking up at Quill through his eyelashes. “Never have I ever faked sick for work.”

Quill rolled his eyes, and the three of them took a sip of their drinks.

“Boring,” he muttered. He cleared his throat. “Never have I ever sucked a dick.”

Darcy scoffed, Jane scrunching her nose.

“What? That’s so biased. You said you wanted to lose,” Jane said, and Darcy nodded, taking another drag. “Never have I ever had a one-night stand.”

Darcy didn’t take a sip, Jane and Quill narrowing their eyes at her. Quill licked his lips.

“Seriously, Darce? You look like that, and no guy has ever hit it and then immediately quit it?”

“You… kinda explained why,” Darcy said. “If I look like this, I guess that’s why they don’t ditch me come morning.”

“But your taste in men has been widely bad for a while,” Jane said. “No offense.”

“A thousand percent taken, Jane,” Darcy retorted, and Quill smirked. “And what’s wrong with being monogamous? Or… fucking shy?”

“It’s boring, and no-one cares,” Jane said instantly, finally taking back the joint and putting it between her lips.

“Amen,” Quill said. “Fuck around. Fuck anything –”

Darcy’s voice rose. “Never have I ever had sexual relations with a boy.”

They both watched Quill, whose gaze ducked to his glass, and he drank, Jane bursting into a grin.

“I knew it!” Darcy said, pointing.

“I am curious about dick-sucking is all,” Quill said, keeping his eyes averted, his cheeks turning pink. “Not that I’d ever – but, y’know. I wonder what it’s like for the girls.”

“What happened, Quill, you have to spill,” Darcy sing-songed, and Jane kept laughing, smoking and jiggling her knee.

She wasn’t masking at all now, stimming openly, cracking her knuckles as well.

“That rhymed,” Jane murmured.

“It was… fuck,” Quill said, passing a hand over his face. “Uh, fine. Fuck it. I was thirteen and I was at camp, this other kid–”

Darcy felt her heart sink a little, wondering if he was about to spill his guts about some trauma he hadn’t dealt with. She braced for it, wincing.

“-he jerked me off in the woods,” he said. “It was nice.”

“How romantic,” Jane said, flicking ash away.

“I thought you already knew that one,” Quill said, which surprised Darcy.

“No, I would’ve remembered,” Jane said, widening her eyes a little. “Someone ask one, I can’t think of anything.”

“That’s a first,” Quill said. A beat. “Where’s your bathroom?”

Darcy got up, but Jane was faster.

“I’ll show you.”

Quill managed to get up, walking toward the exit, Jane right behind him. He seemed to be leading the way, which made Darcy believe –

“Jane!” she hissed suddenly, and Jane stopped mid-step, while Quill walked down, disappearing through the doorway, the door slamming shut soon after.

Jane spun around, slower than usual. Darcy wasn’t sure if her friend was moving slower or she was perceiving her differently, it didn’t really matter.

“You’re not gonna… have sex with him?” Darcy whispered.

“What’s the big deal?” Jane retorted, and Darcy felt her eyes bulge.

“What? Are you -? Jane!”

“What, it’s happened like, a hundred times before,” she muttered. Her hands were in her back pockets.

Darcy was too stunned to come up with anything else to say, watching Jane walk back inside, and then she was alone, staring at the space they occupied not too long ago.

She felt like she’d been ditched at a party, which was exactly what had happened, and she sunk to her original spot on the roof, seeing Jane had left behind the rest of the joint. Darcy relit it, taking a drag, glancing at her glass, as well as Jane’s and Quill’s. She gave a short huff, exhaling smoke, before she snatched up both their glasses, draining them in quick succession.

“Assholes.”

Her phone buzzed and she fumbled, taking it out.

**_Feeling any better?_ **

Steve’s message had a little heart emoji next to it, and Darcy stared down at it, definitely spacing out as she smoked. She blinked slowly, trying to write something back. It was all out of time. She thought she’d only begun to type when she had already, and then he was messaging her back.

**_Okay._ **

What had she sent? She scrolled back up, squinting. She couldn’t see too well.

“Fuck,” she mumbled, scrubbing her face.

She’d written: **_Can I FaceTime you?_**

It was after Riley’s bedtime, which was lucky. She startled as her phone began to vibrate, Steve’s request coming through. He’d decided to call her? Darcy answered, blinking blearily down at her screen.

He appeared, smiling at her, his living room bookshelf behind him.

“Hey, baby.”

“Hey,” Darcy said, leaning her elbow on her knee, staring down at him.

“You hate FaceTime…”

He looked like he was trying not to smile at her, eyes searching her face.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Darcy blurted, and Steve began to chuckle, shaking his head.

“Did somebody loosen up a little?”

Darcy lifted her joint, which was still glowing.

“Yeah, a little, you mad?” she drawled, taking a long drag.

“No, just… you look so cute when you’re high. I’m missing you more and more with every second of this conversation, baby.”

“You… have no idea how much I wish I was there. I’d… I’d make a mess outta that beard, that’s for fucking sure.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Steve said, pressing his lips together, nodding.

Darcy scrunched her nose, closing her eyes. “Am I being too much?”

“No, you’re just the right amount.”

She looked down at him again, sighing. Steve stared back at her, another smile forming. Darcy kept rubbing her face, enjoying the sensation.

“I miss you,” she mumbled.

“I miss you, too. Are you okay?”

Darcy pulled in a deep breath of fresh air instead, looking away. She could hear Steve breathing, the sound of him swallowing following.

“I dunno,” she murmured eventually. “But… don’t worry about it.”

-

Darcy didn’t remember going to bed, but when she woke the next morning she did recall telling Steve she wanted dino nuggets, before lamenting she had none. She then announced she loved him and then hung up.

She then remembered Jane going off with Quill and Darcy drew in a deep sigh, wondering if there had been signs all along that they’d hooked up before, and Darcy was just oblivious. Thankfully when she left her room to get coffee and try to will herself into starting her day, there was no sign of Quill.

Darcy remembered he probably left at dawn for work, but she saw he’d left behind more weed in a little Ziploc bag with some papers, Jane’s phone next to it on the countertop. Darcy poured herself a mug of coffee, just as Jane’s phone began to buzz.

It was Thor. Darcy stared down at it for a few seconds, thinking of Quill. Jane had no intention of stringing Thor along, so maybe it was time to let him go. Darcy knew it wasn’t her place, but she didn’t want a repeat of last night. And maybe she wanted a little revenge. She was petty.

She snatched up Jane’s phone, unlocking it, and then put it to her ear.

“Jane’s phone, Darcy speaking.”

There was a short pause of surprise and then Thor began to speak.

“Hello, it’s good to hear your voice.”

“Is it?” Darcy said. “I would’ve thought Jane was preferred –”

“Well, yes, I’m sorry,” Thor murmured. “But how are you, Darcy? How is work?”

“You need to stop calling, Thor,” Darcy said. “Jane doesn’t want to speak to you, and she’s seeing other people. I know it’s not my business, but whatever you did, she doesn’t want to forgive you.”

Another pause, longer. Thor gave a little sigh.

“Yes. I know I was clear with my father that his behavior was unacceptable, but I know Jane would take it to heart. She doesn’t want anything to do with me, you said?”

So Thor hadn’t done anything? Darcy faltered.

“What do you mean? What happened on the 4th of July weekend?”

“Family dinner, the worst kind. You know the trope,” Thor murmured. “And then she took off in the night, she was so upset. And she hasn’t spoken to me since.”

Darcy closed her eyes. “Yeah. I know that one. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. I keep hoping.”

Darcy picked up her mug, sipping it. “Maybe… don’t? She isn’t really dating, I just don’t want you to assume she’s not… being loyal, or whatever.”

“Is she still thinking about getting a dog?” Thor asked.

“Maybe. She talks about that or her thesis, and that’s about it,” Darcy said. “And sponges.”

“Is her boss not buying the big ones?” Thor said, and Darcy felt her heart give a little pull.

“No, he’s not.”

The silence between them felt heavy. Darcy gave a short sigh.

“I should go. I’m sorry,” she said.

“That’s fine, Darcy. Thank you for picking up just the same.”

When Darcy hung up, she shook her head down at Jane’s phone. She put it aside, glancing toward the hallway, wondering what else she was supposed to do.

-

Riley’s hand in hers, Darcy took the stairs two at a time, the pair of them giggling along the way. Darcy had already noted that Elsa needed another bath, her hair tangling as she was hanging from her arm in Riley’s other hand.

“Have you been here before?” Darcy asked, and Riley nodded.

It was only the local library, not some fancy store or a gallery Steve liked. This was Darcy’s territory, something more mellow and free of charge. They walked in through the glass double doors, the main foyer greeting them with crisp air-conditioning, Darcy smiling down at Riley.

“They’ll have a library at your school,” Darcy said, as they walked through to the children’s area, full of bean bags and short red, yellow and blue shelving. Darcy ran a finger along some spines. “Except all the books will be for you, just some for older kids you’ll get to eventually…”

Riley watched as Darcy plucked a couple picture books off the shelf, flipping them over to read the back. Darcy met her gaze.

“Are you excited for Monday?”

Riley looked away, shrugging her little shoulders. “I won’t get a red juice.”

“I can make you one and bring it on Tuesday. And then you can tell me all about school.”

Riley didn’t seem as enthusiastic about that idea. She grabbed a random spine, pulling the book out and putting it in the wrong place, which Darcy quickly remedied. She gestured to a bean bag.

“Rest your little feet, honey. I’ll find us some dragon books.”

Riley obeyed, sitting down with Elsa, looking around the library. There were some patrons in other sections, it was pretty busy for a Saturday morning. Darcy had walked Riley down there so Steve could have a couple hours to get some work done. The plan was to go over to Bucky and Nat’s place that night while Sam babysat. Darcy was excited to finally see their apartment, but she wanted the time with Riley now outside of the apartment because of missing her yesterday.

Darcy joined Riley, who half-tipped into her lap, opening one of the books. She began to murmur the words, and Riley seemed happy enough, if a little subdued.

They walked back through the park, which was opposite the library, and Darcy was too curious for her own good.

“How was dinner yesterday? What did you have?”

“Chicken,” Riley replied. “Daddy ate some of my fries. Mommy ate pasta.”

“Do you like Mommy?” Darcy asked, and Riley frowned a little, confused.

Maybe she hadn’t expected to be asked. Darcy watched her, waiting. Riley swung Elsa a little, shrugging.

“Yeah. She’s pretty, like a princess.”

That was undeniable, and Darcy felt relief – she wasn’t actually jealous of Jennifer in that regard, and she was glad Riley didn’t dislike her own mother. Darcy could remember her own mom was her whole world when she was five years-old, and starting kindergarten had been a really scary transition for her. She knew Riley would be okay, as long as she was surrounded by love.

“Mommy got me a dress.”

“Yeah? Maybe you can show me it when we get back,” Darcy said.

The dress, Darcy realized, was Gucci. She knew Riley would stain it the instant she wore it, which Jennifer had to know as well when she bought it. It made Darcy suspicious, like it was another little flex. The woman earned six figures back in California, so what business did Darcy have competing with that, when she barely could afford rent with Jane in their shitty little apartment?

Money didn’t matter to Darcy, except when she needed it to survive. Other people telling her it mattered more than that bothered her.

The dress was cute, she had to admit. Cute and pristine and ludicrously expensive for a five year-old to wear to kindergarten. Darcy put it back in Riley’s wardrobe, Riley sitting on the floor with her stuffed toy bunny, hopping it along the carpet.

Darcy sat on the floor, thinking of Monday again, how she had scheduled for that afternoon off for weeks in preparation. She gnawed at her lip, distracted, not noticing Steve duck his head in until he said:

“There’re my two girls.”

Darcy’s eyes swung toward his and she gave a little smile. Instead of letting him leave alone, she got up, following him down the hallway and back to his office.

“What’s the project?” she asked, as he pulled her into his lap, watching her pick up a sketch pad, flipping through it. “Beverages?”

“Wedding cake illustrations,” Steve murmured. He pressed a kiss to Darcy’s neck, and her lips curled, appreciating the feel of his short beard scratching her skin.

“No, shit,” she murmured, finding one, a tiered cake that was tipping over. “These are adorable.”

“They’re okay,” Steve said.

Darcy put the sketchbook aside, her eyes shifting around his office, seeing a picture of Riley he had framed. It looked a couple years old. She looked more toddler-like, her limbs shorter, more baby fat on her face. She had a little cherub face, Cupid’s bow and all, her blonde curls wild.

“You got other pictures?” she asked.

“Yeah, in my room.”

Darcy got up, Steve following her out this time, and she walked into his room, moving toward his closet. She rolled the door open, glancing around.

“There,” he said, pointing up above her head.

Darcy reached up, plucking a couple thick photo albums from a stack. She sat on the bed, Steve joining her, and flipped one open.

Immediately, there was a picture of Jennifer, holding a little pink bundle in her arms, smiling at the camera. She seemed happy. Darcy didn’t look at Steve for his reaction, instead stared down at the little wrinkled baby that had to be a newborn Riley.

“Her first bath,” Steve said, tapping the next picture.

It was an aerial shot of a plastic bath, jellybean Riley in the water, the back of Steve’s head in view. He was wearing a chain and a white t-shirt. The next photo was Riley and Steve again, Riley in his arms as Steve was passed out on the couch.

“Bucky took that one,” Steve murmured.

Nat was in a few photos, with longer hair, Bucky beside her, dark circles under his eyes. These days, he seemed so much healthier looking by comparison, Darcy didn’t realize he’d looked so drastically different only a few years ago. His hair was longer, too, half up and half down, his beard longer.

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, knowing.

Riley began to grow in the series of shots, and Darcy could see less and less of Jen, her guts beginning to twist. She shut the album, clearing her throat.

“Got any embarrassing ones from your childhood?” she said, smiling at Steve, putting aside the album to open another. “Oh – oh, my _God_.”

“Jesus. I forgot about that one,” Steve muttered, passing a hand over his face.

It was a picture of a teenage boy with his face, but far shorter and skinnier than he was now, Bucky’s arm around him, grinning at the camera. They both wore basketball shorts, and Chicago Bulls jerseys, number 23.

“Frosted tips?” Darcy said, pointing at the picture. “My man had _frosted tips_ once?”

“Yeah, we thought we were the shit,” Steve muttered, scrubbing his face self-conscious. “That was after I stayed with Bucky.”

“Where’s one of your mom?” Darcy asked, shifting gears again.

Steve flipped a couple pages, then paused, a smile forming.

“There.”

His voice was gentle, reverent. Darcy glanced down, seeing a blonde woman with Steve’s smile standing, laughing at the camera, her hair blowing half in her face. They were at the beach, tiny Steve standing in front of her.

“We asked a Japanese tour group to take the photo,” Steve murmured. “The water was fucking freezing. I look blue –”

“You’re so cute,” Darcy murmured. “And your mom, she’s… she’s gorgeous.”

“Yeah. She was,” Steve said.

They went quiet and Darcy threaded her fingers through Steve’s, watching the side of his face. She swallowed, trying to form words that didn’t sound too invasive, but every idea she had sounded a little painful. That didn’t stop her from wanting to know more.

“Fuck cancer,” she whispered, and he nodded, a little sad smile forming.

“Yeah, fuck cancer,” he whispered back. He cleared his throat, eyes glassy. “I think she was sick there, already.”

“What?” Darcy said, staring back down at the picture.

Sarah Rogers was so vibrant.

“She didn’t know. Or, she didn’t tell me yet,” Steve said. “She had a seizure, when I was twelve. I think I’m eleven there. Not yet July.”

“Where were you, when she had the seizure?” she asked.

“I was, uh,” Steve said, scratching his forehead with his thumbnail. “Watching cartoons, and she was in the shower. Then I heard this bang, and I…”

“You pulled her out of the shower?” Darcy asked, gripping his hand a little tighter.

“Yeah,” he breathed. “Yeah, I did.”

He wasn’t looking her in the eye and Darcy rose her other hand to tilt his chin towards her, forcing him to look at her properly.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize to me about this,” Darcy said, feeling a little fiercer. “Okay? You got that?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Steve whispered, his sad smile intensifying.

The silence between them stretched and Darcy thought about telling her own story, about how she fed her mom ice chips for two weeks straight, the morphine dripping as slow as molasses, never enough for the pain… She wanted to tell him about telling her mom she could let go, she’d be okay, she’d lied to her in the end. Except then she knew she’d start to cry and she didn’t want that.

She changed the subject, flipping pages. She stopped, tapping a picture.

“Why did you join the Army?”

“I don’t fuckin’ know,” Steve muttered, chuckling. “Because Bucky did? Because I was broke?”

“Okay,” Darcy murmured. “I mean, the uniform looks _great_ on you.”

-

Darcy and Steve weaved through the people in the street, hand in hand, the summer air warm as ever. Darcy felt closer to him, knowing more than she had that morning about him.

She knew what type of guy he was, but some of the gaps were gone, now. She noticed the times he’d stare off a little when recounting Afghanistan. She knew when to not press him, and when to draw him back in with kisses to his skin, with rubs to his arm or with a squeeze of her hand.

She felt better, less childish. He hadn’t shielded her when she asked the worst questions.

“The nightmares. Do you remember them that well, when they happen?”

“They’re the same few, kind of in rotation,” he said, swallowing. “Shit that’s happened, and then shit that could’ve happened differently.”

They’d been sitting on his bed for the last half an hour, talking, the photo album still open on Darcy’s lap, but more or less forgotten.

“IED, taking out a villager. We couldn’t stop that one,” Steve said. “He… didn’t die instantly. And his wife and kids saw, they were screaming.”

Darcy gripped his hand, pressing a kiss to his cheek, nuzzling him there.

“We shouldn’t have been over there in the first place, none of us,” Steve muttered, shaking his head. “We brought it to ‘em.”

“Not your fault,” Darcy murmured, and Steve shook his head.

“Sure, not directly, but… still.”

“I wanna ask,” Darcy said, and Steve glanced at her, seeing her hesitate. “About Bucky.”

“You can.”

“What happened, to make you both leave?”

Her voice was barely a whisper. Steve licked his lips, then rolled his bottom one, bit it, and let it go.

“We saw a guy execute a civilian. Cold-blooded murder. We told anyone who would listen, but the report was totally different,” Steve said. His jaw worked and he sighed. “We figured out too late the people we were surrounded with. Shit rolls downhill, and I didn’t want any more to do with it. Buck was… he was in trouble. So was I.”

As they reached Bucky and Nat’s apartment building, Darcy turned to him, reaching up to kiss him on the lips, Steve returning it. She’d seen the shift in him, after he’d told her more about the Army. Had he ever shared with Jen those stories? Had she asked?

Something told Darcy no. Or worse, maybe he had and she had failed to understand well enough.

They walked up the steps, knocking on the front door. Nat answered, bringing Darcy into a tight hug, leading her in. Steve was handed a beer by Bucky, who swooped in to kiss Darcy on the cheek.

“We’re singing karaoke,” he said, and Darcy made a face, glancing Nat’s way.

“If we get drunk enough,” Nat said, smirking. “Which... is entirely possible.”

“Halfway there,” Bucky said with a grin, tipping his own bottle back.

“Well, I brought weed,” Darcy said, and Bucky went still, eyes widening.

He then offered his hand.

“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Bucky, I’ll be your host this evening…”

Darcy began to giggle, shaking his hand, before he looped an arm around her shoulders, steering her through the apartment.

There were several photographs of he and Nat together in frames along the walls, plus family photos of Bucky with the rest of the Barnes clan. Bucky pointed to one of Nat with an ice cream, grinning up at the camera with her hair in a long braid down her back.

“My wife.”

He murmured it, proud. Darcy smiled at him.

They managed to drink enough for karaoke to begin after they polished off a couple pizzas, and Darcy knew she couldn’t carry a tune, but the enthusiasm had outweighed the nerves, especially after she sparked up.

Steve had rolled the joint with a fluency that had Darcy staring, and he glanced up at her, offering it with a lighter.

“What, I went to art school,” he said, and Darcy leaned over to kiss him.

“Also, you were in the Army,” piped up Nat, and Steve glanced her way, sheepish.

“Uh, yeah. But that was –”

“Stronger? Yeah. Coked up at the bases, I know what you got up to,” Nat said.

Darcy stared at him, inhaling. “What?”

“Not me,” Steve said. “Bucky was the one running around –”

“Booger sugar, fun times,” Bucky said, before taking the joint and inhaling deep. He held it, exhaling through his nose. “Well, not fun for Stevie. Poor lil’ guy.”

“He tried to climb a flagpole,” Steve murmured to Darcy.

Bucky stood up from the couch, clapping, joint in his mouth. “Okay. Karaoke time. You’re up, doll.”

Darcy and Nat exchanged a glance.

“You’re ‘doll’ right now, not me,” Nat said, and Darcy grimaced.

“Please, no. I’ll wait.”

Bucky shook his head, joint glowing as he took another pull. He exhaled.

“Dolly Parton…”

Darcy sighed, relenting. She took the microphone he offered and the track began to play. Darcy pointed at Nat and Steve on the couch.

“Do not laugh. Or record this.”

“We promise we won’t,” Nat said, and Steve fought back a grin.

Darcy took the joint from Bucky, handing it to Steve, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He took a drag, smiling up at her. Darcy almost missed her first line to sing, after Bucky sung the opening lyrics to _Islands In the Stream_.

Darcy couldn’t deny that this song always made her happy, no matter where she was, or how her day had gone.

Darcy stared at Bucky, hearing he could actually sing. She looked over at Nat, brows raised.

_Islands in the stream_

_That is what we are_

_No one in between_

_How can we be wrong_

_Sail away with me_

_To another world_

_And we rely on each other, ah ha_

_From one lover to another, ah ha_

By the time they reached the second chorus, Steve and Nat were singing along, too, cheering. Darcy couldn’t stop smiling, giggling as Bucky began to belt it out.

When they finished, Darcy fell in beside Steve, seeing he was looking heavy-lidded and dreamy, grinning down at her. There was a soft buzz between them and Steve grunted, putting the joint between his teeth to take out his phone, checking it.

He put it away and Darcy frowned, wondering why his face changed.

“Okay?”

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Just Jen.”

Darcy frowned a little. “What did she say?”

As they spoke, Bucky and Nat were singing _9 to 5_ together.

“She sent a picture.”

Darcy put her hand out. “Show me.”

Steve stared back at her. “Darce. Not like _that_.”

Darcy didn’t put it beneath Jen to send him something inappropriate. Maybe she was a little out of it, to be demanding him this, but Steve handed his phone over, watching as Darcy unlocked it, and thumbed through to his messages.

It was a picture of him looking at Riley at a table, at the restaurant they were undoubtedly at last night. Riley was smiling up at him, deep in conversation. The caption underneath read:

**_You’re right. We had the best time last night._ **

Darcy felt sick. She handed it back, moving to pick up her beer, taking a steady sip. It wasn’t enough, so she got up.

“Where’s the bathroom, Buck?” she asked, and he pointed toward the hallway, and she followed his finger, taking off.

She walked past the photo frames, could still hear her hosts singing along to Dolly Parton. She knew Steve would be worried, but she didn’t want him to see this. She didn’t want to ruin the night with her bullshit again.

She shut the bathroom door, leaning against it. She covered her mouth with her hand, feeling it all hit her at once, and she began to sob.

She sunk to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees as she wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> interesting timing on Jen's part, huh
> 
>   
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	19. xix. You're Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic has over 9,000 hits now, what the fuck - HI I LOVE YOU
> 
>  **cw** : smut, angst and some bloody descriptions

_You remind me of a time when things weren't so complicated_  
_All I need is to see your face_  
_Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'_  
**\- "breathin'" by Ariana Grande**

_If you're gonna break my heart this is a good start_  
_Kiss it off me_  
_You always bite your lip when you're feeling it, as we move slowly_  
**\- "Kiss It Off Me" by Cigarettes After Sex**

**xix. You're Okay**

“Darce.”

Darcy looked up from her chopping board, seeing Peter in the doorway, brows furrowed. He was sweaty and wearing gloves, meaning the juices were not stopping and Darcy was going to be out back for a while longer cutting fruit. She didn’t mind, the repetitiveness of it was oddly soothing.

“Yeah?”

“Do we have acai?” he asked.

Darcy shook her head. Peter disappeared as Quill walked in, moving a cart and lifting a couple boxes of bananas onto it, their eyes meeting. Darcy hadn’t spoken to him that much since he slept over at their place, and she wasn’t sure how to get past how blindsided she felt by it all still. She felt very ignorant, especially since Jane said it happened ‘a hundred times’ before. Even when high, Jane didn’t often exaggerate numbers and it wasn’t like her at all to spare people their feelings.

“Can I ask you something?” Darcy said, and Quill’s brows lifted a little.

“Uh oh,” he murmured. “By that tone, I’m guessing you’ll ask me anyway…”

“Why… Jane?” Darcy asked, and Quill lifted a box of avocados to place on top of the pile.

He wiped his forehead.

“I think you wanna ask her – why him?” he retorted, and Darcy glanced away, back at the watermelon she was cutting. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, it’s so not my place,” Darcy murmured. “I’m just worried about her, and she gets like this when she’s depressed.”

“She’s a big girl, she can make decisions for herself,” Quill said, and Darcy didn’t appreciate his sentiment. “Not that she’s big at all. Tiniest chick I ever been with.”

Darcy spun around, crossing her arms. “I tend to be the friend that threatens castration, so –”

“Yeah, no, shit,” Quill said, unbothered.

Darcy watched him leave with the boxes, turning back to her fruit. She worked steadily for a few minutes, until he appeared again, the cart empty.

“I don’t like _her_ , New Girl,” he said, moving up behind her to grab a pair of scissors from the magnetic strip on the wall.

Darcy went still, not wanting him this close. She waited, going back to cutting as he moved back to cut some plastic ties from a box of pasta sauces. Darcy turned a little to look at him again.

“Who do you like?”

“Well, _you_ ,” he said easily, shrugging. “But you think I’m disgusting –”

Darcy’s cheeks flushed instantly. “I… don’t. You’re cute.”

“I’m alright, baby,” he said, putting up a hand. “I don’t need to hear you let me down easy. I like Gamora, too.”

Darcy paused her cutting, wracking her brain. “Don’t know her –”

“She’s a truck driver you’d never see because you work Lazy Bitch Hours,” Quill retorted good-naturedly.

“Excuse you, I got here at 8AM today,” Darcy said, laughing a little.

“My expectations have adjusted,” Quill said, tilting his head. “If you don’t get up at 4 like me, you’ve got another strike against you.”

“Wow,” Darcy said, scooping up fruit to throw into a container to her right. “ _Another_ strike?”

“Yeah, you’ve already got a dude sniffing after you –”

“God, you’re so charming,” Darcy said, rolling her eyes, smirking. “Does Gamora appreciate this sense of humor?”

He gave a little snort. “Nope. She fucking hates me.”

He didn’t seem hurt by this, only a little amused, and Darcy blinked at him. She wondered how he seemed so at ease about his place in the world. She didn’t know a lot about his life outside of the store, except that he liked to party most nights, and was a hard worker.

She got the feeling people underestimated him a lot of the time, herself included.

“So, you and Steve doing a lot of… y’know-?”

Quill bit into an apple.

“Sex?” Darcy murmured, turning away.

“- _fucking?”_ Quill amended, and she twisted back around to glower at him. “What? It’s not like you were being appropriate, sticking your nose in my business.”

Darcy threw more watermelon aside, picking up the chopping board to rinse it and then start on some apples. Her silence only made Quill chuckle.

“I’m gonna take that as a ‘yes’,” he said, coming up behind Darcy again, making her bristle. “His ex still around?”

Darcy knew Quill knew the answer to that was also a resounding ‘yes’. Today was meant to be Riley’s first day of kindergarten, and Darcy had still managed to get through the rest of the weekend somehow, despite her insides feeling as if they’d become corrosive from envy. Since going to Bucky and Nat’s apartment on Saturday, she’d only shoved down all the negativity, refusing to allow Jennifer the power she craved. She knew that Jen must have known Darcy would see the text message, along with the adorable photo of Steve and Riley at their dinner.

She knew she couldn’t prove any of it without sounding as jealous as she was. She knew it wasn’t a good look, and it was the last thing on Steve’s mind, it was the last thing he needed to worry about. When he wasn’t working, Darcy knew he was thinking of Jen and how Riley needed everyone involved no matter what.

“Yeah, she is,” Darcy murmured. Without looking at Quill, she added: “And yeah, we do.”

Sex had been… _interesting_. That morning, before Darcy had to leave for work, she’d woken around dawn, remembering she’d slept in one of his shirts. She didn’t see the point in pajamas on August nights. The lingering warmth of the night had followed into the morning, and she knew it was going to be another humid and stifling day. She drew in a breath, turning her head to the side, seeing Steve was already awake and probably the source of what woke her initially.

“Sorry,” he whispered.

His hand was on her face, then stroking down her head to her back. His fingers slipped under the back of the neckline, which hung loose. The fabric was soft, the shirt itself originally a stark white that had grayed over time. Darcy gave a soft hum of approval as Steve stuck his hand under the bottom of the shirt, trailing his fingers up to her back, rubbing, digging into the muscles.

It was only a matter of time before his shirt was pulled off and Darcy lay back down, head facing away as Steve began to massage her shoulders with both hands, thumbs digging in, moving in circles. The grind of his palms and fingers made Darcy’s back burn with appreciation, aches melting away as she let her eyes fall closed.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed. Other guys had given up pretty fast, or not bothered at all. Steve seemed more than happy to do the same movements over and over, skirting over Darcy’s lower back, digging into the dimples there, before shifting back up again.

“That feels so good,” Darcy murmured, and she was sure she sounded drunk.

Everything was utter bliss with Steve when it was just the two of them. Darcy could forget about Jen, after she thought about how he must have done this for her, too. She wasn’t letting herself ruin this because of her insecurities.

Steve’s low chuckle made her insides warm with desire. He pressed a kiss to her bare back, grazing his nose along her spine. He moved back to keep rubbing her shoulders, Darcy’s little groan muffled in the pillow.

He wasn’t moving back and asking her to return the favour. Darcy let herself feel everything, her hips circling more than once when his thumbs went lower to just above her underwear, skirting the hemline.

Darcy held her breath when he finally tugged down her underwear, hands rubbing her rear end, thumbs drifting to the space in between, and Darcy bit back a moan, hearing Steve inhale. Her face tingled, feeling oversensitive, sucking in a breath as his thumbs ran along her folds.

“You trying to hide how wet you are?” he murmured.

“Hh-un- _God_ ,” Darcy whispered, as he began to play with her, swiping her clit and petting, not quite inside her.

He turned her over, faster than Darcy was expecting, and their eyes met before his fell back down to the cut of her, his lips parted.

“Why are you hiding from me?” he whispered, and he lowered himself down, taking hold of her face, kissing her lips.

Darcy’s hands were slipping between them, moving over the front of his underwear, squeezing his length through the material, smelling his musk already. Her hands dove in, stroking him as Steve kissed her again and again. It was like the first time, like it wasn’t a sure thing. Annoyingly, Jen resurfaced in Darcy’s mind. Steve _was_ intense.

The kisses were wet and rushed, made clumsier as she stroked Steve a little harder, faster as he bucked into her fist, his hands holding her face.

What was it about his hands? He always kissed her like that, holding her, cradling her. Keeping her steady as he rendered her breathless and dizzy with his love.

They shoved his underwear away and Steve moved back up between her thighs, nuzzling her, Darcy’s fingers slipping under the chain around his neck, her other hand on his chest, over the eagle, feeling the hairs there, smelling his musk mixing with her own.

He was so beautiful, hovering above her, watching her guide him between her legs, Darcy’s chin lifting a little as they joined, Steve pushing inside.

The stretch always made her heart jump into her throat. Every time he wasn’t inside her, it felt like her brain made up what it felt like. Her imagination didn’t do it justice. She didn’t think it was possible to feel this way, about someone else’s body, to crave it like this.

He kissed her forehead, her eyelids, then her cheek… he was making the rounds as his hips ground into hers, everything slow and heady. Darcy was about to prompt him with her nails digging into his back, or her heel on his ass, but he moved up to kiss her on the mouth, hips snapping, and Darcy’s whole body came alight – a whimper falling from her lips.

Whoever didn’t like missionary didn’t do it right, Darcy concluded. Steve was off to the races, pushing and retreating, hand slipping under to lift Darcy’s hips, hitting a spot with each stroke that had Darcy’s fingers digging into Steve’s hair and the back of his neck.

“Harder, harder,” she whispered. “Please… fuck, _Steve_ …”

She loved moaning in his ear. She hoped he played it back when they weren’t in bed, along with her hushed begging. She could feel herself winding tighter, drowning in the sensations of Steve dragging back and forth. He sensed her being closer to her end, his hand reaching between them to rub her clit, his head moving back from where he’d buried himself in her neck, their noses brushing.

“I’m gonna come,” Darcy whispered.

She didn’t usually tell him that, but she was compelled to now, to have him hear how good it was for her. She wanted him to see all of her.

“Fuck – you’re gonna make me – I’m –”

She bit her lip, smothering the sound as her eyes fluttered shut.

“Come for me,” he whispered. “Show me…”

That was new, too. Darcy was shivering, the world beginning to disappear, a rush of heat and sweetness –

“That’s it. Attagirl,” he whispered. “Good girl…”

That did it. Darcy shook, clenching around him, her hips bucking, working against him as Steve’s hips halted, his hand still working her clit.

He kissed her hard, and Darcy was writhing under him, pushing up against his chest, Steve pulling out to lay on his back, Darcy crawling up him to wrap her lips around him, taking him to the root, coughing from her own enthusiasm, willing her throat to relax…

Steve only lasted another few minutes, his hand slipping down her back to grip her ass, watching her arch her back and work him over with rushed sucks and licks –

“Fuck,” he gasped, his other hand reaching for the back of her neck, fingers digging into her hair.

The gesture spurred her on, making it harder for her to breathe, but he was worth it, to hear Steve’s bitten back moans, his panting and straining as he tried to last longer.

“Baby,” he whispered, and he tugged her back, Darcy’s hands still wrapping around him to stroke, her mouth and chin wet with spit.

He got up from the bed, Darcy following, on her knees and grinning up at him. With her mouth full again, Steve watched her wreck him, both hands now in her hair, one thumb brushing her cheek.

He kept his eyes open as Darcy moved back, jerking him, nodding.

He came down her front, grunting as his eyes squeezed shut at the last second, and Darcy loved the warmth of it, the evidence left behind of how good she’d made him feel.

“Shit,” she heard him whisper, watching her suck on a couple fingers, before reaching for the Kleenex box.

Hours later at work, Darcy had kept thinking about it, how filthy everything had turned, and how it had felt natural. She wasn’t ashamed, but Quill was right – it _was_ fucking, not simply ‘having sex’.

She also wasn’t performing, which she hadn’t realized until that morning. She must have had a little smirk on her face, because Quill didn’t seem amused, his attempt to embarrass her backfiring.

“Alright,” he muttered, giving a little dismissive wave. “I need to get a delivery together.”

He disappeared again and Darcy finished up the apples, lugging them with the watermelon out into the store, seeing there was a line waiting for juices. She sprang into action, dashing to the register.

“Who was next?”

The following half hour was a real rush, but she knew she and Peter made a good team, managing to weave around one another behind the counter, Darcy’s hairline beginning to dampen with sweat. She did not envy the customers that were going back outside, at least in the store they had the ceiling fans.

“Where’s Quill? He needs to re-spray the herbs,” Darcy said to Peter. “Was Jay meant to come back from lunch?”

“I think he went to get his dry cleaning,” Peter said, handing a woman a bottle of pineapple juice with mint. “And Carol’s not back this afternoon, she’s at the dentist.”

Jane was already at Culver that day. Darcy suppressed a sigh, not wanting customers to see her too stressed out. She knew now that having witnesses to her freaking out only made it worse, so she looked away, raising her voice.

“Quill!”

There was no reply. Darcy moved out from behind the counter, grabbing a spray bottle. She thought about complaining to Jay about getting an A/C put in, but knew how that conversation would go. Any suggestions she tended to make was met with a series of Italian expletives and Darcy already knew Jay barely made a profit.

Perhaps if she spoke to Carol –

“Darce, are we out of beets?”

Darcy ducked into the fridge below, snapping back up again.

“Ugh. Yeah,” she muttered. “Do you mind?”

“No,” he murmured, shrugging.

The line had dwindled to two women, one of them handed a bottle of watermelon, mint and lime juice as they spoke.

“I’ll go cut some,” Peter said, and Darcy nodded, taking over the juicer.

The woman waiting for the final juice was happy to stay chatting on her phone, Darcy’s mind wandering to Riley, thinking by now she would have finished up at the school, and she and Steve would be walking through the park with Jennifer.

And just like that, Darcy’s mood shifted again, and she felt her face fall, capping the bottle she then handed to the lady. She was left alone in the store, no customers perusing the aisles.

She took out her phone, seeing her battery was low, and she considered finding one of the chargers they kept behind the counter, when she heard a bang from out back.

“You okay, Petey?” she called.

Silence. She frowned, pulling in a sigh. It better not be a prank waiting for her when she got out there. Sometimes, Quill would jump out from behind a shelf or a door and scare whoever was walking past, and more often than not he managed to get Darcy. She tensed her shoulders as she walked out from behind the counter, all the way to the doorway of the back room.

Peter, who was standing at the sink, had a dish towel wrapped around his left hand. The towel was soaked with blood, and it was dripping on the floor. Darcy froze, her stomach dropping.

“Oh, my God, Peter,” she gasped, and she darted toward him, seeing he’d gone pale.

There was blood on the cutting board, on the knife that seemed to be the culprit.

“Shoot, shoot,” Peter hissed, panting a little.

He’d gone into shock, shaking as he gripped the dish towel, his free hand’s knuckles white with the effort.

“You can cuss, Petey, it’s okay,” Darcy babbled, trying to lighten the mood.

“It fucking hurts!” Peter hissed. He sucked his teeth. “Fuck!”

“Lemme see,” Darcy whispered, and she was moving to unfurl the towel.

Big mistake. What was revealed was a deep gash along his left forefinger, deep red and gaping. When Peter wiped it clean, it was instantly flooded with more blood, spilling over –

“Okay, it’s okay,” Darcy whispered, and she was wrapping it back up, tighter, Peter groaning. “You’ll need stitches, but it’s okay. You’re okay.”

“My aunt May is gonna kill me,” Peter whispered. “This is, like, her worst nightmare, me getting hurt at work.”

“It was an accident,” Darcy said, and she wrapped one arm around his middle, her other hand on his that covered the bloody towel. “We just have to get to the hospital, maybe Quill – _QUILL!”_

Darcy was trying to keep the panic out of her voice but she’d begun to shake, but mercifully Quill appeared thirty seconds later, sweaty and panting, looking ready to tell her to stop yelling so much, but he froze at the sight of Peter pale and bleeding, before covering his mouth.

“Is that _blood_ -?”

He made a low retching sound, turning away.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Darcy snapped. “You’re afraid of blood?”

“Not afraid!” he yelled. He put a hand up to shield his view of Peter’s hand. “It makes me puke, I –”

He doubled over, gagging, and Darcy prodded him with her sneaker.

“Hey, we need to get him to a hospital, now. Can you drive us?”

“You’re going, too?” Quill said.

“Yes, I’m not leaving him,” Darcy hissed, impatient.

She knew he needed someone, and she couldn’t expect Quill to show the emotional maturity that was required. She huffed.

“You’ll drop us off and come back here. And we need to call Jay, wherever the fuck he disappeared to-”

“Jesus Christ – ah – alright,” Quill managed to say, in-between dry heaves. He screwed up his face, nodding. “We’ll put up a ‘be right back’ sign.”

Darcy guided Peter to the truck, which she’d never ridden in before, everything smelling of dust, cigarette smoke and leafy greens. She managed to keep his hand upright, the blood seeping through, and she kept clutching it when her own hands were wet, everything sticky as they weaved through the streets. Every jolt of the truck made Peter groan, while Quill was dry-heaving the whole way. He wound down the window on his side to take gulps of fresh air, panting and groaning like Peter was.

As they arrived at the emergency entrance, Darcy did her best to not bump Peter too much, a difficult task to do quickly, hopping out of the truck. She rose her leg and kicked the door shut, and Quill saluted her.

“You’re incredible.”

“Get outta here, idiot,” Darcy retorted, and Quill obeyed, the truck’s tires screeching as he took off.

Darcy walked with Peter, hearing him swearing under his breath the whole way, only to reel it in when they approached the front desk.

“I cut –”

“The bleeding is profuse,” Darcy said, narrowing her eyes at the nurse. “We need stitches now, unless you want someone to slip on the blood on the floor.”

“Okay, ma’am, we’ll need to you fill in some paperwork…”

Darcy did her best to not snap at the woman, sensing Peter’s mounting nerves and pain by how he was straining, quickly moving with him to take a seat, snatching the clipboard she was offered.

“I’ll need your phone, to call your aunt,” Darcy said, beginning to fill in the form, her eyes darting from the paper to Peter every few seconds.

It was hard to concentrate with the woman opposite them coughing endlessly, the other hospital sounds of distant sirens, announcements and beeps blending together. She bit her lip, quickly putting in his birthdate and other details, Peter’s brows furrowing.

“Your remembered my birthday?” he murmured, and Darcy nodded.

“Yeah, you’re a Libra.”

She got up, dashing over to the nurse, who told her it wouldn’t be a long wait, but Darcy couldn’t calm herself, settling back next to Peter, her eyes on his bloody towel. She patted her front, wear she’d stuffed Peter’s phone earlier, remembering she’d stashed it in her apron on their way out to the truck. She unlocked it when Peter told her the code, flipping through to his contacts.

“She’s gonna kill me,” Peter whispered.

“Shh,” Darcy whispered, and she touched his head with her hand, encouraging him to lean against her shoulder, her hand on top of his as they waited.

Aunt May sounded immediately alarmed, vowing she’d be there as fast as possible, and Darcy hung up after she assured her Peter wasn’t alone, he’d be okay, if a little spooked.

“No more fruit cutting,” May had said, and Darcy didn’t tell her it didn’t necessarily work that way.

Peter was nearly sixteen and had a mind of his own. As they waited, Darcy’s fingers stroking his hair, she murmured:

“You might have a scar. Chicks dig scars.”

It was her best impression of Quill and Peter gave a half chuckle.

“Doubt it.”

“Your Aunt May – what does she do?” Darcy asked, when she heard him hiss again in pain when he shifted next to her.

“She’s a social worker,” he said. “She only went back to working full-time once I left middle school. She’s kinda… a lot. But I get it. She’s been there ever since my parents died.”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t want me working for Jay, at first. But then she met him,” he went on. “After today, she’ll want you over for dinner.”

“Sounds good to me,” Darcy said, and she meant it. “I lost my mom, too.”

Peter swallowed. “Yeah, I knew you did.”

Darcy liked to think she hated hospitals more than the average person, and she’d spent countless hours in waiting rooms like this. She shifted, looking down at his hand.

“Hey, we better ask the nurse again how long this’ll take –”

“Parker?”

Darcy sat bolt upright, Peter’s nose bumping her, glancing toward the front desk. The nurse beckoned them and Darcy took hold of his arm, easing him to his feet. They wandered over to the nurse, the double doors opening.

Darcy held Peter’s hand as he got stitches, and by the time the nurse was done his aunt arrived, terrified and reaching for him, Darcy ducking out of the way just in time before she collided with her nephew in a tight hug.

“Hey, I’m okay, I’m okay, Aunt May,” he said, voice muffled.

Darcy didn’t expect to get her own hug, her arms limp at her sides for a few seconds before she rose them to hug her back. May was soft and smelt of gardenias, her Queens accent as thick at Peter’s, her brows furrowing.

“You okay? Oh, God. Your apron’s ruined,” she said, eyes falling to Darcy’s stained clothes. “God, you’ve got blood all over you, like in _Carrie_ –”

“I’m fine,” Darcy said. “I should get back to the store, Jay’s probably ready to break my neck.”

May’s eyes widened and Darcy put up a hand that was covered in dried blood.

“Little joke! Really not funny,” Darcy added hastily.

She exchanged a glance with Peter, who shook his head at her from the hospital bed.

-

Darcy arrived back at Steve’s apartment, after Jay yelled at her to go home, looking so wound tight Darcy only snatched her bag up and ran out of there, instead of stopping to ask how the rest of the day had gone.

She’d spent a few hours away, and it was closer to dinnertime, her stomach growling as she walked up the steps to his front door. She let herself in with her key, listening out for signs of Jen. She only heard Riley’s happy chatter, and walked into the living room, spotting Bucky with her on the couch.

“Holy shit,” he said, eyes wide, and Darcy realized she forgot the blood. “What the fuck happened to you?”

Riley was too stunned to admonish him, staring at Darcy.

“Uh, it’s nothing,” she said. “I had to take this kid to Emergency but he’s okay. I’m okay.”

She met Riley’s eye.

“I’m okay. I didn’t get hurt.”

She walked out, ducking into the bathroom, seeing the carnage in the mirror. She began to scrub at her hands and face, tieing her hair up again, yanking her apron off. She emerged, looking ten times better, sinking to the floor to kiss Riley’s face. She seemed withdrawn, but Darcy chose to not take it personally. She was probably exhausted from the long day.

“How was school?”

Riley gave a little shrug, going back to coloring. Darcy turned her head to Bucky, dropping her voice.

“Where’s Steve?”

“Out,” he murmured, knee giving a little swing. “He said he called you.”

“My phone died,” Darcy whispered. “He’s with her?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, face falling a little.

“What, is it an after party?” Darcy muttered, and she got up again, sighing a little.

She walked into the kitchen, Bucky following her.

“He said he’d pick something up,” he said. “That’s why he and Jen went out – to get dinner. And maybe some beers, I think he meant for her to stay a while.”

“Okay,” Darcy said, not bothering to keep her lack of enthusiasm a secret.

“What happened with the kid?” Bucky asked, and Darcy frowned a little, before remembering Peter.

“He’s someone I work with, Steve knows him. He cut his finger real bad, needed nine stitches.”

“Yikes,” Bucky said, brows rising. “At least he had you.”

“I shoved my way into the hospital. Probably pissed off the nurses,” she muttered, grabbing a water glass and filling it at the faucet instead of taking the trouble to get the jug out from the fridge.

She drained it, smacking her lips.

“How’d today go?”

“Really well, apparently,” Bucky muttered, sounding about as happy about it as Darcy felt.

It had nothing to do with Riley, it was all about Jennifer’s presence. She liked that she didn’t have to explain her feelings to Bucky.

“She might have a sleepover with Riley in a couple days.”

“I thought Steve wasn’t happy about that,” Darcy said, and she felt a new pang of hurt. “He said he didn’t trust her –”

“Guess he changed his mind,” Bucky cut in. He licked his lips, unimpressed. “She tends to do that to him. Make him change his mind.”

“Must be something about her,” Darcy muttered, looking away.

“He’s not sleeping with her,” Bucky said, which surprised Darcy, and she shot him a look.

“I didn’t say that.”

“I didn’t like that it was implied,” he retorted.

The silence between them grew tense and Darcy let out a half-scoff.

“Alright,” she said, and she put her glass aside.

Darcy went to the cupboard and took out some Oreos, putting one in her mouth and biting it, eyes meeting Bucky’s once more. He crossed his arms.

“He’s not an idiot,” he said eventually. “He wouldn’t have been with her for so long because she… fuckin’ tricked him or something.”

“I know,” Darcy mumbled, mouth full. She licked away from crumbs. “But I’m sure she knows exactly what she’s doing.”

Bucky’s face changed again, looking at her differently. He watched her finish the Oreo, brushing the crumbs into the sink behind her. She shrugged.

“I know paranoia looks good on a girl,” she muttered dryly. “Real fucking cute.”

“He’s crazy about you,” Bucky retorted. “But… she was very handsy today.”

“Excellent,” Darcy snapped, feeling her guts twist, her cheeks heating.

“Maybe stoke that fire,” Bucky said, and Darcy frowned at him.

There was the sound of a distant laugh, the front door opening, and Darcy shook her head at Bucky.

“Don’t encourage me,” Darcy whispered to Bucky, who drew back, sighing.

She put on her fake smile as Steve walked in, Jennifer in tow. She felt Bucky’s eyes on her, not leaving her when Steve moved to kiss her on the cheek.

Bucky rubbed his nose, not saying hello to Jen as she waved at them both.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Darcy said.

She was such a coward, beaming at her through the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> believe me when I say I live for this shit ughhhhhhhhh
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	20. xx. I Lied

_Said, bitch, I'm the after, you've been the before_  
**\- "Boss Bitch" by Doja Cat**

_I'm gonna fuck it up again_  
_I'm gonna do another detour_  
_Unpave my path_ **  
\- "A Mistake" by Fiona Apple**

_Underneath the leaves where the blackbirds turn blue_  
_If there's room for me_  
_There's room for you_  
_Place your ear to the ground, you hear a voice_  
_It sings this song_  
_The whole night long_  
_I am the melody of the fallen tree_  
_What comes between_  
_You and me_  
_So sadly transient, you'd never guess_  
_It could ever be_  
_So easy to see  
_ **\- "The Melody of a Fallen Tree" by Windsor for the Derby**

**xx. I Lied**

Jennifer was holding a carrier bag that read Thank You in red font, and as she lifted it up, Darcy kept her smile in place.

“We got Chinese,” she announced, and Darcy nodded.

“That’s great.”

“We got a bunch of everything, since we didn’t know what you wanted,” Jen added, dropping her voice a little. “I hope that’s okay. Steve said you weren’t picking up.”

“My phone died,” Darcy said, and she had the urge to glance Steve’s way and implore something to him. She knew her tone had shifted, less warm. “And I should probably head out.”

“Oh,” Jennifer said. “Didn’t you just get here?”

She was doing the opposite of what every woman was trained to do, to not point out what could cause some type of social awkwardness, and maybe Darcy was just paranoid – but she figured Jennifer knew the trouble she was causing. She was only adding to a greater narrative. Darcy hated how obsessive this had become, unravelling every nuance in her head to decipher things she’d rather ignore, since it only caused more angst. She couldn’t help it, she really couldn’t stop herself from analysing everything and finding herself coming up short every time compared to Jen.

“I’m beat. I had a long day –”

“Stay, just for a little food,” Steve murmured, and Darcy paused, finally looking at him again.

He wasn’t fooled, he knew something was wrong. Jennifer gave a little shrug, the bag rustling.

“I’ll go give some to Riley anyway,” she said.

She departed, Bucky doing the same, and Darcy felt another roll of anxiety, watching them go. Steve reached for her hand, squeezing it.

“You okay?” he asked, voice soft and gentle.

Darcy was mad, and yet she wasn’t at the same time. With Steve, it was never clean cut. She’d been furious for days, but also insatiable. She thought of the sex they had that morning again and closed her eyes for a couple seconds to gather herself, drawing in a breath.

“I had to take Peter to the emergency room this afternoon,” she said, and Steve’s eyes widened. “He’s okay, he needed stitches.”

“Where was Jay?” Steve asked.

“Out,” Darcy murmured. She passed a hand over her face.

She was tired, that hadn’t been a lie.

“What about Quill?”

“He drove us,” Darcy said. “I don’t – I don’t know why I came back here, I don’t think I would have if I knew she was going to be here.”

Steve went quiet but nodded, and Darcy thought that made it so much worse. She wanted him to speak if she’d disappointed him, or if he was angry.

“Sorry,” she added. She swallowed. “How did it go with Riley today?”

Steve seemed to shift but he was still a little off, voice still small.

“Really well, I think. She had a good day. Her teacher is really nice,” he murmured. “You sure you won’t eat something, before you go?”

He wasn’t asking her to stay. Darcy knew why – he wasn’t mad, he was allowing her space if she needed it, because he wasn’t controlling or entitled like everyone who’d come before him.

Darcy found herself nodding, mostly out of guilt. She kept holding his hand as they walked out of the kitchen into the living room. Darcy’s eyes averted once they met Bucky’s, and Riley was too busy chatting with Jen to take notice. Darcy picked up one of the boxes of fried rice and opened it, appreciating the comforting smell, tapping into something from childhood.

Darcy noticed a stack of little presents beside the couch, all of them more than Darcy could ever afford. She knew she’d never impress Riley with money, but she realized then that she was jealous of Jennifer because of the relationship she had with her daughter. Darcy was very rapidly being replaced, with clothes and shiny new toys, and a goddamn iPhone by the looks of it.

She stayed quiet as Riley became the center of attention. It was easier that way, letting the person who mattered the most in the situation be herself, regardless of how Darcy felt. She almost convinced herself she’d be okay with all this, until Jen’s hand touched Steve’s.

Darcy stared, feeling her face grow hot. She seemed to have frozen in place, eyes trained on how Jen’s fingers curled around his. Steve pulled back, putting his hand on his lap. They were all sitting around the coffee table while they ate, and Darcy hadn’t wanted to protest Jen and Steve sitting next to one another.

Jen was speaking to Riley, seemingly unaware of Darcy’s glare directed toward her.

“There’s a place on Somers that does a Unicorn Shake. Do you wanna go tomorrow?”

Riley’s face lit up, and she began to jiggle and nod. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes!”

“Riley,” Steve said, laughing like Jen was.

Darcy and Bucky were silent. Darcy stabbed a pea with her chopstick.

“Please, Mommy? Please?” Riley added, and Jen was nodding.

“I promise, tomorrow. If Daddy says it’s okay,” she said.

Her big brown eyes swung toward Steve, and Darcy saw it – the heat to her gaze, the way she paused at his mouth before snapping up to his eyes.

Darcy shoved her box aside, standing up, cutlery and plates clattering. A beer was nearly toppled over in the process but Bucky caught it, and Darcy was stalking off, grabbing her bag along the way.

“Darcy! Darcy!”

Steve was following her out the door and into the hallway, then down the stairs to the front door to the building, which Darcy shoved to burst into the street. He didn’t slow down, so neither did she.

“Darcy! Darcy, talk to me!”

She spun around, ruined apron in hand, eyes smarting.

“What do you want me to say?” she said. “That I’m glad you have such a _dedicated_ ex-wife? What the fuck was that, Steve? Bucky said she was all over you today, too. What part of that is at all okay?”

She felt like she could start hyperventilating, her heart hammering, and she was so afraid to be honest but she knew she had less to lose now – Jen was taking it all away anyway. Steve stared down at her, throat bobbing.

“I know it’s not okay, I’ve asked Jen to stop,” he said. “I’m sorry –”

“Can’t you see she’s trying to drive us apart?” Darcy said, and she cringed, squeezing her eyes shut. “God, I hate this. I _hate_ this.”

She drew in a shaky breath. Steve opened and closed his mouth a couple times before he committed.

“You told me to take her today, with Riley.”

Darcy nodded, knowing she had. She’d insisted it, in fact. It didn’t stop her from wanting to scream, as Steve went on.

“I asked you what you wanted and you said you wanted Jen with Riley –”

“I LIED!”

Darcy’s words tore through him and she began to cry, sniffling as his brows knit and his lips pressed together. She couldn’t stand him watching her act this way. She’d never yelled at a man like this before. She was shaking.

“I lie all the time!” she added, a short mirthless laugh escaping. “I lie about what I’m okay with, I lie about what I want. I lie about who I am. I can’t handle any of this, Steve. I can’t. I’m not strong.”

“Don’t,” he said, and Darcy gripped her apron tighter in her fist.

“What?” she snapped.

“I don’t like you talking about yourself like that.”

Darcy rolled her wet eyes, more tears spilling over that she wiped indelicately, sniffing again.

“It’s true,” she murmured, voice thick. “It’s true – I can’t handle this. I’m twenty five years-old and I’m a little girl…”

Her eyes darted to the road, watching a cab slip by, and she could feel everything piling on and on. There was no end in sight, she couldn’t keep it up any longer.

“I think… I think this is moving too fast, and I didn’t realize it until too late,” she whispered.

Steve’s eyes fell a little. “Are you breaking up with me?”

He was staring at her now, waiting. Darcy couldn’t imagine being able to tear herself away from him, but this was messy, and hurting too much. She sniffed.

“I think I need some time to myself,” she said. “To think.”

“Darce –”

She darted away, before he could reach her and she could change her mind. She swallowed, walking backwards.

“I want to be alone, please,” she said, her voice a little clearer.

She wasn’t saying enough, and yet she’d said too much. She stepped away again, watching Steve take it all, her leaving him, like she said she never would. She felt her guts churn as she turned her heel finally and took off into the night.

When she arrived back at the apartment, she hadn’t been able to smother anything with music blasting in her ears, since her phone was still dead. She could hear sounds from within, and she didn’t think she could take it, seeing Quill again.

Her key in the door, Darcy took a deep breath, knowing she looked awful. Her eyes were stinging from crying and her nose was blocked. She opened it, stepping inside, shutting the door fast. She walked through, hearing a bark.

She stopped, thinking she was imagining it, but she walked on, into the living room.

She recognized the back of Thor’s head as he sat beside Jane on the couch, a golden retriever puppy on her lap, barking as it was petted.

“Darcy!” Thor said, turning his head to beam at her, only for his smile to fade instantly. “Are you alright?”

Darcy burst into fresh tears, so confused and overwhelmed.

-

Thor had come by, and Jane had sent many videos and pictures of the puppy to Darcy while her phone was dead. The puppy was for her, since Darcy gave him the idea of the grand gesture.

The puppy was the cutest thing Darcy had ever seen, and it was appreciated more than words could convey to have it with her that night as she cried on and off, trying to get the story out for Jane to hear.

Jane, awkward as she had always been with being supportive, gave her a hug, and let her have the puppy that night on her bed to sleep. Darcy didn’t sleep much anyway, calling in sick because she knew she couldn’t face the world like this.

Jane didn’t seem bothered though she was the one to cover the shift. It was a strange world to be back in, where Jane was happy and Darcy was the one miserably pining over Steve.

She got a text from Peter, who showed her how big his bandage was around his injured finger. She lay on her side as she texted back to him a picture of the puppy. He still didn’t have a name, but he certainly had a friendly personality, licking Darcy at every opportunity and bouncing around when she wasn’t feeling energetic at all.

Jane kept asking for updates throughout the morning, and Darcy obliged, so glad her friend seemed at little more at ease. Thor was meant to be coming back soon to visit, and Darcy had threatened a pizza party of some kind.

“He said his dad’s not speaking to him,” Jane said. “But that’s fine, Thor said he doesn’t want to speak to _him_ , either.”

“His dad’s an asshole,” Darcy mumbled.

“Also he’s a viscount or something,” Jane added, and Darcy’s brows skyrocketed.

That was that morning, when she couldn’t move at all from her bed. By lunchtime, she managed to get to the bathroom and the kitchen for coffee. Her phone didn’t have any new texts from Steve, but she didn’t know what she’d say if he had tried to talk to her. She felt as if she’d ruined it.

A devious part of her brain told her it wasn’t worth salvaging, if that was the goal. They hadn’t called it quits, but it felt like Darcy didn’t have the fight in her anymore.

She couldn’t get over how cold Riley had become, and perhaps that was pure projection since she was five but she’d never seen her turn on someone that fast before, not even Steve when he rarely put his foot down. She didn’t stay mad at him or cut him off.

There was some guilt involved when it came to Riley. She hadn’t stopped to ask her more in-depth questions about her first day. She hadn’t brought her a juice like she said she would – not that she could have predicted how badly the afternoon would have gone for the store…

Darcy rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. The puppy was playing with a rubber chicken toy Thor had left behind, filling the silence. Darcy was aware that she’d begun to cry again and wished she’d stop. She felt as if she couldn’t, as long as she remembered how she’d yelled at Steve in the street, the hurt in his eyes.

Her phone began to buzz and Darcy pulled in a sigh, not wanting to speak to anyone, but when she picked it up she didn’t recognize the number. It kept ringing as she stared down at it and she figured if it was a robocall or something equally garbage it might pull her out of her mood for half a minute. She could get annoyed at something insignificant to distract herself.

“Hello?” she mumbled, clearing her throat.

There was a soft rustling, and she could make out sounds of people around. Whoever was calling was outside, the sounds of the city surrounding them.

“Hello?” Darcy said again, sitting up a little, ears straining.

“…Darcy?”

It was Riley. Darcy felt her stomach drop like when she saw Peter clutching the bloody dish towel yesterday. She knew something was wrong, she’d heard Riley this way before, when she was stung by a bee. That felt like a lifetime ago, but she’d never forget how Riley’s voice tore her up inside.

“Riley, honey? Did you mean to call me?”

“I’m at the park. Mommy…”

“Where’s Mommy?” Darcy said, and she was up from her bed, putting her phone between her ear and her shoulder, grabbing a random pair of leggings from the dirty pile in the corner of her room. “Put Mommy on for me, honey.”

“Mommy’s – Mommy left.”

“What?” Darcy said. “Then where’s Daddy?”

“Daddy went to work. We went shopping. Mommy said we were getting milkshakes.”

“ _Where_ is she, Riley?” Darcy said, a little louder, and the puppy stopped playing, tilting his head at Darcy, his tail ceasing its wagging.

“At… at the coffee shop, with her friends,” Riley said.

She sounded so afraid Darcy’s stomach clenched.

“Honey, where are you?” she asked, trying to conceal her panic. “Look around for me.”

“I’m at the… park,” she mumbled. She’d begun to cry and Darcy felt her eyes spill over, dashing to grab her sneakers and tug them on.

At the last second, she snatched up the leash on the couch and raced back to the bedroom, latching it to the puppy. He was more than happy to follow her through the apartment as she picked up her keys, stuffing them into her bag.

“The park we go to?” Darcy asked. “Honey, the park we go to?”

“Uh… huh,” Riley hiccuped.

“Do you see the library? It’s at the edge of the park. Can you walk there for me?”

Riley began to wail and Darcy winced, slamming her front door shut and set off into a jog with the puppy.

“Can you walk straight there, and not look back? There’s no cars, you can walk to the library. Like we did the other day. Remember?”

Riley didn’t answer.

“Honey, are you walking?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Go straight there and wait for me.”

Darcy stayed on the phone with Riley, diving into a cab, barking out the address. The driver looked a little dubious with the puppy in the backseat but Darcy glared at him.

“Please, it’s an emergency.”

He nodded, sighing. “You’re lucky I like dogs, lady.”

Darcy would have maybe given him a decent comeback, but she had no nerve to now. Her heart was racing as she tried to contact Steve, firing off several texts as she was still on the line with Riley. They only registered as Sent, Darcy’s heart sinking. She squeezed her eyes shut, pleading silently that Riley was okay.

Why was she left alone? What had happened in between last night and that afternoon for Jennifer to do that? Had she had some kind of mental collapse?

Darcy couldn’t stop the outrage from bubbling up among the panic, adrenaline pumping through her as the puppy climbed around, tail wagging as he refused to sit still. Darcy ducked out of the cab once she paid, the puppy alongside her as the sun was in her eyes –

She raced into the library, seeing Riley was at the front desk, crying with a lady kneeling beside her, hand on her shoulder. She wore a staff badge and shot Darcy a confused look as she approached.

“Are you her mother?”

“No,” Darcy said, breathless, dropping to her knees, pulling Riley into a tight embrace.

Riley wept, her little arms wrapping around Darcy. Darcy knew she was crying, too, but she wasn’t sobbing like Riley was, so worked up she hadn’t even fully registered the puppy.

“Ma’am, she said she can’t find her mother.”

Darcy looked at the librarian who’d straightened up, looking unimpressed as she crossed her arms.

“I know her father, it’s okay. Her mom was supposed to be with her, she –”

“This isn’t a doggy day care center, ma’am,” the woman cut in. “Please leave before I call security.”

“I’m sorry, I ran down here,” Darcy said. “I’m really sorry.”

She meant it and the woman softened a little, arms dropping.

“Well, I hope this doesn’t happen again,” she said. She turned to Riley. “Are you alright, dear?”

Riley wasn’t, but she nodded, chin quivering. She looked at Darcy.

“Darcy…”

Darcy bent her knees to lift her up, slowly walking back outside, the puppy sniffing Riley’s sandal as they made their way down the stone steps. Darcy reached a bench and sat down, one arm curled around Riley, her hand cupping the back of her head. Riley stayed buried in her, sobbing and quivering. Darcy felt hot tears spring up.

“What happened, Riley?” she whispered.

She pulled back, pushing the hair from Riley’s wet, pink face. Riley gulped.

“We went shopping. Mommy saw her friend.”

“Did she take you to the park?” Darcy asked.

Riley hesitated, which Darcy had never seen her do before. She was always a vibrant storyteller. Darcy stared her down.

“Did she… Riley, did Mommy tell you to keep a secret?”

Riley’s eyes went a little wider.

“Am I in trouble?”

“No,” Darcy said, sniffing. She swiped her eyes.

“You didn’t come to kindergarten with me,” Riley said, her voice dropping. She was drooping again, chin quivering. “You… don’t like me anymore?”

Darcy felt sick, clutching Riley’s face in her hands now.

“I love you. I will never stop loving you. And I like you _so much_ , too.”

Riley still seemed to be a combination of spooked and miserable, hiccuping as Darcy wiped away fat tears with her thumbs, pressing a kiss to her little forehead.

“Mommy told you not to tell anyone she took you to the park?” she asked, and Riley nodded. “Do you know where she went?”

“There’s an elephant next to the coffee shop,” Riley said, sucking in a breath. “A white elephant.”

Darcy turned her head, glancing around the perimeter of the park. She spotted the white stone elephant outside a traditional Chinese tea store, next to a stone lion. Beside the store was a coffee shop with people sitting outside. Maybe if she squinted, she’d see Jennifer…

She turned her attention back to Riley, staring her down.

“I should’ve come to kindergarten with you yesterday. I'm so, so sorry,” she said. She took a deep breath. “I’ll come next time. Riley…”

Riley sniffled.

“You’re never, ever gonna be alone again.”

She kissed her face several times like Steve would, breathing in her scent, the fresh cotton smell of her mixed with strawberry kids shampoo. Darcy pulled back, looking down at the puppy.

“Did you see the doggy?”

Riley nodded, then reached toward him, holding out her hand.

He sniffed and licked her fingers, and Riley seemed to settle a little, though she was still quiet. Darcy encouraged her, placing her hand on the puppy’s flank to pet him. Darcy stroked her hair, taking the time to let Riley catch her breath.

“He’s my friend Jane’s. Maybe we can teach him to play fetch –”

Riley burst into tears again and Darcy surged toward her, folding her arms back around her, kissing her face. She held her for a while, the puppy’s tail smacking into Darcy’s side, unperturbed.

“I need to call Daddy,” Darcy said eventually, and Riley moved back, rubbing her eyes aggressively. “Did he show you how to use your phone? You’re so grown up, Riley –”

“Mommy showed me,” she mumbled.

“Did he not answer when you tried?”

She nodded. Darcy took out her phone, thumbing through, seeing no reply in the texts. He was probably in a meeting, and she hadn’t been there that long. He was probably going to want to jump in front of traffic when he saw them finally.

“Pick up, pick up,” Darcy whispered, but he didn’t. “Pick up…”

She went to Voicemail, swallowing.

“Hey, I’ve got Riley. I’ll take her back to your place. She’s okay. I…”

She felt the words stick in her throat but she pushed on.

“I love you, please call me back.”

Darcy stood up, taking Riley’s hand, the puppy perking up. She looked over at the coffee shop in the distance, the puppy sniffing the air. Riley looked exhausted. Darcy didn’t think this was something she could forgive. She took a deep breath, before taking off.

They walked across the park, hearing people racing around in the sun, enjoying summer, like Riley should have been with her mom. Darcy was spurred on by something beyond herself, something she knew that made her undoubtedly right.

She remembered Steve beating up the man behind the store after Darcy was harassed. It was wrath that inspired that type of action, something Darcy refused to apologize for.

She approached the coffee shop, scanning the crowd. A waiter paused by them and Darcy shook her head.

“I’m looking for someone.”

“Alright…”

The waiter seemed unbothered. Darcy knew she was about to disturb the peace, but she didn’t feel guilty. She wasn’t about to take anything out on any employee there, after all.

She weaved through the sea of tables, stopping short when she spotted the back of Jennifer’s head. She was sat at a table of women, all of them older and slenderer than Darcy. They were beautiful and well-dressed, successful looking women.

Darcy hadn’t brushed her hair that morning. She looked wrecked from crying, her hair frizzy from the heat. She made eight dollars an hour but she didn’t care. She belonged among them, waiting for Jennifer to turn her head when her friend stopped talking to stare at Darcy and Riley.

“Oh.”

“Jennifer,” Darcy said.

It was the only time she’d said her name out loud, and it would be the last. By her tone and glare, it was clear to every witness what she thought of her.

Riley hid behind Darcy, and Jennifer craned her neck, meeting her daughter’s eyes.

“I told you to wait for me.”

“She’s five and you left her at the park, alone?” Darcy snarled.

“Wait,” Jen said, and she was up from her chair, her hand raised in defense. “She was okay. I made sure she was before –”

“So, you did leave her?” Darcy snapped, cutting her off. She believed Riley just the same, but she wanted to hear Jennifer say it out loud, for not just her yuppie girlfriends to hear, but for herself, too.

She deserved to admit aloud her mistakes instead of trying to twist it around. To Darcy’s surprise, Jennifer crossed her arms, eyes turning cold.

 _Fucking bitch_ , Darcy thought. And then in quick succession: _Fucking psycho bitch._

“I told her to stay put.”

Darcy wondered how long Riley had been there, before the panic had set in. She imagined the pure terror hitting her, not knowing when her mom would return, just like when she left her when she was a baby, years ago. Darcy’s eyes fell to the women behind Jen, who all looked confused and shocked.

“Jen –”

“It’s _fine_ ,” she interrupted her friend who’d tried to speak up. “This is my ex’s babysitter, and she won’t be staying.”

“I’m Steve’s _partner_ and I am taking Riley with me,” Darcy said, keeping Riley shielded, eyes snapping to Jennifer’s.

Her perfect face twisted with rage, her jaw clenching as she tried to take a step toward Riley, Darcy still defiant, unflinchingly glowering back at her. It was the complete disregard Jennifer had, for an innocent child, her own blood that disturbed Darcy the most.

“You’ve been here five minutes.”

“And you _left_. Twice,” Darcy snarled back. “You lose. End of story. You lose _every_ time.”

She could feel the adrenaline back, blood pumping through her, and she couldn’t feel most of her body. She could only stare her down, the onlookers murmuring as Jennifer began to falter, eyes darting, sucking in a breath.

“Darcy –”

Darcy leaned closer, voice dropping so only Jennifer could hear. She wasn’t allowing her the time to state her case. She didn’t want to hear the woman speak again if she could help it.

“There’s gonna be a moment when Riley will know that you are not enough. And she will never forgive you.”

She drew back, turning, stooping to pick up Riley once more. She carried her away, hearing the people begin to chatter again. Darcy kept walking until she got back to Steve’s street, placing Riley on the pavement.

“Just gotta get up the stairs now, honey,” Darcy said, and Riley nodded, still gripping her hand hard.

She knew it was going to be hard for Riley to be alone for a while, and she wasn’t planning on it, but she was aware of the puppy and how bringing him probably wasn’t well thought out. She moved to the sidewalk, where a little tree stood.

“Alright. Maybe he’ll go to the bathroom if we ask nicely,” Darcy murmured.

The puppy circled the tree, sniffing it. He cocked his leg a couple times but nothing came out. He mostly seemed confused.

“Well, we have paper towels upstairs,” Darcy said.

She let them into the apartment, Riley hanging by her side as she moved through the cooler corridor, taking her bag off. She felt several aches, realizing she probably shouldn’t have carried Riley that far, either, but she knew it was worth it. Riley needed to feel held.

She shut every door to a room with carpet, hoping for the best. The puppy circled the couch a few times before he slumped onto the floorboards by the coffee table.

“Let’s watch _Frozen_ ,” Darcy said, and she tugged Riley into her lap, switching on the TV.

Her phone began to buzz and she took it out, seeing it was Steve. She unlocked it.

“Is she okay? I’m coming back now. Fuck, I – fuck, Darcy. Is Riley okay?”

He was panicking, out of breath, and Darcy straightened a little, trying to keep her voice level.

“It’s okay. I took her home. We’re on the couch. She’ll probably need a nap.”

Riley made a little grunt of disapproval and Darcy kissed her forehead, brushing her hair with a hand.

“It’s okay, Steve,” Darcy said.

When she hung up, she began to rock Riley back and forth, the movie filling the gaps. The puppy had fallen asleep at her feet, and Darcy could feel her own body beginning to decline, sinking further into the couch.

Steve raced in, barely allowing Darcy the time to speak, pulling Riley into his arms, cradling her to his chest as Darcy’s hand came up to stroke his hair. His put a hand out, placing it on Darcy’s knee to squeeze it. Darcy knew he was crying, but she wasn’t going to tell him to stop or slow down.

She shuffled forward, embracing them both so Riley was between them.

-

Riley passed out and Darcy went into the kitchen with Steve, and he took her hands in his, Darcy breaking the silence.

“Jen left her at the park, like I said. I went and got Riley – she’s so smart, she remembered how to use her new phone, and she did exactly as I told her, she went to the library…”

Steve squeezed her eyes shut.

“This makes me sick,” he said, and Darcy nodded.

“I know. I know…”

There was a buzzing and Steve let go of one of Darcy’s hands to take out his phone, staring down at the display, lips parting.

It was Jennifer.

His jaw tightened and he unlocked it, placing it to his ear.

“You –”

Jennifer had begun to speak, but Darcy couldn’t make out the words, seeing Steve’s face change several times. He was so hurt, his body didn’t seem to know what to do with it. He closed his eyes again, taking his other hand away to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Darcy’s eyes fell, and she made herself move away, because she didn’t think she could handle it, knowing Jen could justify it all. Maybe Darcy’s story wouldn’t be believed. She walked out into the living room, hearing Steve moving around the kitchen.

She petted the puppy, who was still fast asleep. She considered staying, only to get back up again and walk through to Riley’s room, standing in the doorway.

She went to the bed, sitting on its edge, seeing the rise and fall of Riley’s chest in the semi-dark. She pulled in a shaky breath.

And then she heard Steve yell from far away:

“You broke your promise to your little girl!”

Darcy jolted at the sound, but didn’t hear him boil over further. He must have hung up, because she heard him walking through the apartment.

“Baby?”

She got up again, walking into the corridor, finding him there.

“Did she tell you what happened?” she asked, and he nodded.

Darcy felt her stomach twist. She looked down for a second, then back up.

“Did – did she tell you what I said -?”

He took the two strides to meet her and placed his hands on either side of her face, before leaning down and kissing her hard, Darcy’s eyes flying shut.

Darcy kissed him back, kept kissing him until they broke apart, their foreheads pressed together.

“That’s it, then,” he said, and Darcy whimpered. “I’m never gonna let you go.”

“Steve,” Darcy whispered, and he hugged her, burying his face in her neck, and all Darcy could do, or ever want to do, was hug back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... yeah, I know. Sorry. 
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	21. xxi. Like I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **cw** : mentions of emotional/physical abuse
> 
> hi, I love you, I am overwhelmed by the responses I got yesterday. I'm bad at compliments but thank you ❤

_And you can use my skin_   
_To bury secrets in_   
_And I will settle you down_   
**\- "I Know" by Fiona Apple**

**xxi. Like I Love You**

“Whatever you want, Riley.”

Steve was kneeling by Riley, who sat on the couch. The little girl had risen from her nap abruptly, racing out to find Darcy and Steve. It was obvious why – she was convinced she’d be left alone, too. Darcy watched in real time as Steve understood this, a wave of guilt and shame crashing over him that he was forced to conceal when Riley ran over to him.

He scooped her up and sat her on the couch, kneeling next to her to look her in the eye, rubbing her little shoulders and arms. He pressed kisses to her face, hugged her, tried to get her to speak.

“We can have whatever you want for dinner,” he said, when she had said nothing. “Anything at all.”

Darcy couldn’t take it anymore, butting in.

“Dino nuggets? Pasta? Pizza?”

Riley’s frown deepened and she hunched over. Darcy paused, believing she was overwhelmed, stuck in indecision – her mind was probably telling her there was a wrong answer to the question. Darcy cleared her throat.

“Tell you what. I’ll decide,” Darcy said. “Because a princess never lifts a finger – even to tell her servants what she would like for supper. Right, Sir Daddy?”

Steve, for the first time in hours, cracked a little smile at Riley.

“Absolutely. Her Highness will be eating what Lady Darcy has determined from the castle menu.”

Riley looked over at Darcy and then back at her dad. “You’re being silly.”

“We wanna be,” Darcy said. “We’ll have pizza and watch _Frozen_ again.”

Riley didn’t seem too inspired by the idea, lips pressed together.

“What about… _Mulan_? Or something new?”

Riley didn’t respond. Darcy met Steve’s gaze. For the last few hours, all they’d done was sit and watch TV in silence, every so often checking on Riley. Jane had come by to get her puppy but she hadn’t stayed to catch up, which Darcy was thankful for. It was difficult to not be stuck in every dark thought Darcy had about the situation. At one point, when Steve was sitting with her, she was sure he wanted to cry but wouldn’t allow himself to.

She knew he needed the space and the time to let everything out, but with Riley there it was more difficult.

Darcy opened up her phone as Steve curled his arms around Riley once more in a tight hug, Riley’s chin tucking into his shoulder as she watched Darcy flick through her app to order dinner.

Riley was just as listless once she ate, refusing to color or fully commit to anything they were watching on TV. She was having trouble staying awake either way, eyelids heavy as she struggled. She sat in the bath without playing, only flicking water around occasionally. Darcy sat with her anyway, making sure she wasn’t alone.

When bedtime came, the storybook wasn’t necessary. It only took Riley lying down for her to drift off. Steve sat on her bed for several minutes, watching his daughter sleep. Darcy lingered by the doorway, before walking off to clean up the pizza boxes.

She scrubbed a knife in the kitchen, putting it in the dishwasher. Her movements were slow, and she tried to calm herself with each step. She knew what she was doing, helping Steve this way. She just didn’t know if the rest of it would be something he thought she couldn’t handle, because of what she’d screamed at him last night.

He came up behind her, giving a short sigh he couldn’t hide. Darcy shut the dishwasher, straightening back up to lean against the sink, Steve doing the same.

He was staring at the doorway, his mind elsewhere, and Darcy reached out to him, the back of her hand brushing his. It took a second before she thread their fingers together.

Steve looked miserable, deflating as Darcy stared at his profile. He drew in a deep breath, sighing once more.

“I should call Buck, tell him what happened,” he murmured.

“Tomorrow,” Darcy whispered. “You’ll just rest tonight.”

Steve looked bothered by this. He looked at her, jaw ticking. Darcy rose her hands to hold each side of his face, staring up at him.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” he said. “I don’t know how to make it up to you, or Riley. This is-”

“It’s not your fault,” Darcy cut it, shaking her head. “You can’t control Jen. You couldn’t have known she’d do that.”

Steve stared at her, eyes turning glassy. He squeezed them shut.

“I’m not gonna let you act like you did this to Riley,” Darcy went on. “But I want… an explanation. I want to know everything. If you can tell me.”

Steve blinked down at her, throat bobbing. “You mean -?”

“How you met, what she was like before and after you got married. I feel like I’m on the outside, I don’t know enough to understand Jennifer. Bucky says Nat believes it’s more complicated than any of us know, and –”

“Do you want space, still?” Steve said, and Darcy stopped mid-sentence, confused.

“I – I don’t know what I was saying last night,” she said eventually, dropping her hands to his chest. “I said it was moving too fast because… because I thought it was what I’m supposed to say.”

Steve nodded, eyes ducking.

Darcy frowned again. “Are you warning me, in case it’s too much?”

“Maybe,” he said. “I just – I want you to have an out. I don’t want –”

Darcy moved up, kissing him on the lips, a little peck. “I _love_ you. I want to know everything.”

She crowded him, tucking her face in his clavicle, Steve’s arms wrapping around her, his lips brushing her temple.

“I’ve never loved somebody like I love you,” Darcy whispered.

They broke away and Steve pulled in a breath, eyes searching her. Darcy stepped aside as he moved toward the cupboard above the fridge, revealing a bottle of bourbon and a couple glass tumblers next to it.

“Don’t tell Nat this is here,” he said, and Darcy felt her lips curl. “It’s my secret stash.”

He set down the two glasses on the table and they sat down, Darcy’s body turned toward his. Neither of them drank, not yet. Darcy waited, reaching for Steve’s hand again. His eyes were on their twined fingers as he began to speak.

“We met after I decided I was done with the army. Jen walked into the lecture hall and… _chose_ me.”

Darcy watched his face, seeing the memories weren’t fond. She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand.

“Art school wasn’t what I expected, because I was going back as an older student. I thought I’d dick around for a couple years and get a crappy job somewhere, not really doing anything. I didn’t believe in my abilities. Bucky did.”

“Of course,” Darcy murmured with a little smile.

“And Jen. Jen… she had this ability to make me feel like I was special,” Steve said. He sounded tired. “She was popular, talented…”

“When did Italy happen?” Darcy asked.

“Halfway through, about a year into everything,” Steve murmured. He bit his lip and let it go. “We’d go through stages of really good months. I thought I’d found my soulmate. She knew everything about me, she did everything with me. She got along with Bucky and Nat.”

He picked up his glass and took a sip of bourbon, putting it back down, staring at the glass. His jaw ticked.

“And then there were months when she’d go at me over everything. Nothing I ever did was right. So Italy was meant to help us… reboot or whatever.”

“It didn’t work?” Darcy asked, and Steve glanced up.

“It did, for a little while at least,” he said. “I started to believe I’d done the right thing, we had overcome everything. Jen was happy, I thought.”

He bit his lip again.

“Made me wanna stay in Italy forever, if it meant she was happy.”

“But what about you?” Darcy asked.

“Didn’t matter so much at the time.”

So his attitude to his own well-being had always been like this, self-sacrificing to a fault. Darcy chose not to point this out, it was too obvious. She squeezed his hand.

“I proposed when we were still in Italy, so she’d have something to hold onto,” he went on, clearing his throat. “Looking back, it was all… so stupid.”

“It’s not, you didn’t know what else to do,” Darcy retorted. “Did she like being engaged, at least?”

“She loved it,” Steve said, darker than before. “She loved the attention. She loved showing off her ring when she got it. Loved planning the wedding for months on end. It was all she spoke about, she barely got through the rest of her studies to graduate.”

Darcy nodded.

“She didn’t like being married though, when the dust settled,” Steve added. “She talked about being bored out of her mind. She didn’t want a job, or a steady income if it meant staying in Brooklyn, or any place, really, longer than a few months.”

“So what did she do?”

“There are… gaps,” Steve said. “I… I don’t remember some of it? I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

Darcy felt dread begin to seep into her, from her fingertips down to her stomach, watching as Steve struggled to find the words.

“But – she was happy when she found out she was pregnant with Riley,” he said, shifting a little in his seat. He even smiled a little. “I remember the first ultrasound. I still have it, somewhere. Riley used to kick her all the time, and Jen laughed it off.”

His smile faded.

“Then when Riley was born, I figured it was me. Jen had everything she ever needed, I thought I gave her everything she wanted. I did a lot, around the apartment,” he said.

Darcy suspected he was downplaying somewhat.

“Did you do all the cleaning, and the cooking?” she asked, and he nodded slowly, a little dubious. “It’s okay, you can tell me. What about Riley?”

“She hated all of it. It’s like she didn’t know what she was in for before it was too late –”

“Too late?” Darcy repeated, feeling a fierceness rise up inside her. “What –?”

“She didn’t say she wanted… an abortion,” Steve said, stumbling a little over his words. “She just complained that she would have maybe waited, or… maybe I should’ve explained how it was going to be. She still wanted a life.”

“It doesn’t work that way, though,” Darcy said, disgusted. “Everyone knows that.”

“I wasn’t gonna tell Jen that, though,” Steve said. “I was always on thin ice with her. I thought she left because – because I just wasn’t _enough_.”

Darcy didn’t think it was possible for herself to feel that way about him, and it floored her completely that Jennifer would have felt that at all.

“We tried couples therapy,” he said. “I tried… having sex with her constantly, I tried buying her presents, I tried promising her trips we couldn’t afford. I promised her anything she wanted. I told her I’d change, I’d get better. I’d stop having nightmares.”

“It wasn’t you, it was her,” Darcy said, and Steve nodded.

“I know that now, but at the time…”

He glanced away, frowning.

“I can’t explain it, but she made me think I wasn’t worth sticking with otherwise.”

Darcy moved toward him, giving him another hug. She pulled back, Steve’s eyes falling to her mouth, and Darcy kissed him, tongue slipping into his mouth. She took over, kissing him with the dedication he deserved, tasting the bourbon on his tongue, his soft sighs spurring her on.

She took his hand, and he followed her out of the kitchen. They walked down the corridor and into his bedroom, shutting the door, Darcy’s hand reaching behind him to lock it. She kissed him again, standing on tiptoe, backing him into the wood, hands slipping down to his hips.

They tugged off his shirt and she manoeuvred him toward the bed, pushing him down, climbing on top. She shucked off her leggings, Steve doing the same with his pants, and Darcy licked her palm, reaching between them to stroke Steve, his chin tilting up.

“You’re worth it,” she whispered, and she tucked him inside, lowering herself, Steve’s chest beginning to heave. “You were always worth it…”

Darcy didn’t come, but she hadn’t done it to make herself feel good. She wanted to be there for him, holding him as she rode, his face in her neck, arms gripping her tight.

Steve couldn’t seem to catch his breath, and in a strange role reversal, Darcy was smothering his moans with her hand, his eyes squeezing shut. He went still, spilling inside her.

Darcy held him, kisses a mixture of tender and messy, Steve’s panting beginning to subside, before she slipped away to clean up and return to his side.

“Keep talking,” Darcy whispered. She traced his face with her knuckles.

His hand slipped down her arm to her waist, gripping her bare hip as he kept his eyes averted.

“After she left the first time, I thought I’d be able to… heal eventually,” he began. “I had Riley to think about, so I got caught up in that over everything else. The divorce was pretty easy to get through, compared to all the rest.”

Steve took a deep breath and let it go.

“I thought I’d stop loving her. But it was like she stuck around, for a long time, after she was gone.”

Darcy allowed him the space to think, but once his face changed again, to something sadder, she couldn’t keep the question in anymore.

“Steve, did she -?”

Steve glanced at her.

“Was she abusive?”

His eyes shifted and Darcy knew it gave him away. She took hold of his chin.

“What happened? What did she do?”

“No, she – I…”

“Steve,” Darcy breathed.

His throat bobbed. “I mean, she made it clear I wasn’t going to act how I used to before she came around. She… made it her mission that she was the number one priority. I thought she was high maintenance, but she made me happy, at first…”

Darcy pressed a kiss to his lips. He couldn’t look her in the eye.

“And… sometimes she got entitled, about some things. Wanting sex when I didn’t, and… getting upset easily. She was stressed out, she’d had a baby –”

“Steve.”

“And, yeah, she hit me. A couple times,” he said, slowly. Darcy could see it pained him to say any of this out loud. “A few times, maybe more. But that was before we were married, before even Italy, and then… after we got married, and she was angry –”

Darcy watched him begin to crumble.

“God, _God_ ,” he gasped, and then he shut his eyes. “Ah, fuck…”

Darcy could see it all stretching out, over years at a time. Behavior he would have dealt with by either denying it existed or enduring it alone. Of course he took her back when she returned. She would have convinced him she’d changed.

“Over the weekend, she was like her _old_ , old self, at least when we were alone,” Steve murmured. “I figured co-parenting could work that way. I would do the majority of it, and she could still do what she wanted. But then, she kept mentioning… you and – I said it was part of the deal, and she agreed. She _agreed_.”

“She hates me,” Darcy whispered.

“I’m not letting her near Riley anymore,” Steve said, and Darcy nodded, realizing she’d been waiting for him to say it all evening. “I just can’t – can’t forgive myself for this. I don’t know how to make it up to you two.”

“You’ve already said it,” Darcy whispered, and he nodded.

“It’s _always_ been about her,” Steve hissed. His face twisted, his eyes welling with hot tears. “And the last time she left two years ago, I begged her. I grovelled, on my knees, for her to stay. And I fucking fell for it _again_.”

“It’s okay,” Darcy whispered, kissing his face. “It’s okay…”

“It’s not…”

Darcy pulled him on top of her, his face on her chest, stroking his hair. The room smelt of sex and Darcy wasn’t surprised when Steve began to kiss her sometime later, shifting up to slot between her thighs. She was fine, she thought so at least, until she took too long staring at Steve’s bare back as he pushed inside her, feeling paradoxically overwhelmed by how safe she felt beneath him, taking him to the hilt.

“Am I hurting you?” he whispered, holding her face, and she shook her head. “Talk to me…”

“I just – I just need you to tell me I’m good,” she whispered. “Because I need you, and… I don’t want this to be about me, I don’t wanna be selfish. Or a baby.”

“You’re not, you’re incredible,” he whispered, and he began to rock. “And you’re good. You’re so good. You’re the kindest person I ever met…”

Darcy felt her heart swelling, Steve leaning down to brush his lips with hers, before she caught him in a rushed kiss, his hips snapping.

“I’m probably not gonna come,” he whispered, and Darcy nodded.

“Keep going, please… please…”

“Let me love you,” he whispered, and then he was sucking on her tongue, making Darcy dizzy with want.

He pulled back with a soft smack of their lips, Darcy’s moan bitten back.

“Attagirl… let me love you… let go…”

He began to speed up and Darcy knew his body had shifted, changing its mind, his movements less gentle, tapping into something Darcy never had with anyone else.

“I was so lonely before I met you,” Darcy whimpered, and Steve nodded. “I was so _alone_ …”

She came, and although Steve told her otherwise, he followed her soon after, groaning and muffling the sound as they cuddled, Darcy’s ears ringing.

Steve attempted to pull out but Darcy shook her head, clinging to him.

“Baby, I have to…”

“No, stay,” she whispered.

He smiled down at her, pushing her hair back from her face, peering at her with the warmth she’d never tire of. She couldn’t believe how badly he’d been treated, when all he wanted to do was love the people in his life with his whole heart.

Darcy leaned up, kissing him, before lying back down to let him slip out. The mess she didn’t mind, but she knew a UTI never made it worth lying around in the wet patch. She got up, Steve’s eyes on her as she left.

-

Darcy sucked in a breath, ripped from her deep sleep as she heard the knocking on the door, Steve’s fingers wrapped around her wrist as he spooned her tightening reflexively.

“Daddy?”

“Shit,” Steve whispered, and he was up, grabbing his underwear.

Darcy moved lightning fast, grabbing a shirt to tug over her head, one of Steve’s that covered her almost to her knees. She grabbed her underwear from the floor and yanked them back on, while Steve threw on his shirt from earlier, going to the door to open it.

Riley stood there, sobbing.

“Come here,” he whispered, and he scooped her up, kissing her face.

“Can I sleep with you?”

“Of course,” Darcy said.

She couldn’t help glancing at her phone to check the time. It was after 3AM. She knew doing it in the middle of the night would be a miserable task, but they needed to change the sheets first.

“Give Daddy a second, we’ll go get a glass of water.”

Darcy got up, nodding at the bed, and Steve mirrored her, scrubbing his face, placing Riley back on the floor. He took hold of Darcy’s jaw at the last second to kiss her, before she took Riley’s hand and walked them back out into the corridor.

Riley drank heartily, sighing loudly when she was done, handing the glass back to Darcy. They walked back in, as Steve straightened up and held out a hand to Riley.

Riley was tucked between them, Darcy facing Steve in the dark. For several minutes, Darcy listened to Riley’s breathing until she fell asleep.

Steve broke the silence, a soft whisper.

“I thought… for a little while, that my own loneliness was amplifying everything.”

Darcy reached out to rub his arm.

“What do you mean?”

“I was scared maybe I was exaggerating how you make me feel,” he whispered. “But… I shouldn’t have doubted that. I thought I was being too much. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Darcy breathed. “We’re gonna be okay.”

“I still…”

“Shh,” Darcy whispered, and she was seeking him out in the dark, pressing her lips to his. “It’s okay, I believe you when you say you’re not letting me go.”

“I’m not…”

“Okay. You need to sleep…”

Darcy began to drift off, her limbs heavy. She could feel Steve’s lips pressed to her brow, then her cheek, then back up again to her hair.

Darcy knew the relief he felt, that someone loved him the way she did. She saw it in herself, every time he held her. It was a relief to know that she hadn’t made something bigger than it was because she was so lost when they met.

The last thing she heard before she slipped into sleep, was Steve whispering:

“My girls…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: You can see why I didn't have this tagged with postnatal depression. I know some people already suspected Jen to be a narcissist, but I just wanted to clarify that that is indeed the case with her. 
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	22. xxii. Life Before You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I was going to let this go for the rest of the year but this universe didn't want to wait.
> 
> also, I'm having a really shitty time and I needed this badly.

_Another head aches, another heart breaks_   
_I'm so much older than I can take_   
_And my affection, well it comes and goes_   
_I need direction to perfection, no no no no_   
_Help me out, yeah_   
**\- "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers**

_Wait for the signal, and I'll meet you after dark_   
_Show me the places where the others gave you scars_   
_Now this is an open-shut case_   
_I guess I should've known from the look on your face_   
_Every bait-and-switch was a work of art_   
**\- "willow" by Taylor Swift**

_Then I'm floatin' up to the surface_   
_I can finally breathe, I could do anything_   
_And I don't know why it's alright_   
_And it's not at the same time_   
_Then I look up at a blue sky_   
_And I know_   
**\- "Lovin' Me" by Kid Cudi & Phoebe Bridgers**

**xxii. Life Before You**

Darcy knew she didn’t get enough sleep. She suspected Steve was the same, but Riley seemed okay.

She was functioning at a lower frequency, but Darcy was pushing through her exhaustion when she woke the final time with the three of them together in bed, Riley murmuring to Steve about bringing Elsa in from her bedroom. In her haste last night, she’d left her behind, which was so unlike Riley.

“Hey,” Steve murmured, noticing Darcy was awake. “I’ll get started on breakfast.”

“Okay,” Darcy mumbled, rubbing her eye. She yawned, Steve moving closer, leaning over Riley to kiss Darcy’s cheek. “I should call Jane…”

She knew there was no way she’d be working that day. Steve needed someone to watch Riley, if he managed to get anything done himself. There was no third option of Jennifer bearing the load. Darcy remembered everything yesterday in another rush, replaying the coffee shop and how Riley had cried, and how Steve had cried…

She felt a fresh surge of anger that she forced back down. It wasn’t necessary, and Steve was going to have to tell Bucky what happened, and that was enough for him to deal with today. She needed to try to give what she didn’t feel she was capable of – a _proportionate_ response.

Steve got a call from Bucky at the table, when barely after he’d sat down to drink his coffee, Riley eating her toast. Darcy chewed her own, distracted, watching Steve. When he hung up, it was clear nothing monumental was said. Bucky was coming over.

“Nat’s teaching jujitsu this morning,” Steve mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Darcy knew it was one of three martial arts Nat taught. She wondered if it might be a better idea to wait until later, when she was available, but she didn’t want to put it out there – that she was afraid of how Bucky might react to everything.

Darcy’s eyes met Steve’s and she saw he was scared, so she leaned over to hold his hand, not letting go until they heard a knock on the front door. Riley jumped up when Darcy told her it was her uncle. So at least Riley had cheered up a little.

Steve’s jaw was ticking and Darcy stood up from her chair, cupping his face in her hands and giving him a short kiss.

“I love you,” he whispered, and Darcy echoed it, nodding.

As Bucky appeared, he was carrying Riley in his arms, smiling. Darcy hadn’t seen him since the night before last when she fled, and according to Steve he’d left soon after her anyway, not saying much. She knew Bucky had always been on her side. It was the same side as Steve’s.

Darcy stayed standing, Bucky’s smile beginning to fade.

“You okay, bud?” he said to Steve, when no-one said a word.

“I’m gonna take Riley out for some fresh air,” Darcy said, and Bucky glanced her way, a little confused.

“What’s… what’s goin’ on?” he murmured, setting Riley on her feet once more.

“Stuff I don’t want Riley to hear,” Steve said, voice hollow.

Bucky turned worried, unable to conceal it fully, looking at Darcy again. Darcy moved toward him, standing up on tip-toe to kiss his cheek, taking Riley’s hand. To Bucky’s credit, he didn’t demand anything from her, only watched her leave the room.

She helped Riley find her flip-flops, putting on some shorts and a t-shirt to replace her pyjamas. Darcy went out in one of Steve’s shirts, holding hands with Riley as she heard Steve talking in low murmurs.

She hoped he could get it out, tell him everything. It had been a struggle last night, and she knew there was always a chance Steve would shield anyone pain, even if it was his own, costing him everything. She and Riley went to the park, and were only there for fifteen minutes before Darcy’s phone buzzed with a message from Steve:

**_Please come back_ **

Darcy’s heartbeat picked up speed but she kept her cool, saying to Riley they needed to go, and there were no objections. Riley was being a little angel, compliant and constantly touching her. When they returned to Steve’s building, taking the stairs, Darcy felt sick with nerves again. She knew it was unlikely, but a voice in her head told her maybe she’d lose this fight, and Steve might go back on what he said.

Darcy sat Riley down on the couch, putting _Mulan_ on, kissing Riley’s forehead and telling her she’d be in the kitchen. She slipped off her shoes, walking through.

She was still unprepared for what she saw. She stopped short, seeing Steve with his face in his hands at the table, Bucky rubbing his shoulder. Bucky glanced her way, moving up from his chair.

“Did he tell you -?”

Bucky collided with her in a tight hug, which was unexpected. Darcy went still, before she finally rose her arms to hug him back, her heart squeezing in her chest.

“Thanks, for looking after him,” Bucky said. He pulled back and kissed her, hugging her again, more tenderly.

“Hey, I’m okay,” Darcy said, though her voice had gone wobbly.

She broke away, moving to kneel beside Steve, who was running his hands through his hair now, his eyes glassy. Bucky murmured something about sitting with Riley and Steve nodded, eyes glued to Darcy again.

Left alone, Steve gathered Darcy in his arms, holding her to his chest, sniffling. He cried silently, Darcy’s fingers combing his hair, her own eyes smarting.

Much later, Darcy leaned on the balcony between the two men, sharing a joint. The metal that dug into her back, she hardly felt. She could feel crinkles smoothing out, the tension in her shoulders dissipating. She’d get hungry soon, and she’d be a little sleepier. She wasn’t overdoing it.

Bucky had been uncharacteristically quiet about everything. Darcy knew he’d tell Nat everything later when he went home.

Their day hadn’t been wasted. Darcy had spent it as best she could, being there even though she was convinced another shoe would drop – she would be deemed unwelcome, something that she knew didn’t make sense.

Steve took a long drag, holding it, exhaled… then passed it to Bucky when Darcy declined with a little shake to her head.

“Has she tried calling you?” Bucky murmured, and Steve shook his head, taking out his phone.

Jennifer hadn’t tried to make contact and Darcy didn’t like it. As much as she hated her, Darcy knew if she knew what Jen’s plans were, she’d be able to prepare for it better. The silence was deafening and ominous. Even if all she’d decided to do was go back to California, she owed Riley a goodbye.

“I should go,” Bucky said, with reluctance. “Nat’s probably worried.”

“Tell her not to,” Steve said, automatic. He was back to smoking, staring through the window into the apartment.

He’d been checking Riley every twenty minutes, as if she might disappear if he didn’t. Darcy rubbed his arm, stepping aside for Bucky to hug him goodbye.

When they separated, Darcy gave Bucky a little smile.

“I’ll walk you out.”

She moved differently, slower. Bucky didn’t seem high. Darcy didn’t expect for him to reach for her hand when they got to the front door.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Darcy whispered. “I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

“She _hit_ him?” Bucky said, and Darcy nodded, throat turning thick. “What the fuck? Why didn’t he ever tell me?”

“It was his way of coping. He wanted to work it out,” Darcy murmured, shrugging her shoulder. “It’s not my place to say.”

“Just –”

“Buck, you really need to stay calm, he can’t handle more than this,” Darcy cut in. “I think he reached his capacity.”

“What about you?” Bucky said, frowning a little, hand reaching to touch her shoulder.

“I’m fine –”

“Sweetheart,” Bucky interjected, a smile forming. “You really need to let your own guard down, alright? For him. For me.”

Darcy went still, staring at him.

“You probably feel like we don’t know each other that well,” he went on, and he ducked his gaze for a second, to Darcy’s bare feet. He swallowed. “And I’m probably just stoned, but you mean a lot to me. And not just because you’re Steve’s girl.”

“Okay,” Darcy managed to say. She felt herself blush. “Okay…”

Bucky folded his arms around her and Darcy hugged him back. When they separated, his touched her nose with the tip of his finger, winking.

“Be good. Be bad,” he said. “It’s entirely up to you. Just do it with him.”

Darcy watched him go, shutting the door once he disappeared on the stairs. She drew in a deep breath, walking back out to the balcony. The night air was humid, thick as velvet as Darcy moved through it to reach Steve.

He was leaning on the ledge, smoking, and Darcy ran her hand up his back, squeezing his shoulder blade.

“Bedtime yet?” she murmured.

He made an affirming sound, flicking ash. He rubbed his bloodshot eyes, standing up again. He closed them, taking a deep breath like Darcy had.

“I’m so fucking tired.”

“I know,” Darcy murmured. She knew it meant more than that.

“I lied, there aren’t any gaps,” he added. His eyes swung to meet Darcy’s. “I remember everything that happened, and I wish I didn’t. So tired of being tired.”

Darcy nodded, rubbing his arm. His other one furled around Darcy’s waist. He took another drag, holding it, exhaling from the corner of his mouth, away from her.

“All I do is say ‘sorry’. Riley’s gonna hear it a lot, growing up…”

“You’ve done what you can,” Darcy said, touching the side of his face. “But you need extra help, that’s normal. Single parents have a tough time as it is.”

“I was gonna ask Sam for some numbers, for someone Riley can talk to,” he murmured, gaze ducking. “I keep thinking the damage is done, is all. She’ll have a complex or something and all a doctor would have to do is point at me, and I wouldn’t argue.”

“Steve, you’re traumatized,” Darcy whispered, and his eyes snapped to meet hers. “Not just from being in the army. From your mom, and… and Jennifer.”

He didn’t argue, but Darcy could sense he wanted to, he wanted to tell her he shouldn’t be this way. He wanted to minimize the damage Jennifer caused. He wanted to defend his mom for dying.

“I have a meeting tomorrow I can’t miss,” Steve said, changing topic.

Darcy watched him mash the rest of the joint into the metal railing, rubbing his hand on his shorts. Darcy nodded when their eyes met again.

“I can’t miss work, I’m sorry,” she replied, and he closed his eyes.

“Shit, I don’t know what to do –”

“She can come with me, it’ll be an adventure,” Darcy said. “Unless you get Sam or Bucky –”

“They’re both tied up in something, I can’t get Nat, either.”

“So she’ll come to Jay’s and sit in the backroom,” Darcy said.

They lapsed into silence and Steve finally nodded, swallowing.

“Thank you, Darcy,” he said, and Darcy rubbed a thumb over his cheek, his eyes avoiding hers.

She pressed a kiss to his lips, soft as she could. She knew then that he was feeling shame, wanting to look away because he was afraid. Darcy kissed him again, just as soft.

“You don’t have to hide, please don’t hide,” she whispered. “I love you…”

“It’s…”

She was the danger. Steve was in danger. Darcy hadn’t forgotten what he’d shared with her on the first night they slept together. He was trained to hide his weaknesses, be submissive. It wasn’t in his nature to be. At his happiest, Steve took charge, kissing Darcy breathless.

“Steve,” Darcy murmured, and he finally looked at her, since her tone changed. “Can I ask - ? I mean, it’s a fucked up question.”

“Go ahead,” he murmured, but he looked terrified.

“How many times did she hit you?” she whispered. He didn’t answer straight away. “How… how often?”

“All the time,” he breathed. “All the time.”

Darcy suspected that. It probably happened so often that he was on the edge constantly, poised for a confrontation. She remembered his sketchbook being bent in his hand when he came home after seeing Jennifer again for the first time in two years, and how desperate and urgent their sex had been that night.

She pictured it, not meaning to. A woman of Jennifer’s height could reach his face pretty easily. She had long nails, too. Did she ever mark him, and Steve played it off when anyone noticed? Did he lie for her constantly?

“You don’t have to do anything with me you don’t want to do,” Darcy said, breaking their tense silence. Steve met her eye, frowning a little.

“What do you mean?”

“Like… sex, or whatever dumb plan I have,” she murmured.

“I…”

Steve’s mouth opened and closed. He was hesitating.

“What is it?” Darcy whispered, scared. “You can tell me anything. Anything –”

“I don’t wanna be too much,” he whispered, and she kissed his lips, not closing her eyes.

She didn’t think Jennifer was anywhere near as passionate about Steve as he’d been about her. She’d only done that to manipulate him further. She led him on, then trapped him, and then made him less of himself through the threat of violence. And then she followed through with the threats and left him anyway.

“We haven’t known each other that long,” he whispered. “But… there isn’t anything I don’t wanna do with you.”

Darcy stared at him, and he stood a little straighter, taking her face in his hands.

“And it feels like…”

He drew in a shaky breath.

“It _feels_ like –”

“Steve, it’s okay,” Darcy whispered.

“It feels like there was life _before_ you,” he whispered. He licked his lips, then he clenched his jaw, both of Darcy’s hands on his face again, her heart hammering. “And there’s now. And I’m not gonna be the same ever again.”

She wasn’t making it up. Love could be like this. It was such a relief. It was like walking through a crowd and seeing a familiar face. It fit.

He kissed her, Darcy whimpering on impact.

-

Darcy ached the next morning, walking to work with Riley’s hand in hers. She had a backpack full of coloring books, pencils, crayons and glitter glue, plus some stickers Darcy got at the convenience store along the way. The plan was to reveal Riley was visiting as she walked up to work, because she didn’t want to give Jay a chance to decline the invitation.

It turned out she needn’t have worried, Jay was more than happy to see Riley. Darcy suspected he’d always been rooting for Darcy’s relationship with Steve from the very beginning. It didn’t stop him from swearing in Italian, gesturing at her when she said Riley was a stowaway for her shift.

“She’ll find out what those words mean and be mad at you,” Darcy warned, as Riley scrunched her nose.

“Just as well Parker can’t cut fruit, you can go out back and be useful,” Jay retorted, flapping at her.

He passed Riley a banana, winking at her.

_“Principessa.”_

Darcy walked out back with Riley, sitting her on a crate as she got to work, cutting pineapple chunks and throwing them into a metal container. She could hear Quill whistling as he walked in, stopping abruptly as he spotted Riley.

“Uh, hi,” he said, smiling down at her. “You gate-crashing?”

“This is Riley,” Darcy said, not looking his way. “Riley, this is smelly Quill. Say hi.”

“I’m not that smelly,” Quill retorted, before turning his head to sniff his armpit. “Oh, wait…”

Riley began to giggle, chewing her banana. Throughout the next hour, Darcy cut up fruit slower than usual, too aware of Peter’s recent injury, using the same knife that he had, on the same chopping board. Quill ducked in time and time again, making faces at Riley, earning little giggles.

When Riley hopped up, asking where the bathroom was, Darcy nodded at Quill.

“He’ll show you.”

Quill obliged, returning, lowering his voice.

“So, what the fuck is going on, New Girl? Where’s the ex?”

“Ex fucked off,” Darcy murmured, and Quill’s brows hiked. “And don’t swear around Riley, she doesn’t like it.”

“Ex fucked off?” Quill repeated, not following her advice. “How come? You draw a line in the sand or something? I wouldn’t mind watching that fight play out.”

“Mud wrestling, or something like that?” Darcy muttered, ginger plonking into the container.

Quill snickered. “Good for you, New Girl. Except it does mean my plan to sweep you off your feet is fuckin’ busted –”

Darcy shoved him with an elbow, and he caught her, chuckling.

“I’m happy for you,” he said.

“No, you’re not,” Darcy retorted. “You’re full of shit.”

“Oh, no doubt,” he said, smirking. He stole an apple she had in a pile, taking a bite out of it. “But at least you know you’re wanted in case it doesn’t work out…”

Darcy rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help appreciating some sense of humor after the last couple days she had. He took another big bite of the apple.

“Can you go check on Riley?” Darcy said, and Quill nodded.

“I’m pretty sure she didn’t fall in…”

Darcy glanced at him, then said:

“Wait. Is Gamora back there?”

“Yeah, loading the truck, why?” he muttered, frowning a little. It melted away. “Oh, you’re jealous –”

“No,” Darcy said with a little laugh. “Go get Riley and show her the truck and everything. Might make you seem like a decent guy for two seconds. I’m trying to get you _laid_.”

“Quicker ways to solve that issue, New Girl,” he threw back, but he backed out of the room, disappearing.

-

Jane arrived with Thor mid-afternoon to start her shift, the puppy sitting at their feet, wagging its tail. Darcy leaned over the counter to pet him, cooing as he panted happily up at her.

She straightened back up, smiling at Thor when he asked her how she was.

“So much better,” she said. “What about you?”

“Still deciding on a name for the canine,” he said, broad grin forming, and it was contagious.

Even Jane was smiling as she disappeared into the back room with her stuff, tugging her apron on along the way. Darcy had borrowed a spare, her own still covered with Peter’s blood.

Peter was feeding watermelon into the juicer while Riley sat on the floor below, coloring. The store had been quieter, a lunch rush long over. When that happened, Riley needed to go to the backroom again or she would have been stepped on.

“He kinda reminds me of you,” Darcy said, and Thor chuckled.

She sensed someone behind her and saw Quill, moving through to put a tray of yellow peaches out on the shelf. Darcy’s eyes shifted back to Thor.

“Patrick,” Thor said, offering his hand.

“Peter,” Quill corrected.

“Peter Quinn,” Thor said, and Darcy pressed her lips together to stop herself from smiling, enjoying Quill’s obvious annoyance.

“Peter _Quill_.”

“Yes,” Thor said, his smile never faltering, shaking his hand. “How are you?”

Territory claimed. Darcy loved to see it, and was surprised she did, watching it play out. There wasn’t a lot said but it was clear Quill’s intentions with Jane were never anything beyond hooking up.

“I’ll be outside. Jane said she’d say goodbye when she was ready to start her shift,” Thor said. He turned his head to look at Darcy. “See you soon, Darcy.”

Quill narrowed his eyes at Thor’s retreating back, giving an unimpressed ‘huh’ when he turned his heel. He caught Darcy staring at him, face slackening.

“What’re you staring at, New Girl?”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing,” she said airily.

“Keep staring and I’ll get ideas,” he called, walking back out to the cool room.

Peter muttered under his breath:

“I’m so glad that’s over.”

Darcy spun around, moving up beside Peter.

“You knew about him and Jane? How come I was the last one to know?” she hissed, and Peter gave a little smirk, eyes glancing down at Riley, hesitating.

“I, uh… walked in on –”

“Oh, God,” Darcy groaned. “At _work_?”

“No, it wasn’t like they were – well, they were flirting,” Peter muttered, turning pink. “And Jane stared straight into my soul. Spooky stuff.”

“She just wasn’t masking, it’s nothing to take personally, Petey,” Darcy murmured, patting his back a couple times. “What about you, though? Any girl you’re telling your scary hospital story to?”

Peter gave a little nervous laugh, which led Darcy to believe there was someone he was trying to impress.

“She asked to see the stitches this morning.”

“True love,” Darcy said, and Peter shook his head.

“Nah, she just likes that kind of stuff,” he said. “I dunno. I think she thinks I’m a bit of a dope.”

“Legally, she has to date dopes for a while,” Darcy said, crossing her arms. “It’s kind of a requirement of teenage girls, unfortunately. We have annual meetings about it and everything. The Feminist Agenda, y’know?”

“Good to know,” Peter murmured.

He finished the juice he was making and poured it out, storing it in the fridge. They’d begun stockpiling their most popular juices since the weather refused to settle. Darcy couldn’t imagine fall anytime soon, though it was only just around the corner.

“Bring her here, sometime. She’d be impressed to see you at work,” Darcy said. “Responsible guy that you are.”

“Responsible guy that nearly chops his finger off?” Peter muttered.

Riley glanced up and Darcy shot her a smile, shaking her head.

“He’s telling a joke, he’s being silly,” she said, then gave Peter a pointed look. “This a very _safe_ place for me to be working at.”

Riley got up, and Darcy hoisted her into her arms with a little groan, hugging her tight. She rose her eyebrows at Peter, who gave her a sheepish shrug of his skinny shoulders.

“I’ll come over for dinner, same night as your crush,” she called, walking out back.

-

Steve walked into the store, wearing a shirt and a tie, his sleeves rolled down to his elbows, crouching as Riley ran toward him for a hug.

“Hey, honey,” he said, Riley’s arms clinging him tight. “You have fun today?”

Riley nodded, Darcy brushing hair from her little face.

“She’s wiped out,” she murmured.

Steve rose a hand to take Darcy by the chin, leaning down to kiss her.

“What about my other baby girl?”

Darcy felt her guts warm at his low, affectionate timbre, smiling up at him. They walked out into the street, after Darcy got her things and said goodbye to Peter.

At dinner, Steve spoke up when Riley was midway through a mouthful of ravioli.

“I spoke to Sam today, honey,” he said, and his daughter chewed with her mouth open, brow furrowing. “He wants you to meet a friend of his.”

“Why?”

“She wants to talk to you about me, and school, and… and Mommy.”

Darcy knew Steve meant to find a child psychologist. She gave Riley a little smile of encouragement.

“That’ll be good, Riley, you’re great at making friends,” she said.

“Am I in trouble?” Riley whispered.

“No,” Darcy and Steve said together. Steve cleared his throat.

“We’re gonna make a friend, too. Someone Darcy and I will talk to together,” he said.

Darcy hated asking for it, but she knew it was necessary, finding a counsellor for them. She didn’t fully understand how they were meant to get through all this, and any help or advice they could get was valuable. Darcy wanted to feel like she wasn’t an amateur posing as an adult anymore.

Darcy took his hand, nodding.

“That’s good.”

She felt Steve watching her for the rest of the night, when he wasn’t watching Riley. They went to bed, after Darcy showered all of her work off of her, legs aching, shoulders aching…

She flopped down beside him, his iPad bumped in the process.

“You drawing?” she said, around a long yawn.

“Yeah, it’s nothing…”

“Lemme see,” Darcy whispered, and he obliged, showing her a picture of herself with Riley in her lap.

It was so true to life Darcy’s mouth fell open.

“God, it’s… it’s amazing, Steve –”

“Enough about it, c’mere,” he whispered.

He kissed her, soft at first, slow and charged. It turned urgent when Darcy gave a little moan right by his ear, Steve settling on top of her, their upper halves naked and pressed together in a hug, his lips brushing her neck.

She couldn’t help the vulnerable noises falling from her lips, the ones she reserved just for him. She was letting him hear her, his body responding with soft groans, lips capturing hers, hands tugging down underwear, limbs rearranging.

He pushed the hair from her face, peering down at her.

“Just wanna get a good look at you,” he whispered, his lips staying parted as he slid home.

They both grunted, Darcy’s body shaking, their noses brushing as Steve settled down, kissing her again. He was smiling at her, because she was smiling up at him.

“We get to do this forever,” she whispered, as he finally began to move. “I’m yours forever…”

“If you keep that up, I’ll come,” Steve whispered, a laugh escaping.

“I don’t care,” Darcy whispered, because she didn’t.

They had time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's true love, your honor
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	23. xxiii. No Matter What

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, I'm a mess. I want to finish this universe but I get stage fright and my brain has never been less motivated than now. please be kind, please try to enjoy... whatever the hell this mess of a chapter is. I love you.

_It takes all that I got_  
_Not to fuck this up_  
_So won't you let me know_  
_If I'm not alone_  
_Leaning on you_  
**\- "Leaning On You" by HAIM**

**xxiii. No Matter What**

“So, when’s the appointment?” 

Darcy glanced up from the coffee table where she sat beside Riley, who was too busy to notice the adult conversation going on at Bucky and Nat’s dinner table. Nat was placing dishes down as Steve and Bucky sat with their beers between them, talking.

“Couple days,” Steve murmured. 

Riley hadn’t been doing well. She was clingy, upset whenever Darcy had to leave, crying when she returned. They knew the incident in the park had left wounds that needed help to fully heal, and there was only so much Darcy and Steve could do alone. They were planning to go as the three of them, Riley being the main star. Steve was taking that morning off, same as Darcy. She could see every shade of guilt and shame he carried in his body, his jaw working as she watched him. 

“Did Sam mention anything about the DCSE?” Bucky added, as Steve lifted his beer. 

Steve’s brows furrowed a little with confusion. “What’s that?”

“The Department of Child Support Enforcement,” Bucky said. 

Nat placed a large bowl of Caesar salad with an audible thud, her eyes meeting Bucky’s before she walked back into the kitchen, something passing between husband and wife. Darcy looked at Riley, who was still oblivious, happily coloring in her book she’d brought, with the deluxe crayon box that sat on the table. Riley had chatted about those crayons on their way over, and Darcy missed that type of innocence, little things like Riley’s Uncle’s special crayons worth gushing over. She shifted her eyes back to Steve, hearing him murmur:

“Are you talking about Jen’s child support?” 

“Yeah, and lack thereof,” Bucky said, folding his arms.

Darcy was getting used to seeing this - Bucky being upset on Steve’s behalf. She watched as Steve considered this, his frown increasing. 

“I don’t know if that’s an avenue I-”

“Steve, she owes you thousands,” Bucky said, leaning forward, voice dropping as he tapped the table with a finger. “I looked into it.”

Nat returned faster than the first time, cutting in.

“Hon, it’s not the time.”

“It’s the law,” Bucky said, and he softened immediately, realizing he’d snapped. “M’sorry, Nat-”

“Yeah, shut up,” she whispered, placing some dinner rolls in front of him. “We’re gonna eat.”

She turned her head and so did the men, everyone except Riley suddenly staring at Darcy, whose lips parted. 

“Darce,” Steve said, and she cleared her throat, nodding. 

She took Riley to the bathroom to wash her hands and then they all had dinner. They didn’t talk about Jennifer again, not until they were back at Steve’s apartment, sitting on the couch together after putting Riley to bed.

“I know it’s the law,” Steve murmured, breaking a long silence between them. 

He sounded older. Darcy stared at the side of his face, the TV playing in front of them. His arm was around her, and they were breathing in tandem. Everything felt right when they were together, but Darcy still felt that suspicious tug, the fear that Jennifer still had the power to undo everything. She knew Steve wasn’t a fool, but having Jennifer anywhere near them at all sounded too dangerous, and she knew then why he hadn’t pushed his ex for money.

“You’re scared she’ll sue you for custody,” she murmured, instead of only keeping it to herself. 

She’d stopped doing that as much. Voicing her thoughts, though jumbled at times, had got easier in the last week. Steve turned a little to look her in the eye.

“Yeah.”

“So trying to get her to pay for child support would be too much?” she said, and Steve looked conflicted. He was aware of his rights, but he didn’t want to rock the boat. 

Darcy couldn’t blame him. She’d never forget how cold Jennifer could be, how distant she’d been from her only child. 

“If the roles were reversed, and you were the father out in the world, not paying for your kid, everyone would call you a deadbeat dad,” Darcy said, and he drew in a breath. “There’s no difference, here, Steve. You know that.”

“You’re gonna push this, too?” he said.

“I’m not Bucky, but I’m on his side, sure,” Darcy said, bristling. “Which is also your side. _Riley’s_ side.”

Steve rubbed her arm. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just a lot to think about right now. She’s not in a good place, and I want her to start school without her having to be dragged into something a court decides-”

“A court would give you what you’re entitled to,” Darcy murmured, and Steve glanced away. “But you’re right. It’s a lot. I’m not gonna let you push it under a rug, though, just because you think you don’t deserve some compensation.”

“I did okay,” Steve said. “I’d like to think Riley had everything she needed.”

“New York State says parents have to provide financial support for their child until they’re twenty-one,” Darcy said, and Steve looked at her again, sighing. “I looked it up when you were in the bathroom. And Riley’s got a while until she’s twenty-one.”

She and Steve shared a long look and his eyes eventually softened, his hand coming up to brush her hair from her face. 

“How are you?” he said. “With everything?”

“I’m fine,” Darcy said instantly. “Why?”

“You’re thrown into all this,” he murmured. 

“I’m not about to walk out because you mentioned a child psychologist,” she murmured back, leaning up to kiss him on the lips. “Or one for _us_.”

He drew back, squeezing her shoulder. “You threw yourself pretty hard.”

“I stuck the landing,” she retorted. 

“I know,” he said. “God, I know…”

-

“Fenrir?” Darcy said, scrunching her nose. She was eating a peach and sucked some juice from her thumb, Jane leaning against the counter with her. “Like the wolf?”

“Yes,” Jane said. “I didn’t know you knew about that.”

“You started dating a guy called ‘Thor’, for fuck’s sake,” Darcy muttered. “Of course I looked up Norse mythology. If you hadn’t told me his parents were practically royalty, I would’ve said they were in a fucking cult.”

“What’s the difference,” Quill muttered under his breath, walking past them with half a dozen bags of carrots. 

He’d been pouting since Thor had got back with Jane, and Darcy rose her brows at him, Jane in her own world as usual. She needed to get him to ask out Gamora, but she hadn’t figured out how to orchestrate that yet. He was in a lot of denial about hurt pride, too. 

“Should we start a tab for you, New Girl?” he said, and Darcy tossed the stone from the peach aside, turning her back on him. She’d deal with him some other time. 

She went to make a red juice for Riley, talking to Jane as if they hadn’t been interrupted. It was the afternoon, the first day of the last heatwave of summer. Hardly anyone was out, but the store was still open, a few crappy fans their only fight against the heat. Jay had the day off, and Carol had already left with Maria hours ago.

“So, Fenrir the dog,” Darcy said. “Is he as deadly as the mythical beast?”

“To socks,” Jane said. She smirked, which surprised Darcy a little. 

Usually, Jane was prone to lapses of humor when it came to pets and children especially. She had little patience for either. She took out her phone to show Darcy some more pictures of Fenrir while Darcy fed pieces of watermelon into the machine. 

“Has Jennifer tried to contact Steve?” Jane asked, ripping Darcy from the safe haven of the store. 

She swallowed, thinking back on every moment Steve took out his phone and didn’t tell her why immediately. She didn’t always have to know, but since the park, she’d been worried. It was usually work, she discerned, by the way Steve would rub his eyes and get typing. She’d ask what he was doing and he’d say he was replying to an email. There was a text he got a couple nights ago. Darcy thought if he’d got it when they were at Bucky and Nat’s place, Bucky would have called Jen back and screamed so loud all of Brooklyn would have heard. 

“He got this text from her, she said she wanted to see him,” she murmured. “I don’t think Steve’s gonna. Not anytime soon, anyway.”

“He shouldn’t,” Jane said. “Obviously, he should file a protection order.”

Darcy frowned a little, pausing her juicing. “I dunno if that’s something Jennifer would need to stay away.”

Jane was not aware of the abuse Steve was subjected to, and she had no right to know. Darcy didn’t want to inadvertently spill the beans. 

“It’s a difficult situation,” she added, turning back to the machine, determined to finish. “Steve doesn’t want to push for any child support, but he knows he should, and he doesn’t want her anywhere near Riley. The court might make him give her some type of visitation.”

Jane rolled her eyes. “She left for two years and then she decided she wanted to be a mom again?”

“People do that all the time,” Darcy said, shrugging. “My own dad-”

She shut her mouth, shaking her head. It was never the right time to mention him. She’d been dodging telling him anything about her life for weeks, and she didn’t want to start now. She tried not to feel guilty every time she saw one of her step-cousins showed up on her Instagram feed. Their lives seemed so put together. Darcy was enjoying her life a lot more in the last few months, because of Steve and his family, but she knew she couldn’t move past how her own family made her feel. So instead of tackling it in any healthy way like she and Steve were going to, she was avoiding it. She knew it made her a hypocrite, but she didn’t have the energy to juggle both. At least not yet.

“What about your dad?” Jane muttered. “Will he at least visit you in September?”

Darcy felt herself tense all over. She’d been so deep into Steve’s issues lately that she had managed to ignore a very important anniversary. It was coming up on the fifth anniversary of her mom’s death. 

“Does Steve know?” Jane added, when Darcy said nothing.

“No.”

“Why not?” Jane said. 

“Because I don’t want to… deal with it,” Darcy muttered, knowing her excuse was lame. She sighed, switching off the machine. 

She moved to cap the juice bottle and then stowed it away in the fridge beneath the juicer, straightening up to clean the plastic jugs and the funnel. Jane was watching her, looking her version of confused, which people often interpreted as a sour expression. 

“Your mom isn’t going to get any more…”

“Dead?” Darcy said, glancing at Jane, her voice rising slightly. 

“Yes,” Jane said, putting her phone in her apron pocket and crossing her arms. “Aren’t both his parents dead?”

Darcy shut her eyes to prevent them from outright rolling at her friend. She knew she wasn’t ever going to be as understanding as she was. She knew she wasn’t like Nat, who picked up on things faster than anyone else in the room did. 

She didn’t say anything, and she hoped Jane got the message, which she seemed to eventually by how her face morphed into the usual neutral base. 

“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so autistic,” she muttered, which Darcy hadn’t expected. 

She put aside the clean jugs and wiped her hands gracelessly on her apron, turning back to Jane. She glanced over at the doorway, hoping Quill wouldn’t walk in to give his two cents. He dealt with it in ways Darcy never would, being friends with benefits or whatever they’d called it. 

“Why’s that?” Darcy murmured. 

“I say things like that,” Jane said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Jane was working over something in her head, drawing in a breath. Darcy could feel the familiar ache in her heart, the one that never really went away. She swallowed, her face growing hotter. She wondered if she’d cry, and she didn’t want to. It was probably what made Jane’s mouth turn downward.

“I’m sorry about Rachel.”

“I know,” Darcy whispered. “I know.”

There was a pause and she knew Jane probably needed to hear more, but at the same time, it wasn’t her job to make her friend feel better. Darcy ducked under the sink to check supplies and stood up again. 

“I’m going out back for a sec.”

“Okay.”

She walked out, passing a hand over her face. She heard a familiar voice of Peter, signifying his arrival. She needed to snap out of this as fast as possible. She drew in a shaky breath, nearly running straight into Quill on her way through.

“Look out, New Girl-”

“Sorry,” Darcy muttered, instead of chewing him out. 

He frowned down at her, inspecting her face. “You okay?”

“I… well, no,” she whispered, and she went to the sink out back, moving to wash her hands with the bar of soap there, for no other reason than to occupy herself for a minute. 

She could hear Peter playing with the radio. Soon, he’d walk in with his backpack. The lump in her throat was still there. She was fighting the urge to take out her phone to look at pictures of Rachel, since Quill was still lingering behind her, concerned.

“Jane said something about your mom before.”

She whipped her head toward Quill. “You spying on us?”

“ _No_ ,” he snapped, frowning more.

Darcy didn’t like that. She didn’t like other people talking about her like she was a flight risk. She knew her dad and stepmom probably did it all the time, when he bothered to bitch about her. She wondered how he described her to his friends and his wife’s family. He probably told a lot of white lies and embellishments. 

She was hit with another pang of longing. God, she missed her mom so much it felt like a physical blow.

“Hey, hey,” Quill said, and Darcy knew she was crying, putting her wet hands over her face to cover her tears, and he was moving toward her, hands on her shoulders. “Darcy…” 

She wasn’t used to him saying her name. It made her feel more vulnerable somehow, like dumbass Quill from work couldn’t keep up his joking act, because she was openly sobbing. 

“Hey, Petey,” she heard him say, and Darcy took her hands away, seeing Peter in the doorway, his backpack on one shoulder, his eyes a little wide as he took her in.

“Don’t look at me,” she mumbled, and she turned her face away, wiping her tears with her hands.

Peter didn’t say a word, just moved toward her like Quill had, his arms wrapping around Darcy to hug her tight.

-

This is fine, Darcy thought. 

She was sitting alone in the waiting room, pretending to read the magazine she had in her lap. She was the only one there, eyes darting toward the corridor Riley and Steve disappeared down earlier. She knew the session was only going to be an hour, but the time seemed to stretch on and on. She looked down at the pictures, trying to read the article beneath them. The sentences didn’t sink in. She didn’t want to check her phone, she knew she’d only see it was exactly the same as it had been two minutes ago when she last checked. She drew in a breath, glancing over at the receptionist that was typing softly at her computer. 

The trip over had been quiet. They took the subway, Riley walking between them. Darcy had been nervous, but more than willing to encourage Riley. This was only going to help her. It didn’t stop her worrying that Riley would be too scared to speak to a stranger, but Darcy knew the woman she was seeing had plenty of experience. Steve was in on the session, too, as it was recommended for preschool children. 

“Baby?”

Darcy got up, magazine dropping to the floor, seeing Steve there without Riley. Her heart began to beat faster. 

“Helen wanted to meet you,” he said, and Darcy felt her face flush, retrieving the magazine to put it aside. 

She took the hand Steve offered and walked with him down the corridor. He peered down at her, not smiling, and Darcy’s heart gave a little squeeze.

“You okay?” she whispered, and he nodded, jaw working. 

They went through a door that stood ajar, _Dr. Helen Cho_ across its front beneath the tiny window in its middle. Darcy gave the woman that stood up from her armchair a smile, before moving forward to shake her hand.

“Hi, you must be Steve’s partner,” Helen said. 

It was such a grown up word. She was his girlfriend, but it felt like more, especially with Riley between them. Darcy glanced at Riley, who was sitting in front of a doll house, putting a tiny tutu on a wooden mouse. 

“I wanted to meet you,” Helen added. 

“Of course.”

“My understanding is that you spend a lot of your time with Riley, too.”

“Yeah, she’s… she’s everything to me,” Darcy murmured. 

She’d never said that out loud before. She meant it. Riley wasn’t like a little sister, it wasn’t the same dynamic she had with Peter. She knew there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for her. 

“I’ll be seeing you all in a few weeks,” Helen said, smiling at Riley, who wasn’t paying attention.

“Okay,” Steve said, nodding. “I’ll set up a time-”

“That’s what Audrey is for, Steve. It’s alright,” Helen said with another gentle smile. 

Riley turned her head, frowning a little.

“Time to go, hon,” Steve said, jutting his head toward the door. “C’mon. Say ‘bye’ to Helen.”

“Bye, Helen," Riley mumbled, raising a hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Helen said, and Riley nodded, suddenly shy.

Steve put his hand on her head and steered her out the door. Darcy moved to leave, but paused at Helen’s side, sensing she was being watched.

“Was she responsive?” she murmured, and Helen nodded.

“She was a little shy at first but she’s a very friendly girl, as you’d know.”

Darcy nodded. “Yeah…”

“Steve mentioned you’d be seeing someone at this clinic, too,” she added. “I would encourage that, just so you have another set of ears to talk this out. I know it’s been a challenging time for you.”

Darcy could see Steve was walking away with Riley, back toward the reception. She swallowed.

“Yeah, well… he’s dealt with this longer than me.”

“How are _you_?” Helen said, and her question felt sudden.

“I’m fine,” Darcy said. “I’m… so happy with Steve, and Riley.” 

She felt a sudden urge to flee, her hand gripping the strap of her bag on her shoulder. She averted her gaze.

“Lovely to meet you. See you soon.”

She wasn’t lying. She wasn’t unhappy. She’d never felt more loved in all her life. She didn’t want to peer at herself too closely right now, not that day. She’d already spent that week trying to not think about her mom, or her dad. That didn’t feel as important compared to Riley’s or Steve’s well-being. 

“Darcy.”

She stopped, turning to Helen. 

The older woman wasn’t reprimanding her. Darcy felt like coming here meant she’d be in trouble. Sitting in that waiting room felt like the principal’s office, not that she’d ever been in much trouble when she was in school.

“It’s a lot to take on in a short amount of time.”

Darcy nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

She departed, face burning as she joined Steve and Riley by the receptionist desk. 

-

It was hours later when she and Steve spoke about the session beyond the vague mentions of it sprinkled throughout the evening. Riley chatted about the toys Helen had in her office, but nothing else was discussed. 

Darcy couldn’t put into words exactly what she was thinking, but she had felt whirls of nervous anticipation the further into the night they went. She could feel everything building when Riley was in the bath, when Riley was tucked in bed…

Steve was the one to read to her while Darcy cleaned up in the kitchen. Helen’s words kept cropping up again and again:

_It’s a lot to take on in a short amount of time._

Was it stranger that she clung to Steve like she had instead of walking away? She would have thought the more sensible option would be completely heartless. It was strange that people thought preserving themselves by making themselves alone was the better choice.

Hypocrite, she thought. 

“Hey, she’s out cold,” Steve murmured from behind her, and Darcy jolted, fumbling the fork she was putting in the dishwasher.

He gave a little smile. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Sorry.”

He moved toward her and Darcy turned properly to face him, the fork put away. His hands came up to either side of her face, his eyes searching her face.

“How did today go?” she asked. “What did Helen think?”

“She seemed happy we decided to deal with what Jen did now rather than later,” he murmured. His thumb rubbed Darcy’s cheekbone. “I kept wanting to jump out the window.”

“It’s not your fault.”

He nodded, lips pressing together.

“Steve, it’s not your fault,” Darcy said, hands placed on his. She leaned up to kiss him, closing her eyes. She drew back, pulling his hands down from her face, staring at their fingers twined together. “My turn…”

She took a deep breath.

“Uh, it’s the anniversary of my mom’s death, in about a week.”

She knew it was exactly seven days. She knew the time, too. 11.20PM. She didn’t need to add that. It hurt too much to say aloud. 

Steve’s face fell. “Baby…”

“I just wanted to give you a heads-up, in case I act a little differently, or I’m out of it,” she murmured. “I didn’t want you to think… I was pulling away from you. Or worse.”

His stare was intense, his brows knit together.

“When did your mom die?” she asked, clearing her throat. 

“A little after Christmas,” he murmured. “She stayed on until I asked her to let go.”

Darcy let out a short breath of a laugh. It was eerily similar to her own experience. She supposed a lot of people did that, when their family was on their way out. They didn’t want to see them suffering.

“She’s not in any pain anymore, Darcy,” Steve said, and Darcy’s eyes snapped to his. “She’s not in the hospital, waiting for you to go rushing back to her. She wants you to move on.”

“I tried to,” Darcy retorted. “Nothing… stuck. Except this.”

Steve watched her as she looked at their feet, remembering holding her mom’s hand. She drew in a shaky breath.

“Darcy.”

She looked up, swallowing. “Yeah.”

“You are so outta my league, y’know?” he whispered. 

Darcy felt her face flush. “Steve-”

“Hear me out,” he said, and he took hold of her face again, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you, no matter what. And I can’t believe I get to be with you.”

“Stop,” Darcy whispered, feeling like he was exaggerating. He was too earnest to be lying, moving down to kiss her mouth. 

She whimpered, breaking away. Her eyes stung. 

“I can’t handle it. You’re too…”

Steve was too good. He cut her off with another kiss, a thorough one that left Darcy dazed and desperate, her hands curling into his shirt. Their noses brushed and their lips bumped as he spoke.

“I love you no matter what.”

Darcy breathed with him, choosing not to argue. 

“My mom would’ve loved you,” she said, her voice wobbling.

He smiled, his own eyes glassy. “Yeah, and mine would’ve loved you, too. So fucking much.”

Darcy dissolved into a sob, Steve’s arms wrapping around her as she wept into his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: minor fuck up on my part - Riley's psychologist was originally written as Betty Ross before I remembered she's already in this au. 
> 
> Edit (again): I changed the date of Rachel's death to be closer, it was once noted as eighteen days from this chapter, I changed it to seven days.
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	24. xxiv. She Loves You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, let's be mush
> 
> (I changed around a couple things from the last chapter, bringing up Rachel's death anniversary to a week after part 23)
> 
> p.s. thank you to my girlfriend Em_Jaye for helping me figure out a couple things because my brain is broken; Wanda's here for two seconds

_Maybe this time I'll say something_   
_Something a little wild out loud_   
_Maybe this time I'll say something_   
_I've been feeling for a while out loud_   
**\- "Overkill" by Holly Humberstone**

_Ooh, maybe you know, but you're loved by everyone_   
_Or maybe you don't and you feel like you're alone_   
_I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die wondering why_   
**\- "Maybe You Know" by Holy Holy**

**xxiv. She Loves You**

Darcy met Riley’s teacher, Miss Maximoff, on the anniversary of Rachel’s death. Steve had said repeatedly that she didn’t have to lift a finger that day, she could stay in bed and watch movies on her laptop if she wanted to. They almost argued about her going to get Riley from preschool that afternoon, after she slept in. She and Steve spent the morning at his apartment anyway, Steve working while Darcy kept moving from room to room, restless. 

She didn’t manage to concentrate well on anything, and it was a relief to be able to finally go to get Riley from school. It was meant to be a surprise, since Steve had been the one to take Riley that morning while Darcy lay on her side, trying to not be sad.

Riley gave a squeal as she spotted Darcy in the hallway outside her classroom, and Darcy knelt to catch Riley when they collided, almost stumbling backwards in the process. Riley had sailed toward her with such abandon, her eyes bright.

“Look what I made!” Riley declared, and she held up a piece of pink construction paper with a ‘R’ on it, made up entirely of macaroni pieces covered in glitter.

“Oh, wow,” Darcy said, and Riley clung to her middle, looking up at Darcy as she examined it. “We can put this on the refrigerator when we get home…”

“Riley!” 

Darcy turned her head toward the voice, seeing a redhead with a maroon cardigan around her shoulders, her smile beaming at the five year-old.

“That’s my teacher, Miss Maximoff,” Riley said. She grabbed Darcy’s hand and tugged her back toward the doorway, where other children were coming out. 

“Bye, Riley!” yelled a little boy missing his front teeth.

“Bye, Bobby,” Riley said back, waving. 

Bobby walked over to a woman waiting for him near where Darcy had been. 

“Riley, did you make a friend?” Darcy murmured to her, and she couldn’t keep the smile from her face when Riley nodded.

“Riley’s made so many new friends,” said Miss Maximoff, who directed her dazzling smile Darcy’s way now. “And we had a great day.”

“Can we get ice cream?” Riley asked suddenly, and Darcy glanced her way, distracted.

“Uh, we could.”

“Are you Riley’s mother?” Miss Maximoff asked, as Riley decided to peel away from her and race back into the classroom to chat with another classmate who was putting their hat on. “Steve mentioned that his ex might…”

Darcy’s eyes snapped to the teacher’s. 

“I’m Darcy, his girlfriend, not his ex-wife,” Darcy said, offering her hand. 

“Wanda,” Miss Maximoff said. “He spoke to the principal this morning, after he dropped off Riley. I had a brief chat with her. I’m hoping to understand the situation fully-”

“I have ID if you need to check it,” Darcy said, and Wanda kept smiling, but shook her head.

“That’s not necessary, Darcy. Steve had a lot of nice things to say about you,” she said. “I’m sorry for mentioning her without warning.”

Darcy realized then she’d tensed all over in self-defense, and she glanced away self-consciously, watching Riley chatting with her classmate. She threw back her head and laughed like her father tended to do. She looked a lot like Jennifer but she was still Steve’s child. Darcy swallowed, feeling more settled.

“That’s okay, I appreciate you understanding everything,” she said, and Wanda nodded in the corner of her eye. 

Darcy felt her phone begin to buzz in her pocket and she ducked away, giving Wanda an apologetic look as she took it out to check the display.

It was her father. She stared down at it. 

“Riley’s fine, Darcy, you can take the call if you need to,” Wanda said, and Darcy glanced her way, putting on a little smile. 

Wanda seemed the perfect fit for Riley’s first teacher. Darcy strode down the hallway a bit, putting her phone to her ear, closing her eyes.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hi, Darcy,” he said, sounding a little surprised. “I… didn’t expect you to answer.”

A beat. Darcy let out a half-laugh.

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

“I didn’t mean that to be rude, I know you tend to call me back. I didn’t know if you were working…”

“No, it’s okay,” Darcy murmured. 

A few older kids ran down the hall past her and Darcy stepped out of their way, a teacher calling after them to slow down.

“I had today off,” she added. “I… I have stuff to tell you. I met someone.”

Talking about Steve to someone who hadn’t been with her on this journey for the last few months was so bizarre. She heard him mull this over. 

“Yeah? What’s his name?”

“Steve,” Darcy said. She cleared her throat. “I’m at his kid’s school right now. She started kindergarten.”

“Oh, yeah? In Brooklyn?” he said.

“Yeah,” Darcy breathed. “Dad, I…”

She was suddenly overwhelmed, her tummy fluttering. She wanted to tell him everything, but she knew he tended to react in a way that was distinctly opposite to how Rachel always was. She would be jumping up and down at the news of Darcy meeting someone like Steve, after so many disappointments before. Darcy’s dad was so distant it read as cold. 

He was just… different. Darcy realized she’d accepted that sometime ago, but she hadn’t acknowledged it until now. It was the same with her stepmother. She wouldn’t ever be close to the woman, but she didn’t care if she didn’t like her. Darcy was still her father’s daughter, and it wasn’t like his new wife ever did anything wrong. She just wasn’t Rachel.

“Is this the big one?” her dad murmured, and Darcy let out a chuckle.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m in love.”

-

“Darcy!”

She stopped in her tracks, on her way to the backroom, Jay pointing at her.

“You passed.”

“What did I pass?” Darcy said, eyes widening. 

The store was virtually empty, except for Darcy, Peter and Jay. Peter was juicing some orange juice for his aunt May. Darcy was on her way to get their bags from the back so they could leave. Jane had already slipped into the back to put on her apron. Darcy’s mind was a little muddle that day, having swapped shifts around so she was there at dawn with Quill, Carol and Maria. Jay may have mentioned something before that had gone straight over her head. Quill had plied her with plenty of coffee that morning but it was well into the afternoon now and Darcy’s headache was intensifying, her stomach grumbling. 

“Your performance review,” Jay said, frowning at her. He turned a little to rearrange some apples. “Carol said you were up for one, after four months.”

“I’ve been here four months?” Darcy said.

Peter smirked. “Yeah, Darce.”

Darcy shook her head a little to clear it. “Wait, you were observing me?”

Jay nodded, shrugging. “Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“The last hour.”

Darcy would not have known. Jay seemed to mostly chat to customers and move the stock around. He had been staring at her a couple times, but that was just Jay. Whenever he did that, she expected him to crack some joke, wanting an attentive audience. 

“So, the time I rolled my eyes at that guy that came in, with the fucking banjo-?”

“What?” Jay snapped, and Darcy felt her face flush. “Oh, he was a schmuck.”

The banjo guy had asked if they sold coffee, and then said he’d ‘settle’ for cold brew. All Peter did was give him a confused look and the man left in a huff, Darcy’s eyes darting to the ceiling as she sighed. 

“You passed, alright?” Jay said, snapping his fingers. He then pointed in the direction she was heading before he interrupted her. “ _Vaffanculo_.”

Darcy scoffed. “Alright, _vaffanculo_ to you, too, boss…”

She walked off, seeing Maria and Carol in the office on her way through. She almost collided with Jane, who was locking her phone, her screen now a picture of Thor with Fenrir at the park. 

Darcy grabbed her backpack and Peter’s next to it, shouldering her own, turning her heel to walk back out. She hadn’t bothered to take off her apron yet, tugging her hair out of its tie, when Maria called out:

“Hey, Darce.”

She paused, turning her head. Carol’s eyes met hers.

“Um, we got some news.”

If it had anything to do with shifts, Darcy wasn’t in the mood to discuss. She knew she was already fading, but she could still put on a polite smile if prompted. Snickers was right though, Darcy wasn’t herself when she was hungry.

“Maria and I, we’re getting married,” Carol said. 

Darcy’s mouth fell open. “What? Oh, my God!”

She flew toward them, and Carol rose just in time to receive the hug Darcy gave her. She moved to Maria next, who spoke to Carol:

“See, I told you.”

“What?” Darcy murmured, smirking.

“Carol didn’t want to tell you,” Maria muttered, nudging her affectionately. 

Carol had gone a little pink, frowning at her. “I didn’t say that-”

“You’re just not great at being personable,” Darcy murmured, and Carol narrowed her eyes at her playfully.

“Alright. You were leaving?”

“Yes. With the teenage mutant ninja turtle,” Darcy said, and she was stepping back.

“I heard that!” Peter called. 

Darcy glanced at Maria and Carol, drawing in a breath.

“Jesus, please do not cry,” Carol said. She sat back in her chair to look at her laptop. 

“She’s only saying that so she doesn’t start crying,” Maria whispered, and Carol shook her head, smiling. 

Maria brought Darcy into another hug, and longer one that had Darcy tucking her chin into her shoulder.

On her way out, Peter looked sheepish, Darcy’s brows rising at him as they walked outside. 

“What’s up?”

“Jane said I left the machine all messed up and she’ll have to take it apart-”

“Oh, please, she’s having the time of her life,” Darcy said with a dismissive wave of her hand. 

She looped her arm through Peter’s as they set off toward the subway station, Peter’s chuckle in her ears.

-

May Parker made spaghetti bolognese and Darcy had second helpings of dinner. May seemed to appreciate that Darcy could eat like her teenage nephew, pushing the dinner rolls toward Darcy when she paused her chewing. 

“Do you two meet in the middle somewhere when it comes to music?” May asked, and Darcy glanced at Peter. 

“There is a little generational gap there,” Darcy muttered, and May chuckled.

“He makes fun of my taste,” May said. “But hey, he listens to that beep-boop-boop-bop stuff-”

“Aunt May, you know it’s EDM,” Peter said, closing his eyes. “I’ve told you like, a hundred times.”

May winked at Darcy. “How’s the store?”

“I passed a performance review today,” Darcy said, picking up her water glass to sip it.

May’s brows shot up. “Oh, really? Good thing I made tiramisu.”

“She was gonna make it anyway,” Peter murmured to Darcy. “For you saving my hand.”

“Lemme see the scar,” Darcy said, holding out her hand. 

Peter sighed, the two women giggling at his annoyance, but he placed it palm up. Darcy took hold of it, turning it over, frowning as though she was studying an artifact.

“Interesting,” she murmured. “You come up with a cool story to go with it, yet?”

“Nope, since I already told anyone who asked,” Peter said.

“I still think MJ could swoon over that-”

“Teenage girls don’t swoon, Darcy,” May pointed out.

“Please don’t talk about her,” Peter said, and Darcy grinned. “Darce-”

“Oh, but she’s adorable,” May said. “You’d be so cute together. You’ve got that dance coming up-”

“What dance?” Darcy said, letting go of Peter’s hand, leaning closer to him. “What haven’t I been told?”

Peter glanced at his aunt and then Darcy. “It’s nothin’. It’s just the summer program celebrating passing our classes. It’s not a dance, it’s a mixer, or something.”

“Mixers count as a date, if you asked her to come along,” Darcy said. 

“I’m not…”

Peter had gone red, trailing off. 

“Peter, as an old person,” May said, and Peter glanced at her. “I’d advise you to take every chance you’ve got to make yourself look like an idiot in front of this girl. A respectful idiot, I’ll add.”

“She already thinks I’m an idiot,” Peter said, frowning.

“There you go,” Darcy said, and May nodded.

After dessert, May gave Darcy a tight hug goodbye, murmuring in her ear:

“You come back soon, okay?”

Darcy nodded, suddenly overwhelmed by all the affection. She’d only put off this dinner at Peter’s place because she didn’t want to be fussed over. Darcy had begun to understand that she had these double standards, of wanting to offer help and love to everyone but not wanting to take it in return. She knew it was something she needed to work on, so she nodded at May, meaning it.

Peter walked out with her into the night, the sun not yet set. 

“See, you’re a gentleman,” Darcy said. “Walking me to the station. MJ would dig that.”

“Darcy,” Peter said with a little sigh, but he was smiling. 

She nudged him, smirking up at him. They walked down the street, Darcy’s eyes taking in Peter’s neighborhood. 

“How long have you been living with May?” she asked, realizing she never had.

“Since I was really little,” Peter said. “I don’t remember my parents much.”

“I’m sorry,” Darcy said, automatic. 

“It’s okay,” Peter said with a little shrug. “It’s more my uncle I get bummed about…”

Something passed over his face, and he pulled in a breath. As much shit as everyone gave Peter for being the youngest worker at the store, he was wise beyond his years and showed real maturity. Darcy stared at him, until he turned his head toward her.

“What, what I do?”

“Nothing, I just love you,” she said, and Peter flushed.

“Oh.”

Darcy didn’t expect him to say it back, but he did, quietly:

“I love you, too.”

A beat, and Darcy met his gaze again, smiling. 

“And I like working with you.”

“I like working with you, too,” she murmured.

-

Darcy could hear Riley’s happy calls from within the apartment as she came in through the front door. The little girl ran to her, and Darcy gave an exaggerated grunt when they collided, her arms wrapping around her, kissing her little face. 

She walked into the living room, seeing Steve lying on the couch. She ducked to kiss him on the lips, his hand coming up to pat her butt a couple times. 

Riley said: “Daddy’s being silly.”

Darcy smirked, seeing the desire and unbridled affection in Steve’s eyes.

“Of course. Daddy is the silliest.”

She and Riley had a dance party in front of the TV, singing along to mostly Disney songs they found on YouTube, Steve sitting up as he worked in silence. 

Every so often, Darcy’s eyes would meet his and she’d smile. She loved coming home to him, the feeling never grew old. She didn’t think it ever would.

Darcy clicked on Billie Eilish, which was a newfound obsession of Riley’s. Darcy hadn’t meant for the five year-old to find out about her, it must have come from another child at school. Riley’s singing was always a little off-key, the lyrics muddled, but the effort was always adorable. Darcy found it especially cute that the little girl only wanted to listen to three songs of hers, over and over again. If she was ever interrupted, she had to start over. 

“Honey, this song is _sad_ ,” Steve said, when Riley insisted on replaying one for the third time in a row. “What about something I’d like?”

“You’re working,” his daughter retorted, and he snorted.

“Alright.”

“We’ll put on The Beatles, okay?” Darcy said, and Riley paused, considering this.

She was obsessed with _Yellow Submarine_ after all.

“Okay,” she said. “After one more Billie Eilish.”

Darcy obliged, dancing with Riley in a waltz, changing over to _Got to Get You Into My Life_ before Riley could object.

Darcy kept yelling the lyrics, Riley scrunching her nose at her and giggling.

“I’m tone deaf, am I doing it right, hon?” Darcy half-yelled, and Riley began to cackle. 

Steve was laughing, too, his iPad forgotten, watching them as Darcy spun Riley around and dipped her.

The YouTube autoplay began _All You Need Is Love_ and Steve put up his hands.

“It’s fate, I gotta get up.”

“Oh, no! Riley, run! Daddy’s gonna dance!” Darcy stage-whispered.

Steve was up, moving toward Darcy, Riley stepping away and giggling, watching as he moved into a waltz with her, their foreheads pressed together.

Darcy stared up at him, her arms around his neck. They moved in a slow circle, Darcy mouthing along to the words. Her heart was swelling. 

Riley did her own dancing, slightly out of time, but her enthusiasm was too precious not to appreciate. 

It got to John Lennon yelling in the background:

_ She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah… _

Steve finally leaned down, their noses brushing. 

He murmured it, half-singing:

“She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah…”

Darcy laughed, a little breathless, her hand slipping down to his chest, right where his eagle would be under his shirt. Steve kissed her, hands on either side of her face, the two of them still turning in a slow circle, a new song beginning to play. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vaffanculo = fuck off
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)   
>  [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


	25. xxv. Epilogue

_Everything I've loved_   
_Everything I've lost_   
_Everything I was_   
_Is coming back to me_   
**\- "Coming Back To Me" by The Naked and Famous**

_I root for you, I love you_   
_You, you, you, you_   
**\- "Valentine" by Fiona Apple**

_Don't stress_   
_That's dumb_   
_I'm here_   
_And it's nice to be alive_   
_Chill out_   
_It's all right_   
_Kiss me_   
_It's nice to be alive_   
**\- "It's Nice To Be Alive" by Ball Park Music**

**xxv. Epilogue**

Four months turned into five, and then six. And then sooner than expected, it was May, and it was Riley’s birthday. 

After a long Saturday at the park, five of Riley’s friends from school were still there, other parents having come to collect those who’d chosen to leave earlier. It was easier to wrangle several children with Bucky and Nat helping, but the only good idea for dinner was pizza, with _Frozen_ playing in the living room as everyone piled onto the couches and floor. Riley was loving the attention, and Darcy was always so touched to see she was just like Steve in the sense that she was looking after every one of her guests, offering to help.

“Honey, sit down,” Darcy murmured, planting a kiss on Riley’s forehead, before spinning her around to push her back toward the couch. She crouched to pick up more trash to put in the bag she was dragging through the living room. 

Steve was eating another slice of ice cream cake with Bucky at the kitchen table, his eyes lifting to Darcy as she walked in.

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah. It’s your shift, now,” she said, and he smiled at her, getting up.

Bucky, unprompted, followed him out. Darcy moved toward the sink where Nat stood, leaning back with her chin lifted toward the ceiling.

“You should sit down,” Darcy said, and she knew she wasn’t the first one to say it by the look Nat gave her. 

Darcy put up her hands in defense, Nat sighing.

“When I sit down, my back hurts. When I stand, my feet hurt, but less than my back,” Nat muttered. She rubbed her belly, before her frown began to melt away, a smile forming. 

“Kicking?” Darcy said, and Nat nodded. 

Nat was entering her third trimester. In the last couple weeks, she’d barely got a risk from the baby. Darcy put the trash bag aside, going to wash a couple dirty dishes, Nat stepping aside.

“You wanna feel?” she murmured, and Darcy’s eyes met Nat’s.

“Okay,” she said. 

She hadn’t felt the baby kick before, simply because she didn’t want to demand Nat’s personal space. It was earlier that day when a complete stranger came up to them in the park and asked how far along Nat was. Darcy hated the idea of someone touching her without permission, so she’d never asked about feeling the kicks. Nat nodded at her, reaching for Darcy’s hand now, pulling her into her.

“There,” she whispered, placing Darcy’s hand palm-down on her belly. 

“Wow,” Darcy said instantly, because no other words would suffice. 

She could feel the echoes of life, a strong, persistent sensation beating against her hand. 

“How often-?”

“Almost constantly, today,” Nat murmured. She didn’t sound upset about it. She did sound tired, but happy. 

“We’re really thankful you came today,” Darcy said. 

Nat waved her hand, still holding Darcy’s wrist with her other. 

“We wouldn’t miss it even if I went into labor,” she whispered. 

It was so easy with Steve’s family. Darcy never took that for granted. Over the last several months, she’d got better at accepting that there had to be something about her for people to choose to stick around. Steve had chosen her, every day, for months, even when he was afraid to keep her attached to what he called his ‘bullshit’. 

Darcy pulled back, moving to clean some more. Eventually, she and Nat went back into the living room. Darcy knew Riley would be wiped out by the time the rest of her friends would leave. She’d had a big day, waking up at dawn to open presents like it was Christmas. Steve had spoiled her, and some of it was compensating for Jennifer’s absence, but that was okay. Most parents would do that. It was understandable. She didn’t believe there was anything shameful about how strong Steve felt for others, he was wired that way, same as Riley. 

Jennifer had not made herself known, not until her driver’s licence had been suspended in California, and only then did she begin to comply with New York State law and send Steve child support. Darcy knew it didn’t feel like a victory to Steve. A lot of the time, it hurt too much to be reminded of what happened last year, and all those other years before Darcy came into their lives. 

As the parents began to arrive, Darcy was making small talk, mostly summarizing the day. Riley was fading, sitting instead of running to the door every time someone knocked on it. Bucky and Nat left when the kids were gone, Riley now lying face down on the couch. Steve pulled her up, giving her several kisses on her cheek, Riley trying to wriggle away with soft giggles.

“Bath and bed, c’mon,” he murmured, and she groaned.

“Can I listen to _Let It Go_?” 

“When you’re out of the bath, yeah,” Steve said, without missing a beat.

Darcy smiled, witnessing this same compromise for months. Riley slowly complied, letting out a little squeal when Steve took hold of her middle, tickling her. 

-

Darcy was pulled slowly from sleep, in little increments, before she realized how it happened, hearing Steve cry out, jolting her in his movements as he rolled to the side. 

“Steve,” she slurred, and then she was rubbing her face, trying to be awake enough to be any use to him, reaching toward him. “You’re okay.”

He sucked in a breath, and then she knew he was awake when he placed his hands over his face, sighing. It took another minute for him to sit up a little, Darcy moving to switch on the lamp on her side of the bed, the room flooding with dim yellow light. They squinted at one another, Steve’s frown deepening.

“Shit, that was a bad one,” he whispered to himself, shaking his head. “I’m-”

He cut himself off. He almost began to apologize, which wasn’t something he was supposed to do that anymore, Darcy asked him to stop that some time ago. His nightmares were something he couldn’t control, and the angst that he brought along with it, the self-loathing he piled onto the terror he already felt, was not helpful. Him bullying himself didn’t lessen his symptoms. 

“What was it?” Darcy murmured, and he lay back down, turning onto his side once more to face her. He leaned over to rub her shoulder. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” she added, a reminder. He didn’t owe her that. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I was racing around, trying to find you. You and Riley.”

Darcy lifted her hand to hold his face. “That sounds awful.”

“I think I was starting to figure out that you weren’t real, or… maybe something had happened with Jen and I’d lost you both. I dunno. Then I woke up, and you’re here, still.”

“I’m here,” Darcy breathed. “I’ll always be here.”

He pressed a slow kiss to her lips, breathing her in. Darcy returned it, shutting her eyes briefly, wishing she could make him feel better. If only there was some way to fight those demons in his head while he slept. Still, he was getting better at dealing with the nightmares when they occured. He wasn’t so shame-filled. 

“Baby, you’re glowing,” he murmured, pulling back, and Darcy blinked at him. 

“Yeah?”

He nodded, tracing her cheek with his knuckles, eyes scanning her face.

“Are you…?”

It took a second for Darcy to follow him. She blamed it on being the middle of the night, having herself wrenched from her sleep.

“Pregnant?” Darcy said, and Steve nodded. She knew her eyes had widened. “No. I’m not.”

“Okay,” he murmured, a little softer. “I just thought…”

He trailed off and Darcy put her hand over his, staring him down.

“Steve, do you wish I was?”

“I dunno,” he whispered. “Maybe.”

A beat.

“That’s too much,” he added, shaking his head. 

“No, no, no,” Darcy whispered hastily. “It’s not. But I’m not pregnant.”

Steve nodded. “Okay.”

All they did was watch one another for a few minutes, Darcy’s stomach somersaulting at the thought of Steve wanting something so permanent. A child, with her? Her? 

It was some of the old voice, the one that told her she wasn’t deserving of what she had. It was the same voice that told her commitment was a trap, that she would never be happy with domestic things that belonged to happy families and couples. 

“I scared you, huh?” Steve whispered, and Darcy shook her head.

“I just…”

“I love you,” he whispered. “I just wanted to say it. I’d love to have more kids with you.”

‘More’ implied that Riley was hers. Darcy smiled at him, breaking the tension a little. She shuffled closer, their noses brushing. Steve kissed her, his tongue slipping into her mouth, and they shifted, him rolling her onto her back, moving between her thighs to press his hips to hers.

It was slow, Steve’s touch reverent, Darcy’s smile following each caress. Her hand was fastened to the back of his neck when he finally pushed inside, everything feeling a little too warm. It was summer soon, and then Darcy would go back to sleeping with as little clothing on as possible. The store would be insufferably humid in the coming months, but at least there was plenty of juice to be made. Darcy could picture Riley chugging her red juice as she, Darcy and Steve walked home together like they often did. 

“I love you,” Darcy breathed, Steve’s hands pushing the hair from her face, his hips rocking to meet hers. 

He smiled down at her, Darcy’s other hand slipping down his bare chest, over several tattoos, before it glided back up to stay over his heart. 

He lowered himself, lying chest to chest, catching her in another kiss. When they broke away, he was smiling again. 

“I love you,” he whispered. “Baby, I’m gonna keep saying it until you can’t stand it anymore…”

“That’s impossible,” Darcy said. 

He grinned, slow, hips grinding.

“I love you, I love you, I love you…”

Darcy laughed into the next kiss, melting into him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being there, thank you for reading, thank you, thank you, thank you... ❤
> 
> [The Melody of a Fallen Tree Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7hmeHmJgCgYErEhnnKFqTZ)  
> [my Tumblr](http://grimeysociety.tumblr.com/)


End file.
